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My Ex Husband still berates me


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Hello, first off I am not sure why I am on a forum but.. I need an anonymous outlet I guess because my friends and family all say the same thing. "Why do you let what he says get to you?" The answer to that is.. he is the father of my kids and I will always love him.

 

I left back in 2011, had to file for temporary custody to leave the state and move back home to where both of our familys live. The judge granted the move. I had a 2 month old baby (with my ex) and our other child was 8. I did it all myself without any help from him while he was filandering with women and partying. After the move for 2 years or so we were cordial and him even saying he couldnt get rid of the current woman he was seeing. He even added me to facebook. Well then boom, he filed for divorce AND custody and everything changed. I was suddenly a bad mom, a and worthless once again in his eyes and him telling everyone I was crazy to anyone who would listen. I got lucky with the best lawyer in the world who did it all pro-bono. I consider him a saint. He saw right through my ex and during the 2 day trial they had no evidence proving I was a bad mom, or any of the claims that he had said. I on the other hand had evidence galore of everything I have done on my own for the kids and how I have tried to consistantly get along. After a month, the veridict was out. I had kept custody and he had to pay more money, and of course he blamed me when it wasnt my decision it was the judges.

Well now.. I had a half an hour earful of how worthless I am, how if he told me enough how worthless I was then maybe I would kill myself. He said that the 25 hours a week I work is pitiful even when I explained that I did it that way to be able to take my kids to school and pick them up without daycare. He called me a and said thats how I probably got my lawyer in the first place. Truth is, I retained him through the volunteer lawyer project and he just happens to be a brilliant saint (in my eyes). I am not a in fact I have been celebate for years, terrified of dating anyone and being called names or my kids being hurt somehow. So him calling me a is really once again without bearing and no evidence to back it up. Of course I could be lying to get sympathy on this forum but I am not. Its anonymous after all, and I am telling the truth. Dating terrifies me, and finding love even worse because of the fear of getting hurt.

Going back to the verbal insults I received today, my family doesnt understand why this man still gets to me and its been years since I have been actually with him. The truth is, I have a hope deep down inside that he will look at me and hug me and apologize and actually be nice to me. Its a dream I have and think about constantly. I love that man so much, of course I would never take him back but.. if he could just be decent to me, I would probably crumble in his arms and forgive him, if I already havent.

The outburts today from him is all because the child support started to automatically withdrawl from his pay instead of him having the one last control he had which was sending (late) checks or cancelling them without telling me. On my end.. it relieves the burden of waiting for him every two weeks hoping he has sent it, but on his end it created fury and him thinking I am less than worthless pile of dung on the ground. My question is... how in the world after all these years, do I become numb to his insults, or better yet, how do I get him to realize I am a good mom, with a job, and I do it all alone without help and for him to treat me as an equal parent? I dont want pity or to be some sort of victim, I need strength somehow.

Thanks.

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The guy has issues of his own, and you cant solve that. The only person you control is yourself. I think you'd benefit from some counselling to learn why you put up with him, why you say you love him when there doesnt appear to be anything to love, and how you can learn to let go of this fantasy that one day he will speak nicely to you and become a decent person. I think you "love" the fantasy of what he could be and not what he actually is. Think on that for a bit!

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No matter how wonderful of a person you are, no matter how badly he treated you, no matter how wonderful of a mom you are, its not going to change how he views you. You are not going to get an apology, you are not going to get an "I'm wrong" or "I'm sorry" because he is angry. At what, I don't know but he is angry and you are his outlet. Why wouldn't he yell at a guy bigger than him? Because there would be consequences. But with you, he berates and yells because you cant hurt him. Its a power play, its a way to keep you beneath him and saying "I'm sorry" would put you on the same level as him and there is no way that is going to happen.

 

This man shouldn't be a part of your life. Your kids...yes, yours... no. I would suggest for you to go to counseling. And next time he starts with the insults.. hang up. Its not about you becoming numb to the insults, its about you not accepting his behavior. If he wants to insult someone else..go for it, but if he wants to insult you.. don't accept it. Record when he calls..what was said and if there are any threats against you.. you write them down. You might have to get your atty to send him a letter to say stop or file for a TRO. You do not have to accept his behavior.... period

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I'm sorry to say that it will probably always cause you 'some hurt. I wondered if he might have a drinking problem, and you might be able to get some strength from a 12 step program.

 

Underneath his insults to you., he knows he has been an a$$, and now he's having to pay the price for that. His fragile ego took some battering through the court process, and he isn't dealing with it.

 

There's not a lot of point in trying to show him that you are a good person and mother. If he concedes to that, what does that make him. In His dyes, an idiot. Actually, I think he probably is an idiot as well.

 

I wish I had some good advice to give you. Can only tell you that you are not alone. So many people go through this. Just realise what how are dealing with a man-child here.

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Why do you want or need respect from someone who you should have no respect for? I understand you loving him. It's hard to stop loving someone if it's genuine. However, you don't need his approval. You see what he is about. You see what he thinks is acceptable behavior. Why would you need the approval of someone who has a bar set so low?

