Dreams and Nightmares*

Most of you will be familiar with the horrible dreams and nightmares associated with a breakup.

3 months ago I separated from my wife. It was her decision.

The separation anxiety has been brutal to say the least...!

Due to my previous experiences I managed to avoid the begging and pleading stage and just took my stuff and went.

The instant NC had the desired effect and she started contacting me within days...

Words were said like "I miss you. I'm lonely. Maybe we can go on some dates. Maybe we can work it out...etc"

This broke down my boundaries and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

So I've spent the last 3 months being there for her, supporting her, sleeping with her and going on these said dates.

I've never initiated contact. It's all come from her...

Great huh..? It's what we all want...

Not so fast....

All this has done is soothe her anxiety and helped her heal and slowly wean off me... I can feel and see her drifting away now.

So after a couple of events this week I feel there's not much more l can do and l have gone back to square one and told her (once again) to not contact me unless she changes her mind about us...

This finality and letting go of any remaining hope has triggered a fresh new grieving...and the dreams.

The last two nights I've had brutish nightmares about her rejecting me and waking up every few hours in sweats.

I've not had these intense dreams until now.

Now I have a degree in psychotherapy. I figure this is the brain processing that finality as it realizes, it's over.

I've said to her from the outset to not contact me unless it's about getting back together, but she has called my bluff and found a way through by saying those things above^

And I have enabled it by not being strong enough to back up my words with actions.

I need to find that strength now for my own wellbeing..!

I still struggle a bit by thinking that I SHOULD be able to just handle her coming around me at a casual pace...but I just can't.

Plus like I said, she's drifting now...

Keeping in mind it is her that does 100% of the contacting, am I just being impatient? Should I just be strong enough and nonchalant enough to let her continue coming to me at her own pace? Or has she indeed just done this to alleviate her own guilt and bad feelings about the breakup?

She has obviously wanted to keep my in her life in some capacity....

I'd love to be strong enough to continue on but I feel it's working against me now anyway...

So it's 4am now... Let's try sleeping again....>>

Caruzzzzz*

Caruzzzzz

My EX did the same....

She lingered around for months... And we even got back together for 3 more months...

This all was to help her cope better and have me around... It is to allow them to move on, but prevent you from moving on...It gives you false hope, while they are taking the time (using you selfishly) mulling it through... And then all of the sudden they are gone and boom, dating someone new, while you are asking yourself what just happened... And now you start from square one while they already are far into a new relationship.... Yup...been there done that... And stupid me to allow her to do exactly as yours was doing to you... I should have been done the first time, cold, distant and NC all the way... Finally now I got it right.... Those dreams will go away....

l have gone back to square one and told her (once again) to not contact me unless she changes her mind about us...

This is very generous.

Don't second guess yourself and don't fold either.

Keeping in mind it is her that does 100% of the contacting, am I just being impatient? Should I just be strong enough and nonchalant enough to let her continue coming to me at her own pace? Or has she indeed just done this to alleviate her own guilt and bad feelings about the breakup

hi darling .... you say it all right , you fathom it all out ..the do's and dont's , the reality , the truth , then right at the last hurdle disregard it all and say that ^^^^

why should you be strong enough to let her keep coming at her own pace ... have you morphed into * Mr strong heart * all of a sudden , who can take anything and everything ..who can let someone wean themselves away and then have the choice still to wander back ...no .. just no

I am sorry you having the dreams and you know it is a processing phase that will eventually end .

Not trying to make this about me , but two nights ago I dreamt Prince Harry had taken me out ...just sharing ..

Thankyou everyone. Mikey I'm so sorry you went through that also.

I don't think I dreamed about her after I made that last post but waking up is still the worst. My mind goes straight to her and I instantly check my phone to see if there's a msg or missed call...

God I can't wait for this to be over!!

I know the grieving process too well. Been through it way too many times ....and it just plain suck-diddlee-ucks...!

Still, at least now that she's pretty much gone and so is any hope, I can really get on the road to recovery.

On a psychological side, the brain cannot really start the healing process while still holding onto hope.

I don't drink or do drugs or meds. I eat well. I swim laps most days. I meditate and read lots. I do NOT watch the news or current affair programs (they diminish your intelligence and clutter your mind). And I've recently started giving public talks and lectures....but I'll still need some support over the coming weeks. I loved her deeply and this will take some time.

