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How Should I have handled it?


CONFUSED214

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My GF and I were together for about 5 months. Things were great except for some of my questioning her online activity which challenged her. All communication stopped after one of these arguments. I sent her an apology and she did not respond. I sent her a "sad" face emoji the next day and received no reply. I knew she needed some cooling off and that I had really pushed the limits. i knew things were bad after 3 days but I decided that my apology had to stand for itself ... so i stayed NC.

After 2 weeks, i sent her a "HEART" on fb messenger and an mssg alert said

"Message was "SENT but not delivered".

 

4 days later she still had not seen that i had sent it. So, I wrote her a message.

" I tried to message you, but my Messages say SENT, but not DELIVERED. I guess you have me blocked or muted."

With that message, I UNFRIENDED her. I was hurt and mad. People get through a lot worse situations than this and if i am not any more important than that ... then"F" it.

I regret how it ended and i take responsibility for it and I probably deserve what I got. I own that.

My questions are: Did she probably want more effort on my part?

(2) Did she get mad that i waited 12 days before making contact after my apology?

(3) Was she teaching me a lesson that just went too far with our 2 egos colliding?

(4) Did I really screw it up by UNFRIENDING her?

I meet lots of girls, so my life is good, but, this was an amazing girl I joined this site because I want to be a better person and the only way i can do better next time ... is to not make the same mistakes.

4 months later ...Is it worth trying to salvage a friendship out of it? .... since, (from my perspective) the window of "magic" for us has passed.

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i understand the strategy behind NC but i am wondering if i implement it too soon when i should have made more of an effort to address the problem. In fact... people underestimate my ability to easily cut people out of my life. I just think if it is used the wrong way.... you'll end up with nobody in your life because you never have any dialogue. It is the equivalent of hitting the big red button before trying any diplomacy.

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i would get on FB and see that she was previously online but didn't REPLY to a standing mssg i had sent her. she rarely posted on FB or communicate with her family or a network of girlfriends on there.

she would deny being on there.

 

So you picked a fight over a facebook message that she didn't respond to during the time period you thought she should? Is that right?

 

I don't know. After five months that might have been the moment that made it clear that you two weren't compatible. What do you mean by "that I had really pushed the limits"?

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What do you mean by "that I had really pushed the limits"?

 

she got mad before about me questioning her online activity. We all have experiences that influence who we are. I am not proud of it and i am trying to work through it, but my last GFs had frequent side conversations with other guys she said were friends. They were just "orbiters" looking for an opportunity to land on a bad day or after an argument. Cheaters makes us more aware/cautious of things out of place. I already said... the argument was my fault. I own it.

 

But, that was not the reason for my posting. I think we might have been talk through this if i had not gone NC so quick. I need to know (preferably from a girl's opinion) if i should have tried to talk a bit before I went NC. Because when I went NC and if she was expecting to see some effort ... then we just ended up in a stand-off that never ended.

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I have the Facebook app on my phone. It pings and sometimes looks like i am online when i really am not -- the app is just giving me notifications, etc. particularly with messenger mostly. I really really think you picked the wrong battle here. But if she *was* cheating or was NOT cheating, you were handling things like she was for sure cheating no matter what. You are punishing her for what your last girlfriend did.

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i understand the strategy behind NC but i am wondering if i implement it too soon when i should have made more of an effort to address the problem. In fact... people underestimate my ability to easily cut people out of my life. I just think if it is used the wrong way.... you'll end up with nobody in your life because you never have any dialogue. It is the equivalent of hitting the big red button before trying any diplomacy.

 

There is no strategy to NC -- it only helps you move on. you don't do it to get the other person do do something.

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I have the Facebook app on my phone. It pings and sometimes looks like i am online when i really am not -- the app is just giving me notifications, etc. particularly with messenger mostly. I really really think you picked the wrong battle here. But if she *was* cheating or was NOT cheating, you were handling things like she was for sure cheating no matter what. You are punishing her for what your last girlfriend did.

 

Oh.. i know. It is a toxic condition to live with as a defense mechanism.

