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Need some different perspectives....Please don't overlook


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First post here. Just need some advice and to vent, as I am struggling. Me and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up exactly a week ago. Important things to note, this was my longest most serious relationship. I am 26 years old. Had one other serious relationship prior, just 8 months right after college, but ended with him cheating on me. Which completely devastated me. Gave me trust issues majorly. I broke things off with that guy immediately as I have a zero tolerance for cheating. Took me about 4 or 5 months to truly get over that.

 

Anyways with my most recent relationship, I was broken up with. I wasn't blindsided or anything as things have been rocky the last year since I moved back to my hometown. I was living about an hour away in Biloxi for 2 years and the first year and a half of our relationship. Everything was great between us literally until I moved home (Daphne, AL). Not for him, I had a job change. But that was a plus. I was so very unhappy when I moved home, as most of my friends all lived other places and were moved away. Its a smaller town. Same places to go over and over. He has known how unhappy I have been and it has taken a toll on our relationship. It's like we could truly never move forward.

 

Well, I got an opportunity to move to Nashville and I chose to do it. Obviously after discussing it with him, it was a rough month of October trying to work through that. As he was very upset but could not hold me back. As far as I know, he is content with living at home, small town boy, never really got out much or seen many places. I am complete opposite. Well, I know things have been rocky but my love for him is so strong. I wanted to make it work when I moved. Which wont be for 2 1/2 more months. He was iffy on what he wanted to do. He's apparently done long distance before and said it was really hard. We met up a 2 weeks ago, and I gave him my decision to work it out. And stay together. HE was still unsure. Finally I waited a week and pushed him for an answer as I was sitting in Limbo and it was miserable not knowing what we were doing.

 

 

He ultimately decided to end it, which I was actually very surprised. He said he couldn't see himself in Nashville (I guess like ever), and just felt I wouldn't grow as a person if I have back home holding me back. He said he didn't feel part of my journey, even though I had already looked up plane tickets and offered to buy them once a month for him to come visit me. I asked him what more was I supposed to do. I told him that he must not care for me enough if hes going to let me go like that and not at least try and make it work. That's how I felt. He said he cares for me too much and thats why he's doing this, as a favor for me. But I know he loves me so very deeply I just cant understand why he would let me go without at least trying to make it work. I mean I know hes probably scared. 2 hours into the break up conversation he almost tried to change his decision to break up with me...but I told him he needed to see it through, that he came here to make that decision for a reason and he needed to stick to it. Also, as I was crying I told him that he doesn't need to come back around and toy with my heart. And he said he wouldn't do that, that it wouldn't be fair to me. And that if he regretted this he would just live with it. Also I know he can't just up and move to nashville with his job, I have a remote job so I can work from home. But I was hoping that he would come visit and fall in love with the place and maybe look at jobs around the area, as there are more opportunities in big cities.

 

And here's the thing, I know how he is. I know he will respect that wish and I will likely not hear from him. And it's tearing me up inside now that I said that. I am having regrets I know it's only been a week. I am just guilting myself. Even though I didn't break up with him. I just know that if he came back around as much as I wanted to, any progress i made moving on would put me at square one. And that's why I told him not to come back around....

 

I am just having really hard time with this. Haven't heard from him and really don't think I ever will. As I don't plan on reaching out to him. I wouldn't even know what to say at this point. I guess I just have to accept that we want different things in life right now. I just am so upset that I could see it could work down the road and he couldn't. Upset that he's just going to let me go like that. Breaks my heart. I know he loved me very much. He had one other serious relationship before me and he said he thought he knew what love was until he met me. Then why would he let me go. I didn't think by making the move to better myself as a person would end my relationship.

 

Can someone tell me when this will get easier? I haven't full accepted that its over, as I hope to get a text, or maybe walk out to my car and find a card (He would sometimes leave me cards in my car). Or a letter in the mail box. But then I remember I told him not to come back around...Ugh. When will I get into this acceptance phase? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?? If so please explain. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Also, I will be happy to answer anyone questions.

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Of course people have been in your shoes and it's though....and it does get better with time. You are lucky that you are moving soon. The change will help you a ton as you'll be happier, meeting new people, etc.

