Trying to get long distance ex girlfriend back

So around last month my long distance ex girlfriend of 3 years(going to 4) broke up with me and her reason was that she needs space, wants to focus on herself, has too much stuff to handle, lost the spark in our relationship, felt that shes done a lot of mistakes, and said it's been too long to be in LDR. Now I have told her countless times that she should move in with me since I got a place to live, stable job, and can't move due to school since I'm only a semester away from graduating but never accepted my request since she was worried that her parents would say no on moving in with me and shes 21. Now this is where i believe i went wrong. I texted her 24/7, we Skype ever night, I would text her at work even though I didn't have much to say and it was only to check up on her, moved in with a female coworker to avoid student housing, and would doubt her when ever she went out with her friends(yes i know stupid thing to do) So basically she saw me as being clingy, selfish, didn't have any trust on her, and wasn't confident. Now after she broke up I asked her if she wants me and she told me that she still had feelings and saw me in her future but needs her space and doesn't want to be in a relationship but she wanted to be friends for now so I agreed (big mistake) Every once in a while I would lay my feelings on her and begged her to come back to me and she would refuse and after a week or so I asked her again how she felt about me and she told me that shes slowly moving on (I guess this is what all the begging and crying to her did) but she kept telling me that we could still be friends. At this time she still had all the love letters I gave her, promise rings, pictures, and jewelry I gave her. She doesn't wear her promise ring but she wears a bracelet i got for her and she still had our couple pictures hanging on her wall but i'm not sure if she still does now. Now I started to do the no contact rule and I would fail as one day passed but I got to the point where i went three days while i was trying to work on myself and see where i went wrong and then she sent me a snap of a poem she wrote. It went along the lines that she was thanking me for everything I did for her but at the end she put "Thanks for leaving me, it was unconditional" Which reopened my wound and again went back to begging her to come back to me (yes I know i fell for her trap) and again she said we could be friends but told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship and that i should try to move on and that eventually she will stop talking to me. After she said that I told her that we can't be friends and deleted her and her family from everything. Eventually she contacts me and I ignore it then her friend contacts me and I told her that its not her business to know since i didnt wanted for her to get involved in our problem. So eventually I told her that why does she care on having me as a friend. I wasn't trying to be mean or anything it was a legitimate question since she was the one who broke up with me and is trying to push me away from her life and when i tried playing the friend part she would give me vague answers and tell me "im not obligated to tell you anymore". Eventually her mom found out that I unfriended her and she was crying and making a big deal out of it (Her family loves me a lot and would always ask her how i was every so often even after the break up) and my ex lashed out on me saying that im causing drama and what not which was not my intention at all I just wanted to start no contact and damage control the whole break up but she started going off on me when i told her that I'm just following her advice and trying to move on she got more upset and told me to throw out her stuff(her love letters and what not). After that I just ignored all of her texts because I know it was pointless and wasn't going to look good on me. Later that night she texted me saying if i was okay and also asked on why we can't be friends anymore but eventually she apologized and said that she didnt wanted to lose me as a friend but that she isnt going to contact me anymore and is going to send some stuff that I gave her but idk what its gonna be other than a smart watch i lent her for the pedometer feature and an amazon tap that she was gonna give back since she got a better wireless speaker. Didn't reply to this but the IM were using tells her that I saw it. Now I know I will get flack for this but I want her back, I know that the no contact is to help me move on but I know that she is confused and isn't sure about her decision because she keeps giving out mixed signals through text and social media, hell she would bring up old memories of us and would show me pictures of us together after the break up and still had them in her phone. I'm planning on doing a 30 day no contact in hopes on getting back with her because she isn't sure on what she wants because I can tell and she isn't using this time to address her feelings and is using distractions to get by(she even said it herself). This is my 3rd day of no contact but I'm just wondering if I was too upfront with the whole "Im going to try to move on" even though I want to get her back and that I'm going to contact her after NC even though she is the one who should contact me. I know that this shouldn't be a bluff and that I should/will use this time to heal and better myself to show her that I'm worthy but I invested my whole time to her and she is a very good person. I'm just worried that I ruined my chances with her by telling her that. My birthday is coming up so maybe she might break there but I'm not going to reply to her since its during my NC but I'm not going to bank on it nor will i expect it to happen.

