Help! Having THAT conversation with someone...are we friends or more?

Okay, so me and this guy have been casually dating since June. We never talked about getting serious but have kept in pretty constant contact since then. We get along really well and have so many of the same interests. We just click. Lately he’s been inviting me to events/parties and introducing me to all his friends. I just introduce myself as his friend to all of them. But now his friends are starting to hit me up (on dating apps and one texted me). They ask what him and I are, but i dont know what to say since we are technically just friends right now. But I do have feelings for him and from how he acts I *think* he has feelings for me. I’ve avoided having this conversation with him in fear that it may end our friendship. But at this point I think I should know what’s going on between us or if he sees anything more in me. If he doesn’t, I think need to move on. At this point, I think our relationship has stayed in this weird/ambiguous zone because we have never talked about anything.

How should I approach the conversation? Do I tell him his friends are messaging me? That I like him? It’s an awkward conversation and I just have no idea where to even begin.

Start the conversation off by telling him how much you've been enjoying spending more time with him lately etc and then let him know how you feel (aka you feel feelings starting to develop for him deeper than friendship). Ask what it is he wants at this point in his life and see how he responds after that. If it seems that he's open to possibly taking it to another level then run with it. Chances are, most guys aren't going to be taking you out to multiple events and introducing you to their close friends unless there's some feeling there. And I definitely think you should let him know about his friends but don't make it too big of a deal out of it unless they've been disrespectful or something. Honestly, starting off the conversation with something like "Hey so and so messaged me the other day asking about us and....." could be a good way to get it started too. Try to keep it casual and not put any pressure on him because you're developing feelings.

This topic used to freak me out as well. Fast forward years later and a lot of wasted time I have learned that it's easier to tell someone what you are looking for and what you need then it is to ask them how they feel about you.

What you need isn't debatable. I'll assume you are sexual with him, so you can start with that. Honestly, if you are getting naked with someone you ought to be able to have an intimate conversation with them, right?

If it were me, I'd say 'I am hard wired in becoming attached to someone I am intimate with and up until this point I've been able to keep this in check and not have any expectations. Having said that I don't think it's a good idea to waste anybody's time if we don't have the same ultimate goal here. If you are at a point in your life where you are just looking to date and keep things casual, I understand and encourage that. But I might have to take care of myself here and reconsider my participation in this because I feel I am getting somewhat attached. It's not what I want to do, but more so what I need to do.

(honestly, if it's me I have this convo before I take my clothes off. . but that's me)

You aren't saying this to manipulate any desired response out of him. You honestly respect wherever he's at in his life where dating is concerned, but more importantly you have responsibility to take care of yourself. Period. You are allowed to seek the information needed to do so.

In my experience if I share this with someone coming from a place of confidence, respect and zero blame. .I get the best responses.

I think people admire others who will do the hard thing if they have to - in the name of self care and preservation.

You have previously not wanted to mess up the friendship, are you now prepared to walk away from it should he give the answer you don't want to hear? Because if he says he just likes the friendship do you think you would stay in it with the ongoing hope that things might change? If you are, then it's time to have that talk.

If you want to make it easier on yourself, call him and simply tell him that you have feelings for him and want to know if there is a chance. Don't mention the friends, just straight up with what you want to say. If he says he is interested in more, then discuss how you are both going to make that happen.

If he says he just likes being friends, you need to back off and get on with your life for a while, perhaps starting to like someone else and going on dates. Then a little later down the track you could perhaps reignite the friendship.

I really appreciate your thought process for this. It's true, it's not how he feels but what's important to me as well. I struggle with confidence as it is, so this conversation just makes me uncomfortable. I love the part about coming at it with zero blame.

As for this....

 

(honestly, if it's me I have this convo before I take my clothes off. . but that's me)

 

The reason it didn't come up before we became intimate, was because I had just moved to a new city and dating casually was perfect. I didn't think him and I would last this long. But obviously my feelings grew stronger and well, here I am lol.

You have previously not wanted to mess up the friendship, are you now prepared to walk away from it should he give the answer you don't want to hear? Because if he says he just likes the friendship do you think you would stay in it with the ongoing hope that things might change? If you are, then it's time to have that talk.

 

If you want to make it easier on yourself, call him and simply tell him that you have feelings for him and want to know if there is a chance. Don't mention the friends, just straight up with what you want to say. If he says he is interested in more, then discuss how you are both ging to make that happen.

