Don't know what to do with myself :/

I recently posted a thread about my relationship falling apart and me worrying it's getting to late for me to have kids.

It was my birthday recently and me and my bf spend a lovely day away a day before that but on the next day, my actual birthday, we had a massive argument

So yes, it looks like my relationship can't be saved it's been a few days now and I feel really low today. He'll be home very late today and I just don't know what to do with myself. I can't focus on work and on anything. Planning to go to the gym after work but it's still a long time and I just feel like my heart will stop beating any minute. Tried going for a run at lunchtime but didn't help. I can't stop thinking about what happened and I feel so lonely now and so horrible.

I know it will get better with time but I need something that would help me to feel better now as I may not survive until that phase is over

How did the argument happen? What was it about?

How did the argument happen? What was it about?

I had a lovely time the day before and he could see how happy I was. I said thank you several times and was all excited about that. But at some point the next day, I started to feel a bit sad but was trying not to show it too much. But I wasn't quite as bubbly as the day before. I was getting sad because of a mixture of things: because I'm at the point where another b-day means that I'm getting older and just want the time to stop, because a family member passed away and I miss her, even much so on that day, and because even though I was very grateful for the present he got me, I just wanted to feel loved and I was holing for some closeness.

Now I know that man think that if they gave me a present, they ticked that box and they automatically scored like 1,000 brownie points but it doesn't work like this. All I needed and was hoping for was a nice hug and to hear that he loves me but I knew I couldn't count on him saying that. And I haven't heard that for a long time now so hoped that at least on my b-day he would make and effort to say it. But obviously he doesn't feel love towards me so it made me sad. And even though I didn't want to talk about that and was trying my best to simply enjoy the day, he just kept digging and digging and when I finally told him what I was missing, he went livid and kept saying how ungrateful I was.

People say love in different ways . There are different expressions of love . For instance for my husband love is acts of service . While he does say I love you his expressions of love come in going to work ,making meals ,doing laundry and other menial tasks that's how he says I love you . But his means of supporting us is his big expression of I love you .

Maybe the both of you don't understand how the other says I love you . You want it say it in words and he does it in a different way .

Maybe the both of you don't understand how the other says I love you . You want it say it in words and he does it in a different way .

I understand what you are saying but the thing is that he used to say it a lot, so yes, it was also his way of showing love - by saying it.

When we started to argue, he shouted at me that I shouldn't expect him to say that he loves me if he doesn't feel like it because we are arguing so much. So here you go, he doesn't love me

I understand what you are saying but the thing is that he used to say it a lot, so yes, it was also his way of showing love - by saying it.

When we started to argue, he shouted at me that I shouldn't expect him to say that he loves me if he doesn't feel like it because we are arguing so much. So here you go, he doesn't love me

 

No ,it says he's frustrated by all the arguing why are you guys always arguing ?

There's also a difference between not actually loving someone and conditions not exactly being conducive to throwing the L word out there on a whim. As Victoria alludes, there's no real sense in showering someone with affection when things are looking and feeling toxic.

No ,it says he's frustrated by all the arguing why are you guys always arguing ?

About different things. Guess we have different expectations of what this relationship should look like.

As I see it, he wants peace and quite, which is what I want too, but it means that I ave to sacrifice everything for him and he's never even compromising. It's more like: you want this relationship to work so you need to give everything up and forget about all your dreams and about what people normally expect from a relationship. So either he has everything his way or, if I want to have something for myself as well, we argue.

I'm sad and frustrated as well. And don't know what to do any more.

There's also a difference between not actually loving someone and conditions not exactly being conducive to throwing the L word out there on a whim. As Victoria alludes, there's no real sense in showering someone with affection when things are looking and feeling toxic.

So what should I do... is the only solution to forget about the whole relationship thing?

What if you'd said: "I need a hug. I'm thinking about the family member who passed and feeling sad." Would he have given you a hug? Unless he's cold as ice, I'm sure he would've, and then you could've said. "Thank you. That makes me feel so much better." Those positive words would've given him positive reinforcement to repeat the behavior.

People can't read your mind. Ask for what you want. If it's reasonable and they care, they will give you what you want. If they don't care, yes, it's time to move on.

I don't know about your past history, but just reading this, it sounds like you expect your needs won't be fulfilled and you mope to signal your disappointment to your man, and then he gets irritated because he was clueless of what you wanted and now he feels less than for not reading your mind and being around someone in a bad mood.

I don't know how you phrase things, but if you say, "you never . . ." instead of "I'd like it if you . . . " then you haven't mastered the best way to get what you want. Instead of accusing, ask for what you want. Maybe certain behaviors don't come naturally to him or he hasn't witnessed the behavior you seek from his own parents. You have to let him know what you want in a mellow tone, and like I said, if he cares he will want to please you. If he doesn't, walk away.

What is the everything you have to give up? What is your expectation for this marriage and what is his ?

 

I don't know about your past history, but just reading this, it sounds like you expect your needs won't be fulfilled and you mope to signal your disappointment to your man, and then he gets irritated because he was clueless of what you wanted and now he feels less than for not reading your mind and being around someone in a bad mood.

