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My new boyfriend has a close attractive female friend


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I started dating this guy about 6 weeks ago. We usually see each other 2-3 times a week and he calls me on the phone every night. He seems super into me - basically a dream guy. Consistent, attentive, never canceled a date. We have also been exclusive since date 2. He made a big speech about not multi-dating and that it feels "just wrong" to date more than one person at once.

 

My problem is that he has a lot of female friends and one that he is particularly close to. They chat on whatsapp all day long. They also spend nearly a full day together every 2 weeks or so. They usually go hiking. It doesn't help that she is very attractive. They have known each other for 7 years. I went back some years on social media and have found lots of very flirty pictures of them. It's clear that they are/were attracted to each other. She is also not currently in a relationship.

 

I guess what upset me is that this weekend we had plans to do something (although didn't specify the day). He suddenly tells me that he is unavailable all day Saturday because he is going hiking with this friend. He didn't even ask me what my plans are first before making firm plans with this friend, almost like he is priorotizing her over me.

 

I know it's early days and I don't want to ruin this with being paranoid so any advice would be appreciated.

 

I also don't won't to invest myself more only to get hurt later.

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We really can't help you much with this. It's ultimately up to you whether or not you can handle your boyfriend being very close with other women.

 

Many people could not handle it (I couldn't), and I'm sure many people could. So, there is no one right answer, there's only what's right for you. And you will have to make that decision.

 

Maybe try spending some time with the both of them together and see how the situation feels to you, then decide if you can continue seeing him. No one would blame you for walking away. Just remember the bottom line. Remember the type of relationship you want for yourself long term, and decide if this one could be it.

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I also don't won't to invest myself more only to get hurt later.
Listen closely enough to yourself and I think you'll see you're answering your own question.

 

Fact is 6 weeks vs. 7 years on its own means he's of course going to prioritize his friend over you. I'd say the same thing were she a guy friend of his. Now I don't know if it's the norm for you or if it's just because she happens to be a woman, but the fact you seem to already be getting territorial over his weekend plans when you're, relatively speaking, just a small blip in his life isn't a good sign at all. Especially when just starting out, I scheduled dates around my every day life and friends, not the other way around. It'd be a serious red flag if I knew a lady I'd been seeing all but 6 weeks was put off by not being consulted of her plans before making some with my friends.

 

All that out of the way, as indea08 pretty much puts it, it is what it is. The friend's not going away. If you think you've got the emotional maturity to genuinely hang out with him and her without using it as an opportunity to make a tug-o-war bout of it, I'd say give that a shot. Otherwise, you might be better off with a guy who's got more rigid boundaries when it comes to opposite sex friends. Fact is there are enough guys out there who don't have such a close bond with a lady friend to where it's an obstacle course you probably don't need to try to run. And, like indea, while I really don't think he's doing anything wrong having this close friendship, I'd probably prefer to consider other candidates in light of it.

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Seeing each other 2-3 times per week when you've barely met 6 weeks ago is already spending a whole lot of time together, not to mention that you talk daily. Sounds almost like you've skipped dating and jumped straight into a relationship. With that said, I think it's healthy to actually spend some time apart and prioritize activities with friends at least some of the time before you burn each other out with too much too soon. You should actually remember that you have friends and other things to do too and go and do them.

 

As for this friend....they've had 7 years to get involved and haven't. So there probably isn't anything there between them other than friendship.

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You seem very insecure. You've dated him or known him 6 weeks, that's really nothing. They've had many years of friendship, of course anyone emotionally healthy would prioritise their long term friendship over someone they just met. It's a no brainer.

 

Let the uneasiness go, if you can't, it's best not to continue.

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I will just say that if this is something you know you will never be comfortable with ending it now would be best. You don't want to be the girl who puts demands (whether passive aggressively or outright stated) on her bf to alter a 7 year friendship. I don't think that's a battle you will win.

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Listen closely enough to yourself and I think you'll see you're answering your own question.

 

Fact is 6 weeks vs. 7 years on its own means he's of course going to prioritize his friend over you. I'd say the same thing were she a guy friend of his. Now I don't know if it's the norm for you or if it's just because she happens to be a woman, but the fact you seem to already be getting territorial over his weekend plans when you're, relatively speaking, just a small blip in his life isn't a good sign at all. Especially when just starting out, I scheduled dates around my every day life and friends, not the other way around. It'd be a serious red flag if I knew a lady I'd been seeing all but 6 weeks was put off by not being consulted of her plans before making some with my friends.

 

All that out of the way, as indea08 pretty much puts it, it is what it is. The friend's not going away. If you think you've got the emotional maturity to genuinely hang out with him and her without using it as an opportunity to make a tug-o-war bout of it, I'd say give that a shot. Otherwise, you might be better off with a guy who's got more rigid boundaries when it comes to opposite sex friends. Fact is there are enough guys out there who don't have such a close bond with a lady friend to where it's an obstacle course you probably don't need to try to run. And, like indea, while I really don't think he's doing anything wrong having this close friendship, I'd probably prefer to consider other candidates in light of it.