 

If he says he just likes being friends, you need to back off and get on with your life for a while, perhaps starting to like someone else and going on dates. Then a little later down the track you could perhaps reignite the friendship.

good advice.

think about it. . if he feels the same way he'll be tickled to hear you do as well.

if not. . you now have the choice to no longer invest in some thing with little or no return

You have previously not wanted to mess up the friendship, are you now prepared to walk away from it should he give the answer you don't want to hear? Because if he says he just likes the friendship do you think you would stay in it with the ongoing hope that things might change? If you are, then it's time to have that talk.

 

If you want to make it easier on yourself, call him and simply tell him that you have feelings for him and want to know if there is a chance. Don't mention the friends, just straight up with what you want to say. If he says he is interested in more, then discuss how you are both ging to make that happen.

 

If he says he just likes being friends, you need to back off and get on with your life for a while, perhaps starting to like someone else and going on dates. Then a little later down the track you could perhaps reignite the friendship.

At this point, yes I am prepared to walk away, even though it would absolutely suck. It's been long enough to know whether or not we should take it to the next level. I just enjoy his friendship so much. But if he does just want to be friends, can I pursue something with his friend that's hitting me up?

I really appreciate your thought process for this. It's true, it's not how he feels but what's important to me as well. I struggle with confidence as it is, so this conversation just makes me uncomfortable.

I'll be honest. This first time I did it, I thought I would faint. But every time you do so it builds your confidence.

I've personally gotten good responses. But if I hadn't, the bonus in being denied is I had the self respect to ask and the guts act on it.

So it's a win/win.

You can do this.

^ Noooo don't.

1. It'd be awkward as if it goes somewhere bc you'll see him around

2. What kind of guy dates someone their friend was dating?

There are lots of guys out there. I think if he was into you enough, he would have wanted to be exclusive within the first two months, bc he wouldn't want you to be snatched away. He'd want you for himself.

I was out of the dating game for a while but just based on past dating expiereinces and recent expiereinces I can honestly say I've never been approached by a guys friends oblivious to the fact that we were dating. Hell when I was younger I had a friend male best friend and all his friends assumed we were dating simply because we had chemistry and were around each other a lot.

What I'm saying is, if things are getting serious enough to discuss commitment his friends should know fully well who you are. Friends talk. You're friends know you're dating someone right? At the very least you two should be putting off a vibe to others that says 'oh they're more than friends'

So in my humble opinion I don't think your feelings are mutual. If his friends are that oblivious to who you are that they are hitting on you, something's off.

. But if he does just want to be friends, can I pursue something with his friend that's hitting me up?

That would be an interesting conversation wouldn't it?

"Ok. . cool. .We'll be friends. By the way, would you mind if I take up your friend on his offer?"

I'd love to see the look on his face! lol

Are you doing anything with him outside of platonic hanging out?

Honestly, when a guy likes you that way and wants to date you, have a relationship, be exclusive, etc., you'll know all about it. It won't be confusing because he'll tell you straight up. If you have to wonder, then he is just not that into you. Sorry.

Frankly, I've never had a guy I'm dating let people, especially guy friends, wonder what our status is. Even if it's early going and I'm the one kind of skirting the title, every single time I've had the guy step up and clear the air, with "she is my date or we are dating or meet my gf." There is no room for misinterpretation there.

Also unless he has the worst friends on the planet, then I'd guess they have the green light to hit on you.

At this point, yes I am prepared to walk away, even though it would absolutely suck. It's been long enough to know whether or not we should take it to the next level. I just enjoy his friendship so much. But if he does just want to be friends, can I pursue something with his friend that's hitting me up?

I think have the conversation with him and tell him straight up that you have feelings for him as I said before. If he says he likes just being friends, you should should ask him if he minds if you date his friend. I think it is perfectly fine to at least go on a date with his friend if he is fine with it. I think it respectful to him as a friend that you ask.

Are you truly interested in dating his friend? Or would it be more of a "consolation prize"? Or a way to show this guy that other men find you attractive and want to date you?

I also think that his friend is likely hitting you up because he has been given the go ahead to do so. Friends do talk about the statuses with girls. 'Yo man, that chick is hot, you hitting that?' 'Nah man, we're just friends. She's cool, but I'm keen on ....' 'Sweet bro, mind if I hit her up?'

I was out of the dating game for a while but just based on past dating expiereinces and recent expiereinces I can honestly say I've never been approached by a guys friends oblivious to the fact that we were dating. Hell when I was younger I had a friend male best friend and all his friends assumed we were dating simply because we had chemistry and were around each other a lot.

