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Thread: I'm not sure about the distance and what that means long term

  1. #1
    hotcocoa954
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    I'm not sure about the distance and what that means long term

    Since July 2016 a guy I met in a professional social media group at the end of 2015 and I have been talking. We video message or call or text one another every day. We fall asleep and talk for hours. We met up in January, June and July. It's been really nice and we even exchanged "I Love You" in July. The problem is that he's said (and shown that he has trust issues) so there are things I'll do to help him feel more secure about us, but I only do that to let him know I'm in it 100%. Now we were going to see one another in about 10 days and he tells me last night about not feeling financially ok for me to come (as he only gets paid once a month and apparently he wasn't very vigilant on where his money went). But I'm pissed because he's 40 and we haven't seen one another since July. I was already going to pay for my own traveling expenses and told him I'm not coming for him to spend money but for us to spend time together. He's concentrating on the financial struggle.

    I just feel as though I want to take a step back because I think he doesn't care if we see one another as much as I do.

  2. #2
    SherrySher
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    You are right about him not caring like you do.

    He had since July to get ready for your meet up. If he was excited and looking forward to it, he would have saved money and made plans.

    The fact that he hasn't planned or saved and doesn't want you to come, should be loud and clear to you how much he cares about you.

    Walk away and save yourself heartache.

  3. #3
    melancholy123
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Yes walk away. Find a real live guy in your area who you can see and hang out with and do things with.

  4. #4
    thorough
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    Yes save yourself heartache and walk away. He prob wants you to come to him, so he doesn't haven't to make an effort. Someone who wants to see you, will come see you. I did the long distance and out of impatience, I visited him twice before he did for one time. The guy was never really interested in me and was only excited because I was the only one doing the work. He is not worth it, if I had waited, I would have saved a lot of time and money.

  5. #5
    hotcocoa954
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    Thanks so much for all of your responses! I visited him in January, he came to me in June and I went to him in July. I have decided if he wants to see me that he will have to come here. But of course, the problem is he's focused on his career/education stuff to the point where seeing me obviously isn't important enough for him to plan for. So I've also decided to pull back (not talking on the phone everyday) as a result.

    You all are right, a part of me is so resentful because I have been trying to emotionally support him for 16 months over the phone and I'm pissed that we're not going to see each other next weekend. I'm even more upset because he was the one saying we need to plan a trip and a few weeks ago. Now he's mad because he feels like I don't want to talk to him, which is true so I can sort out of thoughts and feelings. I'm just upset I have to go through this so close to the holidays...

  6. #6
    thorough
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    Quote Originally Posted by SherrySher [Register to see the link]
    You are right about him not caring like you do.

    He had since July to get ready for your meet up. If he was excited and looking forward to it, he would have saved money and made plans.

    The fact that he hasn't planned or saved and doesn't want you to come, should be loud and clear to you how much he cares about you.

    Walk away and save yourself heartache.
    Yes! You deserve better. I dated a guy long distance who dragged his feet on coming out to see me and he barely saved up enough money to pay for the flight (I had been down in his city twice and paid for everything). He had the money to spend on random crap (couple hundred). He does not care about you and you are better off finding someone else.

  7. #7
    londonbridge
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    You must feel so frustrated and hurt that he isn't making you priority number one. You're putting in all this effort and time, 100% as you say towards him. I totally get it, I've been there before. 100% is way too much to be giving away to anyone though. No wonder you're resentful. You're trying to blame him for everything, but you should be blaming yourself too for totally overdoing it.

    I doubt he is trying to be manipulative or trying to take advantage of you. Guys are pretty simple creatures and usually say what they mean. He is being honest by telling you that he doesn't feel financially capable and is focusing on trying to work on his finances/career/education. That sounds like a good guy to me. He's trying to turn his life around. He isn't financially stable right now, but he wants to be. That doesn't sound like a selfish person to me, that sounds like someone trying to take responsibility and control of his life. People have to take care of their own needs, basic survival, before they can take care of their loved ones needs. And taking control of your financial life doesn't just happen overnight. If he's been bad with money for most of his life, it will take him time to learn how to be better with his money.

    Is he struggling with huge student loan debts? Mortgage? Consumer debts? Those are huge burdens I'd be stressed out about if I were him, for sure.

    He probably feels guilty and pressured not being able to spend money like water on you, and probably super embarrassed too. Guys naturally want to be able to take care of a woman. The more you pressure him, the more he'll probably feel bad about himself and as a result, feel bad about you too.

    If you really think this is the guy for you, I'd have more patience than what you're showing right now. Control yourself. If you're ready to throw in the towel because he's having financial hardship right now, then I doubt you really have "love" in you heart. Maybe just lust. If you love someone, you're there for them through thick and thin.

    It's great that you're financially funding your visits to him, but obviously the fact that you're doing that, makes him feel like useless, because like I said, he probably feels guilty. A good man wants to be useful and he wants to provide for a woman.

    Well, I find it hard to believe that you guys are "in love" with each other after only spending a few times together. Are you sure it's just not lust? The way things are going, with you acting so resentful, your relationship will definitely be over very soon. Long distance relationships aren't for everyone, especially with people who expect that people owe them something just because they gave so much of themselves. Hello! He's asking you to give LESS of yourself. So do that.

    Get rid of your resentful emotions, remove your passive aggressiveness, and let him come to you.

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