Dumped at the worst time in my life

Was with this girl for 2 years long distance after we met while she studied abroad at my university.

It was first love, relationship, first everything for us both and very sweet.

We'd had some issues but she wanted to give it a go after we had a short "break" earlier this year.

I flew out and surprised her and it was cute but we did have a few arguments...her behaviour was off but I put that down to external stresses

She applied to study in my town for a graduate program.

I was due to have one of the most important operations in my life.

Well a week after I got out of hospital she told me she got the scholarship but she doesn't love me the same way anymore and dumped me!

More than anything I'm angry because she dumped me at a brutal time in my life and she wasn't there for me when I needed her- she didn't even call me everyday when I was in hospital and she behaved distance the week leading up to the breakup,

So now she's living in my town whereas I have been stuck at home with my parents back home for 6 months trying to recover and alone a lot of the time.

Im angry - after all that effort in a LDR and money spent and time invested in someone and a relationship and this is how it ends - with her coming here and dumping me.

I don't really know how to forgive her for that and I wonder how many people would in that situation?

She's apologised and tried to contact me but I'm really just trying to get over this awful heartbreak because I loved her so much and didn't expect this.

Does anyone have any advice regarding what they would do in this situation?

She will leave next year forever probably and I don't want her to leave before seeing her one last time but I'm also really not sure if I can , emotionally speaking...i spose time will tell...

Your heart is not the same as others and others will not always be as good to you as you've been to them. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it just means you need to be careful on who you give you love to and if they deserve it.

She does not deserve it. She was not decent to you and you're right , you were better to her than she was to you. That makes her not a very nice person. She should have treated you better, even as a friend and went to see you in hospital. The fact that she didn't just makes her look bad.

I don't see the point in seeing her again, I mean, why? You will still be trying to get caring out of someone who is not willing to give it.

As for forgiving her, don't forgive her so you can care about her again and make yourself vulnerable to be hurt again, forgive her only so you will stop feeling anger and pain.

Let it go.

Forgiving also does not mean that she get's to remain in your life or gets another chance with you...all it means is that you won't let the pain continue and you can heal and move on.

Hi Sherry Sher - thanks for your advice - it's interesting to hear others perspectives on things.

I should add that while I was in hospital she was in a different country but indeed that's no excuse not to call more. And i expected more from someone who was meant to be my best friend.

She has been wanting to come see me now she's in the country, but having broken up with me it's really just a little too late..

Any further advice regarding this would be most helpful

Illness and bereavement is often the biggest truth revealer in relationships. Thats when you discover the true value of the person in your life, whether they are in your corner or not.

She wasn't, there is nothing lost here. Reconciling at that point is near impossible as you'll always remember this and never be able to fully let go with her.

Life is such that at some point we're all going to be affected by something and need a helping hand temporarily. A phonecall or visit from a loved one when in hospital, doesn't take much effort. She couldn't make the effort, she has to go.

Why do you want to see her one last time? Just take the good memories from this and move on. Get a partner that is in your corner and move on from the rest.

What "issues" lead to taking a break, her "off behavior", and arguments during the visit?

I know it is a challenging time for you. When it rains, it pours, huh? Don't force yourself to recover sooner than you are able for anything or anyone. It takes time, and no lessons can be skipped. There is good in loss and trial, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

I wouldn't hope for reconcilliation. I would focus on accepting the situation as bad as it is, without leaving room in my mind for a fantasy of it being ameliorated by her change of heart. Take the full blow, you can do it. You are sick, alone, dumped. That is how your coffee smells today. Strangely enough, it is often such uncompromising misfortune that awakens the human spite - once emotional pseudopodia have no external object to invest in, you start to think and act in ways that preserve and uphold the self.

Stick around, k? Some nice folks here.

Thanks Rainy Coast - we had a break a couple of month she before the trip - we'd seen each other once again before that and reconciled - she needed a break from the relationship due to argument and another reason I considered odd - she couldn't keep up with my changing interests and apparently I always wanted support from her for things and she felt I wasn't focused on figuring out what I wanted with career and life goals ...which at the time I found a little bizarre as I actually had and have had a stable well paid job for over a year .. I just had a lot of changing interests and was trying to fill my life with things as we were in LDR and maybe I was always wanting more from her and maybe she wasn't able to give it.

