Why Doesn't He Get The Hint!!!????

I've posted a couple of times before but basically I am only doing contact with my ex about kids and bills, and we only communicate via text . I have told him this, I said that i am concentrating on me and all we need to communicate about is the kids and bills. He said that it is good that I'm concentrating on me but doesn't understand why we can't work on being friends. What i want to know is, as he knows that I'm only communicating about kids and bills why does he keep talking and doesn't take the hint????

For example, I left to go on a 5 day break and he was coming to my house to watch the kids and dogs. He asked via text about some money I had left and I told him what it was for. I also clarified his other question that the food in the fridge was for the week until i returned. Basic info he needed to know. So then he sends a message which said, "Hope you have a good time, safe travels". I ignored it as usual.

Yesterday I returned from my break. I came in the door, did not even speak to him, put my bag down and went to find my son and daughter. He left on his motorbike whilst this was happening. I didn't think anything of it, there was no need to communicate with him and he left as I was home. This morning he sent me a message to say he had transferred some money for a bill, then he sent another message which said "sorry for storming off, i was tired and had things to do. I take it that you had a good time".

Why does he keep talking?? He knows i'm not going to respond!!! I hadn't even noticed he stormed off yesterday and even if I did, it's nothing to do with me how he behaves or reacts unless it's to do with kids/bills. He left 4 months ago, surely he gets the hint by now???

Well I haven't read your back story so I may be jumping the gun here , but going from this alone

Yesterday I returned from my break. I came in the door, did not even speak to him, put my bag down and went to find my son and daughter

how rude ..I mean who does that , and what an example to set infront of your children .. I am shocked you had the father of your children stay at your house to look after them and the dog then didn't have the courtesy to say hello .

Well I haven't read your back story so I may be jumping the gun here , but going from this alone

 

 

 

how rude ..I mean who does that , and what an example to set infront of your children .. I am shocked you had the father of your children stay at your house to look after them and the dog then didn't have the courtesy to say hello .

You have commented on one of my previous posts and so perhaps you would like to find what you wrote.....but basically he left me and my kids after 20 years together. i can't look at him nor talk to him without feeling angry and upset. It was entirely his choice to come to my house to look after the childre. The dogs were due to go to a kennels but he said he would take them to which I thanked him for in advance via text.

I read back to see what I had written , but I stand by my post , it was rude .

I read back to see what I had written , but I stand by my post , it was rude .

Yes it may well have been rude but I had not prepared myself for walking back in and seeing him like I usually do.

He's trying to get along for the sake of the children, I would assume. You are not obligated to reply to his texts, however in front of your kids you should be amicable. You are angry, hurt, and justifiably so. But think of your kids first.

The communications you describe above don't warrant a reply; they're more like common courtesy than an attempt to engage you in conversation. If he was contacting you several times a day trying to chat, that would be different.

I appreciate that you've been so badly hurt by this guy that you can hardly bear to give him the time of day, and this is showing itself in your refusal to engage with him at all. In that respect I don't blame you, and I wouldn't want to be friends either. However, just the meaningless pleasantries of everyday life won't pull you back into any kind of relationship with him, and being polite in the same way you would a total stranger can't hurt and, as SweetGirl says, it will make it easier for the children.

...and you can safely ignore his texts unless you really need to respond....

The communications you describe above don't warrant a reply; they're more like common courtesy than an attempt to engage you in conversation. If he was contacting you several times a day trying to chat, that would be different.

 

I appreciate that you've been so badly hurt by this guy that you can hardly bear to give him the time of day, and this is showing itself in your refusal to engage with him at all. In that respect I don't blame you, and I wouldn't want to be friends either. However, just the meaningless pleasantries of everyday life won't pull you back into any kind of relationship with him, and being polite in the same way you would a total stranger can't hurt and, as SweetGirl says, it will make it easier for the children.

 

...and you can safely ignore his texts unless you really need to respond....

Thanks for the replies so far. I would like to point out a few things: Firstly, neither one of my children were in the room when I came home. Ordinarily I usually say Hi at least to him, especially if they are around. Yesterday, after having travelled for 8 hours/being on a high from having a wonderful trip/anxious to see my kids I had not mentally prepared myself for even saying hi to this man. i am still at the stage where I have to psyche myself up to be able to be in the same place as him, let alone do any form of communication. I gave this man 20 years of my life and he can't even give me the courtesy of trying counselling, so I am really not at the stage where I can play pretend that everything is hunky dory as it is.

