suspicious of my boyfriend and his friend

my bf is at uni, and he has a group of friends.

there is this one girl who is very attractive, she has big boobs etc.

he says that they are good mates, and keep emphasising the fact he only sees her at a mate.

he will however like her instagram pictures of her in dresses or low-cut tops and when i'll notice and get annoyed he will say he's just being a friend and he would like his male friends pictures.

he also says that they don't flirt, which i do believe because whenever I've seen their messages etc. they literally talk just how my boyfriend would talk to his sister or male friends.

and also, he tells me they don't talk outside of uni, and whenever she would message him it would be to ask about uni work etc.

however, i'm starting to get more and more jealous because on social media she will always comment and like his stuff, and they talk a lot whilst at uni in the day.

a couple of weeks ago he posted something on instagram and she commented (she wasn't flirting), and i got upset etc. and i was saying harsh things about her via. text and then i noticed that she blocked me on instagram because apparently she read our conversation. this annoyed me because i never read my bf's conversation as i think its rude etc. but the fact that i don't even know this girl hardly and she thinks its ok to read mine and his conversation whilst I'm upset etc?!.

alongside that, he told me he would distance himself from her (i asked him to do that), but she keeps on commenting on his social media and its annoying me. also, he tells me they talk a lot because they're in the same friendship group... so clearly he isn't distancing himself.

i noticed this morning that she blocked me on twitter and i don't even use twitter!!? (I made an account a few years ago but never posted anything). i then got suspicious and looked at both her and my bf's twitter and i noticed she would comment on his stuff (just like how his male friends would, in a jokey way), but it just made me mad that she is blocking me for no reason?! (he does very rarely comment on her stuff, its 90% her interacting with him).

i only look at her social media if he's liked her photos, but she classes it as 'stalking' her... but her social media is all unprivate so anyone could type her name in and look at her photos...

i wouldn't be half as upset etc. if she didn't block me, it just weirds me out. it makes me feel like they're hiding something, even though i know they're not.

she also is going on dates with this other guy, but i just can't shake off the fact that she may like my bf and it really annoys me every time he goes to uni i know they will talk and be around each other and i feel so jealous.

he's told me time and time again that she's not his type as she's too extroverted, she goes out partying a lot, she isn't as emotional as me and my bf are (e.g. we call each other cute names like baby etc. and she thinks its cringy). and he keeps saying that she's a good lad mate, and she is funny but is not girlfriend material. but i still worry like hell that she likes him.

what do i do?! i keep talking to my bf about this and we just keep going around in circles because he knows i don't like her, yet i know that he can't stop being her mate just because of me, and nor would i want them to stop talking because of me.

The minute you start policing friends you’re basically done. You either trust your boyfriend or you don’t. She can like him if she wants. If you boyfriend is trustworthy it won’t matter.

She can block you if she likes.

if this was you in my situation would you trust him?

If you don’t trust him break up.

My husband has all kinds of female friends and acquaintances. I don’t care. We went to university long before the age of internet . He could have been doing anything anywhere with anyone all under the watchful eye of no one.

At some point you trust someone or you don’t .

that’s true. i’m just worried that if i trust him then it’ll all go wrong and he’ll leave me for her and then i’d have been stupid for trusting him.

Well, continuously nagging him about his friend won’t keep him around either.

that’s true.

do you think from reading what i wrote that i have anything to worry about?

If he is not being flirtatious with her then I doubt you have anything to worry about.

If he is not being flirtatious with her then I doubt you have anything to worry about.

ok thank you.

i think she is doing these things to annoy me because she knows i don’t like her, should i just ignore it in hopes that she stops when she realises i won’t react?

Reacting and nagging will annoy HIM. So why do it? Don’t act like his mom. Right? You are his partner not his mother . Don’t even worry about her .

While I agree that he was out of line to show his texts between you and him to her, you were out of line to tell him who he can or cannot be friends with. She is not doing anything wrong or crossing any boundaries.

Using your situation, I was once the other woman (friend) of a guy friend and he had a VERY insecure girlfriend who made him cut contact with ALL female friends. It backfired when she asked him to cut me. He was the best man for my wedding. Needless to say their relationship was over and we are still very good friends to this day.

While I agree that he was out of line to show his texts between you and him to her, you were out of line to tell him who he can or cannot be friends with. She is not doing anything wrong or crossing any boundaries.

 

Using your situation, I was once the other woman (friend) of a guy friend and he had a VERY insecure girlfriend who made him cut contact with ALL female friends. It backfired when she asked him to cut me. He was the best man for my wedding. Needless to say their relationship was over and we are still very good friends to this day.

that story has really made me think about my actions. thank you!

i just don’t know how to rein my jealous in.

I was a pretty jealous and insecure person at your age.....and thankfully with time and experience ai grew out of it.

The thing is....no matter how jealous or insecure you are, it won't stop someone from doing what they want to do....ie, cheating, flirting....etc. in fact it almost guarantees that they wil. Picture holding some sand in the Palm of your hand. When you hold it completely open without squeezing it...it stays right there. The minute you squeeze it tight it slips right through your fingers. That's the same with people....always give people their freedom, the way you would want it.

As for HOW to reign in your jealousy...you just get your own life and your own set of friends, and make sure your life doesn't revolve around your partner. My hope is that this is just a learning experience for you, and that Ike me, you'll grow out of it.

I was a pretty jealous and insecure person at your age.....and thankfully with time and experience ai grew out of it.

The thing is....no matter how jealous or insecure you are, it won't stop someone from doing what they want to do....ie, cheating, flirting....etc. in fact it almost guarantees that they wil. Picture holding some sand in the Palm of your hand. When you hold it completely open without squeezing it...it stays right there. The minute you squeeze it tight it slips right through your fingers. That's the same with people....always give people their freedom, the way you would want it.

 

As for HOW to reign in your jealousy...you just get your own life and your own set of friends, and make sure your life doesn't revolve around your partner. My hope is that this is just a learning experience for you, and that Ike me, you'll grow out of it.

that is so true, i can never control this situation so if my boyfriend was going to cheat etc or like her, then i can’t do anything about it!

i have recently made new friends due to going to University and i’m going out with them and having a good time outside my boyfriend which is starting to help.

He's told me time and time again that she's not his type as she's too extroverted, she goes out partying a lot, she isn't as emotional as me and my bf are (e.g. we call each other cute names like baby etc. and she thinks its cringy). and he keeps saying that she's a good lad mate, and she is funny but is not girlfriend material.

I've known girls like this who are very popular with guys as 'good lad mates', and that's all there is to it, AND she's seeing another guy. Your guy has been very clear with you, both in words and actions, what he wants from a relationship - and it ISN'T her!

She didn't block you for no reason; she blocked you because you were saying harsh things about her despite not even knowing her. I mean, do you blame her?

Honestly, I don't think you've got anything to worry about. But if you keep up this kind of unfounded jealous behaviour, you're likely to bring about the exact thing you're trying to prevent. It gets really, really tedious when a boyfriend/girlfriend keeps being jealous of someone you only see as a friend.