No Talk of Being Exclusive, and He's Still Looking...

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this...

I am seeking advice. The basic question (with details to follow) is: if we have not had the "being exclusive" talk yet, should I be offended that he's still posting on Craigslist looking for a companion?

Details:

We met on CL with a "FWB" premise.

I've spooked several times, but he keeps coming back, as I suspected at first that I'm was place holder, and he has no better options.

In the last 6 weeks, I want to put my best foot forward, and we've had some amazing weekends together. *me being a total chick, thinking he was feeling the same, and his actions did indicate as much, as well

"Intimate moments" are spot-on, but we have some amazing day-long public dates, which are what removed my "spook factor."

When I say I've spooked, it's because I start to like him more than a FWB would/should allow.

I thought he was leaning toward the same page as I (exclusivity) but just saw him posting an ad on CL again.

No, I'm not on CL looking, I'm literally checking to see if he's posting.

Thanks...any questions, please ask.

The only way you will know is if you talk to him.

Yes you need to talk to him.

I am seeking advice. The basic question (with details to follow) is: if we have not had the "being exclusive" talk yet, should I be offended that he's still posting on Craigslist looking for a companion?

No, simply because FWBs is what you signed up for. He's a free agent, as well as you are.

You need to have the talk.

Him posting is a huge red flag though.

Find out now, because you're catching feelings. Save yourself the heartache.

FWB is a really painful situation when feelings aren't returned.

I don't think it is a red flag that he is still posting. Under the FWB arrangement, he is a free agent and you are meeting that arrangement. There has been no intimation of exclusivity, or even discussion (by the sopunds of it). Now you have quickly grown feelings and want more, but are now worried that he is just into the FWB and nothing more.

When did everything change that people look for FWBs and then hope to convert them into meaningful relationships?

Thank you all for the wise words! MUCH appreciated. So had the talk, and it did not come out in my favor. I'm not up for being one of many/a few, so this is a wrap. Kinda sucky as we were having a lot of fun together. Have a great weekend everybody! Thanks again!

May I ask why you chose to post on Craigslist literally only seeking a man to engage in casual sex, if you knew you couldn't handle it?

'I suspected I was a placeholder and he had no better options, in the last 6 weeks I want to put my best foot forward.'

That to me screams you never wanted to be someone's f*ck buddy. I don't know too many women who seek casual sex on Craigslist. Ok I know none, but to me Craigslist is literally 'I just want to f*ck'.

I know you're going to say 'I didn't know' but I'm not getting that vibe from your post. I think this is different from a typical 'I fell for my FWB'. Care to expand?

May I ask why you chose to post on Craigslist literally only seeking a man to engage in casual sex, if you knew you couldn't handle it?

 

 

 

That to me screams you never wanted to be someone's f*ck buddy. I don't know too many women who seek casual sex on Craigslist. Ok I know none, but to me Craigslist is literally 'I just want to f*ck'.

 

I know you're going to say 'I didn't know' but I'm not getting that vibe from your post. I think this is different from a typical 'I fell for my FWB'. Care to expand?

I didn't post on CL, but answered a post, not that it matters in the grand scheme of things. To answer your question, I was on the cusp of moving to a new city, and I wanted to test the waters, so I was browsing ads on CL, and his post was well-written (elusive on CL), so we eventually met when I landed in the city. I was okay with a casual situation, as our time together was not strictly hopping into bed, so it was fun and satisfying my need for male companionship without being serious. I had been single for a couple years, and not dating since I knew I was moving to another state, so I favored the casual tone for several months. But as our time together started to feel more romantic or dating-with-intent to me, I thought we were headed toward exclusivity. And I was wrong. I want to be clear that I don't feel duped by him in any way. I read the progression of our "friendship" incorrectly, and that's not on him at all. So I guess it really is not all that different from a "I fell for my FWB," because I did.

I didn't post on CL, but answered a post, not that it matters in the grand scheme of things. To answer your question, I was on the cusp of moving to a new city, and I wanted to test the waters, so I was browsing ads on CL, and his post was well-written (elusive on CL), so we eventually met when I landed in the city. I was okay with a casual situation, as our time together was not strictly hopping into bed, so it was fun and satisfying my need for male companionship without being serious. I had been single for a couple years, and not dating since I knew I was moving to another state, so I favored the casual tone for several months. But as our time together started to feel more romantic or dating-with-intent to me, I thought we were headed toward exclusivity. And I was wrong. I want to be clear that I don't feel duped by him in any way. I read the progression of our "friendship" incorrectly, and that's not on him at all. So I guess it really is not all that different from a "I fell for my FWB," because I did.

This happened to me too, so I understand.

You start out knowing full well it's just a casual, fun, flirty thing, and you DO have fun with that for awhile, until you start developing the 'feels' and it all changes.

In my case, we never had sex but other than that minor detail lol, same thing.

I just distanced myself though, never talked about wanting more although I think he knew anyway.

And that was that.

