Girlfriend won't commit to *anything*

I feel this is like the easiest question ever asked in a relationship forum, the answer is so clear, but I feel the need to ask it.

My GF and I have been together for 3 years. Though we are monogamous, she is unable to commit to a long-term relationship. Her feelings are that, though she loves me and loves every moment we're together, she doesn't know if we're a fit, long-term. So, we live separately, but I am over at her house about half the time.

With the holidays coming up, we're having the same stress we always have. I want to spent my holidays with her, as much as possible, but she refused to make plans until the last minute. It's now a week before Thanksgiving and I don't know if we're having that together with friends or if she's going up to visit her family. In the 3 years we've been together, we've spend 1 thanksgiving together and that was after some pressure on my part. Then, Christmas. She's making plans to go hang out with one of her friends over Christmas. I can see going to see your family over Christmas, but to just go on a girls vacation seems weird. So, with thanksgiving, I wouldn't be upset if it weren't for the fact that she refused to make a decision about it and I'd like to make plans for myself, if we're not going to be together. For Christmas, I'm hurt she'd rather spend time with her friend on vacation than me (or shoot, her family, that would be fine). This is part of a pattern, where we didn't even spent her birthday together because she went to visit friends.

So, I know all these are red flags. The trouble is that, when we're together, we get alone absolutely wonderfully. How do you break up with someone when, every time you're together, it's good? It's just that there's no real future to it...

It's hard to leave a relationship that is otherwise working, but her not being committed to you doesn't workfor you anymore. It's been three years. Each person needs space and interests and friends apart from the other, however

if she chooses those other things more than you, you need to have a serious talk.

Tell her you're unhappy, you want time with her, or you need to go your separate ways.

If you've been allowing her to continue this pattern, she has become comfortable with doing what she pleases,

when she pleases, and knows you will still be there for her. It's not fair for her to stay with you because she's

not certain what it is she wants.

I know and you know staying with her isn't going to make you happy. You two have very different life goals. Things don't always have to be ugly with someone for them not to work out. You just simply tell her you two want different things. Sounds cliche I know but it's the very truth in your situation.

You need to find someone on your wave length.

 

So, I know all these are red flags. The trouble is that, when we're together, we get alone absolutely wonderfully. How do you break up with someone when, every time you're together, it's good? It's just that there's no real future to it...

That's a tough question.

I suppose you just get to a place where you either accept things as they are, with no hesitation or resentment -or- you tell her you have reached an impasse.

There are a lot of women out there you would have a `good' time with. But they'll also have the same end goal and will be willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship.

At 3 yrs and you aren't able to spend milestone holidays or birthdays together would speak volumes to me about her commitment to the relationship and where I stood in her life.

If my goals were not in alignment with that, then I would do the hard thing and extricate myself from it.

I get you two get along well. . .but it's on her terms, correct?

At what point do you take a stand and see to it that your needs are met? If not by her, someone else entirely?

If someone isn't sure about you being a good long-term match after 3 years, i think it's best to break up and move on.

Her feelings are that, though she loves me and loves every moment we're together, she doesn't know if we're a fit, long-term.

Unfortunately, it sounds as though she's making sure you're not!

Quite apart from anything, leaving you dangling until the last minute is rude and thoughtless. From the sound of your post, though, it seems that she doesn't have problems with advance planning where her friends are concerned either. It's not so much that she's choosing to do things with people other than you (which is generally fine and healthy in a relationship) but she's choosing to do them on significant dates when it's not unreasonable to expect to spend them with your loved one. This is a way of distancing you in the relationship and, after 3 years, it's not likely to change. She may say she loves you, but it doesn't seem as though she's got any respect for either your feelings or the relationship.

Either accept that this is the way it's going to be, and start making your own plans which don't involve her; or let go, and find someone who REALLY wants to be with you. It doesn't sound as though you're making any kind of unreasonable demands at the moment, but this girl is never going to meet them.