 

What I'm saying is, if things are getting serious enough to discuss commitment his friends should know fully well who you are. Friends talk. You're friends know you're dating someone right? At the very least you two should be putting off a vibe to others that says 'oh they're more than friends'

 

So in my humble opinion I don't think your feelings are mutual. If his friends are that oblivious to who you are that they are hitting on you, something's off.

I completely get where you're coming from. But some of them say stuff like "I wouldn't want to get in between you and him." So they do know something. Some of them are just shady friends I think. And whenever they ask what we are, I'm very ambiguous with my answer. So most of them probably have no idea what's going on.

^ Noooo don't.

 

1. It'd be awkward as if it goes somewhere bc you'll see him around

2. What kind of guy dates someone their friend was dating?

 

 

There are lots of guys out there. I think if he was into you enough, he would have wanted to be exclusive within the first two months, bc he wouldn't want you to be snatched away. He'd want you for himself.

I didn't want to be snatched up in the beginning. I was great with our casual relationship. But now he's kinda asking if I like him, without actually asking. ie "My friends seem to think you really like me." Which caught me off guard and I said "well yeah we're friends!" So he's not the only one who has been skirting the issue.

Are you truly interested in dating his friend? Or would it be more of a "consolation prize"? Or a way to show this guy that other men find you attractive and want to date you?

Probably both. But I don't know yet. I haven't paid him any real attention because I truly like the guy I'm seeing.

I completely get where you're coming from. But some of them say stuff like "I wouldn't want to get in between you and him." So they do know something. Some of them are just shady friends I think. And whenever they ask what we are, I'm very ambiguous with my answer. So most of them probably have no idea what's going on.

It's possible that they have no idea how you feel and if you are hung up on him and are trying to figure it out. In other words trying to figure out if you are open to dating or stuck in the "it's complicated" land.....which you actually are. Anyway, I'm all for communication, so ask him and that's that. Don't make it all weird with "hey your pals are hitting on me." Just make it about you and him. I guess what we are trying to say is be ready to hear what you don't want to hear. That's all. The way I look at this kind of stuff is, how much do you want to live with regrets and wondering what if. Just ask.

Are you doing anything with him outside of platonic hanging out?

 

Honestly, when a guy likes you that way and wants to date you, have a relationship, be exclusive, etc., you'll know all about it. It won't be confusing because he'll tell you straight up. If you have to wonder, then he is just not that into you. Sorry.

 

Frankly, I've never had a guy I'm dating let people, especially guy friends, wonder what our status is. Even if it's early going and I'm the one kind of skirting the title, every single time I've had the guy step up and clear the air, with "she is my date or we are dating or meet my gf." There is no room for misinterpretation there.

 

Also unless he has the worst friends on the planet, then I'd guess they have the green light to hit on you.

I completely agree. But we are at a weird stage where he has no idea how I feel. I'm extremely good at hiding my feelings and have never pressured him into talking about things. He's started to joke around and bring up stuff about dating though.

If YOU keep saying "i'm (dude name)'s friend" then maybe the guy doesn't really know how YOU feel or feels he is getting signals from YOU that you are not interested in more. Are you doing date like things? Does he kiss you. Honestly, I would not ask "what are we" because he could fumble - thinking you are telling everyone you are just a friend. I would be clear in my interests since he keeps initiating and asking you to places. I would do one of two things -- i would turn the tables on him and invite him to DINNER or something very datelike and see what he does or i would tell him - that you have not been seeing anyone except going out with him and see what he says. Or maybe say "i keep getting contacted by your friends to go out -- and honestly, I am only interested in you. Is it weird that they are doing that?" You only met him in the summer so you are not ruining a lifelong friendship if he says "sorry, i only see you as a friend".

^ I think they're having sex though...So it isn't really a friendship?

^ I think they're having sex though...So it isn't really a friendship?

Yeah, so to me it sounds like a guy getting NSA sex for 6 months cause the woman is too afraid to make clear what she wants.

OPer I don't see what you have to lose be being honest about your wants and expectations. I also wouldn't date his friend, that would just be awkward. Funny but awkward 😂

Yeah, so to me it sounds like a guy getting NSA sex for 6 months cause the woman is too afraid to make clear what she wants.

 

OPer I don't see what you have to lose be being honest about your wants and expectations. I also wouldn't date his friend, that would just be awkward. Funny but awkward 😂

Well, to be honest, I was enjoying the NSA sex as well. Our relationship has always been very equal, I wasn't interested in defining our relationship. But as time passes and he introduces me to his friends and is inviting me more places, I have no grown stronger feelings recently. I just don't even know how to approach this type of conversation.

^ I think they're having sex though...So it isn't really a friendship?

What's in between a friendship and a relationship? lol