 

I have used NC (short term) to signal that certain activity is not acceptable. but it wasnt to manipulate... i really did move on. And i was doing the same thing in this situation. I made my apology and then i reached out again. But my apology needed to be acknowledged ... or i was gone. You can't have a relationship with somebody who just wants to make you beg them. Before i heard of NC..... i called it Little Bo Peeping them. "leave them alone and they will come home".

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Umm.....well you really need to work on leaving your past baggage in the past. You really did pick a ridiculous fight and I don't think that your NC or no NC would have made a bit of difference. Your overall baggage, behavior, and accusations in combination are what ended things between you and her. Personally, in her shoes I would have dropped you as well. She chose to end things with you for good cause and not because you went NC. Sure you can apologize, but it doesn't mean that people will just accept it and carry on with you. Bad behavior can wreck things permanently and I think you need to honestly consider that aspect instead of just brushing it off as "gosh if she doesn't accept my apology then she is the loser."

 

No, please don't contact her again. You aren't friends, you were in a relationship. It ended. It's over. You need to move on, work on yourself so you don't ever do that kind of stuff again, make better choices and start over with someone else on a clean slate. Heck, you might want to actually take a real dating break so you can genuinely get your head screwed on straight. If you have a history of picking up girls who will cheat, I hate to say this, but you are the common denominator, as in your picker is broken and needs work and fine tuning.

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Oh.. i know. It is a toxic condition to live with as a defense mechanism.

 

I have used NC (short term) to signal that certain activity is not acceptable. but it wasnt to manipulate... i really did move on. And i was doing the same thing in this situation. I made my apology and then i reached out again. But my apology needed to be acknowledged ... or i was gone. You can't have a relationship with somebody who just wants to make you beg them. Before i heard of NC..... i called it Little Bo Peeping them. "leave them alone and they will come home".

 

Ignoring someone to "punish" someone and to tell them that a behavior is not acceptable is very passive aggressive at best -- and can be abusive at worst. You didn't tell her "its over" right - you just went NC/blocked her? Also, just because someone apologizes doesn't mean that other person is ready to respond -- sometimes responses take thought and time. She wasn't "asking" you to beg. Personally, if my boyfriend treated me like that--- was so suspicious and monitoring my moves online -- i would think he did me a favor by not talking to me. She really dodged a bullet because being with someone who monitors your online activity to that degree is scary. Also, if it was really important for you to apologize to her, you would have seen her in person or picked up the phone and called her -- not send her emojis. Unless you are 12.

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Ignoring someone to "punish" someone and to tell them that a behavior is not acceptable is very passive aggressive at best -- and can be abusive at worst. You didn't tell her "its over" right - you just went NC/blocked her? Also, just because someone apologizes doesn't mean that other person is ready to respond -- sometimes responses take thought and time. She wasn't "asking" you to beg. Personally, if my boyfriend treated me like that--- was so suspicious and monitoring my moves online -- i would think he did me a favor by not talking to me. She really dodged a bullet because being with someone who monitors your online activity to that degree is scary. Also, if it was really important for you to apologize to her, you would have seen her in person or picked up the phone and called her -- not send her emojis. Unless you are 12.

 

You're right. Those are tough words to hear, but i deserve them and appreciate your honesty. This is how we get better.

I should have let her process my apology in her time frame instead of my time frame and unfriending her.

I'm the loser here.

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Oh.. i know. It is a toxic condition to live with as a defense mechanism.

 

I have used NC (short term) to signal that certain activity is not acceptable. but it wasnt to manipulate... i really did move on. And i was doing the same thing in this situation. I made my apology and then i reached out again. But my apology needed to be acknowledged ... or i was gone. You can't have a relationship with somebody who just wants to make you beg them. Before i heard of NC..... i called it Little Bo Peeping them. "leave them alone and they will come home".

Your motivation for your apology is way off. Your apology seems to relieve your own discomfort and you expected something in return.

And you are use NC or Bo Peep? for the purpose of trying to get a response from her. . .you so much as say so

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