Unfortunately heartbreak is a little like bee stings. Each one compounds and builds on the previous ones...

Time for some muesli and a swim.

Love to you all.

Mr Strong Heart*

haha awww mr strong heart you are fabulous

This reminded me of a very dark time

waking up is still the worst. My mind goes straight to her and I instantly check my phone to see if there's a msg or missed call...

Especially if you have just dreamt of * them* ...the reality hits you in the face all over again and you re live that shocking wave of grief ...I really feel for you Carus and I am guilty of forgetting myself the darkness that something as simple as waking up can bring .

Like you say ..you know the grieving process , me too ... every dirty inch of it and by god if one of us could come up with a magic pill to fast forward us to a better place , we would be millionaires , because it is like no other pain .

I made the choice years ago to not watch the news , read the papers or follow things on social media ...I am too affected by it all .

We are all with you on your road to recovery my friend ..it hurts , we know , but you are not alone xx

Thanks Pip*

About to go to sleep now....See how we go tonight...lol

I'm going to remember that every day now that I wake up is a day closer*

xx

Unfortunately heartbreak is a little like bee stings. Each one compounds and builds on the previous ones...

 

Time for some muesli and a swim.

 

Love to you all.

Mr Strong Heart*

 

You are so insightful Carus.

I think you'll be just fine

 

I like the reference to bee stings. It occurred to me not too long ago that we shouldn't stay in bad relationships 5 min's longer than we do sometimes.

I visualized it like scarring of my heart. There are just some scars that don't heal and you end up taking them into your next relationship and it lessons your chances of success when it compounds on top of each other. Such a basic premise. . just wish I had thought of it sooner.

 

Head high!

Thanks Pip*

 

About to go to sleep now....See how we go tonight...lol

 

I'm going to remember that every day now that I wake up is a day closer*

 

xx

That's a good mantra to have ...may you have a peaceful sleep ... keep talking , keep posting x

( well not while you are asleep obviously

Thankyou everyone. Mikey I'm so sorry you went through that also.

 

I don't think I dreamed about her after I made that last post but waking up is still the worst. My mind goes straight to her and I instantly check my phone to see if there's a msg or missed call...

 

God I can't wait for this to be over!!

 

I know the grieving process too well. Been through it way too many times ....and it just plain suck-diddlee-ucks...!

 

Still, at least now that she's pretty much gone and so is any hope, I can really get on the road to recovery.

 

On a psychological side, the brain cannot really start the healing process while still holding onto hope.

 

I don't drink or do drugs or meds. I eat well. I swim laps most days. I meditate and read lots. I do NOT watch the news or current affair programs (they diminish your intelligence and clutter your mind). And I've recently started giving public talks and lectures....but I'll still need some support over the coming weeks. I loved her deeply and this will take some time.

 

Unfortunately heartbreak is a little like bee stings. Each one compounds and builds on the previous ones...

 

Time for some muesli and a swim.

 

Love to you all.

Mr Strong Heart*

 

I went to war several times in my life time.

I have seen it all... Brutality, murder, pain, hurt, blood, tears.... You name it...

When you go to war, and see things... Things that you never wish upon no one else, you become numb... You see things and you eventually accept that the world can be so cruel, that nations are capable of this behavior... Even when you are wounded... Nothing stings as hard as a broken heart...

There is no pain that I experienced in life, as painful as LOVE shattered into all the directions of the world....

For some reason, LOVE hurts the most... It can really mess with "YOU"...

I loved and will always love my EX...

But things happen for a reason...

Slowly we recover, let go, it all fades... We move on... We battle through it all and become stronger...

I rather go through the grueling process of military Air Crew school all over again, run miles a day until I can't move a muscle in my body again, I rather be dumped upside down in to a swimming pool with a blind visor over my face and no oxygen support again and again and again.... Do all this again than go through another broken heart, another good bye...

LOVE hurts... It really does...

Just looking in on your my darling , hope you got some decent sleep .

Thanks everyone,

I'm going about my day but my heart feels like it's literally bleeding and I can't stop damn thinking about her..! grrr

Mikey that is quite a story and yes, in my years in this field I've dealt with military guys, MI5, doctors, airline pilots et al..

