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Pretty sure he's the one... just one problem


CN367

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Ive been dating this man and everything is going really smoothly. I feel like I would like to make it official eventually and he feels the same way.

 

Theres just one problem.... I contracted hsv-1 in June and im very scared this may be a deal breaker. We have been on three dates so far and we havent talked about sexuality yet. Im not sure how or when I should bring it up...

 

Any advice is appreciated.

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So I'm not all that well versed but HSV-1 it's like cold sores right?

 

It's super early, too early to know if he's 'the one' but I'd deffinetely tell him before anything sexual happened, including kissing if it is the cold sore one. he has a right to know.

 

Are you the poster that didn't tell the guy until after you slept together?

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Yes, HSV-1 is the "cold sore" one. It's estimated that over 70% of people are HSV-1 positive. I am actually. If you've ever had chicken pox, you are very likely HSV-1 positive. In many cases, such as mine, there are never any outward signs. In fact, I found out when I had an extensive STD screen, as I was particularly looking for HSV-2, as I had been exposed to that. I was negative for 2, but positive for 1.

 

Sure, you could tell him, but it's really not a big deal. Here's the only thing: if you do get a cold sore, and you perform oral sex, you can give him herpes sores on his penis. This would technically be herpes, but it would be HSV-1 vs. HSV-2. I would for sure tell him then.

 

To put your mind at rest, do a google search on HSV-1. It's the virus that your body gets during chicken pox. Once you're over the chicken pox, your body holds a small amount of its virus forever, and builds up antibodies to surround the virus, to prevent you from ever getting it again. This is how vaccines work, and it's the reason you'll likely never get chicken pox again. So, because the antibodies are always there, you'll always test positive for them.

 

This is why HSV-1 is so common.

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No im definately telling him beforehand. And thats a ways away yet. And yeah too early for the one thing but i have a good feeling about it is all

 

As for the cold sore part i get outbreaks "down there". Its not as easily transmitted to men as it is to women and condoms dont completely protect it I believe. However there are ways to manage it . Im just worried itll ruin it i have a lot of anxiety about "the talk".

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@LHGirl Hsv-1 is not only cold sores near the mouth, it is less frequent but can also locate in the genital area... its actually super painful the first outbreak. And the rest not so bad however ive gotten quite a few and im debating going on suppressive therapy like my doctor suggested.

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You need to be very straight forward with him and to let him know that you will have outbreaks and you won't be able to have sex without condoms...ever. And there is no cure.

 

It's only right that he has all the facts so he can make an informed decision on whether he is okay to stay in a relationship with you or not.

 

I am not trying to be harsh but I believe that it's only right to be as honest as possible.

 

And truthfully, you need to tell him as soon as you start getting more intimate and way way before sex is even on the table.

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Ok, you did get confirmation. I'd definitely tell him, and abstain from sex when you are prodromal, and obviously also during outbreaks.

 

ETA: Prodromal is the tingly feeling you get at the site of the sore, just prior to outbreak. You will be experiencing viral shedding, and you are contagious then, even if the sire has not erupted.

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I also want you to prepare yourself for him not wanting to continue a relationship. This is not uncommon, okay? And you need to adjust to this condition and be okay with someone telling you they aren't comfortable continuing once they know. It's not easy and it can hurt, but you need to become stronger to deal with the possible outcome like that.

 

People can scare easily and it can be hurtful towards you, but you need to be ready for it and okay with it if it comes up.

 

I am not saying he won't be okay with it, because who knows, but be mentally prepared too if he's not okay with it.

 

There are dating sites specifically for people who have this condition and it might be easier to date someone who is dealing with the same thing.

 

I hope whatever happens that you will remain strong.

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I would do a lot of research on this before bringing it up. HSV-1 is very different from 2, and I would make sure you understand the difference. FWIW, if it makes you feel better, 1 is the less severe one.

 

In my history, I can only think of one guy who would have broken things off with me. My last BF would have been fine with it, with precautions. My best friend was scared to death when she met this amazing guy, but she told him, and they are now married 18 years.

 

Just know the difference.

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Don't tell him until you're in a committed exclusive relationship. Obviously don't touch anyone if you have an outbreak.

 

Cold sores are extremely common, HSV-1 is not an STD even though it can be transferred to the genitals, chances are slim to none unless your partner is immunocompromised. I have cold sore outbreaks twice a year especially when i'm stressed. I didn't tell my bf at the time because it didn't cross my mind until one day I had a sudden breakout. He freaked out but we were already together for months by then so he got over and forgot about it. He didn't get it as I kept a distance from him but he was anxious for about a week. I don't recommend not telling your partner, but if you're just casually dating, it's none of his business.

 

If you have genital herpes then definitely tell him before becoming sexually active. It's an STD and it would be messed up not to tell others.

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HSV-1 and HSV-2 are STIs and they are both herpes.

 

Yes herpes is from the same family as chicken pox but you won't test positive for HSV-1 just because you've had chicken pox.

 

I test positive for HSV-1 and HSV-2. I've never had an outbreak of either. I needed to take a blood test to find out. Most people don't ever get tested for herpes because it isn't a part of a standard STI screening. If you haven't asked for the test by name or gone in during an outbreak you probably have never been tested.

