can I forgive him?

[Loz]

I have been with my BF 8 years and we have a son. At the beginning I was very sensitive and unreasonable. If a woman come on tv or he looked at page 3 it would be an argument die to my own insecurities. Obviously I do not wish my by to watch porn. He knew about this all along and swore he doesn’t. I got better with the other stuff and I trusted him 100 percent not to watch porn. My bday set up how oen business and I went to work all hours to pay the bills while his business built up. Our relationship took the brunt of this as I was tired and fed up and not seeing my little boy but also he was not help Not me in the house or with little ones homework etc. I was coming home 11 pm and doing the pots and when I picked little one up from school it was homework bath and tea (which I was still doing daily) even if he was off work(which majority of time he was. He never really cleaned or helped out. I was working morning noon and night and cooking and cleaning doing homework and shopping and sorting little one. Things got so on top of me I suffered expression. I was asked to b signed off work but couldn’t afford it. I felt my bed was very unsupportive as he still didn’t help me. I carried on like this for 1 and a half years. We was always arguing and in separate beds. Long story shortened. I found out he had been on porn(cuckolding) I told him to leave as he also did this when we was trying for s baby for 4 years and doctors had told him not to do anything in between but all alone no he was. In the end I called his bluff about his fantasy of cuckolding. Anyway lng talks and we went through with it. This affected me so bad and I still resent him for it. We carried on however as we were but he had swore Mo more porn. I believed him. Anyway a year later he has been in it again. But he has been following swingers sites, and I found dating sites (which he said he hasn’t been on) he disabled find my iphone(says was to hide history) he went on things such as , my wife’s pissy( white bull for cuckold wife , and messages from women coming though and adds of these women on tv, searches his ex plus other women and even a women from a cuckold video he searched her personal profile on fun. Says to nosy at what her life is like- married kids etc. Says all just to be nosy. I feel so hurt and messed up .he has moved out and wants to try again. He says he’s only been on porn amdnot cleaned up enough and everybody things I’m pathetic. Am I being unreasonably please help!

[ThatwasThen]

If for no other reason, it would be less angst for you to keep him away from you and your son (other then supervised visits). You are doing ALL of the work as it is so as long as he's gone, you'll not have to worry about feeding him and picking up after him.

You and your son are better off without this garbage of a man. Where did you meet him?

[thealchemist]

Well I took from her post that he was the father. So I don't think taking him away from him is much of on option just because he is lazy and watches porn.

As for the porn, I really don't register that as an issue. In no way do I see porn as any type of infidelity.

Him repeatedly lying about it isn't cool though. But i must say that I find many people to be ridiculously stern on this issue and I can empathize SOMEWHAT with guys who do lie, although lying is a large breach of trust, lying about porn usage I take with a grain of salt.

Not to take the wind out of your sails but you finding a guy who genuinely never watches porn is about as likely as you winning the lottery everyday this week. Sorry but if a guy says he never watches porn it is pretty much always a lie.

But him being as lazy as you say he is is an issue. Totally different from the others but a big deal to me.

Him being on swinger or dating sites is totally unacceptable. I could deal with the other issues but that is rough. That doesn't imply porn usage but intent to cheat, or at least seeing what else is out there. So I might have played down your other issues but you being this upset is justified just off of this issue.

[ThatwasThen]

I called his bluff about his fantasy of cuckolding. Anyway lng talks and we went through with it.

With that ^ and you add the dating sites, the cuckholding porn, the laziness and his inability to do much of anything around the house... I'd be reluctant to leave my son alone with him hence why I suggested "supervised" visits. (at least until he gets his self together, gets a job and quits his fascination.

I actually think his porn watching is THE least of their problems.

I'll add op that you need to work on your boundaries and confidence and stop with letting anyone talk you into doing things that go against your sensibilities. You chose to do his fantasy instead of leaving him and getting on without this dead weight that he is in your life.

[Loz]

Thanks for your replies. The biggest issue for me is the lies and swearing in my life and the extent of “porn” he has been on he says he followed the swingers sure by mistake and the dating sites just come up as adverts and may have clicked on the by accident. Although hard to believe after been lied to all these years. Also a sites where a load of women come up saying who wana date me?? Which he was also following. Plus the searching the woman’s personal profile that he had seen in cuckold videos. I thought that was too far to say it’s just porn. He says it’s me with the problem not Him and he had no choice but to lie. Also the doing his while we was trying for a baby while be diagnosed with unexplained infertility I thought he could have tried as hard as me, the doctors told him not to do anything in between as it can reduce the quality of sperm. But he says he didn’t think it was an issue what he was doing. This was kind of a final straw after all the not helping and unsupported through depression . I need to know
If I am being unreasonable and if it is me with the problem and he’s done nothing wrong ? Nothing that every other man would have done.?

[Futurehope00]

I'm not a parent, but i was a step dad before. My ex was not happy and it effected the upbringing of the child.
Is natural for a man to see other woman walking past at times, im sure women do the same when someone attractive comes on TV.
Maybe he has an addiction to porn and doesnt know it yet, and maybe when he calls you need to tell him that.
A fantasy is a fantasy, like a threesome. But i wouldnt want another woman let alone a man touch my fiance.
I watch porn time to time, because not all the time when i want sex she wants it due to over working etc. And vice versa.
Instead of cheating i have watched porn accasionaly.
My line of work i tend to meet a number of women so instead of allowing them to get closer to me or something bad happens. Well thats when i watch it if i cant get sex on the day.

All i can say, is give yourself time and him too. just dont have contact or limited (due to the child). And try see what makes you happy.
Write a list of what you want in terms of goals and future.
And later see if that can be met with him or without him.

[Loz]

Thanks for your reply. The porn wasn’t now and again it is near enough daily. And the extent of the porn that worried me as like he searched for a women’s personal profile from a cuckold video to see if she had a husband and kids and to see what her life is like. To me if it’s just for porn , watch a little and do what it is that’s needed then turn off and forget about it but to go searching for the woman personally was too
Much. Plus the young bull for hot wife and young bull for cuckold wife and my wife’s p***y maybe too far? Or is that just me looking too much into it?

[ThatwasThen]

Thanks for your reply. The porn wasn’t now and again it is near enough daily. And the extent of the porn that worried me as like he searched for a women’s personal profile from a cuckold video to see if she had a husband and kids and to see what her life is like. To me if it’s just for porn , watch a little and do what it is that’s needed then turn off and forget about it but to go searching for the woman personally was too
Much. Plus the young bull for hot wife and young bull for cuckold wife and my wife’s p***y maybe too far? Or is that just me looking too much into it?

Who cares what type of porn he watches or what he does after he watches it. He's a lousy spouse in general. He's lazy and he's indifferent to you and your needs. You'd be better off without him, take the time to heal and then find someone decent and helpful and contributing to the financials. This guy is a waste. Find someone else to love for goodness sakes don't get yourself trapped with him for another minute never mind the rest of your life.