 

I agree with most of what j.man said. My preference would be to talk with this guy and ask where this 7 year friendship is going. The fact that they are the opposite gender isn't as big a deal as the previous flirty messages. If my significant other was having flirty messages, even if with the same gender, I would ask why they haven't gotten together in 7 years and remained friends? Why even start dating someone else when you have this going on. The gender doesn't matter, the attraction does. Friends don't work well as friends when either is attracted to the other.

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Sometimes flirty behaviour serves to keep a relationship within close boundaries; if these were from a long time ago I wouldn't think anything of it. Seven years is longer than some marriages last, and if anything was going to happen it would have done so by now.

 

When I first met my current partner he had various female friends that he'd see 1:1 initially; then as our relationship progressed I'd be invited too. If he prevents you from meeting her at all, keeps the friendship in a separate box, and is still prioritising her over you six months down the line then I'd let him go.

 

For now, though, see if you can meet on Sunday and have a great time!

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It always bums me out that insecurity would make people throw away otherwise fun relationships. But more than that the narrative that straight men and women can't be friends is sad. I think it ends up hurting our culture deeply. If men can only be the children of women and the partners of women it leaves this gaping hole where women aren't good for anything else. When I meet a guy who has no close female friends I'm worried. It's important to me that the men in my life can have close non-romantic relationships with women. To me that shows that they can value women outside of the roles or partner or mother. The idea that men and women can't be friends end up separating and isolating along gender lines. Men who have close female friends don't get as trapped in sexist cultural thinking because women CAN be more then sex/romantic objects or care givers. It's way easier to respect a whole gender when you are buddies with them. It's way easier to fall into RedPill, PUA, treating women like objects, when you don't have women in your life.

 

OP everyone is right. It's your choice. If you can't handle a friendship then let him find someone who can. Maybe even someone who can be excited about his ability to be close to women.

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I didn't specify in the OP but when he said that he has plans on Saturday, he told he will be "out all day". He normally tells me exactly what he is doing and I do the same. It took some questioning for him to admit that it's actually that female friend. I have never mentioned anything about being bothered by her. I guess that secrecy also bugs me.

 

I do realize that 6 weeks isn't long but he tells me basically what he does all the time in great detail and is only vague when concerning this friend. He never really talks about her or their friendship but is open about every other aspect of his life.

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I can understand how that would cause you to wonder.

 

Have you ever seen them interact together, in person?

 

Sometimes what looks like flirtation isn't flirtation but a level of comfort. When I was first dating my boyfriend, he got really angry when a male friend of mine reached over and felt the lapel of my jacket, which was velvet. My boyfriend saw it as flirtation, and also as an affront to him (my boyfriend) since my friend did this right in front of his face. But it wasn't flirtation, or claim-staking, or anything like that. It was just a guy who has been like a brother to me absent-mindedly wondering about the fabric of my jacket and reaching over to investigate. It took a little while but my boyfriend eventually came to accept that this was really a platonic friend. He actually really likes my friend now.

 

If you haven't met her yet, maybe ask to meet her. You may feel differently after getting to know her a little better

 

It's way easier to respect a whole gender when you are buddies with them.

 

I think this is true. Although I have to say that my boyfriend doesn't have any close female friends (except for me), but fully respects women nonetheless.

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I started dating this guy about 6 weeks ago. We usually see each other 2-3 times a week and he calls me on the phone every night. He seems super into me - basically a dream guy. Consistent, attentive, never canceled a date. We have also been exclusive since date 2. He made a big speech about not multi-dating and that it feels "just wrong" to date more than one person at once.

 

My problem is that he has a lot of female friends and one that he is particularly close to. They chat on whatsapp all day long. They also spend nearly a full day together every 2 weeks or so. They usually go hiking. It doesn't help that she is very attractive. They have known each other for 7 years. I went back some years on social media and have found lots of very flirty pictures of them. It's clear that they are/were attracted to each other. She is also not currently in a relationship.

 

I guess what upset me is that this weekend we had plans to do something (although didn't specify the day). He suddenly tells me that he is unavailable all day Saturday because he is going hiking with this friend. He didn't even ask me what my plans are first before making firm plans with this friend, almost like he is priorotizing her over me.

 

I know it's early days and I don't want to ruin this with being paranoid so any advice would be appreciated.

 

I also don't won't to invest myself more only to get hurt later.

 

Honestly, I would have a problem and its not for the reasons others may think.

 

He told you he was "going to be out all day" and didn't immediately say "i already made plans with my friend X". You had to get it out of him.