She's younger than me so maybe that plays in to the way she has been also but maybe we are just different personalities ...bottom line is I was there for her and she hasn't been for me

After the break she visited me and told me she wanted to make a go of the relationship and then she started making plans to move to the country , I made another trip out to see her soon after and surprised her

And after that we messaged and stuff but I guess she changed her mind again on what she wanted

It was like one day she was saying she loves me and the next she became distant in messages and communcation ..

It was like one day she was saying she loves me and the next she became distant in messages and communcation ..

That's been my last two breakups; everything is great, she's so happy to have me, then about a week or so of her cooling off and getting distant, then dumped.

This may not be what you want to hear right now, but bad timing or not if she didn't want to continue the relationship then she did the right thing. Trust me, I understand how much it hurts and how lead on you probably feel, but a relationship has to be something both people want in order for it to be viable. If she would have waited until you were recovered she would have essentially just been lying to you and leading you on further.

That doesn't mean that you can't feel angry towards her or that you have to forgive her right now--you don't.

Like SherrySher, I don't see any point in seeing her that "one last time." It will likely just stir up unpleasant feelings. If when she contacts you again, I would just tell her that you are moving on with her life and that she should contact you only if she wants to get back together.

Hey guys - an update

My ex texted me yesterday and each time she does it kind of throws me off...she was basically asking how I am as I have another important operation coming up

I really don't know whether to respond

I don't want to get back with her but at this point I am unsure on whether I can be friends as such - I fear I will regret it in the future if I cut her off completely - I'm not that sort of person. I feel like keeping things open so I can decide later how I feel could be a good option but it stirs up emotions for me and I've been doing better not talking to her...

What would you suggest in the circumstances ?

Broke. There is no good time for someone to break up with you. I have never heard of anyone saying. Well, I got a new job that pays me more, new car, new house, won the lotto and this is a perfect time to have my GF break up with me. Pick any day and its going to be a bad day to have someone break your heart. Now, I need you to step back for a moment because I think there were a lot of signs that you missed. And I mean A LOT of signs that a break up was going to happen, but you rationalized it by saying it was something else. The writing was on the wall that it was over. The break, acting distant, and other ways she acted that said "We are done". You didn't want to see it so you brushed it off. These are the moments that you have to look back and see that it was over long before the break up happened. She probably tried a few dozen times to tell you or wanted to say something but she was waiting for the right time to do it and she learned that there is no good time to break someones heart.

I'm going to tell you that by her leaving your heart, this is the best thing that can happen to you. You might not see it now but this time next year you will say... wow, that guy was right. She didn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore and she has been using the last few weeks or months to emotionally distance herself from you. She has been cutting the cord as you think everything was great. There is someone out there better for you and she is waiting to meet someone like you. But right now its just not the time. When its right, it will happen.

Now how to handle your X. She has already moved on from you emotionally. She keep tabs with you to ease her guilt and to make sure you are okay. She doesn't want to become emotionally invested in your life anymore. So since you know this, you can choose to have her in your life or not. If you don't want to be friends with her, then don't. And no one is saying cut her out of your life forever, just step back from the situation for now until you are fully healed. Then when you are, you can decide if you want her back in your life (as a friend) or not. As you are learning, keeping in touch with an X is confusing. You examine her words, gestures and trying to decipher her actions to see if there is a code or hidden message. Does she want to come back, what does she mean by asking me "How are you doing?" Why does she even care? You will go crazy trying to figure it out so the best solution is to not talk to your X for now. Don't follow them on social media or ask friends how is she doing. She is going to be just fine without you as you are going to be fine without her. Life does move on.

Rely on your friends and family and work on yourself. I know heartbreak sucks but in time you will be happy again, just it will be with someone else. Right now, the focus is on you. Do what you need to do to make you happy and to heal well.