How do you cope with insecurity when dating?

I've never liked myself much when it comes to looks (I've got certain issues) and that's one thing that bothers me a lot when trying to go on dates. I am insecure and always thinking about whether the girl will like me or not (of course I assume she won't, most of the times). I have other traits, of course, but I am always thinking about my appearance. Like it's the single most important thing. How do I change my views?

Working out and getting in better shape can work wonders on confidence.

Internal confidence can do a lot on how others perceive you. IMO it is more important than pure physical looks.

Well.....I mean if she agreed to go on a date with you, it's not because of your inner beauty, it's because she found you physically attractive. So in that respect you are already there with her.

I have found that a lot of women are more attracted to self confidence than looks. If you go into things with nothing to lose, you'll do a lot better. Sounds like you have an issue with worrying about whether a particular woman will like you. That's where the problem starts. You know what? Who cares if they don't like you? Another girl will. That's the wonderful part of life - there's literally no end to the amount of women you can possibly talk to, so changing the attitude from one of seeking acceptance to pure confidence is key. Keep on assuming the woman won't like you and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. What exactly do you not like about your appearance? Not all of us are born looking like super models. Frankly it's a matter of perspective.

Working out and getting in better shape can work wonders on confidence.

 

Internal confidence can do a lot on how others perceive you. IMO it is more important than pure physical looks.

I don't have a problem with my body, I am 5'12" and 170 lbs. My biggest concern is my face as I've still got acne and many scars from it. I can't afford laser treatment and it can't solve my problem completely.

Well.....I mean if she agreed to go on a date with you, it's not because of your inner beauty, it's because she found you physically attractive. So in that respect you are already there with her.

I am using dating sites now, so she can't exactly know how I look like. I mean - it's just a picture and it can be misleading.

I have found that a lot of women are more attracted to self confidence than looks. If you go into things with nothing to lose, you'll do a lot better. Sounds like you have an issue with worrying about whether a particular woman will like you. That's where the problem starts. You know what? Who cares if they don't like you? Another girl will. That's the wonderful part of life - there's literally no end to the amount of women you can possibly talk to, so changing the attitude from one of seeking acceptance to pure confidence is key. Keep on assuming the woman won't like you and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. What exactly do you not like about your appearance? Not all of us are born looking like super models. Frankly it's a matter of perspective.

I don't have an issue with a particular woman, I have an issue with all the women I don't like my face (look my post above).

Well in my experience if you are in decent shape and have confidence your actual face attractiveness isn't near as big of a deal.

Self confidence is the big part, I just said physical fitness because that is an easy way to boost your confidence.

How old are you?

Is this just general insecurities with woman coming out?

I don't know how to assess my shape, but I am not fat nor skinny. I have an average or above average height for my country and a healthy weight, I think. I have some self-confidence but looks is the thing I am alway worrying about when going out on a date. I am 30. I didn't understand your last question?

Well if you aren't out of shape but not in great shape the chemicals your body releases while working out will still help.

I would recommend trying to get in better physical shape even if you aren't in bad shape. The mental aspects associated with physical exertion helps confidence.

I am 30 too.

What I ment with general female insecurities is that you might have decent confidence in general but bad confidence only when a female is involved.

If you have general female insecurities I would recommend practicing talking to females in a non romantic setting to help you.

So instead of trying to develop your social skills and confidence during a date try doing some other social things where you can interact with females.

Whether that is volunteering at park cleanup or at a shelter or something. People tend to be very friendly at these things and it is a great way to work out your social skills and confidence with females.

I swim every weekend and it feels great! Not only physically but mentally too. I guess chemicals are also released when swimming but it doesn't help me with women I do have bad confidence when a female is involved but only when this female is an object of my desire. I mean - I don't have a problem talking to women that are friends of mine. But talking to a female I want as a partner - that's another story. I become more concentrated like it's some kind of a test and I have to pass it. I try to show myself in the best light possible while I still don't like myself physically and project that onto women, I guess - I automatically assume they won't like me, too.

Nothing wrong with your looks or face. In fact you are good looking. However, this extreme insecure attitude would leave me cold. I mean a man is supposed to be a little rough around the edges - it's sexy. If a guy is too worried about his looks and prances in front of a mirror like he is a girl....honestly, that's a total and absolute turn off. It's too effeminate.

Just curious - would you judge a woman harshly if she had scars? Would that be a total instant turn off for you?

Nothing wrong with your looks or face. In fact you are good looking. However, this extreme insecure attitude would leave me cold. I mean a man is supposed to be a little rough around the edges - it's sexy. If a guy is too worried about his looks and prances in front of a mirror like he is a girl....honestly, that's a total and absolute turn off. It's too effeminate.

 

Just curious - would you judge a woman harshly if she had scars? Would that be a total instant turn off for you?

I didn't post a close-up picture, that's why you don't see anything wrong Never mind, kidding or not, I have a hard time accepting myself. I won't judge a woman if she had scars. I don't have a specific type of girls I like and if I like her, the scars won't matter. But I don't know what I like. I mean - I don't think about it, it's subconscious, I guess? I see a girl which attracts me and that's it. She may have scars or whatever but if I'm attracted - fine.

In the picture you posted, you're actually very attractive. Nice face, and you look fit. I enlarged your picture and honestly I don't see acne or scarring, but I believe you obviously, if you say you have it. Scars/acne have never turned me off about a guy. I prefer my men more rugged (a term someone used previously) and not model-perfect. I'm just not into fancy-men who tan, over-whiten their teeth, and spend more on their haircuts than me Nothing wrong with any of that - it's just not what I find personally attractive.