Perhaps if I mention that i have to tell my son not to call him *The Jerk*, which is not something he has got from me and I always tell him not to call his dad that because he isn't one (whether he is one or not). I don't bad mouth him in front of my kids. My son is responding to the way his dad has made him feel through his actions and behaviours towards my son...... indeed, my son is now seeing a psychologist one-to-one (he was in a group setting and progressing wonderfully before his dad left) as the psychologist says that his dad leaving has been detrimental to his progress. My son is stuck on repeat about the way that his dad dismissed his feelings when crying about an incident on the first day back at school. That was 3 months ago and his dad's reaction at the time is still making him upset and angry. So here I am, left to pick up the pieces and try and make out like everything is great while he sits in his apartment doing god knows what.

Also just to show what a stand up guy he is, he told me he was leaving me 3 days before we returned home for a week to attend his mother's surprise 60th birthday. So I was supposed to just put on a happy face and act like nothing had happened for a week in front of his family and my dad - sorry, it didn't work that way and it made me look like the b**** that was trying to ruin the event because I did have a fake smile plastered on my face. Who tells someone 3 days before going away that they are leaving them after 20 years, he couldn't wait another week if he wanted to put on an act for his mum?

Sorry for this rant and I appreciate that I am in no way not partly responsible for our marriage being rocky but I hope this gives you a rough idea of why i find it so hard to engage in fake pleasantries with this man at the moment.

i think so... but he will do the same again and again ..

I appreciate that it is very hard and you are hurting right now. But as you can see from the replies, you will come off looking like the bad guy if you don't get control of the situation. From what you have said in this post he didn't go over the top with chatting and text, in face he did the bare necessity of having manners.

Its a tough situation, I get it and you're mad as hell. I cant stand my ex so much but have to be as pleasant as possible. We do it for the kids.

You don't have to be 'fake'. But you do need to have manners and be civil. Saying 'Hi Michael, how were the kids?. That's great. Well thanks for that, I'll see you soon' its not fake, it's communication devoid of emotion.

You don't have to be 'fake'. But you do need to have manners and be civil. Saying 'Hi Michael, how were the kids?. That's great. Well thanks for that, I'll see you soon' its not fake, it's communication devoid of emotion.

yeah this is all it needs ...

I gave this man 20 years of my life and he can't even give me the courtesy of trying counselling

So you've asked him? Or you've just been giving him the cold shoulder?

He might be ready to try counselling, but you're clearly not because you can't even stand to be in the same room.

I appreciate that it is very hard and you are hurting right now. But as you can see from the replies, you will come off looking like the bad guy if you don't get control of the situation. From what you have said in this post he didn't go over the top with chatting and text, in face he did the bare necessity of having manners.

 

Its a tough situation, I get it and you're mad as hell. I cant stand my ex so much but have to be as pleasant as possible. We do it for the kids.

 

You don't have to be 'fake'. But you do need to have manners and be civil. Saying 'Hi Michael, how were the kids?. That's great. Well thanks for that, I'll see you soon' its not fake, it's communication devoid of emotion.

I understand what you are saying...but since he is texting me asking how i am doing or if I had a good time, how is that necessary and vital information that he needs to know? It's not about the kids or bills, which I have specifically told him that is all i am willing to communicate about. If he is texting me and asking me these things, it has no bearing on how that looks to the kids as they are not involved in the messages between him and I? he doesn't have to be texting me asking these questions, we only need to be civil about the kids and bills which i am.....

So you've asked him? Or you've just been giving him the cold shoulder?

 

He might be ready to try counselling, but you're clearly not because you can't even stand to be in the same room.

he agreed to counselling 3 months before he left but it had not been arranged as he was away working. After he said he was leaving I asked him if he would consider the counselling that we had agreed to not long beforehand (because we both knew how rocky we were and needed help) and he said it would be a waste of time.

he agreed to counselling 3 months before he left but it had not been arranged as he was away working. After he said he was leaving I asked him if he would consider the counselling that we had agreed to not long beforehand (because we both knew how rocky we were and needed help) and he said it would be a waste of time.

Probably not the best path forward, but considering your situation (and reluctance to put yourself out there for fear of rejection), I'd probably state to him "I need us to go to counselling if we're going to have any semblance of a positive relationship moving forward, regardless of what the outcome of counselling is, it is necessary for me to get past the anger that I'm feeling"

Phrase it in a way that suggests that you're ambivalent about being friends or being together, but I would probably (once you're in counselling) reveal that you truly want to work on the relationship

I know, it's a bit dodgy, but that's how I'd be handling it. Counselling is the safest space for you to come clean and lessens the likelihood/blow of rejection once you're actually there

Yes it may well have been rude but I had not prepared myself for walking back in and seeing him like I usually do.

