My friend is making a huge deal of her birthday

So we are all 25. My friends birthday is coming up right before christmas. She has been talking for months about how she wants to go to this fancy hotel about an hour away, rent a room, and go out to all the fun clubs in the area. She keeps talking about two weeks before Christmas. I think it sounds really fun. But right before the holidays is hard. I'm low on money, because of all the gifts, and I do a lot with my family and boyfriend, like seeing lights, and going to holiday events. She has been mentioning this plan more and more recently. I have told her over and over that I cannot commit to that, because my family likes to do things all around Christmas and its a busy time for us.

This last, most recent time I told her the same thing, and she responded," Well maybe if you explain the situation to your family, then they can plan all of their stuff another time."

I found this extremely rude. I am very close to my family and she knows this, and on top of it, they mean more to me than she as my friend. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but family is first for me. I was shocked she would say that. So I nicely told her," well there are a lot of people's schedules involved and we all have different jobs and such, so I have to do it when everyone in my family can, which might be that weekend." We can only see lights for a month before christmas, and such. I feel bad, but I wish she would hold off until right after the holiday. I wouldn't mind going to dinner, but right before the holidays is hard for everyone going on a trip and partying.

I feel bad, because I think she is going to be mad when I can't come. She got mad at me last year when I could not come to a Halloween party that she threw. I know I am going to be busy. It is two weeks before Christmas. I also feel bad, because I have an annual friends xmas party at my house every year. I just send out the invite to everyone and I claimed the weekend before christmas. She messaged me saying she wish she knew I was available that weekend and she would have made it her birthday one. I am not free, I am having my xmas annual party at my house.

I feel that if I don't do her birthday she won't come to my party. I have plenty of friends coming. I just don't want hard feelings. I feel like I keep telling her the same thing, but she isn't getting it, and keeps making it like I need to clear my busy family holiday schedule for a clubbing trip, which I know will cost me a ton of money that I don't have.

I don't know what to do.

Oh and to make things better, I just posted my party for xmas and like five minutes later she posts her birthday to everyone online and then tells me that if she knew I was free the night of my party, she would have made hers that night. Its my annual xmas party. Not her birthday. I claimed the one night I was free. She did not.

Grow a pair and tell her you aren't going. Stop dancing around it. Telling her 'maybe' is waste of both of your time. And it's making you all bitter at her for not reading your mind.

Stop feeling bad. She knows your family obligations and if she feels the need to have a hissy fit, it's her problem. You have other plans, you have traditions, so stick with them. She needs to get over herself.

Definitely don't change your plans for your friends birthday. It's Christmas, if you can't go, you can't go. Your family are more important around this time - don't let her manipulate you. Explain you can't go, and don't pay her any mind if she decides not to attend your Christmas Party. Honestly, she sounds like a wonderful friend...

I feel her pain with the birthday/ Christmas ...my birthday is Dec 8th ...every single time I have tried to organise anything all I hear is ...well I have this works party for Christmas , I am going to my partners work party , got family stuff cos its Christmas yadayada ...us December babies get a right raw deal in the party department I tell you ..oh and if it isn't other commitments it is money ...can't afford to come out with you because it is Christmas ..

So I feel it for her ...it is sh1t quite frankly ...especially when you are expected to celebrate everyone elses for the next 11 months .

However I only need telling no once ... So you have to just say it and stop worrying if she will come to yours ..cos now you know how she feels worrying if you will go to hers . If that makes sense .

This last, most recent time I told her the same thing, and she responded," Well maybe if you explain the situation to your family, then they can plan all of their stuff another time."

Your friend is a ****ing comedian and she should know it.

It's part of the trend I've seen over the past decade or so of expanding celebrations to "weekends" - like wedding weekends/birthday weekends and adding on elaborate bachelor/bachelorette parties,etc.