No offence, but I don't know how you're one semester away from graduating if you can't use punctuation and paragraphs.

I could not read more than the first 8-10 lines, but I'll say this much: If she asks for space, respect the break up and give her space

If you want to repost this in the replies here with punctuation and paragraphs, you'll get more responses

Never mind, I eventually made my way through the post.

I tend to think that ignoring someone in order to get them to come back to you is manipulative. I would personally tell her next time she contacts you that friendship isn't an option because you have feelings for her and you want to be with her and work out whatever issues were going on when you were together. Tell her you will be there for her when she's ready but that you don't think it's fair for her to lean on you until that time. Ask her to contact you when she's in a place where she is ready to be with you because you don't see the point in keeping up the charades as you know exactly what you want with her and that you're not willing to accept less.

After that, I would respond to her if she contacts, but only very brief, short messages that maintain your original attitude of wanting to be with her and that you won't be her friend to soften the blow. I think it's important to remain warm but firm

And meanwhile, use the space to better yourself and your life

Thanks for replying and my bad on the structure of my post.

But yeah I see that this is manipulative but I have asked around and everyone tells me to go NC, like I know this is the only way for me to I guess break away from being friends with her.

She has told me she isn't going to date anymore until she fixes herself and feels that I can find someone better than her when in reality I want her. You could say I got overly attached to her which is true and wanted to use this NC time to give her some breathing room and to break my obsession with her. Though I'm not sure shes is ever going to contact me because she told me that "this will be her last time you will hear from me" on the last text she sent me. Should I just break NC then and tell her what you told me or just stick to no contact and then tell her that?

So around last month my long distance ex girlfriend of 3 years, going to 4, broke up with me and her reason was that she needs space, wants to focus on herself, has too much stuff to handle, lost the spark in our relationship, felt that shes done a lot of mistakes, and said it's been too long to be in LDR.

Now I have told her countless times that she should move in with me since I got a place to live, stable job, and can't move due to school since I'm only a semester away from graduating. She never accepted my request since she was worried that her parents would say no on moving in with me even though she is 21 now.

Now this is where I believe I went wrong. I would text her everyday, we Skype ever night, I would text her at work only to check up on her, moved in with a female coworker to avoid student housing, and didn't trust her when she would go out with friends. So basically she saw me as being clingy, selfish, didn't trust her, had no self confidence, and was too nice to her.

Now after she broke up I asked her if she still wants me and told me that she still had feelings for me. She saw me in her future but needs her space and doesn't want to be in a relationship but she wanted to be friends for now so I agreed. Every once in a while I would lay my feelings on her and begged her to come back to me and she would refuse. After a week or so I asked her again how she felt about me and she told me that shes slowly moving on (I guess this is what all the begging and crying to her did) but she kept telling me that we could still be friends.

At this time she still had all the love letters I gave her, promise rings, pictures, and jewelry I gave her. She doesn't wear her promise ring but she wears a bracelet i got for her and she still had our couple pictures hanging on her wall but i'm not sure if she still does now. Now I started to do the no contact rule to give her space. I would fail as one day passed but I got to the point where i went three days so I can try to work on myself and see where I went wrong.Then she sent me a snap of a poem she wrote.

It went along the lines that she was thanking me for everything I did for her but at the end she put "Thanks for leaving me, it was unconditional" Which reopened my wound and again went back to begging her to come back to me, which made me look bad. Again she said we could be friends but told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship and that I should try to move on and that eventually she will stop talking to me.

After she said that I told her that we can't be friends and deleted her and her family from everything. Eventually she contacts me and I ignore it. Then her friend contacts me and I told her that its not her business to know, since I didnt wanted for her to get involved in our problem. So eventually I asked her on why does she care on having me as a friend. I wasn't trying to be mean or anything it was a legitimate question. She was the one who broke up with me and is trying to push me away from her life. When I tried playing the friend part she would give me vague answers and tell me "I am not obligated to tell you anymore".

