Menopause divorce

Been married 18 years and about a year ago, my wife (48) asked for a divorce after not much of an argument. Two days later she says "Lets make it work".

A couple of months after I asked her if she was going through menopause as the intimacy was going down hill. She confirmed what I was thinking and for the next 6 months she would try to start an argument or make a few snide remarks and I figured, its menopause and kept my mouth shut. I work overseas and am gone 28 days and work 28 days (I am 58). We talk every day and it would end in "I love you" Got the email saying it was over and I never loved her, she was only living my life not hers etc , she was going to move out of the house while I was there and move back when I went back to work to take care of our children (15 & 16).

She refused to talk to me while I was at work, I was going NUTS. Got home 3 weeks after and talk her into coming home as I would move into the basement.

She brought up arguments we had 17 & 14 years ago and issues I honestly don't remember as the reason for the split.

One day she is making me breakfast and the next will not talk with me. If I bring up the marriage, she brings up alimony and child support.

I do not believe there is any one else in the picture as I could follow her on the phone and for the 3 weeks after the email, she went out twice to a friends place who is divorced.

I love my wife and want her back, but am I barking up the wrong tree??

Sounds like something is troubling her, but you dont know what and maybe neither does she. If it's menopause related she should see her doctor about that. Hormones can make a person not act like themselves.

Have you tried counselling? I wonder if your work schedule is part of the problem, being away so often and for a month at a time would be a big stress on any relationship.

The why doesn't really matter. Of course as a man you want to Fix It so you need something tangible to fix like menopause. Could it be part of the issue? Sure. Is it all of the problem? I seriously doubt it.

The divorced friend could be a sympathetic ear and has probably been telling her how since she got divorced how happy she is. This makes the solution to your wives unhappiness simple. Divorce you and she will be happy.

The mood swings and ups and downs are all common when someone is making a life changing choice.

Take a step back and look at it from her point of view.

You are gone for a month at a time leaving her alone to raise the kids and run the house and deal with all the problems that come up. Then you come home tired and want to play house and then leave again. So while you are away she does everything but when you are there do you do everything for her?

Stop trying to fix her and apologize for leaving her alone to handle everything by herself for so long and not recognizing how lonely and unhappy she has been. Make sure you mean it and see if that softens her stance towards you. If it does come back and post again for more advice.

This has been a long time coming and she has a lot of resentment built up towards you so if she is willing it will take a while to even get to a point where she is willing to talk about working things out. You may need to find work in town though...

Lost

If you want to keep your wife, you will have to probably go outside of your safe zone and do some things you wouldn't normally do. You've got to turn up the compliments and become uber caring. Tell her you still care about her when she's starting an argument. Tell her you still find her attractive, even if she looks like hell. Tell her you admire her for dealing with your difficult job. Tell her you're proud of her for raising two beautiful children. I know she's probably going to try to push you away or even call you a liar, but don't engage her and keep up the love talk. Bring her a gift a day, if you can, even if it's a dandelion or a poem. Go out of your way to romance her. Help her with the chores and maybe take over some, like doing the laundry, etc.

I know you're going to feel like you're wasting your time, but keep it up. It will help, even if she doesn't show it. Maybe ask her doctor's office if they can prescribe estrogen to counteract the effects of menopause. And then hang on, because menopause can last years and it's going to be a bumpy ride!

Friends of ours have talked with my wife and it seems she had no problems with me working away but I am about to start a new job, it will be 10 days gone and 10 back. My wife refuses to go to counselling,

When I come home from work, I have always been Mr Mom, taking care of the kids and doing 90% of the cooking etc. My family has enjoyed life as money has never been an issue.

I think minimizing this to menopause will get you no where fast other then divorce court.

Does menopause make a some women more sensitive? Yes.

But it makes 'some' women more sensitive to real things going on in their lives. Not imaginary.

My guess is the fact that you are rarely home creates a disconnect in your relationship.

My guess is she is also likely telling you what exactly she is unhappy about. It's just a guess though

I wouldn't be so quick to blame menopause. I really do think you actually need to LISTEN to what she is telling you about what issues she has with you and the marriage. You sound very dismissive and that is likely the big cause of all of this. You are comfortable and you are assuming everyone else should be too. Except life doesn't work like that. Sounds also like your wife will let things fester until she is erupting like a volcano. Thing is that you still need to listen and not brush it off as menopause. It's almost insulting to be honest.

I wouldn't blame the menopause ...not fully ...it might be just bringing out what is already there .

Can I just say to all men on this thread , you are taking your life in your hands even daring to mention the menopause infront of me and TWT ...we have our notebooks out ..we are taking names ..we wont forget

Can I just say to all men on this thread , you are taking your life in your hands even daring to mention the menopause infront of me and TWT ...we have our notebooks out ..we are taking names ..we wont forget

beware the rath of Pippy

you mention that she brought up an argument from 14-17 years ago that you cannot even remember. what was it about (presuming that she filled you in on her grievance).

Can I just say to all men on this thread , you are taking your life in your hands even daring to mention the menopause infront of me and TWT ...we have our notebooks out ..we are taking names ..we wont forget

Yes, it's really not a smart tactic. By bringing up menopause or PMS, you are minimizing the issue at hand and blaming it on something hormonal (a.k.a. irrational) rather than giving it proper attention. Even the title of this thread shows that Bert still thinks his wife is just having some silly mood swing.

Has your wife worked or did she stay home all this time ?

Sounds like the kids are close to leaving the house and now she's ready to collect that alimony!

I think how she is treating you is nasty. And menopause is no excuse for it. If my partner started throwing around " I'm going to leave you"s, treating me like crap, ignoring me, making threats - I would consider that very serious , and would start looking after my own interests. That's a no go in my book - if you say it, you'd have to show some real reason why I'd stick around after undermining the trust and security of the foundation of being in it together .