 

As for this guy, sure you love each other, but as you are learning, love is not enough. Compatibility in terms of lifestyle is critical. You are a city girl, he is a small town guy. Neither one of you is wrong, but he won't be happy where you are and you can't be happy where he is. In this situation, one or the other would have to sign up for a lifetime of personal misery and resentment in order to maintain the relationship and then it wouldn't be a happy relationship, ever. You can't want him to change just like you can't change either. You need to go live where you are happy and feel alive, and he needs to stay where he is happy.

 

All I can tell you is that in the future, before you get seriously involved with a guy, pay very careful attention to lifestyle. Make sure you two actually match and don't expect change. Can you be happy together as is, is the critical question to ask early on. If the answer is no, move on before it gets this hard to part ways. Either way, no matter how much this parting hurts, I think you are making the right decision. Hugs.

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It's all to recent for you to not be hurt over this. Only time helps.

I know you feel guilty, he is probably just respecting your wish for not being in contact.

I doubt it's a loss or lack of love for you. Not trying to hold you back is showing love.

He genuinely wants you to be happy.

 

You are young and you want different than he does. And that's fine. You have to pursue your dreams.

But your dreams aren't his dreams. He is content to stay, you've been unhappy.

You are given wings to fly. You chose to use them. He's not.

 

You shouldn't leave without a proper goodbye. You will regret it.

In time he might agree to go visit you, in which he might decide he likes it there.

This isn't necessarily the end. It may be the start of a new beginning for the distant, not near future.

 

 

You said it's been rocky for a year. This time apart may be what is needed to have a fresh start.

You can't be happy in a relationship if you're not happy. Is that what contributed to the problems?

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If this helps, think that you were just not meant for each others. That your plans are different from his. And think it was not your fault or his, it was just not meant to be. It will be hard for a couple of weeks, and NC does really help.

 

As a man dumpee, I am now 5 weeks into the healing process. I asked for a proper goodbye, and worked well for me. It made me happy, I got closure and my "happy ending". I saw her one last time, and I spent our time together just giving her all the love I had left in my heart, for those last couple of hours. I felt liberated.

 

(Then she ruined everything the day after, but that's another story)

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Here were your choices. You could have stayed with him, in the small town - but you would have always regretted it, and perhaps blamed him for it. He was wise enough to know his limitations - and rather than manipulate you, he was honest with you - and broke up with you. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you - but as others have posted - love isn't enough. Sometimes timing comes into play.

 

Ending a relationship requires a grieving process. allow yourself time to grieve. Over time, when you are ready - get yourself out there, and start meeting new people in your new town. ITs going to take time... Its going to be tough... But you will get there. Be patient and good luck

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  • 2 months later...

Hey guys. I just wanted to give an update and am hoping for some good advice as I am really hurting at the moment and feeling really weak :(. And I really appreciated the advice you gave me, as it did really stick especially "sometimes love isnt enough." So after the break up back in October I ended up reaching back out to him only after a week in a half (I know). Well apparently he was just as hurt as I was. He then told me he was considering moving to Nashville for me. Which was a huge shock to me. And he was serious about it, as he did talk to his parents about it and they encouraged him. I was instantly excited. I told him I would just give him time to think and make a decision, not realizing it was going to take forever... Things were going good for about 3 weeks. We only hung out once during that time, but were talking like we were still together. Then I started to kind of lose my mind because we were just in that "gray area" ya know? I started to feel like he didn't want to be with me. I couldn't understand why we couldnt just be together. But heres the thing, he had never been to nashville, and I wasn't moving until the first of February. SO basically I was going to have to wait until he came and visited me. Well we didn't quite make it that far. We both looked at the situation differently. I was worried that he would resent me if he moved up here and also worried about what if he visited and hated it and then cut communication. I was looking out for myself and he was looking out for himself.

 

And once again, the gray area killed me. I made it clear to him in that last 3 months I was home that I wanted to be with him. I wanted to spend those last 3 months we had together to build up our relationship for long distance. But he also didn't want to do the whole long distance thing. He's done it before and had a bad experience, etc. I just didn't understand why he wasnt wanting to be with me, but wanted to have my around to talk to. That angered me and I felt I needed all or nothing. To me, it wasnt fair to keep talking to me but not be with me. I ended up telling him a few days before the new year that I couldnt talk to him, and that he just needed to reach out to me in a month or so if he decides he wants to be with me. And he did not agree with that. He was worried I would be moved on by that time. Which was not fair at all in my opinion to just be keeping me around to talk to out of fear I am going to move on. I told him it wasn't fair. I also said if I did move on in that amount of time than I guess it wasn't meant to be. Well he would text me like once a week. And then he started texting me too frequently. Went over to my house and spent time with my dog, (my dog that he went with me to get as a puppy so he felt it was his in a way). I mean it was fine but the communication was getting too frequent and it was messing with my head.