Eventually her mom found out that I unfriended her and she was crying and making a big deal out of it, forgot to mention that her family loves me way too much and they know about our break up which they're not happy that it happend. My ex then lashed out on me saying that im causing drama and what not which was not my intention at all. I just wanted to start no contact and damage control the whole break up because I was coming off as to needy and clingy on wanting her back. Then I told her that I'm just following her advice and trying to move on she got more upset and told me to throw out her stuff(her love letters and what not).

After that I just ignored all of her texts because I know it was pointless on trying to calm her down and would probably ruin my chances on getting her back because every move I made so far has been pushing her away. Later that night she texted me saying if i was okay and also asked on why we can't be friends anymore but eventually she apologized. She said that she didnt wanted to lose me as a friend but that she isnt going to contact me anymore. She is going to send some stuff that I gave her but I'm not sure what its gonna be other than a smart watch I lent her for the pedometer feature and an amazon tap that she was gonna give back since she got a better wireless speaker.

I Didn't reply to this but the IM were using tells her that I saw it. Now I know I will get flack for this but I want her back, I know that the no contact is to help me move on. I know that she is confused and isn't sure about her decision because she keeps giving out mixed signals through text and social media. Hell she would bring up old memories of us and would show me pictures of us together after the break up and she still had them in her phone. I'm planning on doing a 30 day no contact in hopes on getting back with her. She isn't sure on what she wants because I can tell and she isn't using this time to address her feelings and is using distractions to get by(she even said it herself). This is my 3rd day of no contact but I'm just wondering if I was too upfront with the whole "Im going to try to move on" even though I want to get her back and that I'm going to contact her after NC even though she is the one who should contact me. I know that this shouldn't be a bluff and that I should/will use this time to heal and better myself to show her that I'm worthy. I invested my whole time to her and she is a very good person. I'm just worried that I ruined my chances with her by telling her that. My birthday is coming up so maybe she might break there but I'm not going to reply to her since its during my NC but I'm not going to bank on it nor will i expect it to happen.

During the late teens and early to late twenties, people usually have many dating experiences before eventually settling down. It's actually a good thing, to find out what you want versus what you don't want in a potential lifetime partner. You don't even really know yourself well enough in your late teens to early twenties, so how would you know enough to wisely choose a long term partner?

From this experience, you should have learned that not having a life full of hobbies/interests and friendships outside of a romance is smothering to a partner. If you can't trust that a partner will be faithful, then don't be with her or work on your own toxic thoughts and behavior if you haven't been given concrete evidence of cheating.

A person who truly loves you will pull out all of the stops to fix things in a relationship instead of running away. She chose to end things. You need to respect that decision, as she either lost or never had love for you, or she cares but isn't willing to give you a chance to improve since she suspects you won't.

For closure, you will need to go no contact and remove hope for reconciliation. Concentrate on finishing your education, and don't get into any new relationships until you've given yourself a year to mourn this relationship and to work on yourself so that you're a better partner to someone in the future. I'd recommend a local woman next time. Local dating is a better option as you can operate at a normal pace and find out sooner if you're compatible or not. Good luck.

Thanks Adrina, I was trying to work on my insecurities and give her more space but it was too late since I barely started doing that two month ago. With all the stresses from school and work I only had her to vent on.

It is a lesson I have learned and take full resposibililty for my actions and will try to make myself better. I guess wanting to get back with her isn't a good option then?

If a person let's you go once, it's highly likely the pattern would repeat itself. I've always chosen to risk my heart on someone new versus reverting to the past.

I can help you out in this situation, but first I have a question. What do you want from her at this point? You need to think about it and say exactly what you want.

I want for her to figure herself out, to be independent, I want for her to be happy. But I also want to continue making memories with her, make her happy, and build a famliy later on. I was going to take our relationship to the next step since we have been dating for so long.

Okay I texted her today telling her the things I did wrong and that no one should be doing that to her and she opened up to me telling me she was selfish in her own way and that she made mistakes also. Now I didn't mention anything about getting back together we just agreed that we should just work on ourselfs to become better. Now that i establish that. Should I go no contact again? We are going to use this time to give each other space and time to work on ourselfs.

