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Thread: My new boyfriend has a close attractive female friend

  1. #1
    Shorthaired
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    My new boyfriend has a close attractive female friend

    I started dating this guy about 6 weeks ago. We usually see each other 2-3 times a week and he calls me on the phone every night. He seems super into me - basically a dream guy. Consistent, attentive, never canceled a date. We have also been exclusive since date 2. He made a big speech about not multi-dating and that it feels "just wrong" to date more than one person at once.

    My problem is that he has a lot of female friends and one that he is particularly close to. They chat on whatsapp all day long. They also spend nearly a full day together every 2 weeks or so. They usually go hiking. It doesn't help that she is very attractive. They have known each other for 7 years. I went back some years on social media and have found lots of very flirty pictures of them. It's clear that they are/were attracted to each other. She is also not currently in a relationship.

    I guess what upset me is that this weekend we had plans to do something (although didn't specify the day). He suddenly tells me that he is unavailable all day Saturday because he is going hiking with this friend. He didn't even ask me what my plans are first before making firm plans with this friend, almost like he is priorotizing her over me.

    I know it's early days and I don't want to ruin this with being paranoid so any advice would be appreciated.

    I also don't won't to invest myself more only to get hurt later.

  2. #2
    indea08
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    We really can't help you much with this. It's ultimately up to you whether or not you can handle your boyfriend being very close with other women.

    Many people could not handle it (I couldn't), and I'm sure many people could. So, there is no one right answer, there's only what's right for you. And you will have to make that decision.

    Maybe try spending some time with the both of them together and see how the situation feels to you, then decide if you can continue seeing him. No one would blame you for walking away. Just remember the bottom line. Remember the type of relationship you want for yourself long term, and decide if this one could be it.

  3. #3
    j.man
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    I also don't won't to invest myself more only to get hurt later.
    Listen closely enough to yourself and I think you'll see you're answering your own question.

    Fact is 6 weeks vs. 7 years on its own means he's of course going to prioritize his friend over you. I'd say the same thing were she a guy friend of his. Now I don't know if it's the norm for you or if it's just because she happens to be a woman, but the fact you seem to already be getting territorial over his weekend plans when you're, relatively speaking, just a small blip in his life isn't a good sign at all. Especially when just starting out, I scheduled dates around my every day life and friends, not the other way around. It'd be a serious red flag if I knew a lady I'd been seeing all but 6 weeks was put off by not being consulted of her plans before making some with my friends.

    All that out of the way, as indea08 pretty much puts it, it is what it is. The friend's not going away. If you think you've got the emotional maturity to genuinely hang out with him and her without using it as an opportunity to make a tug-o-war bout of it, I'd say give that a shot. Otherwise, you might be better off with a guy who's got more rigid boundaries when it comes to opposite sex friends. Fact is there are enough guys out there who don't have such a close bond with a lady friend to where it's an obstacle course you probably don't need to try to run. And, like indea, while I really don't think he's doing anything wrong having this close friendship, I'd probably prefer to consider other candidates in light of it.

  4. #4
    DancingFool
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    Seeing each other 2-3 times per week when you've barely met 6 weeks ago is already spending a whole lot of time together, not to mention that you talk daily. Sounds almost like you've skipped dating and jumped straight into a relationship. With that said, I think it's healthy to actually spend some time apart and prioritize activities with friends at least some of the time before you burn each other out with too much too soon. You should actually remember that you have friends and other things to do too and go and do them.

    As for this friend....they've had 7 years to get involved and haven't. So there probably isn't anything there between them other than friendship.

  5. #5
    Honeycomb8
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    You seem very insecure. You've dated him or known him 6 weeks, that's really nothing. They've had many years of friendship, of course anyone emotionally healthy would prioritise their long term friendship over someone they just met. It's a no brainer.

    Let the uneasiness go, if you can't, it's best not to continue.

  6. #6
    shessofly
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    I will just say that if this is something you know you will never be comfortable with ending it now would be best. You don't want to be the girl who puts demands (whether passive aggressively or outright stated) on her bf to alter a 7 year friendship. I don't think that's a battle you will win.

  7. #7
    Mari
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    Quote Originally Posted by j.man [Register to see the link]
    Listen closely enough to yourself and I think you'll see you're answering your own question.

    Fact is 6 weeks vs. 7 years on its own means he's of course going to prioritize his friend over you. I'd say the same thing were she a guy friend of his. Now I don't know if it's the norm for you or if it's just because she happens to be a woman, but the fact you seem to already be getting territorial over his weekend plans when you're, relatively speaking, just a small blip in his life isn't a good sign at all. Especially when just starting out, I scheduled dates around my every day life and friends, not the other way around. It'd be a serious red flag if I knew a lady I'd been seeing all but 6 weeks was put off by not being consulted of her plans before making some with my friends.

    All that out of the way, as indea08 pretty much puts it, it is what it is. The friend's not going away. If you think you've got the emotional maturity to genuinely hang out with him and her without using it as an opportunity to make a tug-o-war bout of it, I'd say give that a shot. Otherwise, you might be better off with a guy who's got more rigid boundaries when it comes to opposite sex friends. Fact is there are enough guys out there who don't have such a close bond with a lady friend to where it's an obstacle course you probably don't need to try to run. And, like indea, while I really don't think he's doing anything wrong having this close friendship, I'd probably prefer to consider other candidates in light of it.
    I agree with most of what j.man said. My preference would be to talk with this guy and ask where this 7 year friendship is going. The fact that they are the opposite gender isn't as big a deal as the previous flirty messages. If my significant other was having flirty messages, even if with the same gender, I would ask why they haven't gotten together in 7 years and remained friends? Why even start dating someone else when you have this going on. The gender doesn't matter, the attraction does. Friends don't work well as friends when either is attracted to the other.

  8. #8
    nutbrownhare
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    Sometimes flirty behaviour serves to keep a relationship within close boundaries; if these were from a long time ago I wouldn't think anything of it. Seven years is longer than some marriages last, and if anything was going to happen it would have done so by now.

    When I first met my current partner he had various female friends that he'd see 1:1 initially; then as our relationship progressed I'd be invited too. If he prevents you from meeting her at all, keeps the friendship in a separate box, and is still prioritising her over you six months down the line then I'd let him go.

    For now, though, see if you can meet on Sunday and have a great time!

  9. #9
    rosephase
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    It always bums me out that insecurity would make people throw away otherwise fun relationships. But more than that the narrative that straight men and women can't be friends is sad. I think it ends up hurting our culture deeply. If men can only be the children of women and the partners of women it leaves this gaping hole where women aren't good for anything else. When I meet a guy who has no close female friends I'm worried. It's important to me that the men in my life can have close non-romantic relationships with women. To me that shows that they can value women outside of the roles or partner or mother. The idea that men and women can't be friends end up separating and isolating along gender lines. Men who have close female friends don't get as trapped in sexist cultural thinking because women CAN be more then sex/romantic objects or care givers. It's way easier to respect a whole gender when you are buddies with them. It's way easier to fall into RedPill, PUA, treating women like objects, when you don't have women in your life.

    OP everyone is right. It's your choice. If you can't handle a friendship then let him find someone who can. Maybe even someone who can be excited about his ability to be close to women.

  10. #10
    nutbrownhare
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    Yes... I work on the premise that a guy who doesn't like women is ultimately not going to like ME!

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