Jump to content

Finding out he is married but I want him.... help


ammielou

Recommended Posts

Right, this is a long story....

 

8 Years ago, I left a cheating ex with our oldest and pregnant and since then I have been on my own. I have been happy and content with no real need to find anyone. In December I met this man, he was my normal looking type of guy but the moment I met him there was something about him.... a connection. In January, we started sleeping together. He told me that he had split with him wife 4 years ago because she cheated and she lived with a bloke she cheated on him with. He told me he went to court, she took £12k, she played games and used the kids to get back at him. He said to me I like you a lot and I can see us being together. After that it was a lot to take in so in February I said to him that we wont sleep together and get to know each other more as he got funny and said I want a woman to prove they are not like my ex. He said stories about them arguing and disputing about the kids. How he lives with his dad as his mum died in the November after a 2 year battle of cancer. He said he'd had the snip and can not have anymore kids which is fine with me as I do not want anymore. He cold go hot and cold. I would ask what is wrong? He would say I have renovations due to what she has done.

 

Last Friday, I had enough so I said to him that I am contacting your ex as there are 2 sides to each story and explain if his funny moods were him or about what has happened. She told me I am not separated with my husband, he lives with me and our kids. 4 years ago we split due to him cheating all the time... he moved in with this woman and her met another. When both relationships ended they got back together summer last year. She said am are not the only woman that has said this to her. His wife asked him which he denied it.

 

His best mate told me that hes always cheating on her which we thought he'd stopped and changed but clearly, not and that I am the 5/6 girl in a few years. His mate told me that everything he told me was a lie even about her using the kids etc. He went back to his wife because he can not be on his own. I said that is due to his insecurities even when he is a remarkable man.

 

This guy I thought was separated called me and admitted and said sorry. Normally, like my ex I do not except cheats or liars but.... I can not help how I feel and I know even after everything this is the man I am suppose to be with. I said to him if your not happy, leave your wife... dont keep cheating, be a good dad and concentrate on your work. I will met up with you depending of course, once you do the right thing and work on your self. Am I stupid? What should I do?

Link to comment

You should value yourself better like you did when your ex cheated on you and dump this guy in the trash where he belongs.

 

He is not special

He is not remarkable

 

He is a serial cheater

He is a pathological liar

He is selfish

He is untrustworthy

 

Is this the type of person you want in your life? Do you want this type of man around your children?

 

Are you stupid? I don't believe you are but if you let him back into your life it will be a stupid choice.

 

You should tell him to never contact you again and then go total NC no matter the lies he tells you.

 

He sought you out for a reason. He knew he could manipulate you and look where you are now, considering ignoring all your better judgement and ideals to stay with him. You have been manipulated...

 

Lost

Link to comment

I know what you are saying.... this isnt due to me wanting a relationship in the first place. Its a connection. His mate said that its strange that out of all the other woman I look like his wife but better bonde blue eyes where the rest are dark hair. He is not happy in his marriage and I know he needs help. Can people change? How do you know if they have?

Link to comment

People can change when they want to. Why would he want to change? He has a wife that puts up with his cheating and he has all kinds of side chicks he gets to bang whenever he wants and when one of them wises up he simply finds a new victim.

 

He hasn't changed in all these years through all these other affairs, what makes you think you are any different to him then the rest of he side chicks?

 

You are trying to find any reason to keep seeing him so it will not be what it really is. He needs my help, he will change, he will leave his wife for good because he is not happy in the marriage. I would say he doesn't need help as he has worked out a pretty good scheme for himself. He will not change because he likes the life he has going. He is happy to have a wife and kids at home while he is off banging vulnerable and gullible women.

 

This man will not change and you cannot and will not be the reason he does. You will just be one more victim he uses until he finds something new...

 

Stop trying to rationalize and excuse who he is. This guy is a piece of crap, nothing more.

 

Lost

Link to comment

This guy I thought was separated called me and admitted and said sorry. Normally, like my ex I do not except cheats or liars but.... I can not help how I feel and I know even after everything this is the man I am suppose to be with. I said to him if your not happy, leave your wife... dont keep cheating, be a good dad and concentrate on your work. I will met up with you depending of course, once you do the right thing and work on your self. Am I stupid? What should I do?

 

Continue not accepting cheats or liars, wise choice. He is not the man you are supposed to be with, this is just lust. He is a liar and a cheater repeatedly. You are not stupid, you are blinded by lust. Try to stay away. Go NC.

 

Can people change? How do you know if they have?

 

People can change, but ONLY if they want to. Only when they hit rock bottom. No one can force anyone to change. This one doesn't seem like he wants to change, he lied to you too. Also it takes way too much time. If he was worth it and the situation was something else, my advice would be different, but if you wait for this guy, you're signing yourself up for misery.