I think if you commit to something you do it absent an emergency. I think that it's always fine to "just say no" and the more explanations you give the more defensive you seem. "Sorry I would love to but I cannot do it because of financial and family considerations". And you should still say that to shut this down. Say it nicely, but firmly. Both nice and firm are essential. Then stay silent. Do not respond to posts/messages/implications.

I had a friend like this who was really into her birthday -she was in her 40s-50s when I was involved in this. She'd plan a dinner at an expensive restaurant that we had to pay for and insist on sitting where she wanted to sit (meaning, outside in the cold even if others didn't want to) and she'd come late but of course we were on time. She seemed annoyed that I would make a charitable contribution in her name instead of a gift -I was already paying for part of her dinner, paying for mine,etc and I didn't have my own bday celebrations so it wasn't reciprocal.

You can offer to take your friend out for brunch or to a movie or to a yoga class to celebrate separately, after the holidays.

Pippy my daughter's b'day is also Dec. 8. Luckily she has never felt ripped off because it's close to Christmas. We made sure for her to have a good b'day, sort of like a dress rehearsal for Christmas, with presents, fun, food etc. My mother's bday was Dec. 20 and she said she always felt robbed even tho we tried to make her day be her day.

The OP's friend has a big sense of entitlement.

Pippy my daughter's b'day is also Dec. 8. Luckily she has never felt ripped off because it's close to Christmas. We made sure for her to have a good b'day, sort of like a dress rehearsal for Christmas, with presents, fun, food etc. My mother's bday was Dec. 20 and she said she always felt robbed even tho we tried to make her day be her day.

 

The OP's friend has a big sense of entitlement.

yayay same birthday as your daughter is FAB ...also John Lennon died on that day if she is a Lennon fan , it is special .....anyway your poor mum haha I know what she means .. my cousins b/day is new years eve .. so you can imagine how much it takes for her to get a look in as well .

My parents always waited to put the Christmas tree after my birthday so it wasn't all about Christmas.

She has been asking you for months now, and you didn't consider saving some money months prior? I would just say you have "x" amount to spare, and if she can cover the rest, then you can join. And obviously you can afford it since you can afford to have your own party. Trust me, even when you have your own kids, you will have to go their friends' b-day parties for those kids to come to your kids' parties. It's social politics. If she just sprung this on you, totally cool to bow out, but dude, months of telling you? If my bestie never once said nothing the whole time, then really, I would just see that she was being selfish and self-centered.

Unless your friend does this every year and it doesn't sound like it, then I think you are being a pretty crappy friend. She picked this bday to be special, has been discussing plans and asking for your commitment for months. Not like she is springing this last minute. As another poster pointed out, you've had plenty of notice to plan ahead and to commit yourself to this, but instead you keep dragging your feet with a "maybe", which btw is kind of asinine of you. If you are so tied with going to see the lights with family that you can't manage to skip a single year, that's fine, but then you should have told your friend months ago that you will not be coming. Sorry, so sorry, no can do. Instead you keep stringing her along and then for being so "busy" you seem to have time to throw your party. Sorry, but you aren't winning the good friend award here. You are treating your friend like crap.

No offence, but you sound ruder than her tbh. She's looking for ways to get it so you can celebrate her birthday with her, and all you're doing is slagging her off for it.

I think she thinks you're closer friends than you really are.

I agree with the two above.

You've already decided you aren't going. You're not even going to look in to finding a way to make it work.

Why should anyone come to your Christmas party? Don't they have family obligations too?

I agree with the two above.

 

You've already decided you aren't going. You're not even going to look in to finding a way to make it work.

 

Why should anyone come to your Christmas party? Don't they have family obligations too?

OMG...brilliant point!

You all convinced me that the OP is also to blame here and is responsible for her friend thinking that she would be there to celebrate.

I was on one team and then flipped over to the other side.

Poster had months to consider her friends birthday and cost associated with it. So the financial part of the dilemma is mute.

It's a quality problem I suppose. God forbid you want your friend to celebrate with you.