 

Get counseling, My Friend. So that you can start to understand what it means to love and respect yourself. Your opinion of yourself and your actions is the only one that matters. Treat your children right. Treat yourself right. Look yourself in the mirror and get your approval from her.

 

He's horrible. Don't waste another second of your precious time, tears or emotions on him. He is taking your energy and feeding off of it. Stop giving him control. He doesn't deserve to have that much power over you.

 

Sending you light and love.

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Why do you want or need respect from someone who you should have no respect for? I understand you loving him. It's hard to stop loving someone if it's genuine. However, you don't need his approval. You see what he is about. You see what he thinks is acceptable behavior. Why would you need the approval of someone who has a bar set so low?

 

Get counseling, My Friend. So that you can start to understand what it means to love and respect yourself. Your opinion of yourself and your actions is the only one that matters. Treat your children right. Treat yourself right. Look yourself in the mirror and get your approval from her.

 

He's horrible. Don't waste another second of your precious time, tears or emotions on him. He is taking your energy and feeding off of it. Stop giving him control. He doesn't deserve to have that much power over you.

 

Sending you light and love.

 

 

Thank you I am struggling, when I look in the mirror I see a tired single mom, who tries to do her best. I have people who are proud of me, friends who care. Then a half hour of "him" taking me back to 2010 feelings of worthlessness just undoes some of it. My kids, hug me and say they love me every day. They get good grades, I like my job and like the money I get from it. I have a feeling if I lived in a mansion and looked like a model he would still say I am worthless. I have gotten counseling, and it seems that no matter what I do his words still hurt. I told him on the phone his opinion of me doesnt matter and he hung up on me. But it was a lie, his words matter. I pray someday, he can look at me again, maybe with a smile and say Im sorry or something, anything. I am definately not waiting for that but it is a dream I have. He once told me back in 2009 he could put me in a manhole and noone would ever find me. in 2010 I got pregnant with our daughter in which that gave me the strength to take steps to leave him. I think his hatred comes from me taking them away, me getting child support, winning the custody case, and now he lost control with sending checks it is now automatic withdrawl. His hate grows, when all I was doing was fighting to be the kids mother, and alleviating the problem of him sending checks and me worrying whether or not I will get them. He has lost all control over everything but I dont see how that could make him want me to kill myself, or die or be worthless. I asked my kids if they think I am a good mom and I got a hug and an I love you. My son is 14 so that surprised me. What would really help is maybe a support group of people in a room to talk to. Counseling just.. lets me talk, and I can talk to my mother if I need to. I need people who have been there and really have learned how to not FEEL anything when someone you once loved or love berates you.

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He hates himself. Not you. One day you will see that.

 

You need to learn to embrace the truth. You're a good mom and a good person. No one needs to validate that fact but you.

 

You don't need his approval and that one day you hope for will most likely never come. He has deep rooted problems and he needs to address them.

 

Don't let someone with no gauge of what's right and wrong judge you....tell you your self worth....tell you who you are....determine your value. He doesn't know what good is. If he did, he wouldn't treat you the way that he does.

 

Why would you expect an expert opinion from someone who has no experience with what you need? You wouldn't ask a fry cook to fix your car....he wouldn't know where to start because he doesn't know anything about cars.

 

Your ex doesn't know anything about you.

 

I pray one day his approval means nothing to you. You can love him and wish him well and let him go and leave him and his opinions to rot where there should.

 

Sending you hugs.

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I've been on the reverse side of this. When I left my ex-wife (for the good of the children. I had always been faithful), she was incandescent with anger. Withheld my children from me, threatened to abduct them, had me arrested (while it was my time with the kids). I have given her more in the eventual financial settlement than she deserves so that my children have a mortgage-free home over their heads. I pay her more in child support than I legally need to and have never been late never mind miss a payment.

But.. she is still extremely angry (and probably will be for life). And though I grieved for a long time the loss of the dream, what we might have been, eventually I accepted the new life. When she calls and goes off on one, I have to politely remind her I am no longer her husband and end the conversation. You do NOT have to listen to abuse. Our exes have the right to be upset, even angry, but there are things they do NOT have the right to, and affecting your dignity is one of them.

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OP have you ever dealt with a three year old pitching a raging incoherent tantrum because they didn't get something their way? Your ex might look like a grown man, but on an emotional level he is functioning exactly like that three year old. The only real difference is that your ex is an adult and can use adult words and knows how to hurt you. So how do you stop being affected by it? You recognize his tantrums for what they are - a tantrum that has nothing to do with you. Also, you remember that he is an ex and that you do not need to listen to or tolerate his abuse anymore, so you tell him that you will not speak to him when he is acts out like that and hang up. Tough love and discipline OP. For as long as you keep humoring these tantrums, for as long as you keep letting him use you as his punching bag, he'll keep at it. If you want him to knock this off and actually find some respect for you, you'll need to learn how to say NO! and enforce it with your actions.

