Cheating ex gave me an STD and wants another chance!

Hello all! I'm in a confusing spot right now and would like some advice!

Here's some background information...

I know it's a long post and I apologize

My ex is 23 and I am 22. I have known him for about 10 years, since we both were 13-years-old. We have always had feelings for eachother since day one and we used to date on and off when we were teens but nothing as serious as this current relationship that lasted 16 months. I'm in a situation where I had broken up with my ex about 4 weeks ago. I have tried to leave him countless times before but I always was dragged back in due to his manipulation, promises to change, crying, begging, or just because I really believed we could make it work because I loved him. 4 months into our relationship, he was cheating on me for a month with his ex-girlfriend. After I found out, he cut contact with her and told me that he loves me and that he hates her, etc. He would always tell me how badly she treated him blah blah blah and the only reason he was cheating was because he claimed to be "confused" because he still thought he had feelings for her. (We started dating only 2-3 weeks after their relationship ended.) I guess he hadn't had time to move on, so at that time I tried to understand from his side and how he was feeling. I decided to give him another chance. I dealt with a lot of anxiety after that, having countless nightmares for months about the cheating, etc. It was torture.

Flash forward 5 months later, things had been pretty good in those 5 months. We were doing better but then he would start acting different towards me, as if he didn't love me as much as I loved him. There were times he was confused again and told me that we are very "different" people and he didn't know if he could be in a relationship with somebody that has different interests then he does. (He didn't like my taste in style, how I used to dye my hair all sorts of crazy colors in the past, how I have a lip ring and talked about getting a tattoo one day.) I stopped doing all of those things while being in the relationship with him because he would threaten to break up with me or tell me he would find me unattractive. I love all of his interests though, he just doesn't like mine.

Anyway, during this time where he was saying these things he told me that he doesn't know if he is in love with me anymore, and thinks we should be friends. I was so confused. He said the guys at work told him he is too young to be in a relationship and needs to have fun. So I guess he listened and he broke up with me for 4 days and then later regretted it and begged for me back. A week after that I found out that for 2 months he had been secretly talking to his ex-girlfriend again. (I found a picture of her in his ipod and he came clean saying that they had been talking and she sent it to him.) I had a breakdown in front of his family and felt so hurt. He said they had talked for a while but that was it, but later found out he was lying and he actually hung out with her one time after he left my house one day. He promised nothing more was going on and I even talked to her and she swore that it was merely just friendship. I felt betrayed because I really didn't think he would do that to me again after he promised he wouldn't talk to her again.

Since then my trust started to go away.. For a few months after that he had been really honest with me, making more promises not to hurt me, lie to me, cheat on me, etc. He told me he would tell me if his ex ever tried contacting him, and he did. She messaged him once and he showed me all the screenshots and told me right away. He seemed to be genuine in trying to fix our relationship. I was skeptical because he is a liar. His family warned me in the beginning that he has a lying problem and how big of a manipulator he is, but I didn't listen because at the time I didn't see it.

Months go by and he changes once again. He starts treating me bad again. He always has made fun of me in the past, and when I tell him to stop and how I feel about it he says it's just a "joke" and that's how he is and that he isn't going to change his joking personality, yadda yadda yadda. He continued to bully me and disrespect me. He would pretend to punch me in the face but stop inches before hitting me just to scare me. He liked to intimidate me I felt and man handle me, treat me like his slave. He was very ungrateful. I did EVERYTHING for this man. I treated him like gold, and he knew that. He would say how nobody had ever cared this much about him and treated him this good. I was always loyal to him. He was my first love, and my first everything. He is the only guy I ever had been with in my life in any type of way. I wanted to show him what real love was since he always told me his previous girlfriends treated him so poorly. Everyone was telling me to get out of this relationship, and I tried to listen and take action but it's very hard when he is so manipulative and can come across as being genuine at times. I ended up breaking up with him again because of the disrespect. This time I blocked him and didn't talk to him for over 24 hours. My phone flooded with calls, texts, and voicemails of him crying and begging me for another chance. He said how sorry he was and how he never realized his behaviors were making me feel this way (even though I told him countless times.) I decided to take him back... again..

