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How do I decide whether I want to stay with my boyfriend?


xxkisses

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Hello everyone. Firstly I want to thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. We argued last week, which resulted in him dumping me over a Facebook message. It wasn’t clear to me at all and I didn’t even know I was dumped. I bumped into him on the streets last week after the incident, and he talked to me and it seemed like we were back together.

 

About two days ago, I stayed at his. I snooped on his phone and found out that he had kissed another girl after he “dumped” me, while in a club. I’ve made the mistake of kissing someone else when I was angry and pretty sure I was done with him, although it took me just a second to realise I can’t lie to my feelings and I backed off. I know he made out with this girl throughout the whole night, and he said he didn’t even know if he was attracted to her or liked her, he just did it because he was very sure he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He apologised for what he has done, and I know this is the first time he’s ever kissed someone else since being with me.

 

I am heartbroken and I have made the decision to forgive him. We are coming together to talk about whether we want to stay together tomorrow. Despite my decision to forgive him, I was very sure he’d always stay with me regardless of how rocky our relationship got. He’s never loved any other woman before although he did have an extremely promiscuous sex life before he met me. I can find reasons to stay with him, and I can find reasons not to stay with him as well. It’s not the first time we have broken up, and it’s usually been him breaking up with me, then finding me and apologising and we would make up.

 

The physical attraction we have towards each other is crazy. We love each other. We spent a lot of time talking about our futures together. I think we both have our hearts in the same place, but not our minds. What I would like is some advice on how to make my decision before I meet him tomorrow?

If we stay together still, how do we continue the relationship without harbouring any ill feelings towards each other?

If we don’t stay together, how do I learn to cope?

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the only thing i can say yes, sometimes everyone needs that push to forget (the kiss). But it wouldnt be done straight away, specially if he really loved you. It took me months to even try and flirt with another woman, let alone kiss. i would say it still is fresh wound, and you seeing him will bring that pain no matter how hard you try for now. The only thing i would say is give yourself some time to think and be alone. See how he acts and with that you can see what you want from the future. And also it gives him time to show his true colours being alone. who knows maybe he might do it again. showing what he trully feels.

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the only thing i can say yes, sometimes everyone needs that push to forget (the kiss). But it wouldnt be done straight away, specially if he really loved you. It took me months to even try and flirt with another woman, let alone kiss. i would say it still is fresh wound, and you seeing him will bring that pain no matter how hard you try for now. The only thing i would say is give yourself some time to think and be alone. See how he acts and with that you can see what you want from the future. And also it gives him time to show his true colours being alone. who knows maybe he might do it again. showing what he trully feels.

 

I have thought about why he did what he did. He has tried to break up with me before, and he could never pull himself away. I think he regrets what heÂ’s done because he said he felt bad about it. IÂ’m sure he did what he did because he wanted to avoid his feelings towards me. Everyone is different and we all have different ways of doing things.

 

IÂ’m meeting him tomorrow so IÂ’m trying to figure my thoughts out. I have talked to a friend on the matter and she thinks I should also mentally prepare myself for whatever happens. I suffer from depression, anxiety and BPD so whenever we had broken up, IÂ’ve not taken it well. Obviously nobody takes break ups well but I think being overly emotional and overly sensitive tends to make me feel a thousand times more depressed. I could only sleep 3 hours a night and I lost 10kg under a month when heÂ’s broken up with me before. I need to be learn how to be okay with whatever happens.

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Your angry with him over something you've also done. So you need to apologize to him, as you would expect him to apologize to you.

 

Take it from there.

 

It happened more than a year ago so I’ve apologised to him. Also I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed and shocked.

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Do you really want to be with someone who would dump you after two years, over Facebook, without you even really knowing what was going on - completely blindsided?

Then go out and kiss someone else because he was "sure" he didn't want to be with you

 

And it's not the first time he's dumped you when he hasn't been happy with something in the relationship. How secure are you really that he won't leave/cheat on you? Because his behaviour would make even the most grounded person feel really uncomfortable and suspicious of his emotional maturity/stability.

 

Make sure you entrust your heart to someone who will treat it gently

 

Sounds like you're getting a bit fed up with this guy, and I would be too. Not to say you're perfect, but you sound young so you can easily chalk this relationship up to a learning experience and find someone better

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Do you really want to be with someone who would dump you after two years, over Facebook, without you even really knowing what was going on - completely blindsided?

Then go out and kiss someone else because he was "sure" he didn't want to be with you

 

And it's not the first time he's dumped you when he hasn't been happy with something in the relationship. How secure are you really that he won't leave/cheat on you? Because his behaviour would make even the most grounded person feel really uncomfortable and suspicious of his emotional maturity/stability.

 

Make sure you entrust your heart to someone who will treat it gently

 

Sounds like you're getting a bit fed up with this guy, and I would be too. Not to say you're perfect, but you sound young so you can easily chalk this relationship up to a learning experience and find someone better

 

To be fair I had also done the same thing to him that’s why I understand what might be going on in his head. It sounds like a toxic relationship, and there were times in our relationship that was toxic, there were times there weren’t toxic. Love alone is not a justification to any relationship, but it should be the basis of any relationship. The problem I have is mostly thinking if it’s worth it but I keep finding empathy towards him so it’s hard to think through what I want.

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im going through the same with my fiance, we been together 2 years and we on a break to see what we want and so much more. you can read my thread if anything. But from what im ging through i dont wish to give up either, but i know something has to change. from her and my side. I lost 3kg in a week, im hardly sleeping too. But sometimes a break can be good as it helps you heal and makes you realise the values in life. also it can help you see how the person acts without you.

I also suffer from depression and lately anxiety. I tried not taking any pills for a year and is hard now, but i will get through with it.