Thank you all for your helpful and positive comments. I really appreciate it. I wanted to provide a minor update to this post.

Since then, my GF did commit to having Thanksgiving together...kind of. She told me that she wouldn't be visiting her family and she'd ask a few friends if they'd want to come over (keeping in mind this was yesterday, so the Monday before Thanksgiving). One of the couples she asked had family plans (which she, apparently, knew ahead of time? So that was weird). The other she didn't end up asking, but she kind of assumed they'd not be able to make it.

At this point, I feel like I should elaborate on my situation. I am divorced with 2 kids and I have a good relationship with my ex-wife. We alternate what year we have the kids for holidays, like Thanksgiving. This year is her year, but we get along well and she's invited me to dinner at her house with her family. Though I appreciate the offer, I like alternating family and friends for Thanksgiving, so I'd prefer to do something with my GF and our friends. The point being: I have alternatives. If my GF had just told me, flat out, she didn't really want to do something for Thanksgiving, I have other things I could do, rather than her just stringing me along.

Spending holidays and birthdays together is importantly to me and actually celebrating them is also important, obviously. So now I am faced with the choice of asking my ex if her offer for Thanksgiving still stands and spending the holiday with her family or having a normal day with no celebration with my GF. I'm going to do the former, but it's a choice that it saddens me I have to make.

I've also been anxious this week because I truly feel this whole situation is the last straw. I can't keep spending my holidays going through this and I feel like, with nothing after 3 years, I can't reasonably expect to get any more committment from her than I am getting now.

Hmm... you didn't mention your ex-wife and kids in the original post...

This is a difficult one, because someone who was looking to build a future with you might well look at your very cordial relationship with your ex wife as an insuperable barrier - perhaps that's one reason why your girlfriend's ambivalent about the future. So in a way, her lack of commitment is one of the reasons your relationship's survived this long.

This is not AT ALL saying that it's wrong for you to do so; in fact, your first duty is to your children and the good relationship with your ex will be beneficial to them.

Although you spend time together, your girlfriend has had to maintain a life for herself which is independent of you as a couple - because you also have one which is independent of you as a couple. There are aspects of your life together where she has no say whatsoever, and she's accepted this as part of the package and doesn't give you any grief about it (by the sound of things). However, that doesn't oblige her to wait patiently in the wings for you to become available, and someone who would be prepared to do so would probably express some kind of dissatisfaction in time.

Thank you for reply. My continued good standing with my ex is not, I believe, an issue with our relationship. I maintain a good relationship with my ex because I believe that such a relationship is beneficial for the kids. We don't hang out, outside of doing things as parents. My GF also has a good relationship with her ex-husband, who she does not have kids with. In fact, their relationship has always been one which I've had trouble settling myself with. You see, she purposely makes plans to see him when it's just the two of them. I am never invited and have, in fact, been politely been expected to leave when he is coming over. I've brought up how uncomfortable I am with this scenario and how I don't mind them being friends, but the fact she keeps him as a "secret friend" troublesome. Unfortunately, these talks have not resulted in concrete action. I trust her and believe she is not cheating on me with him, but my point is, I would be doubtful that my "let's keep a good relationship for the kids" situation with my wife would be keeping my GF from commiting.

Of course, kids complicate things, but she is actually really good with being involved in their lives (going to their plays and different events). When we've had discussions about commitment levels, it's never the kids who get brought up.

Actually, it sounds as though she's not really capable of any kind of commitment at all; I'd also feel uncomfortable if my partner expected me to leave so their ex could come over. If there aren't children involved then it's actually quite disrespectful to your relationship, even if you're confident that nothing's happening between them.

The point I was making, really, is that wanting someone to wait in the wings knowing that they will always come second to your first family is a very big ask. It's something you take on if you date a guy with kids, but from my own experience it always comes with a bit of eating your heart out - so this may be an issue in future relationships.

Whatever, it sounds as though your current relationship is as good as it gets, and you need to ask yourself if this is really enough.