He started treating me good again but it only lasted about a month until he decided to break up with me. He said we needed a break because he wanted to "focus on himself" but he still said he wanted to see me, sleepover, have sex with me, basically act like a couple but not be official. I didn't like that. For an entire month, he would come see me for a few hours very weekend, then go to his friends house and come back to my house at around 3AM and sleep there. After a few days he said he regretted his decision and wanted me back, but I said no. I said we do need to work on ourselves like he said. He claimed we are going to get back together after we figure things out and how he would wait for me and not want any other females. He promised there was none. 3 weeks go by, and we get back together. Two females come forward and tell me that he had tried getting them to hangout with him during our break but nothing happened. One of them said she was in the hot tub at his friend's and he tried grabbing at her but she was scared and moved away. He denied it and said he was too drunk to remember but later said it did, in fact happened. I had a terrible gut feeling there was more... I felt he did something worse.. I felt he had sex with someone and wasn't telling me. I told him this and he denied it and would tell me to my face, swearing on his life there was no other girl and he didn't have sex with anybody. "You think I'd want to live with that guilt?" He would say. After I begged him to tell me for days, he finally came clean. He admitted he had been having sex with someone each time he left my house those nights to go to hif friend's house. The girl would be invited over there in the hot tub. She told me everything over the phone. I was devastated. It happened all over again. The lies... how he would lie to my face and climb into my bed after he just had sex an hour ago scared me. I felt done. I blocked him again and was so done.

Days went by and he had his friends and entire family contact me during this time. His mom telling me she's afraid he's going to kill himself, his friends saying how he's a good person and I need to give him another chance, etc. They don't understand at all what he has done to me. They didn't seem to care about me, only his feelings and how hurt he was that I was ignoring him. He showed up to my house, in tears. I never seen him cry like this before. It was different. He looked really really broken. I always thought he used to fake cry, but this time it seemed real with how bad and hard he was crying. It's so hard to believe his emotions because of how much he lies and controls people. He promised to go to therapy and get the help he needed. He made all these promises once again and I told him he is a liar and always broke them. He says he knows and he treated me that way because he never knew how to love correctly because everyone abused him in his life and he didn't know what true love was until he met me. He said he would do anything to prove it to me and that God spoke to him and he now realized what his actions were doing and how badly he was hurting me. I ended up believing him because I'm stupid, and brought him to my therapist. We had couple's therapy a few times. Things were a little better and he would catch himself during times he was acting poorly and would apologize. He was more affectionate and everything but the anxiety I had to deal with after all the abuse he put me through was too much. I was having nightmares again crying myself to sleep in his bed and I always woke him up to reassure me, which was weird since he's the person who caused me to feel those emotions..

I decided I needed to get screened for STDs after I found out he was sleeping with another girl. My tests came back positive for Chlamydia. That was 3 weeks ago, and since then him and I have been broken up. That was the breaking point for me. I know what I deserve now and it's not someone who puts my health at risk and doesn't give a f*ck about my feelings. Since then, he showed up to my house with flowers and gifts multiple times, calling me crying and begging to be with me. He told me he wants to marry me and how he is going to buy a promise ring. BAHA, a promise ring? Does he even know what a promise ring represents? His family once again is telling me how he can't eat or sleep. He is saying HE is having nightmares now of me being with somebody else. HA. How ironic. He says he can't function and is lost without me, how I'm the only person who made him feel alive. He calls me crying and telling me how he wishes I was there to comfort him because he is in such a dark place. He swears he has learned his lesson this time. I don't believe anything, but part of me deep down wishes things could have worked out. I'm not going to take him back, but I am wondering what if this time would be different? I know it sounds so naive after everything he has done.

I ended up calling the police on him today because he was saying he is going to hurt himself for weeks now and how he wants to die, they showed up but weren't able to do anything since he said that he wasn't suicidal. He punched his wall last week because of me not wanting to be with him and he sprained his hand and now it's in a splint.

Anyway, he constantly blows up my phone expressing how badly he messed up and how disgusting he feels and how he throws up because he is so sick to his stomach about what he did. I want to go no contact, but he won't allow it. I feel ashamed because I do miss him. I hate that I do. He tells me he could never see me with another guy because it would kill him, and he tells me that I won't be happy because I'm always going to want him and love him over anyone else. He says I would hate myself just like he does if I slept with someone else.

