After a disagreement...

Does it matter if 1 partner always initiates communication after an argument?

Well surely it is a good thing , cos if neither did then stale mate has commenced ..or have I read it wrong

Context matters. Who's regularly starting the arguments, over what, how one or both behaved during it, etc. To be honest, if you're arguing enough you can actually notice something like who's the one who initiates conversation after, that's its own and much more important big problem.

Well surely it is a good thing , cos if neither did then stale mate has commenced ..or have I read it wrong

I see what you mean because that's a breakdown in communication. I meant, if one partner always initiates communication after an argument but feels it's not fair that he/she always has to be the one to do it.

I see what you mean because that's a breakdown in communication. I meant, if one partner always initiates communication after an argument but feels it's not fair that he/she always has to be the one to do it.

ahh well I think that is what j is getting at ...

It should really be the person who instigated it , but it never works out that simply

Are you always apologising to keep the peace ?

ahh well I think that is what j is getting at ...

 

It should really be the person who instigated it , but it never works out that simply

 

Are you always apologising to keep the peace ?

Actually I'm the one who waits for him to initiate communication LOL. If we have a disagreement and I feel uncomfortable I usually pull back. He then reestablishes communication (usually within 24 hours) but I do that because I'm rarely the one starting/pointing out an issue. But I'm also not as expressive as he is. He said it makes him feel like he always has to chase me and that I'm ready to give up if things get tough. I thought I communicated a lot better than this LOL!

haha oh well I like your honesty

What are the answers to his queries ? would you ever initiate ? How far would you let this go on ? Would you actually walk away if you didn't hear from him ?

i think that it's something to be discussed when you're both calm and the person who might feel resentful about it should bring it up.

haha oh well I like your honesty

 

What are the answers to his queries ? would you ever initiate ? How far would you let this go on ? Would you actually walk away if you didn't hear from him ?

I can initiate, but I assume that his response will be words in aggravation or anger (which may not actually be the case) and I try to avoid that at all costs.

I can be honest and say that I probably would let it drag out over a few days (probably 3 or more), which isn't good.

Would I walk away? No, but if I didn't hear from him, and waited days but by the time I reached out he got fed up and broke up or didn't respond, I'd be devastated. So basically, this could be avoided by not waiting for him to initiate all the time.

These were such great questions and really made me realize I need to take a closer look at how I communicate in a relationship. I'm lucky that he's such a great communicator and can express how my actions affect his feelings so well. I think I have to confront that I need to stop thinking that just because he may be aggravated or angry with me about something doesn't mean he's going to leave.

i think that it's something to be discussed when you're both calm and the person who might feel resentful about it should bring it up.

That's what I thought too (that and I don't want to have to hear an angry response), but apparently he needs someone to "talk him down" so to speak.

I can initiate, but I assume that his response will be words in aggravation or anger (which may not actually be the case) and I try to avoid that at all costs.

 

I can be honest and say that I probably would let it drag out over a few days (probably 3 or more), which isn't good.

 

Would I walk away? No, but if I didn't hear from him, and waited days but by the time I reached out he got fed up and broke up or didn't respond, I'd be devastated. So basically, this could be avoided by not waiting for him to initiate all the time.

 

 

These were such great questions and really made me realize I need to take a closer look at how I communicate in a relationship. I'm lucky that he's such a great communicator and can express how my actions affect his feelings so well. I think I have to confront that I need to stop thinking that just because he may be aggravated or angry with me about something doesn't mean he's going to leave.

So all this is coming from a place of fear and I have actually been there , wondering all the time if *he * will leave just because he is angry ...But for me there was no smoke without fire ...I think I got that way because I was in abusive relationships and one in particular would actually just walk out , not just for a day or two but like for 3 weeks .....but that made me overly apologetic .

It sounds like he just wants you to not let the argument run it's full course all of the time and go into rinse repeat , and would rather you speak up there and then and both try and diffuse things before it gets to a point where someone needs to aplogise or wonder who it is going to be .

So all this is coming from a place of fear and I have actually been there , wondering all the time if *he * will leave just because he is angry ...But for me there was no smoke with fire ...I think I got that way because I was in abusive relationships and one in particular would actually just walk about , not just for a day or two but like for 3 weeks .....but that made me overly apologetic .

 

It sounds like he just wants you to not let the argument run it's full course all of the time and go into rinse repeat , and would rather you speak up there and then and both try and diffuse things before it gets to a point where someone needs to aplogise or wonder who it is going to be .

I can sooooo relate to what you're saying! I wasn't in abusive relationships, but I am a late bloomer. I didn't really have a boyfriend/sex until 25 and I'm now 35. So my experiences before this were really based on superficial connections and sex. With my last ex, we were off and on for like 2 years and he was content to just hang out once a week or so and have sex. No real dates or anything. We were in a position to see each other almost everyday but he was emotionally distant. Pretty much all of the guys I dated were......except this one.

I think your suggestion is spot on and I have to make more of an effort to communicate my feelings about things in the moment. Thanks so much!