 

 

Please stay away and take care of yourself! There is no mystery or romance behind this.Trust me.

Link to comment

Hi you should read the article Why Men Never Leave Their Wives for their Mistresses. Please don’t waste your life and disrespect yourself by sticking around for the “connection”. I guarantee you he won’t leave even if he detests his wife and they never have sex. You will find another guy with whom you share a wonderful connection.

Link to comment
Its a connection. His mate said that its strange that out of all the other woman I look like his wife but better bonde blue eyes where the rest are dark hair.

 

Listen. I am not saying this to be mean, but you are not special. Get that out of your head.

 

Its a connection. His mate said that its strange that out of all the other woman I look like his wife but better bonde blue eyes where the rest are dark hair. He is not happy in his marriage and I know he needs help.

 

He told you that he is not happy in his marriage so that you would feel ok about sleeping with him, the poor thing. In reality, he is still married and lying to you. His wife will tolerate his cheating. Of course he is happy with her. He is not the victim here. You are. And, even more so, his wife and children are.

Link to comment

 

His mate said that its strange that out of all the other woman I look like his wife but *better* blonde blue eyes where the rest are dark hair. He is not happy in his marriage and I know he needs help. Can people change? How do you know if they have?

 

I know what you're thinking; I've thought same so understand.

 

You are most likely very attractive, "blonde blue eyes" and "better" than the others, you (and his mate) admitted it above unless I misunderstood.

 

In short, more "special" than the others, and you believe (mistakenly) that "specialness" will cause him to change, want to change, to become better, more committed, whatever.

 

Not judging, as I said I have thought same about myself; it's about ego, a self-centeredness and dare I admit even arrogance to some degree.

 

Believing that we, in all our 'specialness' and 'greatness', actually have the power to turn a lying, cheating DB married man with zero integrity into a honest, faithful "good" man we can trust.

 

Not gonna happen!!!

 

I am sure you are beautiful and wonderful, but no woman has the power to do that.

 

We are also no greater, special or better than the next woman, no matter what color our hair or eyes, how perfect our bodies are or anything else.

 

I apologize if I am being presumptuous, just the sense I am getting from your above post.

 

And as I said I've done same too in the past so get it.

 

I have become much more humble since, after getting knocked down a few times, which you no doubt will as well should you choose to proceed with this lunacy.

Link to comment
I know what you are saying.... this isnt due to me wanting a relationship in the first place. Its a connection. His mate said that its strange that out of all the other woman I look like his wife but better bonde blue eyes where the rest are dark hair. He is not happy in his marriage and I know he needs help. Can people change? How do you know if they have?

 

Well I hope that one person out of this can change and that would be you because currently you are with so little self respect that you would forego all to be with a man that is clearly sick, cannot be trusted and would be a very poor role model to your children (if they are even still in your life as it's not clear by what you said about your first).

 

Please go to therapy to help you figure out what is going on with you that you would want to allow a man that did this to you back into your life. If nothing else, you have fear of commitment so you pick a man that you know will never be able to actually commit to you and only you. So... unless you are polyamorous and are willing to share this chuckler, I suggest you do the mental work YOU need to do to rehab from your addiction to him.

Link to comment

I do agree in some ways as I do have commitment issues but they go when I am completely sure that I am to be with someone. I mean change in the way that he thinks it is right to behave like this. I have not agreed to be with him till he sorts his out and if I have not met another as you never know what is around the corner. He is sick in the head. He has not met my children as I would not unless I knew all the in and outs of a person. Addiction is a bit strong of a word and I do not have little self respect as since I found out I have not seen him. I spoke to him on the phone to hear him out.

Link to comment

Its not worth all the stress and dark cloud that will surround you guys. Everytime you see him or when you guys are to be intimate you're gonna think of his wife. And woman to woman, sure you wouldnt want to be on the other end. So if he's not willing to break it off with wife and be with you. dont do it. Will only cause you pain in the long run. He's been lying to you since the beginning nd would've carried in if you didnt check things out. and no you are NOT stupid. its alot to take in and accept but break it off.

Link to comment
I think I am just normal looking but that the other ladies were so opposite looking to I. I wrote that due to his best mate saying it.

 

His best mate may have a thing for you, what's his story? Is he available? lol

 

This married guy, even if he were to change, how could you ever trust him? Or admire and respect him?

 

I mean he's cheating on his wife and lied to you about.

 

You would be her eventually, you know this right?

 

The one being cheated on, he has no integrity and very low character.

 

These are fundamental qualities in a person that don't change.

