Am I over reacting?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 10 months. We've established some rules in the relationship. one of them happens to be when we argue, we take a couple of steps back. Then come back to each other on a very neutral platform and discuss the things about our relationship. I have been communicating on my end to him about how I feel without sounding like I am attacking him. I always choose my words carefully so that way, I am expressing how I feel rather than point fingers at him. Today we had a heated argument. I simply gave off the vibe of not caring anymore. I stopped communicating with him on how I feel because it will end up going back to a loop. I stopped acting like i cared. When he was pointing fingers, I apologized. He got upset because I had stopped showing that I cared. He then proceeded to tell me i was being unreasonable and my actions giving him monotonous answers drove him nuts. I said I am not tolerating with him calling me unreasonable because I have tried communicating to him how I feel but he does not reciprocate back. He harassed me over text by saying I act very emotionally and mentally abusive. I did not stand for that. I blocked him on social media and everything else. He did the same. I wanted to have him chase me but knowing that he didn't. I know he doesn't take the relationship seriously. Am I over reacting? At this point, does he even care? The last thing he sent me was, "I'm blocking your number too. Don't bother to call." I am sad at the fact that I have given my all and he hasn't. What do I do.

Sounds like he's a bit of an emotional guy and your "rule" (lol @ rules in relationships) is hard to follow when emotions come bursting. Sometimes it's just not possible to take a step back when you're feelings things. You may want to and know it's the right call, but there are things that need to get off your chest.

By the looks of it, you two sound young and immature. How old are you?

His reaction is a classic overreaction, but he has some grounds on it. WHen you're with someone you supposedly love and loves you back, robotic, "neutral" language makes you feel unloved, unwanted.

It's like "I'm here pouring my heart out and you don't care". He probably rationalized by now that you simply don't care for him or the relationship.

I honestly don't know if you should reach out or let his head settle down.

Maybe you can message him one last time saying you want things to work out and that your "monotonous answers" were just your way to cope with the argument and not related to how you feel about him at all. Let it at that and wait for an answer from him.

I am 22 and he's 23. There are times where I do pour my heart out. I have explained to him that i am hurt by his actions. In return, he monotonously says he's sorry and just leaves me alone. I have exceeded so much of my bandwidth in trying to express my emotions and my thoughts. But he also gives me a robotic tone. Has always been giving me that tone since we first started.

I am 22 and he's 23. There are times where I do pour my heart out. I have explained to him that i am hurt by his actions. In return, he monotonously says he's sorry and just leaves me alone. I have exceeded so much of my bandwidth in trying to express my emotions and my thoughts. But he also gives me a robotic tone. Has always been giving me that tone since we first started.

Then it's immaturity kicking in and lack of experience in dealing with emotions/relationships.

Good thing is, you can very easily come back from this and forgive each other.

The bad is, this type of thing will most likely keep happening until you break up for good, unless both of you grow out of it - which it's possible.

Good communication is key in any relationship and setting up "rules" like that is just a recipe for disaster.

My best advice would be to always be respectful, even when you're hurting, and honest. It's fine to take a step back and sometimes even necessary, but coming off as cold/cruel/robot hurts, as you well know, and no one likes to get hurt by those we love

As for what you should do now, maybe take a look at how you really feel, if you still love him, etc. Wouldn't hurt to reach out one last time, but you'd also be fine with this lesson. So as he when he realizes you both acted like kids.

You're right. I am in full support of good communication and understanding even when it is hard. Maybe I lack the aspect of understanding. I told him that I love him, but I am unsure because he doesn't express how much he loves me. (being emotionally affectionate, etc.) I tell him that I feel best and understanding knowing he can be affectionate and kind. He hasn't really done that. I have bottled up a lot of emotion because he doesn't display that. I tell myself that's how he is but, the anger and hurt grew more. I didn't want to tell him to show me kindness and love because I didn't want to to feel like a chore to him. There's a time where I did, and I would tell him many times over. He hasn't shown me what he would do as he would say.

What are the kinds of things you feel compelled to "communicate" with him? How often are you bringing these topics up?

I am all for taking a step back to gather your thoughts before communicating an issue. The caveat with that is that those communications should be incredibly few and far between. It's one thing if you catch yourself in fairly heated argument every other year, where you two just need a day or so of doing things on your own. It's another to essentially henpeck someone, put them on the defensive, only to go, "Ah, ah, ah.... remember the ruuuule!" Even if you're putting it in the kindest words possible, the latter is indeed emotional manipulation, bordering abuse, and I've seen it more than a couple times.