This friend is so important that he spends the whole day with her EVERY TWO WEEKS - and he has NOT introduced her to you?? To me, if I had a close male friend, the first thing i would do once i started dating or getting exclusive with someone is that i would make sure the guy i was dating was INTRODUCED to my male friend. If my boyfriend is important to me, I'd want my friends to meet him and to see for himself my guy friends. I would also be INCLUDING my boyfriend - i would skip the "day with my guyfriend and invite the guyfriend out to dinner or hiking with US.

 

When people get exclusive - opposite sex friends take a back seat. If he is talking to her all day long by text AND every other week is spending the WHOLE DAY together - she is in very heavy rotation. I mean - if she were a guy friend - texting all day long would be a little much, as well.

 

I don't like starting out on a secretive note (not wanting to say at first where he was going) and i do think they are too tight.

 

If he doesn't introduce you to his friend soon, and also start to pull back on the "daylong trip every other week" with her in favor of rotating other friends into the mix or doing more with you and spending less time with her -- i would be suspicious

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It took some questioning for him to admit that it's actually that female friend
How did this line of questioning go? It may change my mind on what I follow up with if he was especially elusive. Also, have you expressed an adverse reaction to him regarding this woman before?

 

I don't agree (rare moment when it comes to abitbroken) that it was a secretive move on his part. I'm generally pretty specific about conflicting plans when turning someone down, but there are times I'm vague and honestly for no real reason. I certainly hope no one's interpreting that as some sort of deception on my end. Also, 6 weeks (a bit over a month), I'm not sure about opposite sex friends taking a back seat, or even about introducing them to a best friend. Maybe I pace myself slower than others, but I don't see anything intrinsically wrong or shady about his behavior. Certainly and understandably not everyone's cup of tea in terms of his boundaries, but still doing about as right by you as you're entitled to him being so early in. If you need more or something different, the cards are on the table. No room to blame him really.

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I didn't specify in the OP but when he said that he has plans on Saturday, he told he will be "out all day". He normally tells me exactly what he is doing and I do the same. It took some questioning for him to admit that it's actually that female friend. I have never mentioned anything about being bothered by her. I guess that secrecy also bugs me.

 

I do realize that 6 weeks isn't long but he tells me basically what he does all the time in great detail and is only vague when concerning this friend. He never really talks about her or their friendship but is open about every other aspect of his life.

Just a possibility, but maybe you've given off some vibes of insecurity and disapproval about this woman and he's picked up on them. If so that could explain why he isn't so forthcoming about her.

 

I agree with the others; if something were going to happen between them it would have by now. And he doesn't owe it to you to make sure you can make other plans on Saturday before he makes his own. You can't demand that he end his friendship with her, so you'll have to decide whether or not this is something you can handle. It sounds as if your burgeoning relationship us going well so far, so I personally wouldn't toss it aside, but some people just can't handle their partners having close opposite sex friendships. If that's you, well...

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At 1.5 months, you are barely dating. I wouldn't expect to be introduced to his friends and I certainly wouldn't expect to be consulted about weekend plans before he makes any. OP, I think you are getting way ahead of yourself here. You are also up against a 7 year long friendship. I wouldn't get into that fight. Either you are cool with it or you need to dump him. In your shoes, I wouldn't be so quick to toss him aside and I would adjust my attitude to a more appropriate level for where you should be at, at 1.5 months of dating. As in you are barely getting to know each other. He owes you nothing but a few nice dates at this point.

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How did this line of questioning go? It may change my mind on what I follow up with if he was especially elusive. Also, have you expressed an adverse reaction to him regarding this woman before?

 

I don't agree (rare moment when it comes to abitbroken) that it was a secretive move on his part. I'm generally pretty specific about conflicting plans when turning someone down, but there are times I'm vague and honestly for no real reason. I certainly hope no one's interpreting that as some sort of deception on my end. Also, 6 weeks (a bit over a month), I'm not sure about opposite sex friends taking a back seat, or even about introducing them to a best friend. Maybe I pace myself slower than others, but I don't see anything intrinsically wrong or shady about his behavior. Certainly and understandably not everyone's cup of tea in terms of his boundaries, but still doing about as right by you as you're entitled to him being so early in. If you need more or something different, the cards are on the table. No room to blame him really.

 

I have never expressed my disaproaval because he never mentioned her and I didn't either. 2 weeks ago, he also randomly said that he would be "out all day". No specifics and I didn't hear from him that day at all. He normally texts all day. I later saw on social media that he was with her. I said nothing but it didn't sit well with me.