They all have quite staunch jobs but when it comes to heartbreak, it crushes them.

One guy I knew had no problem marching into a hail of bullets but went into meltdown at the thought of having to see his ex..!

And on that note:

Well that was a monumental fk up!

I was standing with some work colleagues at the airport when my ex came through the gate!

My jaw kinda dropped and I felt the emotions drain out of me..

She was returning from seeing a girl friend of hers that lives in Bali where we use to go twice a year for holidays and adventures.

Running into an ex like this is extremely trying and I did my best to handle it best l could...but here's how it went:

She walked up to me. I held out my hand she grabbed my fingers. I moved her away from the group.

Her: I thought you might be here (l work at the airport). How are you.

Me: I'm ok. How was Bali? Did you have a good time?

Her (a little unenthusiastic): Yeh it was ok. Friend was working so I kinda hung out by myself.

She then reached up and started hugging me around the neck. She muffled something about 'I still love you' or something. I didn't really hear what she said.

Me: Did you think about me up there? (Doh!!)

Her: Yes of course.

Me: You going to get an Uber home?

Her: No. A friend is picking me up.

Me: A friend huh? What's his name? (Kill me now )

Her: Don't be like that. I got him a job so he owes me a favour. Anyway, I'm dying to get home.

Me: Ok bye.

=======================

So guys, I KNOW that was totally screwed up and I said a couple of needy things, and my heart was going 100 miles an hour, and now aches...

But all I can do is carry on...which I will....

Goddamit..!

Aw Carus! I am so sorry that you're still going through rough spots with all of this. What to tell you...Don't go around her? Block her? Focus on your own healing and stay away from her?

I think on some level you already know all of that, but putting it into practice is much tougher.

Stay strong, we are here for you.

Well C. My story is a bit more complicated. I divorced about 4 years ago. And after doing some on line dating and one short relationship, I finally ran into an awesome woman...We met on line, went on a date, the sparks were there between us and 2.5 years later it fell apart mostly due to her kids..I am no angel, so I am not saying that I was not responsible for my actions, and believe me, I stood up and took responsibility for my approach to the situation, but she never took the responsibility on her end....Well, long story short, I seriously thought that she was the one...Our first year was great, we made lots of plans together and it was so great that I seriously thought that it was too good to be true... At about 1.5 year mark, she and her 4 kids moved in with me and my kids...And despite the efforts that I made for us to be a family, her kids were very unaccepting of me and my kids...They just had no respect for me, my kids and my home...They loved my home, but wanted me and my kids to move out!...Yes...I have my ears in check, so I heard what I heard...To me that was a huge red flag...Its not as if her kids were young...I am talking teenagers....And that idea had to come from someone... Someone had to plant that in their heads...On top of that her kids were just rude to me...And although I raised that issue to her attention, she did nothing about it...Gave me excuses on top of excuses...And our relationship began to crumble...Eventually I asked her to move out...As much as I loved her, us living together was just toxic...And I had no choice but to have them move out... Thats when she lingered around for almost 8 more months...And I should have just ended it there...But I wanted her back.. We split for 3 months, but she came back...She claimed to still love me, she wanted to work on our relationship, she gave me all these reasons...And I fell for the trap...I let her back in...Silly as it may be, I already began healing and slowly moving on...And apparently she dated a few guys, but it wasn't working for her...She was too hung up on me...So the grass wasn't so much greener on the other side for her...So she tortured me for 3 more months...Selfish...And used me....Used me until someone else came along... And dropped me like a hot Potato... With weeks she was in a new relationship and I was left standing alone...And so my healing was reset.... 3 months have gone now of NC and I still hurt...She is still on my mind and I never received the closure... All I can do is take my time and heal...Move on...And hope that someone good will come into my life eventually...But yes...it stings..it hurts....

Thanyou. I know not to be around her anymore but today was unavoidable.

And why that had to happen in the 30 mins I was at the airport is beyond me...

But it happened and there would be a reason why it happened.

As painful as it is I also am wise enough and strong enough to just keep walking. The old me probably would have probed her more about this new guy and sent 10 txt msgs by now...