You did the right thing and I give you lots of credit for making yourself vulnerable to him and speaking up.

As for me, I can be a bit of a coward about these things, say nothing and just distance myself.

Working on it though!

Thank you all for the wise words! MUCH appreciated. So had the talk, and it did not come out in my favor. I'm not up for being one of many/a few, so this is a wrap. Kinda sucky as we were having a lot of fun together. Have a great weekend everybody! Thanks again!

I understand but if you're not up for being one of many why did you respond to his ad in the first place?

Thank you Katrina for sharing your story! Believe me, I thought about just doing the distancing thing, but I figured if I never brought it up, I'd never know.

I didn't post on CL, but answered a post, not that it matters in the grand scheme of things. To answer your question, I was on the cusp of moving to a new city, and I wanted to test the waters, so I was browsing ads on CL, and his post was well-written (elusive on CL), so we eventually met when I landed in the city. I was okay with a casual situation, as our time together was not strictly hopping into bed, so it was fun and satisfying my need for male companionship without being serious. I had been single for a couple years, and not dating since I knew I was moving to another state, so I favored the casual tone for several months. But as our time together started to feel more romantic or dating-with-intent to me, I thought we were headed toward exclusivity. And I was wrong. I want to be clear that I don't feel duped by him in any way. I read the progression of our "friendship" incorrectly, and that's not on him at all. So I guess it really is not all that different from a "I fell for my FWB," because I did.

Ohhhhhh, ok, I see. Makes a bit more sense now, unfortunately like you said you got the wrong vibe, sucks but lesson learned right? Good luck on your future endevours. if you feel youre ready you may find more relationship oriented men with a traditional online dating site. Craigslist is known, in my circle at least, as a hook up, you better wear a condom, and bring a weapon, kinda thing.

I understand but if you're not up for being one of many why did you respond to his ad in the first place?

Because that was cool with me at first. I went on dates this summer, since our thing was just a "thing," and I was fine with our dynamic until I wasn't. Just like it doesn't make him a bad person to not reciprocate my feelings, it does not make me a bad person for having a change of feelings.

Yes, lesson learned, for sure. I did date in summer via people met on a dating site, and I have to say that I don't enjoy that dynamic, and not one date turned out to be someone I could be into.

Craigslist is 98% flotsam, but there are the very rare few that are there to find something genuine, I think. But, yes more crazies than good people!

We met on CL with a "FWB" premise.

Opting for a 'FWB' with anyone is like asking for confusion and misery. I'd grow out of that, and I'd hunker down to get honest with myself about what I WANT. That's a real starting point.

From there I'd put what I want in my profile and on the table with every man I meet to learn whether his motivations for dating are the same. If not, then he's not a good match, and if so, then you'll have other things to learn about one another to establish whether you're a good match--but at least you're both speaking the same language with an interest in the same outcomes.

Self honesty comes first, all else follows. If you are relationship material, recognize that and skip the messy kid stuff of trying to pretzel yourself for any guy who just wants a sex buddy.

I'd tell this guy how you feel about him and ask him where he stands with you. If he doesn't offer what you want, thank him for being honest with you, and walk away with your pride intact. Move your focus toward finding a GOOD match for you instead of hanging around someone in exchange for hints and scraps.

Head high.

Opting for a 'FWB' with anyone is like asking for confusion and misery. I'd grow out of that, and I'd hunker down to get honest with myself about what I WANT. That's a real starting point.

 

From there I'd put what I want in my profile and on the table with every man I meet to learn whether his motivations for dating are the same. If not, then he's not a good match, and if so, then you'll have other things to learn about one another to establish whether you're a good match--but at least you're both speaking the same language with an interest in the same outcomes.

 

Self honesty comes first, all else follows. If you are relationship material, recognize that and skip the messy kid stuff of trying to pretzel yourself for any guy who just wants a sex buddy.

 

I'd tell this guy how you feel about him and ask him where he stands with you. If he doesn't offer what you want, thank him for being honest with you, and walk away with your pride intact. Move your focus toward finding a GOOD match for you instead of hanging around someone in exchange for hints and scraps.

 

Head high.

Agree 100%, says someone with an fwb -- an unusual, very unusual relationship that we fought for, by surviving a mercurial attempt at dating, an extended period of no contact (a year?), a slow re-engagement, and an ability to let each other go completely. We have know each other, I don't know, 8 years maybe. Meeting people and calling it fwb is just a way of making casual sex sound nice. It can't work -- its casual, without the deep roots that a friendship provides. Most friendships with sex are best expressed in the context of a Relationship. fwb is a bit of a fantasy. even my fwb and I acknowledge we are living an extended fantasy. Eventually, I am going to have to - going to want to - walk away from this completely. I have before, I can and will again, if I need to in order to protect my primary relationship. Also, he and I see each other a few times a year, max. I am not sure we could do this if we weren't provided an incontrovertible boundary.

Catfeeder is right. Be straight, bold, and courageous about what you want. Believe you will get it.