 

I tell all of my partners about my status. I tell lots of folks that I have no sexual relationship with about my status. I actively try to destigmatize it.

 

So a couple of things to think about when you tell this person about your status. Chances are he already has HSV-1. The majority of the population has it. He might have the more traditional placement of it (orally) but it is highly unlikely that he hasn't been exposed to it. Most people get it in their childhood. He probably has never been tested for it.

 

Also there are effective drugs that prevent viral shedding. I take them for my partners who don't test positive for HSV-2. It's a good protection. I ask all my sexual partners to do their own research on the topic and to make their own choice. It's never got in the way of a sexual relationship, for me.

 

I know it feels scary but herpes really is a mild skin condition unless your immune compromised or are about to give birth and you don't know that you have it. The reason why doctors don't test for non-symptomatically is because of the stigma around it. It's hard to find accurate information about it but it's important. It doesn't mean you can never have unprotected sex again. And if people get cold sores they SHOULD tell their romantic partners... but they often don't because it is so common. The GAINT stigma difference between oral herpes and genital herpes is just that... a stigma. Most people who have oral herpes have also never been tested to see if they have HSV-1 or HSV-2 orally.

 

Herpes is a big boiling pot of fear, misinformation and stigma... but really it's a super common skin condition. You aren't dirty or bad for having it any more than someone who has athletes foot or ring worm. I find the best approach to work to remove your own personal stigmas around it, to be open, to be honest and to be well informed.

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So i havent slept for the entire weekend pretty much. Friday i was up until 3am and up for 5am for work. After work we had a date planned. The reason i couldnt sleep was thinking about telling him. He offered me to stay over after dinner yesterday because i was too tired to drive home. He didnt make any moves on me. I couldnt sleep again so when he got up i had to tell him if i was going to get any sleep.

 

He knew nothing about it. I briefly went through it but it sounded really stupid and i was embarrassed and it started along the lines of i need to tell you something if im going to get any sleep. He said is it curable i said no. He said get some sleep and kissed me goodnight.

 

Now its the next day im at work and im worried he wont msg me again were normally talking by now and hes usually awake.

 

I really really like him and I hope hes able to look past it.

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Well, as I read it, you sprung it on him while you were trying to fall asleep. Right?

 

That means he wasn't aware there needed to be a talk. His mind was relaxed. You weren't in a time or place to have a discussion.

 

You also weren't prepared for the discussion.

 

This should've been thought out both in terms of what you were going to say and when/how. You caught him at his most vulnerable, gave him news, and expect an immediate response.

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Can I ask how old you two are?

 

Most people, once they reach a certain age, are well aware and well versed in STD's. It sounds as if he is relatively young, and doesn't possibly really understand this.

 

Many years ago, I was dating a guy who was HSV-2 positive, but I didn't know at the time. We had been on maybe 4 or 5 dates, and he hadn't yet made any moves on me. He then asked me one day if he could come over just to talk, which I thought meant he didn't want to see me again. Turns out, he really liked me and wanted to take things to the next level, but he had to tell me he had HSV-2. This was actually when the internet was brand new, so not a ton of info out there, but he brought me a pamphlet, and he asked me to read through it, so that I could really understand, before we took that next step. This was a terrific way for him to bring this subject up, and I will be forever grateful to him for broaching the subject with me in this way.

 

He then just wanted to let me process this, so I could decide whether to continue seeing him. Which was also great, because I was able to do as much research as I could, and really process it.

 

In the end, I did go out with him a few more times (no sex), and I determined that he wasn't the one for me, but this had nothing to do with his positive diagnosis. Nothing at all.

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Can I ask how old you two are?

 

Most people, once they reach a certain age, are well aware and well versed in STD's. It sounds as if he is relatively young, and doesn't possibly really understand this.

 

Many years ago, I was dating a guy who was HSV-2 positive, but I didn't know at the time. We had been on maybe 4 or 5 dates, and he hadn't yet made any moves on me. He then asked me one day if he could come over just to talk, which I thought meant he didn't want to see me again. Turns out, he really liked me and wanted to take things to the next level, but he had to tell me he had HSV-2. This was actually when the internet was brand new, so not a ton of info out there, but he brought me a pamphlet, and he asked me to read through it, so that I could really understand, before we took that next step. This was a terrific way for him to bring this subject up, and I will be forever grateful to him for broaching the subject with me in this way.

 

He then just wanted to let me process this, so I could decide whether to continue seeing him. Which was also great, because I was able to do as much research as I could, and really process it.

 

In the end, I did go out with him a few more times (no sex), and I determined that he wasn't the one for me, but this had nothing to do with his positive diagnosis. Nothing at all.

 

Hi LHGirl!

 

Agree your guy presented the info in a very mature and responsible way, wondering, did you continue to date him, engage in sexual relations with him?

 

TBH, I am not sure how I would respond.

 

Intellectually I know it would be fine, as long as we're not having sex during a breakout; but emotionally, I am wondering if it would cause me to hold back and not be as open sexually as I typically would be.

 

Hard to say since it's never happened.

 

I do think this is something that needs to be disclosed ASAP, at least prior to having sex, obviously.

 

I can empathize with those having to do that, how stressful that must be.

 

Good luck OP, I hope it all works out the way you hope and want.

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