I'm scared no one is ever going to love me the right way.. and what if he's right and I never will move on from this and forever have trust issues....?

I'd like to hear everyone's opinions on this.

Ok I had to just flip through that ( I am not a long post reader ) ..but I get the idea and the last paragraph says it all ...he is using cruel emotional blackmail to make you feel insecure , make you feel like no one will ever love you ,make you feel worthless and nothing in this world ...what an ass ...

He has the cheek to tell you you wont be happy , and happiness is giving you an STD is it ..you must of felt huge joy at that .

Darling ...keep moving forward , block him , do not engage in anyway and leave him to his wall punching and drama .. YOU deserve love and respect , not emotional abuse , which he is doing a fine job of .

I have this issue between me and my S/O. We have been together for 1 year and he has set this rule during our relationship that neither of us are allowed to masturbate.

Flash forward a year later, we are still together and the control and emotional abuse is unbearable sometimes. I stopped taking photos and writing in my journal.

I like dying my hair and dressing more darker than the average girl. I'm not goth, but I have more of a punk rock type of style. I have a lip piercing and want maybe 1 or 2 tattoos in my future. He dislikes that. He tells me it is unattractive, girls who look like me.

. I am Bisexual and he tells me "I don't have to just worry when you're around guys, I also have to worry about other girls too. I don't want you around either of them."

I also gained 20 pounds since being in a relationship with him because I completely stopped going to the gym. I'm not super overweight, but I'm chubby. I have tried countless times to go back and I do end up losing weight but once he sees that he gets worried and tells me he doesn't want me at the gym.

After I lost 17 pounds last month he purposely bought be junk food to eat and told me he's "not gonna allow me to lose weight

He just makes me feel so ugly and stupid all of the time. He insults me on everything from my face to my body, to my clothes,my interests, anything I do

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ read that my darling .. that is your life and you stayed with that .........and I could have posted 3 times as much from your relationship ..the man is an absolute pr1ck .

Do you know why he tells you this

He says he can't function and is lost without me

because no one else will put up with him , accept his rules and his abuse .

You also need to block all of his family and refuse to speak to any of them ...his mother telling you he will kill himself ..my god they are sick in the head .

He sounds like a commitment phobe to me..... chi

This is not love, OP. This is abuse.

He doesn't love you, but more importantly, you don't love you.

In all kindness, I would strongly suggest you see a counsellor. There are some issues going on with you emotionally, which are keeping you stuck with this sack of manure. I don't say that to judge you, as I was once with an very verbally and emotionally absuive man myself. It was some professional guidance that finally gave me the clarity and strength to demand more for myself, which began by walking away forever.

There is no future here. You know that. But you need to stop believing this bottom-feeder that there's no future for you with anyone else. Of course there is. He is so sub-par that you have nowhere to go but up. You have to learn to love yourself enough to believe that and get rid of this punk.

To add to what Miss C is saying , I have also been in a relationship like this ..well actually 3, one to the other over 12 years ....Everything you have written I/we recognise ...what keeps people there is they start to believe what they are being told .. you are bad, you are ugly , you are worthless , no one will want you , no one can look after you like I do , no one would put up with you ..yadayada ....I could write an abusers handbook of quotes that each one will use , the same crap over and over ...

So I second the self help that is suggested , you need help to know that your whole relationship is vile , but more then that , to know you are worth it . I even read back to how he wanted you to come off your mental health medication just because of sex ... I am not saying even more to upset you , but just to paint a clear picture of how wrong it all is .

Thank you. You are absolutely right.

This is not love, OP. This is abuse.

 

He doesn't love you, but more importantly, you don't love you.

 

In all kindness, I would strongly suggest you see a counsellor. There are some issues going on with you emotionally, which are keeping you stuck with this sack of manure. I don't say that to judge you, as I was once with an very verbally and emotionally absuive man myself. It was some professional guidance that finally gave me the clarity and strength to demand more for myself, which began by walking away forever.