Because of schedules, holidays are a tough time.

Ill give her that. . but it boils down to how much she values her friendship.

I guess I want to defend myself a bit, if she couldn't come to my party because she had plans, then she had plans, which I would not want her to rearrange for me since I realize its the holiday season. This was also the same friend who never came to anything when she had a boyfriend, as now that she is single is all about us going out and doing stuff all the time. I get it, I was single for a long time, and I have been hanging out with her more recently, as I would hope she would do for me. I was saying it in the sense that I know how she has been in the past and she will purposely not come to my party, because I had family obligations for hers, which to me is wrong.

For reference, last year she and her roommate threw a Halloween party/housewarming at their new place. I saw that my ex was invited and I was very uncomfortable being around him since we had a very messy breakup, of which my friend knew all about. I told them this, and her roommate told me it was fine if I felt like I couldn't attend, and they understood. I visited them a week before the party and brought a nice housewarming gift to show I was a good friend. I didn't attend. Neither did anyone else. My ex and his friends eventually did, so I was glad I wasn't there. That is not my fault. After the party was a failure, they both came at me saying how disappointed they were and how they didn't understand why I couldn't come. I was blindsided, and reminded them that I let them know and that they were okay with it. They said how they were so hurt, and how they couldn't believe I didn't come, especially when no one else did. That is not my fault.

She mentioned this birthday thing maybe a month ago, but mentioned it as a possibility or a fun idea. She didn't have a plan, she never invited anyone, or made a set plan whatsoever. It was an fun thought. At that time and every time she brought up the fun idea, I told her I do a lot with my family right before Christmas, it was a busy time, and I was unsure. So I never told her I would definitely go. I never led her to believe I would. I don't want to commit to spending all day and over night somewhere and lots of money and drinks for her. Unfortunately with my pay and bills, with xmas presents I am buying, I do not have the extra money. I live paycheck to paycheck. Like I literally have five dollars to my name right now, as I am waiting for my next paycheck. I am having a small party with some chips and beer for a few hours, not buying expensive drinks at exclusive clubs and I know that everyone else is going to chip in and pay for her all night and I just know its going to add up for me and I don't want to charge things. I'd pitch in for dinner for her, but she wants to go to casinos and clubs where the cover charge could be $50 a person at times. I find this a bit much to ask of people before the holidays. I mentioned to her a while back, that I want to have my annual Christmas party, so she knew this too. I feel bad, because my girl friend doesn't have a lot of friends, so when I can't do some things she sometimes gets upset, because then barely anyone is there, as seen by the Halloween party. But that isn't my fault. I have a lot of girl friends from work and such. If she doesn't come to my party, I will be bummed that my friend isn't having fun with us, but I know others will come and it will be fun.

I would be free for shorter things. Like if she wanted to go see some lights for a few hours, I could go, but she wants a weekend practically.

I don't mean to be selfish. If she said, hey lets all grab dinner locally and do gifts, I would have gone, because its a few hours, not a weekend away. I also recently got a boyfriend and he and I only can see each other on the weekends because we work so much.

I want to celebrate with her. I already have a gift for her. I just figured maybe going bowling locally or grabbing a bite for a few hours is a lot more realistic.

Maybe you need to manage this friend better.

When she mentioned her extravagant plans, you said "I told her I do a lot with my family right before Christmas, it was a busy time, and I was unsure."

That translates as -- "other people are more important to you and I am busy....but maybe there is a small chance i will fit you in.."

Its not "NO".

Honestly - this is how I would have handled it -- "i have Christmas plans that weekend - but I would love to celebrate your birthday - I'd love to do XYZ with you instead, how about it?" You honestly didn't have any specific plans, it is just that the "season is busy"

What about next year doing a "birthday in July halfbirthday" like people do Christmas in july sales.