Link to comment

No, hes mate is married but hes pissed that he had a "second life" with me without him knowing it as they are suppose to best mates. His mate told me that he only went back to his wife cos he didnt want to be on his own. I was thinking maybe in a year or two him hitting rock bottom and changing. I wont go near him at the moment due to the lies and behaviour. I did shame him at a event thou... I couldnt help it as it just came out

Link to comment
I do agree in some ways as I do have commitment issues but they go when I am completely sure that I am to be with someone.
Then why did you stay with this guy when you admit that he was hot and cold with you? Why would you even get with a guy that was only separated and not yet divorced? What red flags did he wave in front of you that made your gut instinct kick in and caused you angst but you ignored?

 

I mean change in the way that he thinks it is right to behave like this.
No, he's never going to change who he is. He has cheated on his wife at least five times now. That is a lifestyle.

 

I have not agreed to be with him till he sorts his out and if I have not met another as you never know what is around the corner.
You should have told him to go (you know what) himself and that you never want to hear from him again or at the very least, just told him off for being the retrobate he is and then ghosted him.

 

He is sick in the head. He has not met my children as I would not unless I knew all the in and outs of a person.
Well that is a good thing.

 

Addiction is a bit strong of a word
But it is one that applies because if you were not addicted to him like he was a bad drug then you would have dumped him in the way I describe above (or in your own way) and you would not have told him you can't be with him until he sorts his out.

 

and I do not have little self respect as since I found out I have not seen him.
That may be so but you would take back a cheating douche bag who can't keep it in his pants if told you he had left his wife.

 

I spoke to him on the phone to hear him out.
Please get through the initial withdrawl from not having your drug of choice (known as bad boyfriend) in your system anymore and then block and delete him from being able to contact you and hoover you back in for more of the 'drug.'

 

You can do better but you have to believe you're worth better first.

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...
Right, this is a long story....

 

8 Years ago, I left a cheating ex with our oldest and pregnant and since then I have been on my own. I have been happy and content with no real need to find anyone. In December I met this man, he was my normal looking type of guy but the moment I met him there was something about him.... a connection. In January, we started sleeping together. He told me that he had split with him wife 4 years ago because she cheated and she lived with a bloke she cheated on him with. He told me he went to court, she took £12k, she played games and used the kids to get back at him. He said to me I like you a lot and I can see us being together. After that it was a lot to take in so in February I said to him that we wont sleep together and get to know each other more as he got funny and said I want a woman to prove they are not like my ex. He said stories about them arguing and disputing about the kids. How he lives with his dad as his mum died in the November after a 2 year battle of cancer. He said he'd had the snip and can not have anymore kids which is fine with me as I do not want anymore. He cold go hot and cold. I would ask what is wrong? He would say I have renovations due to what she has done.

 

Last Friday, I had enough so I said to him that I am contacting your ex as there are 2 sides to each story and explain if his funny moods were him or about what has happened. She told me I am not separated with my husband, he lives with me and our kids. 4 years ago we split due to him cheating all the time... he moved in with this woman and her met another. When both relationships ended they got back together summer last year. She said am are not the only woman that has said this to her. His wife asked him which he denied it.

 

His best mate told me that hes always cheating on her which we thought he'd stopped and changed but clearly, not and that I am the 5/6 girl in a few years. His mate told me that everything he told me was a lie even about her using the kids etc. He went back to his wife because he can not be on his own. I said that is due to his insecurities even when he is a remarkable man.

 

This guy I thought was separated called me and admitted and said sorry. Normally, like my ex I do not except cheats or liars but.... I can not help how I feel and I know even after everything this is the man I am suppose to be with. I said to him if your not happy, leave your wife... dont keep cheating, be a good dad and concentrate on your work. I will met up with you depending of course, once you do the right thing and work on your self. Am I stupid? What should I do?

 

 

Man, these just can't be real. Can people actually be so calloused, selfish and oblivious that not only does the thought of the blatant dysfuntionality of this sitution pass unnotied in one's head, but that they could actually write it out, look it over, and still not get how ty the situation and all the people in it are. And as people for feedback. Sad, really. Especially for the kids.

 

Ugh -- the excuse making and responsibility shuffling described in here about both the author and the perp. You're rotten folks, probably know it and don't have the balls to really work on it; so you rationalize it by creating a miasma of victimhood and circumstantial externalities that shift responsibility from you, so you can continue your cycles of infidelity and fear.

 

Your question was rhetorical. You probably aren't capable of comprehensively and sincerely taking any real advice to heart, and at the end of the day will do what you feel is in your best interest, regardless of the damage it may cause others. I feel like you only wrote this post in the hopes that some other ethically impotent users will offer some comments that bolster your case and rationalize your dishonerable behavior, should you choose that route.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...