I'm not sure how you can improve your confidence; I do understand being self-critical, it's one of my flaws, ironically. For myself, as I've gotten older, I've reached a place of self-acceptance about my looks. The attitude of "it is what it is." I'm a distance runner, so my body is in great shape. But I'm 54, can't look young forever! I do my best everyday to put my best self forward, both inside and out. But I've long ago stopped caring if others find me physically attractive. I'm a person who has value. I'm smart and kind. I have a good heart. If a guy doesn't like how I look - who cares - he can go find someone else.

I think you would be well served to accept yourself for all the wonderful things you are. I don't know you - so you'll have to make the list Finding this path isn't easy but it is possible.

All that said, I have two beautiful daughters and unfortunately they inherited my propensity toward acne. I have good insurance so we used Accutane and other Rx and it has greatly helped my girls. They are under control. I suffered a long time - finally outgrew it (at a late age!) but all this to say - I know firsthand, how having acne can damage self-esteem and lower self-confidence. If you have health insurance, Accutane is worth a try. It's hugely expensive without insurance, sadly.

One thing I shared with my daughters. It's your life. You get one chance. No one is perfect. Do you want to waste one moment of negativity because of your perception of how you look? Go out the door and live your life, approach the girl, go for the goals you want, go travel, live. Squeeze every moment out of your life. When you are moments away from your last breath, it won't matter one bit how you looked - not even once. The only things that matter are how we treat other beings, and how we choose to live the moments of our very short lives. I wish you well, you seem like a super nice person!

How do I change my views?

By getting a better understanding of how women work. Looks aren't nearly as important for women as it is for men. Most men in this world are good looking enough to attract most women. The difference maker is your personality/ability to seduce.

I don't know how to assess my shape, but I am not fat nor skinny. I have an average or above average height for my country and a healthy weight, I think. I have some self-confidence but looks is the thing I am alway worrying about when going out on a date. I am 30. I didn't understand your last question?

 

 

 

You look good looking enough to get a lot of women. Looks won't be what holds you back.

But talking to a female I want as a partner - that's another story. I become more concentrated like it's some kind of a test and I have to pass it.

It's not a contest or a competition. Your job is to create a situation where both of you end up winning. View her as your guest/partner rather than an obstacle.

I try to show myself in the best light possible while

You don't have to be all that amazing. Really, you just have to be 10% better than the average guy. The bar to reach is not that high.

I still don't like myself physically and project that onto women,

If you feel it, they'll feel it. Physically, you look fine.

I guess - I automatically assume they won't like me, too.

You don't have the experience to make this assumption. Instead of making predictions, how about you concentrate on gaining experience.

Here's a recent thread regarding a woman dealing with a guy with acne scars. They are in a relationship now.

You look just fine, bbogdanov. Your expression seems a little pensive, though. Relax and smile a little. Your looks are nothing to worry about.

She's not agreeing to go on a date with you -she's agreeing to a first meet. What I used to do was when I walked into a first meet or first date was to repeat positive affirmations to myself especially since I can get klutzy when I'm nervous. Good luck!

You look good looking enough to get a lot of women. Looks won't be what holds you back.

As much as I want to believe you, the reality is different I am only using OLD for now but out of hundreds messages I've sent, I got maybe 10 to 15 replies

She's not agreeing to go on a date with you -she's agreeing to a first meet. What I used to do was when I walked into a first meet or first date was to repeat positive affirmations to myself especially since I can get klutzy when I'm nervous. Good luck!

What's the difference? I am using "date" because that's the word I thought you, english speakers, use for such an event. In my language we use something that would be translated literally to "meeting" but I don't know if it's appropriate to say so.

As much as I want to believe you, the reality is different I am only using OLD for now but out of hundreds messages I've sent, I got maybe 10 to 15 replies

 

For someone just beginning online dating, that response rate is pretty good. You can get a better response rate with better pictures and better messages. Don't assume it's your "looks" that are giving you this response rate.

 

And so what if you got 10-15 responses for hundreds of messages? Why are you concentrating on the failures? The only thing that would matter to me is to follow up with the responses and see where they go. I could care less about the ones that didn't respond. Don't be so pessimistic.

As much as I want to believe you, the reality is different I am only using OLD for now but out of hundreds messages I've sent, I got maybe 10 to 15 replies

 

What does your initial message say?

 

If you're sending the same boilerplate message to every women, it's no wonder so many don't respond back.

 

It's not your looks, it's your personality and energy.

 

Get creative, read their profiles and write something specific to each of them.

 

Ask them a question, be light, funny, engaging, something that will elicit a chuckle and response back!

 

No disrespect, but the way you message and interact (even on this forum), well to be blunt it's sort of "meh." Boring, same ole same ole. Sorry, just my opinion of course.

 

It wouldn't matter if you won top model of the year, no woman wants a boring man who sends meh messages.

 

There is an art to it, learn it! When doing OLD it's a must! It's all over the Internet. Educate yourself about it.

 

Then tailor it to your own nature and personality.

 

Same for when you interact in real life. Become an interesting and exciting person.

 

A confident man, a risk taker, bold, fearless.

 

Women can sense your negative self-defeating energy and it's a turn off.

I am just politely introducing myself, like I would in real life.