I have one cousin born the day after Christmas and one born new Year's day. They are sisters. Everything stinks for them because everyone else gets a birthday party and their birthdays are sort of lumped in with the holidays and people might hand them a birthday card at Christmas, but its so different having your birthday a different time of year. Its not even about the gifts, but you really don't get to do something you want to do. the things the parents said they were doing special for their birthdays - going caroling/seeing lights/going to a special restaurant are all things the family did before they came so its not really done because its their birthdays.

At any rate, I think this was about not asserting yourself more clearly up front and now things are kicked down the road and its worse.

I sent her a message that to me was very direct, while also trying to be a friend. I hope this helps the situation. I really didn't mean any harm by my actions about this situation. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I truly cannot afford to go gambling and drinking and clubbing where she wants to go, as its too expensive. Yes, I am having a party, but I sort of know my budget for that. Her birthday could end up racking up a huge bill for me, and most times things come up and then I end up spending more. One friend I ended up spending $75 on her birthday night of going out. That's insane. So I sent this:

" Hey, I did end up catching up with some of my family last night. I do have Christmas plans that weekend. I really don't want you to think I am just passing over your Birthday all together, as that is definitely not the case. I would like to celebrate your birthday with a nice dinner at some point, maybe the Friday night before? If you are up for something like that?"

I hope this helps the situation. The truth is, I know what is going to happen. Only like two people will end up saying they are going to go. She will cancel all the plans, as two people is nothing, and then she will have something low key and local, something I could have gone to. But I just could not commit to the hour away stay over hotel and fancy plan she has in her head. I am making Christmas plans with my family or my boyfriend and I have to stick to that now.

I feel bad, because I could not go to her birthday last year either. I love her as my friend, but she makes terrible plans. Last year she planned a Tuesday night dinner 45 minutes away. I teach personal fitness after work and by the time I would have gotten out, and gotten to the showers, there was no way I would get there. She insisted that I come late even. But then she told me who was going. She and her boyfriend, an engaged couple, and a newlywed couple to a nice fancy restaurant. And then me by myself. I felt very awkward about that. So I finally came out and told her it was too rushed for me after work and with my fitness training, I am going to be all sweaty and will need to shower and such, before going to a nice restaurant. She understood since it was a work week and she didn't pick somewhere local that was easy for everyone after work. I know people are different, but when I plan my birthday, I always make it easy and local. The local bowling alley, a local bar or restaurant. Something where people aren't trowing all their money at it, and they can come for one hour or five if they choose. But that's just me. I think of what people have going on in their lives.

And now she is mad. She replied, "I'm just gonna keep the plan as is because I'm already having a dinner with my family on my actual birthday. To be honest I am upset you are having your own party knowing you'd be free that certain day and you didn't tell me so I could have my party that day. I wanted my few close friends to be there, especially since you didn't come last year. I do really feel passed over."

I then responded "I'm sorry you feel that way. I mentioned I was having my annual Christmas party, so it was no secret, and you kept mentioning the second weekend of December as your date, which I said from the get go was a date I didn't know if I could do. You didn’t ask us about any other days or times, and you kept mentioning that second weekend so that seemed like the plan for you. I planned my party another weekend on one day I knew I was free, otherwise I wouldn't be having a party at all. I was offering to go out to dinner, not as an alternate to your plan, but as us celebrating another night so I could celebrate with you still. I really hope last year isn't being held against me. I feel that is quite unfair. I was working and then was teaching fitness classes until late in the night. I could not make it to the location and I felt really bad that I was not able to go."

Huge mistake IMO to text about this issue. Requires at least a phone call if not in person.

She and I agreed it was a miscommunication. But now she is saying that she is open to making it the 16th so I can go, but I have to cancel my party. I don't think that is very nice of her.

Right. I wouldn't cancel the party and I would stop communicating by typing.

Honestly you seem to want everything to work for you. Where are you compromising?

Oh my god just go to her party if it works for you and she can go to yours if it works for her.

Do people really make a big deal of this ****?