Um, dude. I totally agree with pippy on this one. This was actually above and beyond rude. The guy may have been a crappy partner and hurt you, but he just spent a week with the kids and doggos so you could go away... and you don't even say "thank you" upon returning, you just treat him like a ghost and ignore him when you walk in the door? You knew he'd be there when you returned... you left him in charge. If he hadn't been there, being rude would have been completely acceptable.

I understand being hurt. But I also believe that as an adult and an example for your children, you should AT LEAST be civil. You can set boundaries, but the ones you're touting seem a little extreme and unrealistic. There's going to be face to face communication necessary at times - like the example above.

Um, dude. I totally agree with pippy on this one. This was actually above and beyond rude. The guy may have been a crappy partner and hurt you, but he just spent a week with the kids and doggos so you could go away... and you don't even say "thank you" upon returning, you just treat him like a ghost and ignore him when you walk in the door? You knew he'd be there when you returned... you left him in charge. If he hadn't been there, being rude would have been completely acceptable.

 

I understand being hurt. But I also believe that as an adult and an example for your children, you should AT LEAST be civil. You can set boundaries, but the ones you're touting seem a little extreme and unrealistic. There's going to be face to face communication necessary at times - like the example above.

I appreciate what you are saying and as I have already said it was rude. We have never been good at communication and this is a major part of the issues we had. I thought I had healed a little to be able to hold a civil conversation in person with him until a few days before I left, when we had an argument via text about a bill issue, which just seemed to make my anger flare up again and set me back a bit. Do you think he has crossed a boundary I have set for not talking to me via text except about kids/bills by asking me how my trip was etc? i'd be interested to know what you think..... it's quite difficult as i am trying to heal from a long relationship, in which when he left he said he still loved me but couldn't with live me. Believe me if he had just said he didn't love me anymore and was leaving I would have been able to heal/process this much better and would probably be acting the way everyone thinks I should be.....

My response to you is the same as in your previous post. YOUR bad behavior, anger issues and refusal to communicate like a grown adult is the reason he walked out on you. Instead of this being a wake up call for you to work on yourself, you continue to stick your head in the sand and act rude and nasty. You choose to blame him instead of taking responsibility for yourself. He isn't even trying to talk to you, OP, he is being civil and frankly, given your asinine behavior, the man deserves a medal for even attempting that, let alone putting up with you for so many years. Wake up OP before it's too late, but you are so deep in denial that I doubt you ever will.

My response to you is the same as in your previous post. YOUR bad behavior, anger issues and refusal to communicate like a grown adult is the reason he walked out on you. Instead of this being a wake up call for you to work on yourself, you continue to stick your head in the sand and act rude and nasty. You choose to blame him instead of taking responsibility for yourself. He isn't even trying to talk to you, OP, he is being civil and frankly, given your asinine behavior, the man deserves a medal for even attempting that, let alone putting up with you for so many years. Wake up OP before it's too late, but you are so deep in denial that I doubt you ever will.

Absolutely! So if I'm this complete mess that he has had a lucky escape from, he has the perfect reason to not converse with me by text more than absolutely necessary, i.e. only about kids and bills! So why isn't that the case??

Absolutely! So if I'm this complete mess that he has had a lucky escape from, he has the perfect reason to not converse with me by text more than absolutely necessary, i.e. only about kids and bills! So why isn't that the case??

...Jesus woman, he isn't trying to escape you. He is desperate for you to wake up and fix yourself. I'm sorry but I won't be posting on your threads anymore. Your reaction shows that you are in need of serious, experienced professional help and you aren't ready to go there, so you are just sitting self destructing and playing victim.

Absolutely! So if I'm this complete mess that he has had a lucky escape from, he has the perfect reason to not converse with me by text more than absolutely necessary, i.e. only about kids and bills! So why isn't that the case??[/quote

 

In all honesty, I think he's putting the kids first, trying to be respectful given the circumstances.

I'm also thinking he probably feels a relief and is able to just be nice, because his feelings for you

are now indifferent. No love, no hate, just there. And it will benefit you greatly to get over the anger

and hurt and just not let him bother you anymore.