But I know not to and I won't..

Pains me a bit too that she's been still contacting me right up until 4 or 5 days ago when she flew out to Bali....when she asked me to drive her TO the airport and I said no...whilst obviously entertaining this new guy.

Boy, I know they're in the 'Honeymoon Stage' right now and it could work out for them, but if this is what's been going on I think that new guy has a bit of a tough road ahead..!

Especially if I stay gone and exist in her mind only...

Mikey this is not my first rodeo so please believe me when I say, we WILL heal from this. We WILL find someone else eventually.

As much I wish this would all be over by tomorrow, that just ain't gonna happen...

Be Patient. Be Strong.

Carus*

Woke up this morning. Cried for 5 hours straight..!! Gonna take the night off...

Just got this txt:

"Hey I have been talking with Adele and I know I need to give you the space you've been asking for and I'm sorry I haven't been good at doing that. So I'm not going to call you... but I just want to clear something up. I know Adele told you Rob picked me up from airport and I know that would have triggered something in you because you've had this thing about him. I just really want you to know that there is nothing happening with Rob, never has been and never will be. He just offered to pick me up because he owed me one for lining him up with a job. I just wanted you to know that because I remember the feeling of when your trigger person can make a story in your head, even if it's not true. And I'm also sorry that i asked if you wanted to take me to airport in Tuesday. It was insensitive of me. I was just being opportunistic because I thought you were probably heading there at that time anyway. So I'm sorry. Please take of you xx"

Mikey..?

oh carus your head is bouncing from one nightmare to another isn't it ....although you still manage to make me chuckle with your little bracket thoughts .

As you said . it isn't your first rodeo and you will get over it ...just that damn bit inbetween eh ...massive hugs , I hate to think of you sat crying for 5 hours xx

...I hate to think of you sat crying for 5 hours xx

Thanks Pip* - Yeh it's horrible when you just can't seem to make it stop....5 hours! How is that even possible..??

Anyway, I've taken the night off because, well, I still can't get it to stop....

A mutual friend told me today that my ex feels massive guilt over breaking us up, but is determined to seek her own path now.

I know the grieving takes as long as it takes, but I hope I can pull up by tomorrow. I can't afford too many days off....

Hope you are well* x

Thanks Pip* - Yeh it's horrible when you just can't seem to make it stop....5 hours! How is that even possible..??

 

Anyway, I've taken the night off because, well, I still can't get it to stop....

 

A mutual friend told me today that my ex feels massive guilt over breaking us up, but is determined to seek her own path now.

 

I know the grieving takes as long as it takes, but I hope I can pull up by tomorrow. I can't afford too many days off....

 

Hope you are well* x

Yes my darling , I am well thankyou . Thankfully for me I am over every emotion you talk of , it is 6 years for me now , I often think of mes and hope he has managed to jump over his hurdles as well ... I don't want you to be in pain , but your words have definitely reminded me of the absolute darkness that people feel when coming through the doors of Ena and to be a little gentler with my words when replying .

I am glad you have taken the night off and be kind to yourself as much as your finances can take anyway !! I have been in the position at work , running to the loo to cry , coming back , trying engage in what customers are saying and crying infront of them ..awful .

Did it make it anymore final in your head when you heard that off your mutual friend ...You do sound accepting to be fair and I imagine this horrible wave of tears is due to something getting settled in your mind . Better out then in ...that's what my good old mam would say x

Woke up this morning. Cried for 5 hours straight..!! Gonna take the night off...

 

Just got this txt:

 

"Hey I have been talking with Adele and I know I need to give you the space you've been asking for and I'm sorry I haven't been good at doing that. So I'm not going to call you... but I just want to clear something up. I know Adele told you Rob picked me up from airport and I know that would have triggered something in you because you've had this thing about him. I just really want you to know that there is nothing happening with Rob, never has been and never will be. He just offered to pick me up because he owed me one for lining him up with a job. I just wanted you to know that because I remember the feeling of when your trigger person can make a story in your head, even if it's not true. And I'm also sorry that i asked if you wanted to take me to airport in Tuesday. It was insensitive of me. I was just being opportunistic because I thought you were probably heading there at that time anyway. So I'm sorry. Please take of you xx"

 

Mikey..?