 

I ended up kind of lashing out at him one night after a few drinks because he was texting me too much and not really respecting how I felt. This was a week in a half before I moved. So close to end of January. I ended up apologizing the next day and I told him it was apparent to me that I needed to move on. I just had anger built up that he wouldnt be with me and the situation was just hard to deal with. He was very cold and was like okay take care. Then of course the next day I got a text from him that started an argument, but then I just told him how hurt I was at this situation and how I just couldnt stop crying about it, which I couldnt. He offered to come over and comfort me. I hadnt seen him in a month in a half. It sounded nice. He came over laid with me, we hung out for a few hours. Had sex of course (and this was totally all me, not him btw). And I did enjoy our time but when I woke up the next morning it was like a wave of emotion. Just felt down and depressed as I realized nothing had changed. Us hanging out changes nothing. We still arent together, he still doesnt want to be with me, even though I know he loves me very much and is just scared because I am moving. And I couldnt wait for him to make that decision. I was hurting really bad. He text me the next afternoon and said it was really nice to see you and hang out. And I just unleashed my essay telling him that I woke up am hurt and that I needed to move on. I told him that I respect his decision that he cant be with me, and that he needs to respect my decision to move on because of that. I told him please dont make this hard on me. I wanted this to work really bad, but I can't wait around anymore. I told him I still loved him very much. And that I am very hurt by this all, and how sorry I am if I hurt him. I felt this was the best decision at the time, as I was about to move in a week and I didn't want to carry this hurt on when I move into my new place. And I just felt I had been toyed with for the last 3 months. And I felt they were just wasted away. Time we could have spent together working on our relationship,

 

Well, I never got a response back. Nothing. Not even an okay. For days I wondered if he even got the text. Its now been 3 weeks yesterday since we have talked. I know he was probably just respecting my feelings and wishes as I said we couldnt communicate anymore. Now I am in my new home in nashville, and I am struggling more than ever with moving on. I know that my decision was probably best for the long run as I feared us not being together and just causally talking could lead to later and worse heartbreak. Like if he was to meet someone and was still talking to me and then I found out. That would absolutely kill me worse. But I think I am just in this new area and I haven't found my niche yet. I have a few friends but it doesnt really feel like home yet. And on top of me missing my family, I am dealing with this heart break. Also, both my roommates are in relationships, doesn't help either. Part of me regrets telling him I needed to move on even though I believe I did need to. The gray area was breaking me down and I am sure anyone who has been in that gray area with someone knows how I felt. I really stood by my decision until the last week in a half or so. I've gotten worse as the days have gone by. Cry just randomly when I think of him. Because I am just wondering what hes thinking? Mainly bc I never got a response back. So I don't really feel I got closure and I feel like he hates me. And I am sure he thinks I am already moved on, having fun in this new place. But truth is, I am having to adjust and its not as easy as I thought it would be. I have thought about texting him so many times. But I don't think that is the best idea. I am just really hurt and I feel lost. I don't know if what i did was right. but that could just be the pain talking. Can someone please give me some advice??? Did I make the wrong decision? Is this normal to be regretting cutting things off? Can someone give me some advice on how to move on? Someone please help!

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Hey guys. I just wanted to give an update and am hoping for some good advice as I am really hurting at the moment and feeling really weak . And I really appreciated the advice you gave me, as it did really stick especially "sometimes love isnt enough." So after the break up back in October I ended up reaching back out to him only after a week in a half (I know). Well apparently he was just as hurt as I was. He then told me he was considering moving to Nashville for me. Which was a huge shock to me. And he was serious about it, as he did talk to his parents about it and they encouraged him. I was instantly excited. I told him I would just give him time to think and make a decision, not realizing it was going to take forever... Things were going good for about 3 weeks. We only hung out once during that time, but were talking like we were still together. Then I started to kind of lose my mind because we were just in that "gray area" ya know? I started to feel like he didn't want to be with me. I couldn't understand why we couldnt just be together. But heres the thing, he had never been to nashville, and I wasn't moving until the first of February. SO basically I was going to have to wait until he came and visited me. Well we didn't quite make it that far. We both looked at the situation differently. I was worried that he would resent me if he moved up here and also worried about what if he visited and hated it and then cut communication. I was looking out for myself and he was looking out for himself.

