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Thread: Help! Having THAT conversation with someone...are we friends or more?

  1. #1
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    Help! Having THAT conversation with someone...are we friends or more?

    Okay, so me and this guy have been casually dating since June. We never talked about getting serious but have kept in pretty constant contact since then. We get along really well and have so many of the same interests. We just click. Lately heís been inviting me to events/parties and introducing me to all his friends. I just introduce myself as his friend to all of them. But now his friends are starting to hit me up (on dating apps and one texted me). They ask what him and I are, but i dont know what to say since we are technically just friends right now. But I do have feelings for him and from how he acts I *think* he has feelings for me. Iíve avoided having this conversation with him in fear that it may end our friendship. But at this point I think I should know whatís going on between us or if he sees anything more in me. If he doesnít, I think need to move on. At this point, I think our relationship has stayed in this weird/ambiguous zone because we have never talked about anything.

    How should I approach the conversation? Do I tell him his friends are messaging me? That I like him? Itís an awkward conversation and I just have no idea where to even begin.

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    Start the conversation off by telling him how much you've been enjoying spending more time with him lately etc and then let him know how you feel (aka you feel feelings starting to develop for him deeper than friendship). Ask what it is he wants at this point in his life and see how he responds after that. If it seems that he's open to possibly taking it to another level then run with it. Chances are, most guys aren't going to be taking you out to multiple events and introducing you to their close friends unless there's some feeling there. And I definitely think you should let him know about his friends but don't make it too big of a deal out of it unless they've been disrespectful or something. Honestly, starting off the conversation with something like "Hey so and so messaged me the other day asking about us and....." could be a good way to get it started too. Try to keep it casual and not put any pressure on him because you're developing feelings.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    This topic used to freak me out as well. Fast forward years later and a lot of wasted time I have learned that it's easier to tell someone what you are looking for and what you need then it is to ask them how they feel about you.

    What you need isn't debatable. I'll assume you are sexual with him, so you can start with that. Honestly, if you are getting naked with someone you ought to be able to have an intimate conversation with them, right?

    If it were me, I'd say 'I am hard wired in becoming attached to someone I am intimate with and up until this point I've been able to keep this in check and not have any expectations. Having said that I don't think it's a good idea to waste anybody's time if we don't have the same ultimate goal here. If you are at a point in your life where you are just looking to date and keep things casual, I understand and encourage that. But I might have to take care of myself here and reconsider my participation in this because I feel I am getting somewhat attached. It's not what I want to do, but more so what I need to do.

    (honestly, if it's me I have this convo before I take my clothes off. . but that's me)

    You aren't saying this to manipulate any desired response out of him. You honestly respect wherever he's at in his life where dating is concerned, but more importantly you have responsibility to take care of yourself. Period. You are allowed to seek the information needed to do so.

    In my experience if I share this with someone coming from a place of confidence, respect and zero blame. .I get the best responses.
    I think people admire others who will do the hard thing if they have to - in the name of self care and preservation.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 11-13-2017 at 05:34 PM.

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    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    You have previously not wanted to mess up the friendship, are you now prepared to walk away from it should he give the answer you don't want to hear? Because if he says he just likes the friendship do you think you would stay in it with the ongoing hope that things might change? If you are, then it's time to have that talk.

    If you want to make it easier on yourself, call him and simply tell him that you have feelings for him and want to know if there is a chance. Don't mention the friends, just straight up with what you want to say. If he says he is interested in more, then discuss how you are both going to make that happen.

    If he says he just likes being friends, you need to back off and get on with your life for a while, perhaps starting to like someone else and going on dates. Then a little later down the track you could perhaps reignite the friendship.
    Last edited by Keyman; 11-13-2017 at 05:37 PM.

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    I really appreciate your thought process for this. It's true, it's not how he feels but what's important to me as well. I struggle with confidence as it is, so this conversation just makes me uncomfortable. I love the part about coming at it with zero blame.

    As for this....
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself

    (honestly, if it's me I have this convo before I take my clothes off. . but that's me)
    The reason it didn't come up before we became intimate, was because I had just moved to a new city and dating casually was perfect. I didn't think him and I would last this long. But obviously my feelings grew stronger and well, here I am lol.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    You have previously not wanted to mess up the friendship, are you now prepared to walk away from it should he give the answer you don't want to hear? Because if he says he just likes the friendship do you think you would stay in it with the ongoing hope that things might change? If you are, then it's time to have that talk.

    If you want to make it easier on yourself, call him and simply tell him that you have feelings for him and want to know if there is a chance. Don't mention the friends, just straight up with what you want to say. If he says he is interested in more, then discuss how you are both ging to make that happen.

    If he says he just likes being friends, you need to back off and get on with your life for a while, perhaps starting to like someone else and going on dates. Then a little later down the track you could perhaps reignite the friendship.
    good advice.
    think about it. . if he feels the same way he'll be tickled to hear you do as well.
    if not. . you now have the choice to no longer invest in some thing with little or no return

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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    You have previously not wanted to mess up the friendship, are you now prepared to walk away from it should he give the answer you don't want to hear? Because if he says he just likes the friendship do you think you would stay in it with the ongoing hope that things might change? If you are, then it's time to have that talk.

    If you want to make it easier on yourself, call him and simply tell him that you have feelings for him and want to know if there is a chance. Don't mention the friends, just straight up with what you want to say. If he says he is interested in more, then discuss how you are both ging to make that happen.

    If he says he just likes being friends, you need to back off and get on with your life for a while, perhaps starting to like someone else and going on dates. Then a little later down the track you could perhaps reignite the friendship.
    At this point, yes I am prepared to walk away, even though it would absolutely suck. It's been long enough to know whether or not we should take it to the next level. I just enjoy his friendship so much. But if he does just want to be friends, can I pursue something with his friend that's hitting me up?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LegalGirl2009
    I really appreciate your thought process for this. It's true, it's not how he feels but what's important to me as well. I struggle with confidence as it is, so this conversation just makes me uncomfortable.
    I'll be honest. This first time I did it, I thought I would faint. But every time you do so it builds your confidence.
    I've personally gotten good responses. But if I hadn't, the bonus in being denied is I had the self respect to ask and the guts act on it.
    So it's a win/win.
    You can do this.

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    ^ Noooo don't.

    1. It'd be awkward as if it goes somewhere bc you'll see him around
    2. What kind of guy dates someone their friend was dating?


    There are lots of guys out there. I think if he was into you enough, he would have wanted to be exclusive within the first two months, bc he wouldn't want you to be snatched away. He'd want you for himself.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I was out of the dating game for a while but just based on past dating expiereinces and recent expiereinces I can honestly say I've never been approached by a guys friends oblivious to the fact that we were dating. Hell when I was younger I had a friend male best friend and all his friends assumed we were dating simply because we had chemistry and were around each other a lot.

    What I'm saying is, if things are getting serious enough to discuss commitment his friends should know fully well who you are. Friends talk. You're friends know you're dating someone right? At the very least you two should be putting off a vibe to others that says 'oh they're more than friends'

    So in my humble opinion I don't think your feelings are mutual. If his friends are that oblivious to who you are that they are hitting on you, something's off.

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