The only thing i can say if you wish for it to work, work on yourself for now. and if time shows it, you guys will work together as team.

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I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. We argued last week, which resulted in him dumping me over a Facebook message. It wasn’t clear to me at all and I didn’t even know I was dumped. I bumped into him on the streets last week after the incident, and he talked to me and it seemed like we were back together.

He's very immature. Dumping you over social media is pathetic. There's another reason he's hiding and not telling you... Maybe to chase after someone else like he already did?

 

You should let him go. I would personally over the really childish reason he's given.

 

we been together 2 years and we on a break to see what we want and so much more. ... But sometimes a break can be good as it helps you heal and makes you realise the values in life. also it can help you see how the person acts without you.

Breaks are cop outs to actually breaking up. And if you are engaged, how is "taking a break" from the relationship going to help prepare you for a marriage? You don't take breaks as a married couple; you work through your problems together or file divorce. Sure, you have the luxury to do so as an engaged couple, but that option isn't available once you're married. Especially if you got children AND share property together, you can't just run away.

 

I broke up with my husband for a whole year when we dated. He had a lot of stuff to sort out and was not taking care of his business properly (completing school) that I had enough. I was well on my way graduating with my bachelor's degree and I did not want to wait any longer. I had fun, met and dated some people, decided I wasn't truly happy with them but I got a chance to really understand who I was. Hubs did the same and we met at a mutual friend's party... Decided to rekindled since he got his stuff done. But our story is very rare for someone to get back with their ex and marry him/her.

 

Breaking up really helped us grow. It is a little scary, but sometimes it's about doing the right thing for yourself. If the relationship is not working out, then you can't force it.

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On again, off again relationships aren't meant to be. In my opinion, you don't really love someone if you're running away, leaving a person to be with someone else, versus caring enough to stick around and pulling out all of the stops to fix things.

 

My advice is to end things and go no contact. You will cope by mourning the relationship, being alone to heal and learn to be happy solo before being ready to date again. Hopefully, you've learned what you want and don't want in a future relationship so that you can choose a worthy partner. Take care.

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How old are you two?

 

This sounds very immature. How many times have you two broken up in two years? Be honest?

 

It sounds like there is very little conflict resolution in all this and you two fight, break up and then miss each other and get back together without ever resolving anything.

 

Just because you are hot for each other physically and think you love each other doesn't mean this should keep going. Relationships need to grow and this one sounds like it is going the wrong direction.

 

Maybe a you need some time away to take a good hard look at all this and decide if it is all you think it is.

 

Lost

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What was the argument about? How heated did it get?

 

I found out he was talking about me to his friends. They basically don't know we are dating, and I went to where his flat was because he wasn't replying me so I got worried, and he told them if they run into me, call the police.

 

It got really heated and I wanted to leave his flat that night, I didn't know why he would say something like that to his friends, and the next morning he locked me out of his flat so I knocked his door until my knuckles were bleeding. I was angry and I didn't know how to deal with it. He blamed me for being late for work because I was knocking on his door and he wasn't opening up while he was getting ready for work.

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How old are you two?

 

This sounds very immature. How many times have you two broken up in two years? Be honest?

 

It sounds like there is very little conflict resolution in all this and you two fight, break up and then miss each other and get back together without ever resolving anything.

 

Just because you are hot for each other physically and think you love each other doesn't mean this should keep going. Relationships need to grow and this one sounds like it is going the wrong direction.

 

Maybe a you need some time away to take a good hard look at all this and decide if it is all you think it is.

 

Lost

 

I'm 23 and he's turning 21 soon. We've broken up 4 times, the first time was me who wanted to call it quits and we tried to be friends for a while but it didn't work out and we started getting physical again. I realised I couldn't be just a friend to him and I still cared about him, but he did break up with me again over my behaviour because I couldn't let go of what he'd done before, which was when he just left me on a taxi on my own when I was blacked out from drinking and the taxi driver actually had to pull me out of the taxi. He was apologetic about it and he worked really hard and was really patient with me then but I did find it hard to let go and he wouldn't give me space because he was afraid I'd hurt myself or try to kill myself when I was on my own. This happened a year ago. When he came back we really started to work on the relationship and we were doing really well in our relationship for more than half a year, even though we were in LDR most of the time during this time. When I came back in June this year, our relationship was going well, like it was really peaceful and we had a really good time. I went away at the end of June again, and it was when he started to get back into employment around August that he left me although he insisted he thought I broke up with him and he wasn't answering my calls and ignoring my messages. He talked to me just before I came back in September, he said he was sorry and convinced me to start going out with him again.

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On again, off again relationships aren't meant to be. In my opinion, you don't really love someone if you're running away, leaving a person to be with someone else, versus caring enough to stick around and pulling out all of the stops to fix things.

 

My advice is to end things and go no contact. You will cope by mourning the relationship, being alone to heal and learn to be happy solo before being ready to date again. Hopefully, you've learned what you want and don't want in a future relationship so that you can choose a worthy partner. Take care.

 

I want to make my own decisions, I just need advice on how to make my decision. Most people I've talked to think I should leave him, and I understand the reasons behind this sentiment.

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It got really heated and I wanted to leave his flat that night, I didn't know why he would say something like that to his friends, and the next morning he locked me out of his flat so I knocked his door until my knuckles were bleeding. I was angry and I didn't know how to deal with it. He blamed me for being late for work because I was knocking on his door and he wasn't opening up while he was getting ready for work.
lady what the hell
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The concern for me would be less about a kiss, and more about the fact that he dumped me. If dumping is how this guy reacts to an argument, why would I trust that he won't pull the rug out from under me again next argument? Is walking on eggshells 'around' that concern really how I want to live?

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