But, again, I don't know the context or the frequency. At face value, it sounds like it occurs often enough to where he may understandably be getting to the end of his rope and admittedly isn't able to constructively communicate it at this point.

I stopped communicating with him on how I feel....I stopped acting like i cared.

Acting like you don't care and acting cold to your partner will never make things better.....

Also, don't expect people to chase you and get angry when they don't. That won't help either....

The best is to always act in a loving and mature way when discussing issues with your partner, no matter how difficult that it....

What are the kinds of things you feel compelled to "communicate" with him? How often are you bringing these topics up?

 

I am all for taking a step back to gather your thoughts before communicating an issue. The caveat with that is that those communications should be incredibly few and far between. It's one thing if you catch yourself in fairly heated argument every other year, where you two just need a day or so of doing things on your own. It's another to essentially henpeck someone, put them on the defensive, only to go, "Ah, ah, ah.... remember the ruuuule!" Even if you're putting it in the kindest words possible, the latter is indeed emotional manipulation, bordering abuse, and I've seen it more than a couple times.

 

But, again, I don't know the context or the frequency. At face value, it sounds like it occurs often enough to where he may understandably be getting to the end of his rope and admittedly isn't able to constructively communicate it at this point.

Normally if I am upset, I would tell him that I am upset because he has said/done A, B, and C. He would say sorry but very unapologetically. So, when he apologizes in such a way where he doesn't mean it, it gets me off my seat. It does happen quite often. As Rustysuit said, he IS a very emotional person. But only emotional when it comes down to anger. Being intimate and affection with words lacks.

As far as "rules" go, right now the major focus is on communication. I believe both of are very inexperienced in how to process emotions and situations. Major key point is communication. However, I think we both lack understanding.

Acting like you don't care and acting cold to your partner will never make things better.....

 

Also, don't expect people to chase you and get angry when they don't. That won't help either....

 

The best is to always act in a loving and mature way when discussing issues with your partner, no matter how difficult that it....

How would I receive that from him? If I had consistently pursued when he gets mad at me for his wrong doing, I'm the one to reel him back and tell him how much this should be fixed because I care. Like I have said before, I've exceeded my bandwidth because I've been the one instigating a lot of the talks and heart to hearts. He hasn't done much and has shown me what he won't offer.

Normally if I am upset, I would tell him that I am upset because he has said/done A, B, and C. He would say sorry but very unapologetically. So, when he apologizes in such a way where he doesn't mean it, it gets me off my seat. It does happen quite often. As Rustysuit said, he IS a very emotional person. But only emotional when it comes down to anger. Being intimate and affection with words lacks.

 

As far as "rules" go, right now the major focus is on communication. I believe both of are very inexperienced in how to process emotions and situations. Major key point is communication. However, I think we both lack understanding.

What are specific examples of "A, B, and C?"

He is very demeaning and calls me names rather be endearing. He throws things against the wall/floor. He's very cold when trying to sound apologetic

So you're more concerned about the fact he called you unreasonable than the fact he throws things against the walls out of anger?

So you're more concerned about the fact he called you unreasonable than the fact he throws things against the walls out of anger?

The whole dynamic was him being misunderstanding why I was coming off cold. Proceeded to call me names and get angry when I was apologizing and being as calm in a very robotic way.

You're experiencing a life lesson, so learn from it. An unaffectionate person who calls you names is the LAST person you want for a boyfriend. Envision a man in your future who caresses your hair, holds your hand, cuddles with you on the couch and argues productively versus belittling you. Now doesn't that sound like something to strive for?

You're experiencing a life lesson, so learn from it. An unaffectionate person who calls you names is the LAST person you want for a boyfriend. Envision a man in your future who caresses your hair, holds your hand, cuddles with you on the couch and argues productively versus belittling you. Now doesn't that sound like something to strive for?

It does. We talked just now. I apologized how I acted and then he said I don't need your understanding or forgiveness. I don't care.

You're experiencing a life lesson, so learn from it. An unaffectionate person who calls you names is the LAST person you want for a boyfriend. Envision a man in your future who caresses your hair, holds your hand, cuddles with you on the couch and argues productively versus belittling you. Now doesn't that sound like something to strive for?

