Afraid to Love - advice ?

Hi there, thank you so much in advance for taking the time to read my post and for any advice you might have.

I am dating a man who is generous, calm, sweet and incredibly loving. He is compassionate, a great listener and a fantastic communicator. I have been dating him for about 3 months and have seen him strong, collected and optimistic even in difficult situations. However, I feel like I am too afraid of being hurt to love him with all my heart.

I left a physically abusive relationship a year ago. When I first met my abuser, he was sweet, caring, a great communicator - all of the above. It took him just over a year to reveal his nasty side. Consequently, I can't help but think my new partner’s behaviour is also an act and that it cannot last, although I have no evidence to back this up. I know that sort of nihilistic thinking won't get me anywhere, yet I feel incredibly suspicious towards my new partner and have told him on several occasions that I feel this way. I have even told him I want to break up with him 4 times (yes, in 3 months..I know how terrible that is) as I feel I would be better off alone. I realise I am definitely becoming an unhealthy influence in his life, however he begs me to stay.

I have a lot of self esteem issues resulting from my own upbringing (raised by parents who only loved me when I did exactly what they wanted) and previous experience which I am working on. I consistently find it hard to believe I am really loved. I am in my mid-twenties and sometimes think that maybe I should keep dating until I find someone with whom I am completely at ease. Yet, at the same time, I feel like no matter who I meet, my personal issues will get in the way of me loving them fully. I wonder if perhaps I am too afraid to love?

If anyone can give me advice on this messy explanation of my situation, I would be so grateful.

Thank you.

Well, I'm sorry you've been through a lot and you're only in your twenties. I can see why you have trust issues based on your history. Maybe you would be better off alone. This is a decision you have to make. You might want to talk with someone about these issues. But at the same time, you don't want to miss out on your chance for love and happiness.

Look, you've been through abuse and you know the warning signs. If your boyfriend shows any of the signs, you run. But why don't you try to put those fears aside and enjoy the relationship. No more talk of breaking up with him. Keep your fears to yourself. Let him treat you nice, you deserve it. Not all guys are abusers and if anything, it's you who is emotionally abusing him.

Thank you so much for your reply DanZee. I really appreciate it. I think your advice is very important for me to hear. I really should just enjoy my time with him and work on treating him as well as he deserves.

Take your time.

Within my experience, it takes at least three months to know whether you've got a relationship or not - and two years before you know whether you've got a keeper! As you mentioned above, it took a year before your ex's abusive behaviour really became apparent. And one of the features of abusers is that they will really try to push the relationship along - wanting to move in/get married/committed very quickly. So it pays to take your time.

In the early stages of a relationship, we're all starry-eyed and head-over-heels; this is hormone-driven and cannot possibly last, even though it feels very real at the time. Once that's past, then comes the serious business of really getting to know what makes the other person tick. Sure, abusers are very nice, kind and charming in the early stages - but so are nice people. Time will tell which one you've got. Nobody can really be in love after three months because you don't know each other yet, so don't expect this of yourself.

Just relax, enjoy - and let things unfold in their own time....

Good luck!

Thank you so much for your sound advice nutbrownhare - I think I have lost perspective and you have really given me that. I will not forget your wise words, I am so grateful to you for taking the time to write to me.

It sounds like you've identified an issue of your self-esteem and trust in the relationship. I thinks that's awesome you have the self-awareness to catch that.

Have you considered getting some counseling for your self-esteem issues? If you can address that issue, it might help you address the trust issue.

I think addressing one issue at a time will help clear up the big picture like eliminating variables in a math problem to solve the equation.

As supportive as your current man is, he is human and your issues may take a toll on him and he may have to break up with you. You may have to choose to be alone as DanZee commented, but if this man is as good as you say he is, you might want to consider getting help with your issues so you can heal and still have a great man in your life. If you're doubts about him become true, you'll have already started the self-healing process to handle that heartbreak.

The best time to work on yourself is now!

Thank you so much ASmash ! I really appreciate your advice