Well, in the men's defense I can honestly say I turned into a raving lunatic at times when I was going through it. Thank all that is good that eventually, I did return to my sweet and charming self *looks up and whistles innocently*

It was one of the most tumultuous times in my 40 years of marriage. I cried when I was angry, I yelled when I was sad, I followed a man who was over 6 feet tall and yelled right in his face when he beeped at me in a parking lot. Unprovoked anger bubbled up often Gah! *hangs head in shame*

Please don't say "menopause is no excuse for it" unless you've been through it and it affects you negatively. Many get through it without a blip, many do not.

I have not meant to offend anyone when I used the menopause word. Just trying to make sense of the whole situation. I love my wife and family and am desperate to keep it all together.

I have not meant to offend anyone when I used the menopause word. Just trying to make sense of the whole situation. I love my wife and family and am desperate to keep it all together.

Read everything you can on menopause and how, as a man you can survive it. Give her lots of space and be willing to do things around the house when she asks them to be done. One of the things my poor hubby had to endure is my shrew self when he didn't take the garbage out the minute I TOLD him to. *oh the shame*

I have not meant to offend anyone when I used the menopause word. Just trying to make sense of the whole situation. I love my wife and family and am desperate to keep it all together.

Then talk to her. Don't just dismiss her issues with you as menopause, but really pay attention, ask questions, ask her to elaborate on what her issues are. Really do listen and hear her. If she is having truly crazy seeming mood swings, it's possible it is menopausal, aka hormonal. However, try to approach her about it when she is on the upswing and open to listening. Your kids are old enough to perhaps have noticed her issues. Might be time for a family intervention type thing if she is in denial and is refusing to go to a doctor.

Thank you everyone for your comments and hopefully I can answer your questions.

The arguments 17 years ago, to be honest, I do not know what it was about but the last thing I said was to leave. I apologised profusely after, but at the heat of the moment I said some nasty things. I have never been physically abusive - I know words can hurt.

Hey we have had ups and downs, (don't all marriages) My wife has worked to get out of the house, it usually cost me more for child care then what she made, but I had no problem with that.

I guess I am sounding like a saint, there are 2 sides to every story - but there was nothing that bad to break up a family.

I have not meant to offend anyone when I used the menopause word. Just trying to make sense of the whole situation. I love my wife and family and am desperate to keep it all together.

darling I was just teasing , honestly ...I am having a hellish time ..I am like sweaty banshee 24/7 .. but none the less , still just playing around , I know your issue is serious and you want to keep your family together .

Thank you everyone for your comments and hopefully I can answer your questions.

The arguments 17 years ago, to be honest, I do not know what it was about but the last thing I said was to leave. I apologised profusely after, but at the heat of the moment I said some nasty things. I have never been physically abusive - I know words can hurt.

Hey we have had ups and downs, (don't all marriages) My wife has worked to get out of the house, it usually cost me more for child care then what she made, but I had no problem with that.

I guess I am sounding like a saint, there are 2 sides to every story - but there was nothing that bad to break up a family.

Oh how I wish we could hear her side of the story. I think it would help you Op if she were to lay it all out here (or privately). You can't resolve something you don't know needs resolving.

One thing the hubs did for me was give me space. Our rec room became his domain where he retreated to when he saw the steam rising from my ears.

I know you work away and give her lots of space when you're gone but when you're back, are you joined at her hip?

Thank you everyone for your comments and hopefully I can answer your questions.

The arguments 17 years ago, to be honest, I do not know what it was about but the last thing I said was to leave. I apologised profusely after, but at the heat of the moment I said some nasty things. I have never been physically abusive - I know words can hurt.

Hey we have had ups and downs, (don't all marriages) My wife has worked to get out of the house, it usually cost me more for child care then what she made, but I had no problem with that.

I guess I am sounding like a saint, there are 2 sides to every story - but there was nothing that bad to break up a family.

Seems to me like she is taking those "ups and downs" and those arguments and things you've said much more seriously than you are, thus is your problem. It's possible that menopause is exasperating her sensitivities, BUT those issues have been burning under the surface for years it would seem. Smoldering coals can start big fires kind of a thing. You also come across as very saintly and dismissive even in the way you are posting here. So it's almost hard to give you any constructive advice other than....stop being so dang nonchalant and dismissive. Obviously you do care or you wouldn't be here, but the way you communicate....it comes across as dismissive. So maybe you need to work on that. Show some vulnerability to her and well....you aren't saintly. We don't know you, but common sense says...... It takes a big man to admit he has flaws. Be huge.

It may be nothing to do with menopause at all; intimacy can decrease because one or both parties are unhappy in the relationship - at any age or stage of adult life. Also, not all women have wild mood swings related to the menopause, any more than all men aged 50 go out and buy themselves a motor bike on their birthday.

It sounds more as though she's been holding onto resentments for years and they're only just bubbling up to the surface... and as everyone else has said, if you want to hold onto your marriage then you'd be as well to listen to her concerns rather than dismissing them.

I wish we would talk. The little we did I once again apologized and I have listened to what she said, but she does not want to speak about it. To her it’s over and then the next day making me breakfast., or offering to do my laundry -next day not talking.

I wish we would talk. The little we did I once again apologized and I have listened to what she said, but she does not want to speak about it. To her it’s over and then the next day making me breakfast., or offering to do my laundry -next day not talking.

When is the last time you guys went on a vacation together, just the two of you? Would she be up for that or is she just to distant at the moment?

I asked her to go in January just the 2 of us to Ecuador. She wasn’t interested. There is a walI I cannot get through