I realized now that after he said that he doesn't need my forgiveness and understanding, he is not the one. It hurts but definitely dodged a bullet with that one.

I realized now that after he said that he doesn't need my forgiveness and understanding, he is not the one. It hurts but definitely dodged a bullet with that one.

I agree. If he's still acting like this child after you reached out in a mature, loving, respectful way, then I'm sorry, girl, but this "man" isn't right for you. He needs a lot of growing up to do and how to properly control his emotions.

It sucks that we sometimes fall in love with people who don't really "get it", or appreciate it, but trust me that one day they will. Sooner or later he's going to realize the child he was/is to you and maybe he'll apologize one day, but for now PLEASE KNOW that you're not missing out on anything.

You can throw a rock and hit a dozen guys who know how to love and carry a relationship forward. Trust me. It will suck for a while, but in the end you're better off.

I agree. If he's still acting like this child after you reached out in a mature, loving, respectful way, then I'm sorry, girl, but this "man" isn't right for you. He needs a lot of growing up to do and how to properly control his emotions.

It sucks that we sometimes fall in love with people who don't really "get it", or appreciate it, but trust me that one day they will. Sooner or later he's going to realize the child he was/is to you and maybe he'll apologize one day, but for now PLEASE KNOW that you're not missing out on anything.

 

You can throw a rock and hit a dozen guys who know how to love and carry a relationship forward. Trust me. It will suck for a while, but in the end you're better off.

To be honest, a lot of my close peers and colleagues have told me that he isn't the one. I should have listened to them instead of looking through rose colored glass. Thank you. It will suck like hell, but I know I deserve a lot better.

bringing it back to the original dynamic. . Things escalate and you retreat?

If handled correctly it is a valuable tool. . But. .you need to tell your partner that's exactly what you are doing and why.

If not your partner feels dismissed and unheard.

I am the same way. When things escalate I tend to get flooded and I can't think straight. I ask for time out to reflect on what I want

to say responsibly and set a specific time and place to come back and readdress the issue.

And . . part of those ground rules is there is no absolutely no place for name calling. The moment that happens the conversation is shut down. If he can't respect that, then it's a relationship deal breaker. Period.

I used to try to do it with my ex. I would come back in a short amount of time to talk but I quickly learned that he preferred to have a go at

me when I was off balance and couldn't collect my thoughts. It gave him the upper hand. He would get really upset if I needed a moment

to respond. But that's a tactic of a bully.

bringing it back to the original dynamic. . Things escalate and you retreat?

 

If handled correctly it is a valuable tool. . But. .you need to tell your partner that's exactly what you are doing and why.

If not your partner feels dismissed and unheard.

 

I am the same way. When things escalate I tend to get flooded and I can't think straight. I ask for time out to reflect on what I want

to say responsibly and set a time and place to come back and readdress the issue.

 

And . . part of those ground rules is there is no absolutely no place for name calling. The moment that happens the conversation is shut down.

 

I used to try to do it with my ex. I would come back in a short amount of time to talk but I quickly learned that he preferred to have a go at

me when I was off balance and couldn't collect my thoughts. It gave him the upper hand. He would get really upset if I needed a moment

to respond. But that's a tactic of a bully.

During the conversation, I told him I was done talking to him for awhile. He persisted on texting and harassing me asking what's wrong with me. He didn't do anything and etc.. If he had stopped texting me when I had told him I was done talking, he shouldn't kept harassing me and saying all the demeaning things to further hurt me and escalate the conversation. When I had apologized he should have left it at that.

Telling him you are done talking shuts him out. Do you think you would have gotten a different response if you told him that you felt uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going. That you really wanted to hear what he had to say but wondered if it would be ok to take a moment to cool off and come back and talk in a way that benefits both of you?

Telling him you are done talking shuts him out. Do you think you would have gotten a different response if you told him that you felt uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going. That you really wanted to hear what he had to say but wondered if it would be ok to take a moment to cool off and come back and talk in a way that benefits both of you?

Yes, I have realized that it was wrong which was one of the many reasons why I apologized. However, he said what has needed to be said. He blocked me after he got the last word of it. It shows that he doesn't care.

It shows that both of you contribute to a unhealthy way of resolving conflicts.

Today we had a heated argument.

What was the argument about? Was it before you acted cold, or because you acted cold?

Affecting an attitude is manipulative, which tends to infuriate most people--and as you can see, it wasn't effective in getting you whatever it was that you wanted.