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Thread: My partner’s over “self-pleasure” is ruining our sex life

  1. #1
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    My partner’s over “self-pleasure” is ruining our sex life

    *contains sexual content*
    My fiancé and I have lived together for 2 years. He is lovely in so many ways and cooks/cleans daily as i am extremely busy with my career, as he has more spare time. He is thoughtful and kind to me, but we do have our differences as every couple does.
    One issue/argument that has come up more than once is related to our sex life. My opinion on masturbation is that it is healthy, I do it often, and I think it’s okay for my partner to do too. (Although I don’t want to know when he’s doing it and would prefer he do it when I’m not home - I only do it when he’s not home). I have walked in on him masturbating a few times, which always bothers me because each time I’ve caught him, he didn’t try to have sex with me first. His sex drive is higher than mine so it’s fair that he self-pleasures more than me. But when I’m at home, not busy and horny too? It makes me feel as though my sexual needs aren’t being met, and that he’d rather go watch porn than engage in intimacy with me. And each time I’ve caught him, I’ve told him how it makes me feel and have asked him to initiate it with me first if I’m home instead of resorting to his hand. He always says ok, then uses an excuse like he thought I’d be tired or that I wouldn’t want to, and then I catch him again a few weeks later.
    The other day I got really upset - we finally had a mutual day off. We slept in, were laying awake in bed together and he went to use the washroom. When he came back to the room, I initiated sex. And he couldn’t get hard. When I asked him why, he admitted it was because he had literally just masturbated when he said he had to go to the bathroom. It hurt me and I felt like he was being unfair, because I feel as though our sex life is suffering because of how often he masturbates. His excuse was that he thought I was still on my period. (Even though he’s always fine with having sex while I’m on my period.)
    So I got pretty upset. Especially because right before I got my period I tried to have sex with him and he couldn’t get hard, he said it was because he’d already masturbated 5 times that day while I was at work and he had the day off. (And assumed I wouldn’t want to have sex when I got home). So that’s twice in a few days that I didn’t get my sexual needs met because of his masturbation habits.
    Again, we had the same conversation as always where I asked him to ask me first next time and to not assume that I don’t want to have sex. The argument got heated this time and he said things like “well you can’t get me off quickly because you’re not good at giving bj’s” and “when you’re on top you go fast and then slow right before I’m about to cum so it takes me so long to get off when we have sex.” He totally turned the topic around onto me as though our sex sucks and it’s my fault.
    In the end we agreed to start communicating better in the bedroom with what we like/don’t like so it can be more enjoyable for the both of us, but I was still hurt by what he had said and still skeptical that he will change his masturbating habits.
    Is this normal? Is it my fault for not being good in bed? Is it reasonable for me to ask him to try and have sex with me before going straight to his hand? SOS!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Maybe you could have a "Master of Your Own Domain" contest ala Seinfield wherein the two of you have a bet as to who can go the longest without wanking off?

    Maybe if he's not choking the chicken every five minutes, he'll seek you out for a release. In the meantime you have a competition going on where he may feel he has some motivation to lay off himself.

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    Member ImokIthink's Avatar
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    Curious to know what kind of porn this guy is watching that he frequently engages in such activities when he has a woman who's more than willing to participate in sex as much as he would..?? This seems strange that he's almost avoiding sexual activities with you to masturbate at such frequency. This is not normal but how often did y'all partake in sex before his quest of masturbation? I don't think its a question of being reasonable, I think there may be something that needs to be addressed, especially as you've described he gets out of bed without initiating anything with you just to go do that. That's not behavior that's normal when you two are looking to tie the knot in the future.

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    So immediately prior to having sex with you, he went into bathroom and jerked off?

    Returns to bed and claims he can't get hard?

    Good gawd, this is beyond selfish and total DB behavior.

    Sounds like he has a masturbation addiction, five times in one day?

    All addictions are difficult to kick, but he first must recognize that's what's happening, and have a desire to kick it.

    If he doesn't wish to kick it, for the good of your relationship, then you have a big problem I'm afraid that goes way beyond him not wanting to have sex with you.

    The fact he blames you for what amounts to his dysfunction/addiction and/or lack of desire that he refuses to recognize and take steps to resolve, would be a dealbreaker for me.

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    If I can ask - if he can't get hard when you initiate sex, does he try to pleasure you by hands etc. instead? Or for example does he encourage you to masturbate while he kisses you and so on? Or it's just it, and you end up not having any sexual activity?

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    We used to have sex 3/4 times a week, give or take. And lately it’s only been once every week (give or take.) Our schedules are pretty opposite prior to when we had more sex. But it seems as though lately whenever we have the opportunity, he already took care of himself. And he says he watches “normal” porn, nothing super freaky. Sometimes he said he doesn’t even watch porn and just uses his imagination...

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    I’ve asked him before if he thinks maybe he has an addction, he said that he just has a high sex drive. And it never used to affect our sex life until just recently. Seems like whenever we do have the opportunity to be intimate, I’m too late because he’s already taken care of himself.

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    Him not being able to get hard is just a recent thing that’s been happening, but at that point when he can’t get hard and admits he masturbated, I’m usually just too frustrated/upset to continue, so maybe if I ask (if this happens again) he would still try to satisfy me. That’s a good idea!

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    I wonder how it would be like if you were comfortable masturbating around each other. If he really is addicted and not just a bad boyfriend, and wants to work on your intimate life, maybe it would be a good idea to do stuff together more? For example: he's horny, so he initiates sex with you, you're not feeling it, so he takes care of himself with your encouragement and caress, that creates some intimacy and not this separation between porn life and romantic life that so many men suffer from these days. Or you watch porn together if he feels like he needs that kind of stimulation from time to time. But he would need to know first that he has something to work on.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Kathryndouglas
    I’ve asked him before if he thinks maybe he has an addction, he said that he just has a high sex drive. And it never used to affect our sex life until just recently. Seems like whenever we do have the opportunity to be intimate, I’m too late because he’s already taken care of himself.
    Never ask an addict if they have an addiction, unless they're in recovery.

    It's very typical for addicts to deny having an addiction, just look at his behavior?

    Come on.

    Five times a day, running off to bathroom to jerk off prior to having real live sex with a woman he claims to love, what would you call it?

    It has only recently affected your sex life because as with all addictions, it's escalated.

    Now to the point he may even be incapable of getting hard with a real live woman.

    He can only get off through masturbation. He may realize this, but embarrassed to admit, which is is why he ran off to bathroom to jerk off, so he could use that as an excuse to not have sex..

    When the truth may be he is unable to get hard with a real woman.

    Conduct some research on Google. Lots of articles about it.

    Tips to kick it, IF he wants to.

    But if he's in denial and refuses to even acknowledge he has a problem, then don't what to tell ya.

    ETA: Does he show affection in other ways? Does he cuddle up, kiss you, rub your back (for example)?
    Last edited by katrina1980; 11-12-2017 at 07:59 PM.

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