 

The day will come when you won't be annoyed with these texts. That which angers you, controls you.

You are the mother of his children, I think it's admirable he is doing his best to show respect.

You should deal with my baby daddy, you'd be counting your blessings this man is being decent.

Absolutely! So if I'm this complete mess that he has had a lucky escape from, he has the perfect reason to not converse with me by text more than absolutely necessary, i.e. only about kids and bills! So why isn't that the case??

Because he's trying to be civil.

I dunno.

He might be doing so to relieve his own guilt.

If you are dismissive to him in private, I say go with it.

Civil in front of the kids. . Absolutely!

Friendly? She doesn't need to be his friend.

He doesn't need to wish her well on her trip or add anything else that is remotely personal.

If I read it correctly, most of these things are said over text.

She has asked him not to. In turn he busts a boundary.

And. . I am not entirely sure of the dynamic but there is something to be said about the children being involved.

They are learning by watching their parents.

There might be an unsaid message that mom doesn't tolerate being abandoned after 20 years and maybe some things in life are unforgivable.

The kids relationship with their dad is entirely separate and you support that with everything you have. That's what's best for the kids.

But mommy being friends with daddy like nothing happened is confusing to children.

It's a tough line to navigate.

I've done it. Not fun.

I think some of the responses are a little heavy handed, honestly.

I appreciate what you are saying and as I have already said it was rude. We have never been good at communication and this is a major part of the issues we had. I thought I had healed a little to be able to hold a civil conversation in person with him until a few days before I left, when we had an argument via text about a bill issue, which just seemed to make my anger flare up again and set me back a bit. Do you think he has crossed a boundary I have set for not talking to me via text except about kids/bills by asking me how my trip was etc? i'd be interested to know what you think..... it's quite difficult as i am trying to heal from a long relationship, in which when he left he said he still loved me but couldn't with live me. Believe me if he had just said he didn't love me anymore and was leaving I would have been able to heal/process this much better and would probably be acting the way everyone thinks I should be.....

I think that you should just reaffirm your boundaries, meaning - when he asks questions that aren't in line with what you told him you're willing to discuss, you don't need to respond to them.

However, I also think that you need to open that up to civil face-to-face communication as well. You said you guys are bad at communication - well, that goes both ways, and based on the behavior you described in your original post, is something you can work on as well. So use it as a learning and growth opportunity. Being nice and civil to people who have hurt us (especially people we have invested a lot of time in) can be really, really hard. But if you want to improve your skills for future relationships, it's kind of an essential step. It's also a great opportunity for your kids to learn from.

You can absolutely shut down non-essential conversation politely, with some practice. If he asks how you're doing, texts are easy (and less rude) to ignore. You've already set that boundary. If he asks face-to-face, you can either respond with a brief "fine" and return the conversation to a relevant topic, or take it a step further and state that you don't wish to discuss personal matters with him. Staying calm and unemotional, polite and distant, you can maintain your boundaries, set a good example, and also effectively communicate. You can't control how he reacts - only how you do. In this situation, running yourself through some if this, then that scenarios would help you be prepared to handle such encounters more gracefully in the future.

It's worth repeating: the only actions we can control are our own. Sure, we'd all like to have that perfect clear ending that makes sense, gives us closure, and with a clear understanding of what the future holds. Of course! Life would be so much simpler. It's rarely that clean and easy though, and remembering that you're only responsible for your actions and reactions can help you stay on the right track. It's OK to screw up and be messy - but don't keep repeating the cycle. It sounds like you want to be better - and you're getting some good advice for exactly that.

ETA: Is he crossing a boundary? Maybe. Probably. He may also be trying to establish communication and rapport by being polite.

My ex of (cough) 17 years still does this to me to this day.

No more animosity and we are very civil and kind to each other. We recently vacationed together with our sons. (and his girlfriend)

But my short hairs go up when he asks me personal questions, so this is sensitive subject for me.

I smile and give one word answers, change the subject, or walk away.

He knows it bothers me and he's antagonistic by nature, so he just does it more. That and he has a control issue so he has to try control everything, including me and the conversation.

I will tell you that my sons don't particularly enjoy us in the same room because (their words) 'Dad acts retarded around you'

They get uncomfortable when their father acts too familiar with me and tries too hard. . is basically what they are saying.

I've also heard, everything would be fine 'if Dad would just act normal'

I am just not so certain what normal is anymore. . lol

You can have good relationship with baby daddy that doesn't include being friends.