 

There is no future here. You know that. But you need to stop believing this bottom-feeder that there's no future for you with anyone else. Of course there is. He is so sub-par that you have nowhere to go but up. You have to learn to love yourself enough to believe that and get rid of this punk.

I have currently been seeing a therapist for the last 2 years, it's been difficult to figure out the reason why I stayed with him for so long. I haven't exactly figured that out 100% yet. Maybe because this is my first relationship and I'm afraid of what else is out there. (Ex: Him telling me that I will never be happy with anybody else.) which scares me.

I have currently been seeing a therapist for the last 2 years, it's been difficult to figure out the reason why I stayed with him for so long. I haven't exactly figured that out 100% yet. Maybe because this is my first relationship and I'm afraid of what else is out there. (Ex: Him telling me that I will never be happy with anybody else.) which scares me.

This is how I ended up staying as well ...I got called worthless so many times . The worst out of my 3 used to tell me everyone else had got the best of me and I should be grateful he would take on someone who has had their day ( I was 33/34 !!!! )

He is an abusive bottom feeder. Block him in every way possible. Tell him ,his friends and his family you will call the police on them for harassment if they call you at all ever again .

I ended up believing him because I'm stupid, and brought him to my therapist.

This needs to change. You need to speak to yourself, and of yourself, better. You're NOT stupid. You already know how to care for and deeply love someone else. You now need to learn how to care for and deeply love yourself. You can start that process by only saying good things about yourself. We all make mistakes, and some lessons come harder than others; be gentle with yourself. You're learning, and that's good.

I have currently been seeing a therapist for the last 2 years, it's been difficult to figure out the reason why I stayed with him for so long. I haven't exactly figured that out 100% yet.

Therapy can be a long process. Does your therapist have any background or specialization in dealing with domestic abuse? I know you've obviously built a relationship with your therapist after two years, but you might find yourself making more significant progress if you work with a professional who's specifically trained in dealing with domestic violence/abuse.

Get the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's incredibly insightful and will help shed some light on what you're dealing with. It's cliché, but knowledge IS power. When you understand something, you are better equipped to make informed decisions that are in your own best interest.

I'm scared no one is ever going to love me the right way.. and what if he's right and I never will move on from this and forever have trust issues....?

A totally understandable and very valid concern after what you've been told and experienced. It's also nonsense.

As you begin to cultivate self-love and appreciation, you will begin to stop tolerating mistreatment and abuse. The two cannot exist simultaneously. You will also begin to attract people that treat you well, as anyone who doesn't treat you well will have no place in your life; you will not allow it.

I came to this forum five years ago an absolute train wreck after leaving a highly abusive relationship. I had PTSD, I had trouble finding a place to live, my dog was old and sick. Then my friend got murdered by her abuser. I felt worried, scared, and alone. My abusive ex told me I would never find someone that was wonderful to me 100% of the time, that nobody was like that. A year and a half ago, I married a man who is completely wonderful to me, 100% of the time. We have a beautiful house, lots of animals, and a great relationship that functions around mutual respect, love, appreciation, and communication. Because I also made a commitment to growth and healing, and my PTSD and trust issues are now almost non-existent. When they do surface (very infrequently), I have a robust toolkit of healthy behaviors to help me deal with them.

I just wanted to share a little of my story to let you know that it can be done. You can do it too. *Big hugs*

Healthy love makes you feel joy, secure and supported to be the best you can be.

This isn't love, this is toxic and damaging and you need to move forward and away from this.

Block block block and ignore.

Him telling me that I will never be happy with anybody else.

Erm... and he thinks you're happy with him??? :stupid:

I think one of the problems here is that he's your only real relationship, and that you've nothing to compare it with. As the saying goes "If it hurts, it isn't love!"

If you look around this forum you'll see plenty of threads from people who are enduring terrible amounts of pain in their relationships, but don't have the confidence to leave because they're scared it'll hurt.

Basically, you need this guy like you need a hole in the head. You're trying to face up to your issues, taking the responsibility for building up a happy and fruitful life for yourself - and the presence of this guy in your life ensures you're sabotaging all that. As others have said, he's scared of your self-improvements because someone with a better level of self esteem would run like the wind from him... and that's exactly what you should be doing.

Good luck!