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Thread: Not the love of my husband's life?

  1. #1
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    Not the love of my husband's life?

    Hello, first time posting.. I have been married for almost a year. I am in my early 30s, husband is 40. We are are already expecting our first baby this winter. I love my husband and I know he loves me but I feel his ex (and first girlfriend who he was almost engaged to and only other serious relationship he's had besides me) was the love of his life. They were both 33 when they started dating and it lasted 2.5 years. I trust him and they haven't talked since before we got together so I am not worried about her being in his life. But I feel deep down that he will always love her more, that what they had was more passionate that what we have.

    During our recent move, I found a letter he had written to her. They had talked about getting married but he had a lot of hesitation because she was not Christian, his family and friends were against it, and they would often have very heated arguments. They broke up because they got the ring but he couldn't get himself to propose. Well, in the letter, he said here is a gift (custom engagement ring) no strings attached but that he knows now he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, that he will never love anyone more etc. That she can keep the ring (which was cost double what mine is btw) and he doesn't expect to hear from her - that he will take that as a sign she's found happiness which is good enough. I've also found poems he wrote to her, picture folders of her and a file folder dedicated to her on his old computer but he has never done that or had those things for me. He gifted her so many nice things but he never spent that much on me. Granted she picked those items out and I am not into brand name items.. I also found a video on his old laptop just kissing her for an extended time. I can't even remember the last time we just sat there and kissed.

    All of those things with his ex happened before my husband and I met. I just feel so lost, heartbroken, insecure, guilty for digging through his stuff, and completely selfish for being sad when I should be elated for my baby that is on the way. I don't know how to resolve the issue.. I've talked to him but haven't gone into detail yet about the things I've found on his computer. He says he loves me more than anything that he has never been happier. Any advice will be appreciated.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by jane778
    He says he loves me more than anything that he has never been happier.
    This is all you need to know. Write it on a piece of paper and put it on the mirror in your bathroom. chi

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Wow, you really gutted yourself by going through all of those things. Advice: maybe don't do that anymore. You trust your husband, so there's not reason to snoop (unless you like hurting yourself).

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    I trust that he would not physically cheat on me. I just want to feel like I'm the love of his life...

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Then you need to realize there's a future in front of you. The past is done, and it can't be changed. You are ONLY hurting yourself by dwelling on it.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You need to STOP obsessing about his ex and comparing and assuming how he felt about her and how he feel's about you. It is all speculation and you will never know, nor does it matter.

    You are his wife, you and he created a life and a child together (something she and he will never have). He told you he loves you and has never been happier.

    Real love that lasts is not about it being like it was in the beginning, you build something even stronger with someone than that stuff. It's not about presents that are materialistic and again, don't mean anything at the end of the day.
    It's about finding someone who wants to go through the good, bad and even ugly and is your best friend and still wants to be with you at the end of the day.

    It's building a life together and going through life together.
    What you two have is very special, more special that what you described with his ex.
    And don't forget that his ex is his ex for a reason, the right connections just were not there.
    I know it's hard to not feel jealousy or worry about the past, but you need to stop.

    He is with you, he chose you, you two will be raising your baby together, which will be an incredible journey.
    All you need to do now is focus on your life together, let go of the past...that's gone and is going to stay gone.
    You don't need to compare anything, ever. He shows you every single day who he wants, and it's you.

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    Thank you. I realize I'm obsessing but I just can't help it ugh. I don't think the pregnancy is helping with all the hormones going on. Going to try to let it go.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Had she really been the life of his life, they would not have broken up. He chose you to spend the rest of his life and have children with. That is huge. He chose you to be the love of the rest of his life. It doesn't get bigger than this. You need to let the past go. You are needlessly hurting yourself and your relationship.

  10. #9
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    Thank you. But my husband and I broke up once too - he felt we weren't progressing towards marriage and I felt I wasn't ready at the time since there were family and career issues going on at the time.. It just bothers me that he did try to marry her after their break up and had she taken him back, he might have been with her.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    That's not what fate had in store, fate had you and him together. That's what you need to concentrate on.

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