 

Hey C. Sorry I been busy bud...Well my opinion is that she is acknowledging her faults and seems that she is not being selfish but actually cares about ur feelings...Thats actually a good step...She is recognizing what she does that hurts you....My EX did not do that...She never took ownership of what she did wrong on her own....She blamed me for everything that went wrong...When she came back, it was about her, not me....Seems that your EX is in the care about you mode... And it seems that she still deeply loves you...By recognizing her faults and taking ownership of her screw ups, She is still saying I really do love you....My EX was selfish about her own agenda....Still C. I would take this lightly....As in be aware that it could be her way to hold on to you while she is searching... Maybe she tried a fling with this Rob, but its not panning out...So I would take an approach to this from a 10 thousand mile high view as we say in the military.... I am currently slowly working on something with a nice girl but I am taking that approach...Slow but steady.....

Hey C. Sorry I been busy bud...Well my opinion is that she is acknowledging her faults and seems that she is not being selfish but actually cares about ur feelings...Thats actually a good step...She is recognizing what she does that hurts you....My EX did not do that...She never took ownership of what she did wrong on her own....She blamed me for everything that went wrong...When she came back, it was about her, not me....Seems that your EX is in the care about you mode... And it seems that she still deeply loves you...By recognizing her faults and taking ownership of her screw ups, She is still saying I really do love you....My EX was selfish about her own agenda....Still C. I would take this lightly....As in be aware that it could be her way to hold on to you while she is searching... Maybe she tried a fling with this Rob, but its not panning out...So I would take an approach to this from a 10 thousand mile high view as we say in the military.... I am currently slowly working on something with a nice girl but I am taking that approach...Slow but steady.....

Again...Her recognizing her faults is a positive step forward....I have done a lot reading about this....1. When they do care, they do reach out....2. When they do care, they do recognize their faults....Unfortunately my EX was not like this....She never admitted willingly that her kids contributed heavily to our downfall...To my EX her kids were saints....Although she knew that it was the opposite, she did not have it in her to take ownership...I did admit my faults, and that is admirable to do... My EX was a coward, hiding the reality....Projecting on me....So I suggest you also own up to what you did wrong...At least you are letting her know that you are admitting to where you went wrong...Communication is big also to make it work....if you want it to work, but has to be a 2 way street....

hey carus, i am sorry u have to go through all these. and i don’t mean to be a wet blanket, but all these is too familiar to me too..

i had my ex assuring me the same thing too, that he was just a friend, how nothing is going on or will be.. and look what happened?

i am guessing that she is trying to lessen her guilt, trying to make u feel better and most importantly making her feel better. if she truly cared she wouldnt have hurt u this way..

i know the message from her will throw u off balance.. stay strong, every day u go through u will get stronger. cry all u must, take all the rest u need, do whatever that makes u feel better, or even don’t do anything at all... just get through minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day... and we will all heal. things will turn out well..

sending u positive vibes n energy! we are all here with u!

Thanks Joker* ~ It's truly soul destroying and crippling!

Thanks Mikey,

Yes, I didn't respond to that....Weaning off me is what I've enabled her to do for the last 3 months...

I thought I could be strong enough to just let her come and go at her own pace, but I just wasn't and I lost patience, and then lost the game....

My friend there is definitely so much love there between us....If you met us both separately we would both say nice things about each other to this day....

This is Hell for me...but I hold no malice towards her...

But I must step off the ledge now into the abyss for the sake of my mental health...I run my own business and if I falter, it goes under...I can NOT let that happen...

I've taken some Diazepam to try and stay asleep tonight....

Hopefully I'll be well enough to get to work tomorrow...

I HAVE to be....

Carus*

I see that everyone has their own story... I would stick to the gut feeling.... And go day by day, see what happens...Keep us posted C.

I had what I'm gonna call a nightmare last night and it caused me to break NC and look at her social media. There was nothing on there but I'm more angry at myself, I was doing so well. I dreamed that a game of thrones musical was being made and my ex invited my friends ex to it and it scared me. I find it crazy how my own brain invented a situation that made me feel bad.

Carus I can sympathise with how you feel. I flip flop with my good and bad days. Hope you get through it best you can.