Wife bringing work home with her (mentally). Getting annoying.

My wife started a new job with more responsibility. This is a stressful job, no doubt, and I don't blame her for thinking about it off the clock. But it is to the point where she literally ignores everything I say. Like, I'll say something and... nothing. Not even a grunt to acknowledge I said something. And this is not some of the time, this is most of the time. Even on dates (which is most annoying). I'll then usually say "you're not listening to me again" at which I'll usually get a "oh sorry I was thinking about work", and then I have to say the whole thing over again. I really don't want to say everything twice for the rest of my life and I don't know what to do about it, even if I get her to say what it's about it's all mumbo jumbo I don't understand. What can I do about this?

To be completely honest, I'm the same way. I do interpreting for a living, so when I come home, I'm frankly all listened-out. We had that conversation pretty early on, though, and she's pretty understanding. Particularly coming off a 12 hour day, my brain's probably frazzled until bed time and I'll load up the PS4 for a couple hours to decompress a bit. But, on that note, I do actually know what I need to decompress so that I can be a supportive partner during the time I'm not. That may be a better way to navigate the waters rather than outright lamenting her not listening to you. If it's an issue, you might start with empathizing about how you understand the stress and the responsibilities and that of course that all isn't going to go away once she comes through the door. Ask her what she needs to decompress so that you're not bugging her and you're not getting frustrated when she's just not in a state.

That's assuming this hasn't been a conversation already, though.

You say it's a new job, so how long has she been at it? It kind of makes sense that she is stressed out and having to learn and process a lot right now, but I'd think that after awhile she will get up to speed and not feel the need to be fixated all the time just by virtue of experience and practice.

I'd glossed over the fact it was a new job. Depending how new we're talking, I'd simply cut her some slack altogether. I actually find it a bit refreshing that she's going into her own little twilight zone rather than coming home with an all out gripe-fest.

Thanks, both of you.

j.man: I really don't know what activity she'd need to decompress, or even if that'd work, but I'll see if that's something she's thought of. I'd be happy to give her the time she needs to do it.

DancingFool: Well, she's been working at the same place for a few years now, but she's been promoted to a mentorship role recently, so she's basically doublechecking the mentee's work, but her double checking is going to be scruitinized, plus she needs to prove she's a good mentor. I don't want to say this started then, because it didn't, but it has gotten worse.

I'd glossed over the fact it was a new job. Depending how new we're talking, I'd simply cut her some slack altogether. I actually find it a bit refreshing that she's going into her own little twilight zone rather than coming home with an all out gripe-fest.

Oh she's doing that too, haha. Just that most of it completely goes over my head.

So it is very recent in terms of added responsibilities and scrutiny. Just give her some space for now and get busy yourself doing other stuff instead of getting upset and increasingly resentful. Also, asking her what she needs to decompress might be a good idea, but try not to turn this into an issue.

Another idea is maybe talk to her about setting aside quality time for each other and plan out something fun and different. Less is more kind of a thing. So rather than a dinner date where she is spaced out in work mode and you are trying to chat away about whatever, go do something more engaging or more active, etc. Sounds a bit like you two might be stuck and bored in a rut and that's the other part of the problem? Shake things up a little perhaps?

Decompressing can take an hour or two. I only get my traffic-filled car ride home to do it, so I never really get too, and sometimes I wanna lock myself in the bathroom, but can't with kids, so I'm in a daily grind really. And it's really sometimes just zoning out. When you get home, start cooking, or unloading dishes, and let her chill. Relax, and don't take it personally. Anyone with a challenging job and specially a new one take time to get in the swing of things.

Thanks all. Good advice.

You have some reasonable concerns in regards to communicating with your partner but you could adjust the way you’re going about it just a bit. Since the work is new and she’s bringing it home, could you maybe ask if she needed some assistance or even offer it up without her having to ask and as you two begin working together on it pitch your concerns to her. But don’t add more stress by wanting to remove her from her work that she might be having some complications with to attend to you. Work together as partners after all you’re in a partnership therefore if one partner seems to be dedicating her quality with work show some interest at least in that way she gets her work done and you get your needs met.

Since this is a new development, I say give her a bit to do what she needs to do to self-adjust and learn how to more effectively decompress.

That said, I can full on empathize with you, particularly if she's if she's both griping and playing space cadet. That would get old and it would get old fast. While, honestly, people complaining about work is probably among my Top 5 pet peeves, for my partner, I'll put up with a 15 minute venting session if it means she can take a deep breath and be fine afterward. In fact, I zone out through most of it anyway given how I personally decompress, so it actually works out pretty well.

If you're talking a couple months down the road and she's essentially toxifying the home environment, that may be time to have a conversation about what both need to be happy and comfortable at home.

You have some reasonable concerns in regards to communicating with your partner but you could adjust the way you’re going about it just a bit. Since the work is new and she’s bringing it home, could you maybe ask if she needed some assistance or even offer it up without her having to ask and as you two begin working together on it pitch your concerns to her. But don’t add more stress by wanting to remove her from her work that she might be having some complications with to attend to you. Work together as partners after all you’re in a partnership therefore if one partner seems to be dedicating her quality with work show some interest at least in that way she gets her work done and you get your needs met.

My wife started a new job with more responsibility. This is a stressful job, no doubt, and I don't blame her for thinking about it off the clock. But it is to the point where she literally ignores everything I say. Like, I'll say something and... nothing. Not even a grunt to acknowledge I said something. And this is not some of the time, this is most of the time. Even on dates (which is most annoying). I'll then usually say "you're not listening to me again" at which I'll usually get a "oh sorry I was thinking about work", and then I have to say the whole thing over again. I really don't want to say everything twice for the rest of my life and I don't know what to do about it, even if I get her to say what it's about it's all mumbo jumbo I don't understand. What can I do about this?

Instead of wanting her to listen to me, I'd ask her "A penny for your thoughts?". Her job is demanding for her right now, so if you can avoid being "demanding" even in a subtle way, it might go better for you. Let her talk, and you do the listening? Or suggest just sitting quietly and exchanging foot rubs?

Can she go for a brisk but short-ish run or power walk right after work or right after an early dinner? Or a treadmill? Seems to me she needs something to get the work out of her headspace and I find exercise is awesome for that (I do mine in the morning but by then I've worked close to 1.5 hours getting my son ready for school -no easy feat). I used to be a lot like her and sometimes am now but often it's because we're both actually doing work from home. Definitely give her time to adjust.

I agree with the good folks who suggested to give her time to adjust to the new role. I'd also preface the way you speak with her to first pull her attention out of her thoughts as opposed to flinging a verbal ball at her and expecting her to catch it. For instance, "HerName, I have a question for you, may I have a moment?" or, "HerName, I want to tell you something, is this an okay time?"

Sometimes the most 'help' we can be to someone under stress is to back off and become a comforting part of the scenery for a time. Allow wife gripe sessions and specifically schedule an agreed time for her attention when you need to have her ear for your own agenda. Keep a running list of things you want to discuss, and use the scheduled time to cover your important stuff.

As for dating, keep lists of things you'll want to do together for the near future when you can both enjoy the time rather than dragging her body with you while resenting her because her mind isn't where you want it to be just yet. Consider this a time that you'll reminder her of should you encounter a preoccupying stress period of your own someday. Meanwhile, see how well you can relish the role of a support person and come up with creative ways that you can be affectionate and warm while respecting her inability to reciprocate at the moment.

Head high, and write more if it helps.