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Thread: Just don't no what to do

  1. #1
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    Just don't no what to do

    Been with boyfriend 5 years . At the beginning of my relationship I found on his history he was watching porn / Web Cam girls. This hurt me massively and to this day it still does . Things have been going well but he now will be starting a new job which will mean he will be away at hotels a lot / long hours . This may sound ridiculous but all I'm imagining is him in this hotel room getting off to porn etc. Which hurts me so much . He's never been away from me before so if this happens I don't no how to deal with it . All I will be thinking is what's he been up to and I just no I will start resenting him to the point I don't even no if the relationship would last. Yes I have massive self esteem issues but him doing this to me at the start of the relationship has really ruined things , I sound controlling but I don't even leave the house with him at home due to me worrying to much about what he might do/look at. Please help.

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    Have you spoken to him about it and how it makes you feel?

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    Platinum Member Dahl's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by megamuppet
    Have you spoken to him about it and how it makes you feel?
    Excellent question - and if so, OP, what was his response / the two of your understanding about how to resolve the conflict?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What's this insecurity about? Masturbating to porn is not unusual or cheating. This doesn't "hurt you", it makes you feel insecure.

    Only therapy will fix this obsession. Did you suffer from OCD before? Why do you have self esteem problems? Reinvent yourself while he's away. Work out, get in shape, take exercise and yoga classes to relax, get a new hairstyle and clothes.

    Take some courses or lessons. Get involved with family and friends. Volunteer. Become more secure and interesting and independent.

    Are you afraid he will up his game to hookers? Are you afraid that you can't police him while he's away?
    Originally Posted by Ella5
    I'm imagining is him in this hotel room getting off to porn etc. I will be thinking is what's he been up to and I just no I will start resenting him to the point I don't even no if the relationship would last. I sound controlling but I don't even leave the house with him at home due to me worrying to much about what he might do/look at. Please help.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 03-31-2017 at 03:27 PM.

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    Originally Posted by Dahl
    Excellent question - and if so, OP, what was his response / the two of your understanding about how to resolve the conflict?
    Thankyou for replying. He doesn't no how I feel about the porn thing I have kept this bottled up . But he knows I'm not happy about him going to hotels etc but what can I do its his job .

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    To me I feel it is cheating. All.that goes on is my head is why am I not good enough , proably because I have next to no boobs and I'm not exactly skinny like these lovely looking people in porn! It hurts me massively and I can't see this changing anytime soon. I have High morals I guess and I just don't expect it from a partner of nearly 6 years.

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    Platinum Member Dahl's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ella5
    Thankyou for replying. He doesn't no how I feel about the porn thing I have kept this bottled up . But he knows I'm not happy about him going to hotels etc but what can I do its his job .
    Is there any reason why you would not feel comfortable speaking with him about your feelings?

    I think that his focus will be on his new job, not being naughty in a hotel room, if that helps. You said things are going well - I don't think that you should worry that he's trying to get away with anything.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What would you say? "You're not allowed to masturbate" like you're his mother and he's 12?

    Were you brought up to believe that this or sex is "dirty"?

    There seems to be much deeper issues such as your lack of trust, controlling him like a child, over-dependence, etc. How is your sex life? Has he ever cheated?
    Originally Posted by Ella5
    THe doesn't no how I feel about the porn thing I have kept this bottled up .

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ella5
    I don't even leave the house with him at home due to me worrying to much about what he might do/look at. Please help.
    Did I read this right? You don't leave the house in fear he'll look at porn in your absence?
    Look. . .everyone is different and I am not going to tell you that this should not bother you.
    (I personally draw the line at webs cams tho)

    If you haven't shared with him how you feel about this. .then this is a great place to start.
    You both have things that you're withholding from each other. He doesn't know you know about the porn and he doesn't know
    how you feel about it.

    Being afraid to leave him alone for a minute suggests that this discussion is long overdue and way out of hand.
    Now with his impending travel, you'll need to speak up. I don't see any way around it.
    See if there is some sort of compromise. You may never know unless you ask.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 03-31-2017 at 03:33 PM.

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    Men need porn to masturbate, there is nothing strange about it. It is not cheating, if you have male friends ask them about and they will probably confirm it.
    Look, when women masturbate we don t need to watch porn because we use our imagination, we also need some pictures, a story it doesn t work by itself, but men they don t usually have the time, energy and imagination for that so for them the easiest way to do it, to just watch porn. If he is nice to you, doesn t neglect you I wouldn t worry.

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