Okay I texted her today telling her the things I did wrong and that no one should be doing that to her and she opened up to me telling me she was selfish in her own way and that she made mistakes also. Now I didn't mention anything about getting back together we just agreed that we should just work on ourselfs to become better. Now that i establish that. Should I go no contact again? We are going to use this time to give each other space and time to work on ourselfs.

Yes, go no contact

You have left things on a positive/hopeful note and you both need the time apart

But also, as mentioned, I would not intentionally ignore her for the sake of winning her back. She might get hurt by that and not forgive you

Yes, go no contact

You have left things on a positive/hopeful note and you both need the time apart

But also, as mentioned, I would not intentionally ignore her for the sake of winning her back. She might get hurt by that and not forgive you

Okay so I would only talk to her when she initiates contact with me then and tries to have a conversation? And if she ever asks about us being friends now should I tell her that we can't be friends or would there be a better way of saying it?

Double post

Okay so I would only talk to her when she initiates contact with me then and tries to have a conversation? And if she ever asks about us being friends now should I tell her that we can't be friends or would there be a better way of saying it?

I would think it's acceptable to carry on a conversation very lightly and for a few messages only, and then stop replying if you need to in order to assert your position. She knows you want to be with her, yes? Sounds like you've made it clear.

She will either get bored of messaging you if you don't play into the conversation, in which case you can go full NC for a while... or she will wonder why you're not giving her attention and will chase you for the attention she's missing. If she does that, then you tell her friendship isn't the answer because you want to be with her.

I feel this is better than flat out ignoring her, which would be blunt rejection and some people don't handle that well

Okay so I think i pushed my contact with her too much. I talked to her for a bit through text and told her that if she wanted to she could add me back on social media and she replied with "Ain't you trying to move on?" I steered away from answering her question by telling her that I did good on a test I was seriously worried about. She added me back on snap chat in less than 30 minutes but not anywhere else. I didn't attempt to add her anywhere else and didn't mentioned it anymore.

So the next day she started posting selfies of her, more than she usually did when she was with me, to the point that I felt she was just asking for attention. I just saw them but didn't try to flirt or compliment. That same day she sent me a friend request on Facebook but I didn't accept it cause I was going to wait and I was tired from work. When I try to check the request she deleted it and I didn't ask her about it. I kept NC until I saw that she had an interview and I just wished her good luck on snapchat and that was it. Later she sent me a message on snapchat on how her interview went and told me that she put me as a reference because "I was the first person that come to her mind". I didn't reply to her because I didn't like that fact that she told me she wanted to be independent from me yet she is contradicting herself. Also I felt like this was some type of bread crumb? I just deleted her right now and I know she might bring it up when she finds out to which I don't know how to respond since I don't want to cause an argument.

Also I want to add that when we were together I spoiled her way too much and treated her like a queen. When she needed something I got it for her no questions asked. Also I was way to nice to her because I kept calm during arguments and wouldn't get mad because I know she has a short temper. I didn't wanted to escalate stuff so I would always apologize to her. Could it be she lost respect for me on top of other things that I did wrong? I read that girls tend to lose respect for their partners when they let them lead in the relationship.

You are all over the place here. You need a period of nc so you can collect yourself, but you don't seem to have enough self control to do that. You tell her she can add you on social media, then you delete her...she adds you on FB but you were going to wait because you were too tired to touch the screen and hit accept (games). She put you down as a reference so she could get a job, now you are upset about that and ignoring her. But...you accepted her offer of friendship. Make up your mind what you can really handle here. I don't see anything that would indicate she is trying to get back together, she seems pretty disconnected to me. So, if you are going to be her friend, then be her friend. If you cannot handle that she isn't going to treat you like a lover anymore you need to back away altogether.

Yes, some women like a man to lead. It does appear as though you let her walk all over you. You can be nice without being a doormat. You can be nice but still assert yourself when necessary. You can be nice and not let someone have their way all the time. You can be nice and not roll over and apologize every single fight just to appease her.

She sounds kind of bratty anyway. If you would take a moment of silence you might find you are better off without her. How old are you?