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Sounds like my ex-wife. What I did was to close every avenue of attack that she attempted by ignoring it. They will try to find that one thing that gets to you and if they find it, they’ll exploit it. Though we have children together and we share custody, I don’t see my ex nor talk to her. All dealings are accomplished via email. And it is *strictly* business about the kids. I’ve had to deal with BS sprinkled in with business about the kids via email and you just need to pick the relavant pieces out and ignore the rest. My kids are older teenagers and unfortunately, they tell me that there is not a day that goes by that she doesn’t paint me in a negative light. Fortunately the kids are old enough to see through the BS. Also, I’m fortunate that my ex is with someone who has their head screwed on straight. He sees BS and has told my children that despite what your mom tells you, you should never lie to your dad. Bottom line is, just don’t engage. Keep discussions only about the business of raising the children and do everything you can to minimize contact with them.

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While I obviously can't defend his actions, I wonder what choice words you would have for him if had custody of the kids and moved them out of the state. Not saying you did the wrong thing, but that i's sometimes easier to brush the hate off when you you can see it's coming from an inferior position.

 

You're with your family, you've got your kids, he likely financially sank himself fighting for custody (not at all suggesting you shouldn't have won), and he's likely stuck working out of state and away from his children and his family, as it'd be risky enough to leave whatever job he has without the fact he's already behind on his payments. It's a pretty common situation for a lot of guys to decide a nice and snug noose would be pretty comfortable.

 

Again, none of this saying you've done anything wrong or that there aren't ways he could better help himself but hasn't. I have no reason to assume you're anything but a great mother with her kids' best interests in mind. More importantly, the court seems to think so. Just see it for what it is. The rantings of a miserable man.

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You do not have to accept any contact from him except him sending the check (or however the money is distributed and about the kids when necessary. Does he get to take the kids for visitation or does he only get to see him if he travels to spend time with them. he can communicate to arrange to see them, by email. He doesn't have to call you. you can send him updates about the kids by email OR arrange to send it through his attorney. You have full physical custody - do you have joint or full legal custody? if you have joint legal custody, then update him through the mail or email and do NOT answer his calls. you don't have to. If you have full legal - then you have no obligation

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Thanks for the replies. To clarify, I normally do everything through email in dealing with him but... I had to call him to ask if he sent the child support check or not, and the child support recovery unit started the withdrawl (so I am guessing) and he went on a rant about how worthless I was and wouldnt tell me if he sent a check or if they took the money out so... I still don't know because it hasnt shown up yet. After his berating rant, I simply asked if they recovery unit took it out or he sent a check and his response was he doesnt have to tell me . That was why I chose to call him, emailing him usually gets no response unless he wants something. As for taking his children out of state, my ex's entire family is in the same area as mine. He is military and chooses to stay where he is even though there is a unit closer he could be at. I went to court and asked to leave to come home because being alone in a state with no family, with a man who did nothing but try to destroy my self worth and control my every move wasnt working for me. I chose to save myself so I could be a better mother because around him I was lacking and had no motivation to strive to be better. He fought for custody solely because of money (i believe). He gets deployed, isnt home a lot due to working long days and is gone weeks at a time for emergency weather relief so his new wife would get stuck taking care of the kids, maybe not even her because she also works full time so.. strangers would be taking care of our kids. He is a good father, probably 90% better than most, building things with them, teaching things to them, reading to them over the phone, hugs and kisses etc.. I will always love him, and I desire a way for him to treat me like he did 15 years ago when we first met and treat me like an equal instead of him wanting me to kill myself. I hope all this makes sense.

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Thanks for the replies. To clarify, I normally do everything through email in dealing with him but... I had to call him to ask if he sent the child support check or not, and the child support recovery unit started the withdrawl (so I am guessing) and he went on a rant about how worthless I was and wouldnt tell me if he sent a check or if they took the money out so... I still don't know because it hasnt shown up yet. After his berating rant, I simply asked if they recovery unit took it out or he sent a check and his response was he doesnt have to tell me . That was why I chose to call him, emailing him usually gets no response unless he wants something. As for taking his children out of state, my ex's entire family is in the same area as mine. He is military and chooses to stay where he is even though there is a unit closer he could be at. I went to court and asked to leave to come home because being alone in a state with no family, with a man who did nothing but try to destroy my self worth and control my every move wasnt working for me. I chose to save myself so I could be a better mother because around him I was lacking and had no motivation to strive to be better. He fought for custody solely because of money (i believe). He gets deployed, isnt home a lot due to working long days and is gone weeks at a time for emergency weather relief so his new wife would get stuck taking care of the kids, maybe not even her because she also works full time so.. strangers would be taking care of our kids. He is a good father, probably 90% better than most, building things with them, teaching things to them, reading to them over the phone, hugs and kisses etc.. I will always love him, and I desire a way for him to treat me like he did 15 years ago when we first met and treat me like an equal instead of him wanting me to kill myself. I hope all this makes sense.

 

Is there a number you can call to speak to someone at the child support recovery unit to ask if the money is coming through them so you don't have to actually speak with him? I think if you can avoid speaking with him whenever you can, its better for your mental health. He seems to be a good dad but ONLY at arm's length. The kids are safe when he is a part time dad because they are not around him enough to experience the abuse that you experience.

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