Help! I think my husband's friend (who claims he is gay) is falling for me....

My husband recently reconnected with a friend of his from the military. They served in the Army together and he is in town visiting his sister, she just had a baby. He wanted to come over and meet me, so my husband invited him over to have dinner. We chatted a lot and he (I'll call him Chad) and I hit it off. We laughed and had a great evening together. I added Chad on facebook and he messaged me his cell number. My husband has access to my facebook, and I am completely dedicated to him. He encourages my friendship with Chad, because Chad doesn't have many friends. Chad also told my husband that he is gay, but single right now. About a week after he came over to visit, Chad called me and we talked about some different projects he is working on. My husband was home and I gave the phone to him for a while as well. We all chatted for a couple hours, which is uncharacteristic of me, I hate talking on the phone. The next week, we invited him to go out with us to the movies, he came along and then we went to dinner. The entire time we were at dinner, Chad stared at me. He kept looking at me and never broke eye contact. I've never had anyone look at me that way before. When we left, he gave me two big hugs (he also hugged my husband). I kept thinking I was crazy, because he is gay... but then he sent me an email about how he has been alone for a while, and no girl OR guy has wanted to date him in a long time. After dinner on Saturday, he just went silent. My husband texted him and asked him to hang out with us, but he said that he is having some troubles right now, that he is struggling. Then he asked him again to come by last night for supper, and he again declined. I can't help but get the feeling that there is something else going on here. My gut tells me there is more to this than what I am seeing. I care for Chad a lot, as a friend. But I'm wondering if this is getting to be a mess. Advice please, what is Chad thinking? What's going on here?

I read an article about having platonic loves recently. Yesterday maybe. Anyway, a lesbian woman backed away from a male friend who cared deeply about her because she couldn't distinguish between platonic love and romantic love. Shortly thereafter, this friend died from cancer and she's lived with the regret since.

Chad is probably gay. I don't know many people who lie about it, much less lie about it to get at their buddy's wife. What I'm betting is happening is he'a feeling immensely lonely and misunderstood and he feels deep gratitude for the friendship you're offering.

If he makes you uncomfortable, ask him about it. But don't back away from a friendship to someone who is so clearly lonely.

You're so right. I don't want him to feel bad. I really care for him a lot, I just don't understand why he went silent suddenly. Isn't responding to texts, emails, etc. It's strange. I don't want to be a pest. I guess just wait until he responds and don't bug him.

The entire time we were at dinner, Chad stared at me. He kept looking at me and never broke eye contact. I've never had anyone look at me that way before. When we left, he gave me two big hugs (he also hugged my husband). I kept thinking I was crazy, because he is gay... but then he sent me an email about how he has been alone for a while, and no girl OR guy has wanted to date him in a long time.

I'm sorry, but I get the impression that you're skating on thin ice. I'll just say "be careful, and think about what you could potentially lose."

JMO...

I agree! I am trying to be a friend, but I don't want to encourage him to cross a line. I would never give up my husband or my marriage. I made vows and I meant them.

If you legitimately feel uncomfortable, just bring it up!

"I really value our friendship and I hope you know that our relationship is purely platonic. I love my husband and fully plan to honor my wedding vows"

You don't have to be a passive participant here.

Is this Chad falling for you, or is it the other way around?

Adding to what everyone has already said ..he might be feeling a bit jealous ..not of you per se , but of the togetherness you and your husband have and spending time with you both may have really brought it home to him and after every evening spent with you both , he goes home alone ....loneliness is right up there with the shocking emotions one can have !

What does your hubby think ?

Sometimes hanging around with a couple can amplify a single person's loneliness because it presents a contrast to one's solos state. I'd back off and allow husband to be the driver of this particular friendship.

You've only just recently met him. It could be anything. It might have nothing to do with you at all, just a coincidence. Maybe it's normal for him to occasionally distance himself.

Based on your description, it's hard to say whether he is falling for you or not, or why he was looking at you that night. He might have had a lot on his mind and not realized that he was staring. He may have been looking at you as a placeholder for someone else, thinking, "Look how happy my friend is. I hope I find a companion like susan12345, who makes me happy, too."

If it does come down to him being attracted to you, you can tell him "no." And if he spirals into depression as a result, you can be supportive without crossing any boundaries.

Well, since he claims to be gay, I don't think any lines have been crossed yet. However, I wouldn't totally let your guard down here. He might actually be bi. And honestly, if you start developing romantic feelings for him I don't think it matters if he's gay - that's just unhealthy. If a true romantic connection happens I think you will know it and should dial it back a ton should that occur.

I think that your husband should not have encouraged you to be so friendly - you don't really know the guy, but introduced him to a network of other friends. I think you got too close too fast with this guy and whether gay or straight - if he declines invites, invite another time, then leave him alone and let him come back to the 2 of you when he is ready. I think things were too intense too soon - instead of meeting him and him coming over and then a few weeks later inviting him out with friends, it seems that he became in frequent rotation rather quickly Don't become a therapist or a detective, just let it go. He is not really your close friend - you just had a long conversation or two. Also, you could be reading into it. he could have just been telling you he is trying to date and maybe he declines because he is on dates with someone.

Rereading it, I think you should stop inviting him out with the two of you, and you should encourage your husband to see him one on one for coffee or something - just the two guys. remove yourself from the package deal.

Rereading it, I think you should stop inviting him out with the two of you, and you should encourage your husband to see him one on one for coffee or something - just the two guys. remove yourself from the package deal.

Say he is gay.

Why is it acceptable for him to hang out with a male companion instead of a female one?

In theory, a female friend would be the most platonic option possible. Right?

Say he is gay.

 

Why is it acceptable for him to hang out with a male companion instead of a female one?

 

In theory, a female friend would be the most platonic option possible. Right?

My focus in leaving this alone to let husband drive it wouldn't be about censoring the guy's exposure to either of us, but rather allowing the original friendship between the two men to operate on it's own without my interference--and without my assumptions.

Say he is gay.

 

Why is it acceptable for him to hang out with a male companion instead of a female one?

 

In theory, a female friend would be the most platonic option possible. Right?

The husband and the guy are friends as the primary friendship and she was introduced later - but when she was introduced - the guy intensely latched on to her.

My focus in leaving this alone to let husband drive it wouldn't be about censoring the guy's exposure to either of us, but rather allowing the original friendship between the two men to operate on it's own without my interference--and without my assumptions.

That's what i was getting at. The husband and a guy had a relationship similar to two old classmates. it wouldn't be out of line if they caught up every now and then. Its fine for her to be included, but it got intense quickly.

A straight female/straight female friendship or any friendship can get way too intense too quickly. Its not just the fact that he is a man.