 

This time, it was again "out all day". I said "Out as in what plans do you have? Maybe we could meet in the evening". He said: "Going hiking with a friend and then I should really visit my parents, I haven't seen them in a while so I am afraid I am not free in the evening either". I said "Is it a female friend? I mean you can tell me these things". He said "Yeah, we have known each other for years". He suggested Sunday and I said that I made plans with a female friend for Sunday but will see if I can reschedule. He replied "That would be so great because I really want to see you this weekend". That kind of pissed me off as he didn't even mention rescheduling his plans. He could have easily moved visit to the parents for Sunday (if that part if even true). So then I told him that my friend couldn't reschedule and he just went "oh that sucks, I will see you next week".

 

I just get a bad vibe.

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At 1.5 months, you are barely dating. I wouldn't expect to be introduced to his friends and I certainly wouldn't expect to be consulted about weekend plans before he makes any. OP, I think you are getting way ahead of yourself here. You are also up against a 7 year long friendship. I wouldn't get into that fight. Either you are cool with it or you need to dump him. In your shoes, I wouldn't be so quick to toss him aside and I would adjust my attitude to a more appropriate level for where you should be at, at 1.5 months of dating. As in you are barely getting to know each other. He owes you nothing but a few nice dates at this point.

 

I am not planning to put up a fight at all. I am seriously considering just ending it.

 

I am not very secure person and just worry that this situation will cause me a lot of stress and anxiety in the future. His generally evasive communication style on the top of it is also a problem.

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I don't think he was being evasive at all other than employing some pretty basic social tact by not saying, "Sorry, chica. Hanging out with a FEMALE friend that day."

 

I think you're reaching for reasons to be apprehensive when fact is he could send you a Google Calendar for all their meets and a written log of the happenings during each and you'd still be unhappy with him being this close to her.

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If you get a bad vibe, then go with your gut. The gut is good.

 

With the added info I kind of agree with ^. The flip side of early going is that you are still vigilant and not so attached that you can't walk away. In other words, you are still fairly objective to the fact that if something stinks like a rotten fish, it's probably a rotten fish.

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I believe in listening to your gut but not necessarily being blindly obedient to it. I had an ex who would get "gut feelings" all the time about things that weren't true and it lead to all kinds of arguments. She would insist that the sky was green and no amount of convincing by me could change her mind because "she wasn't crazy."

 

I would say that what your gut is sending alarm bells over is pretty rational on some level--your new boyfriend is choosing to spend time and attention on another woman, and an attractive one at that. It's part of our hard-wiring to recognize potential mating rivals. However, again, why aren't those two just together then? Why even start a relationship with you only to carry on an affair with a woman who he's known seven years?

 

Only two possibilities come to mind of things you may need to worry about here:

 

1.) She has a boyfriend and something really is going on, but they have to keep it on the down low.

 

Or

 

2.) He's friendzoned but still secretly wants her and is foolishly still thinking he'll get his chance.

 

Neither of those seem incredibly likely, however, especially scenario two. If that were the case I'd think he would have given up a long time ago.

 

I haven't read anything aggregious in his behavior from your posts; slightly questionable at absolute worst. And really, there may be a reason why he couldn't see his parents on Sunday.

 

I think ending things over this would be rash and you may really regret it. I'd really give him the benefit of the doubt while keeping your eyes open. It's also OK to talk to him about your concerns, just don't be accusatory or tell hin what to do.

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The problem is this guy has come on super strong. He talks about his strong feelings for me and long term future all day long. Yet he is consistently choosing to spend whole days with this other woman. I would think that when you meet someone that you are that smitten with, those friends tend to take a back seat. It may not be wise or smart but that's human nature. The fact that he is still strongly prioritizing her is a sign that he is not being fully honest of his level of interest for me.

 

I mean, in his situation I would text "Hey Julie, how about Sunday instead or maybe next week?" It would be no biggie. Yet he is actually choosing to do that to me. Something doesn't add up.

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We really can't help you much with this. It's ultimately up to you whether or not you can handle your boyfriend being very close with other women.

 

Many people could not handle it (I couldn't), and I'm sure many people could. So, there is no one right answer, there's only what's right for you. And you will have to make that decision.

 

Maybe try spending some time with the both of them together and see how the situation feels to you, then decide if you can continue seeing him. No one would blame you for walking away. Just remember the bottom line. Remember the type of relationship you want for yourself long term, and decide if this one could be it.

 

I’m GOP establishment

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In my humble opinion, he needs to better describe his relationship with this girl to put you at ease. That is what I would do, if my best friend was a male and I was busy scheduling all day hikes with him at the expense of hanging out with my boyfriend. I would flat out ask if they ever dated, then, I would ask if he sure there is no romantic interest on her part (assume there is none on his, it wouldn't make much sense for him to be with you, if there was). If that chases him away, because he doesn't like the grilling, then so be it. You have your answer and you can move on. How would he like it if you went on an all day hike with your hottie best guy friend? I bet he would have questions.

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