I'm 23. Yes my emotions have been taking over me but I feel better now. I just made sure that I had our lines of communication open because she took my "I'm going to move on text" seriously. Which I told her that I'm still interested in her but didn't push any further. This was done last week and she replied to me with "I'm not sure". She said she cares still cares about me which doesn't mean much on my chances on getting back together. Now I've been letting her initiate contact with me and she would try to keep the conversation going to which I would only give her direct answers and leave out details. While she was texting me she said that at her work some cats reminded her of me because I like cats. I'm not sure if she was bread crumbing me but I avoided her text and steered the conversations to the cats. Then on my birthday she wished me a happy birthday right at 12:00 am. She was pretty lively about it and told me that if she had money she would get me a gift. I gave her my thanks and told her not to worry about the gift but she didn't tell me she wasn't going to get me one. Then she proceeded to ask me about what I'm going to do and mentioned a dirty joke we used to tell each other on our birthdays but she backed off on texting it. Which I played dumb on on what she was going to say.

Yes she is pretty bratty but that is just how she is and I accepted her being like that. Now recently since I added her back on Snap, she has been asking for a lot of attention. She was never like that before I was with her or while I was with her. She would now be saying that she is bored, needs someone to talk to, ect. Also she is posting stories of her with her friends acting all happy and what not. I mean I'm glad that she is having a good time but I have a feeling that she is hiding her true emotions. Its just a gut feeling that I have. Could it be she is trying to get a reaction out of me or testing me? I don't give her any attention and would only talk to her when she texts me directly.

Now she uses Twitter as a venting area since none of her friends use it anymore. I would check it every once in a while and I would see her tweeting or retweeting stuff that reflect her feelings/frustrations. For the most part she is sharing stuff that deal with relationships or emotions towards a person. It flip flops a lot between caring about someone and trying to make things work to I don't care its not going to work out. Yeah she could just be sharing stuff because she likes it but she is a very indirect person and expresses herself like that. She wouldn't say stuff to you directly. She would drop hints which you would have to pick up on. She would bottle things up or try to suppress her feelings. I know, she if very complicated.

Stop looking at her twitter. It is going to do you no good trying to read into what she is saying.

I looked at my exs twitter for nearly two months. She went from making it private, back to public, back to private then public again. I read that it was because of me when in reality it had nothing to do with me.

I have not looked at it in over a month and feel all the better for it.

I also question why you accept her being bratty but the flaws you may have she could not handle.

I would also argue that if you think it is breadcrumbs then it is. Keeping you on the line. Go propper NC, no social media, no messages and no running into her on purpose.

You can still try and get her back but only when you have moved on and you will keep your sanity if you dont end up with her.

Okay I've been on no contact for 4 going to 5 days and right now she texted me how she felt.

"Hey, I know this is so random idk lol I kinda wanted to tell you how I've been feeling lately. I'm still focusing on myself. Well trying to. But at times its kinda hard you know? Sometimes I feel like I'll just figure it out. My job is pretty cool but I'm still nervous. I know I'll get used to it eventually.. hopefully lol. Uhh exams are coming up. I have my exit exam tomorrow. Kinda scared. But I'll keep my head up. Just want to graduate.

But yeah at times I catch myself reminiscing about some memories about us. Like around this time I'd visit you or whatever. lol. I do miss those good moments we had together. But I think you and me got too clingy with each other and that might of driven us apart. Well that's what I think. idk if you think that way too. Anyways enough of me. Thats really all I have to say. Well actually, at times I feel like I should just leave you alone for good. But at the same time, idk.

She followed up with it's just complicated and told me I dont have to reply back. She told me that she's trying to be open with her feelings, which is true because she has a hard time of opening up. So what do you guys think? Should I reply? I know that our clingy behavior can be worked on. Yes I'm aware that she is not clear on re-consolidating but I guess its a start?

This is what I was thinking of replying back: " Thanks for opening up to me. I have been focusing on myself too. I know that it can be difficult but it's something we all go through. Who isn't stressed about finals? lol you will do good trust me. I also remember all the good times we had together. Yes I feel the same way because we did get way too clingy towards each other. If you want to work things out, we can but we both need to put in effort on fixing our issues. But if you don't want to get back together then its best if you leave me alone for good."

This is what I had in mind but I'm open to suggestions or keeping nc implemented.