 

And once again, the gray area killed me. I made it clear to him in that last 3 months I was home that I wanted to be with him. I wanted to spend those last 3 months we had together to build up our relationship for long distance. But he also didn't want to do the whole long distance thing. He's done it before and had a bad experience, etc. I just didn't understand why he wasnt wanting to be with me, but wanted to have my around to talk to. That angered me and I felt I needed all or nothing. To me, it wasnt fair to keep talking to me but not be with me. I ended up telling him a few days before the new year that I couldnt talk to him, and that he just needed to reach out to me in a month or so if he decides he wants to be with me. And he did not agree with that. He was worried I would be moved on by that time. Which was not fair at all in my opinion to just be keeping me around to talk to out of fear I am going to move on. I told him it wasn't fair. I also said if I did move on in that amount of time than I guess it wasn't meant to be. Well he would text me like once a week. And then he started texting me too frequently. Went over to my house and spent time with my dog, (my dog that he went with me to get as a puppy so he felt it was his in a way). I mean it was fine but the communication was getting too frequent and it was messing with my head.

 

I ended up kind of lashing out at him one night after a few drinks because he was texting me too much and not really respecting how I felt. This was a week in a half before I moved. So close to end of January. I ended up apologizing the next day and I told him it was apparent to me that I needed to move on. I just had anger built up that he wouldnt be with me and the situation was just hard to deal with. He was very cold and was like okay take care. Then of course the next day I got a text from him that started an argument, but then I just told him how hurt I was at this situation and how I just couldnt stop crying about it, which I couldnt. He offered to come over and comfort me. I hadnt seen him in a month in a half. It sounded nice. He came over laid with me, we hung out for a few hours. Had sex of course (and this was totally all me, not him btw). And I did enjoy our time but when I woke up the next morning it was like a wave of emotion. Just felt down and depressed as I realized nothing had changed. Us hanging out changes nothing. We still arent together, he still doesnt want to be with me, even though I know he loves me very much and is just scared because I am moving. And I couldnt wait for him to make that decision. I was hurting really bad. He text me the next afternoon and said it was really nice to see you and hang out. And I just unleashed my essay telling him that I woke up am hurt and that I needed to move on. I told him that I respect his decision that he cant be with me, and that he needs to respect my decision to move on because of that. I told him please dont make this hard on me. I wanted this to work really bad, but I can't wait around anymore. I told him I still loved him very much. And that I am very hurt by this all, and how sorry I am if I hurt him. I felt this was the best decision at the time, as I was about to move in a week and I didn't want to carry this hurt on when I move into my new place. And I just felt I had been toyed with for the last 3 months. And I felt they were just wasted away. Time we could have spent together working on our relationship,

 

Well, I never got a response back. Nothing. Not even an okay. For days I wondered if he even got the text. Its now been 3 weeks yesterday since we have talked. I know he was probably just respecting my feelings and wishes as I said we couldnt communicate anymore. Now I am in my new home in nashville, and I am struggling more than ever with moving on. I know that my decision was probably best for the long run as I feared us not being together and just causally talking could lead to later and worse heartbreak. Like if he was to meet someone and was still talking to me and then I found out. That would absolutely kill me worse. But I think I am just in this new area and I haven't found my niche yet. I have a few friends but it doesnt really feel like home yet. And on top of me missing my family, I am dealing with this heart break. Also, both my roommates are in relationships, doesn't help either. Part of me regrets telling him I needed to move on even though I believe I did need to. The gray area was breaking me down and I am sure anyone who has been in that gray area with someone knows how I felt. I really stood by my decision until the last week in a half or so. I've gotten worse as the days have gone by. Cry just randomly when I think of him. Because I am just wondering what hes thinking? Mainly bc I never got a response back. So I don't really feel I got closure and I feel like he hates me. And I am sure he thinks I am already moved on, having fun in this new place. But truth is, I am having to adjust and its not as easy as I thought it would be. I have thought about texting him so many times. But I don't think that is the best idea. I am just really hurt and I feel lost. I don't know if what i did was right. but that could just be the pain talking. Can someone please give me some advice??? Did I make the wrong decision? Is this normal to be regretting cutting things off? Can someone give me some advice on how to move on? Someone please help!

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