 

You are right... he hurt me and made me cry so many times on important days like Xmas, NYE, Easter... my B-day last year was horrible and was really scared that this year would be the same. i really wanted this year to be different but it was even worse

So how do I pick up those pieces now/ And do I even try to do it?

He knew I wanted my b-day this year to be nice,unlike last year. And that didn't happen. We had a nasty argument and he really didn't care about being REALLY mean to me on that day. So do I even bother? I would never ever be mean to someone on their B-day or on any other special day but he was really taking pleasure in hurting me and being mean to me. Like he enjoyed he made me cry on my day when I should be happy. Normally people are looking forward to special days and I was just dreading it. And yes, he did hurt me so much on that day. I mean, he knew all I wanted was just to have a nice day without argument but he had to make me cry.

What is the everything you have to give up? What is your expectation for this marriage and what is his ?

We are not married, but he was married before and has kids, they are not little any more. (16, 18 and almost 19).

So I have to give up on:

marriage - he was married, I will never go through all that excitement that little girls are looking forward to

having my own kids - he has his

having our own house - he had one

I will never be a part of anything important happening in his kids lives

I am always spending Xmas on my own as he goes and spends it with his kids - but that also means with his ex. His kids could easily come for Xmas to our place but no

I'm excluded from everything important happening in his family and can't ever have my own with him

...and a lot more... he even cancelled our holidays and other plans several times because his ex told him last minute she wants to do this or that so he needs to be available and take care of her dogs so he goes there and stays there and I'm at ours on my own

Ok, so why are you there if this is nothing that you want ?

Sounds like you need to get out then and when you're ready, choose a partner you can enjoy life with, since what you're describing here is that the bad outweighs the good.

OK, so why are you there if this is nothing that you want ?

Because he always kept saying he would like to get married and have kids with me so it's quite recent that he told me he doesn't want that any more but I still love him and remember all those lovely moments we spent together and how I used to feel with him. Because he - used to - tick all the boxes for me, because I can't leave him.

Your desire for a home and family with a partner is reasonable, in the general scheme of things. It's just that you've chosen the wrong man to be with. If you have a relationship with someone with kids from a previous marriage, then the first family will always be present and nothing can change that - whatever he has promised you in the past.

You always need to start from here. If he's recently started to tell you that he no longer wants to get married to you - believe him. That's your situation right now, whatever he's said in the past.

Given all the arguments and unpleasantness, you'd be well advised to gather together your own resources and maybe spend a little time alone, before finding a partner who's on the same page with all this. Plenty of guys want marriage.

Incidentally, you might want to look again at your reasons for wanting marriage.

all that excitement that little girls are looking forward to is not a good reason. It is a legal contract and a binding commitment which someone who's operating at the emotional level of a little girl is probably not ready for.

 

Just sayin'.

Because he always kept saying he would like to get married and have kids with me so it's quite recent that he told me he doesn't want that any more but I still love him and remember all those lovely moments we spent together and how I used to feel with him. Because he - used to - tick all the boxes for me, because I can't leave him.

Ok , but memories are memories. This is not the present . In the present this holds nothing for you . He has almost completely grown children now and I can tell you as much as I love children my son is 20 years old and I do not want to start over again with a baby too old and too tired . Who wants to be collecting Social Security and paying for somebody else’s university at the same time ? That’s nuts . So my guess is he wanted a relationship so he told you everything you wanted to hear . And now that he has you he’s reneged on all of it .

If you want kids and family and house and all that stuff you’re not doing it with this guy so it’s time to go . You have to be with someone who wants the same things to be happy .

Your desire for a home and family with a partner is reasonable, in the general scheme of things. It's just that you've chosen the wrong man to be with. If you have a relationship with someone with kids from a previous marriage, then the first family will always be present and nothing can change that - whatever he has promised you in the past.

 

You always need to start from here. If he's recently started to tell you that he no longer wants to get married to you - believe him. That's your situation right now, whatever he's said in the past.

 

Given all the arguments and unpleasantness, you'd be well advised to gather together your own resources and maybe spend a little time alone, before finding a partner who's on the same page with all this. Plenty of guys want marriage.

 

Incidentally, you might want to look again at your reasons for wanting marriage. is not a good reason. It is a legal contract and a binding commitment which someone who's operating at the emotional level of a little girl is probably not ready for.

 

Just sayin'.

No, that is not the main reason I want marriage. I mention it only to say that a lot of women (and some men maybe) dream about it and they do get it. And it feels like he is denying this to me. Like everyone is better than me and they deserve this and like I'm not good enough to go through what is normal to so many people in the world.

Ok , but memories are memories. This is not the present . In the present this holds nothing for you . He has almost completely grown children now and I can tell you as much as I love children my son is 20 years old and I do not want to start over again with a baby too old and too tired . Who wants to be collecting Social Security and paying for somebody else’s university at the same time ? That’s nuts . So my guess is he wanted a relationship so he told you everything you wanted to hear . And now that he has you he’s reneged on all of it .

 

If you want kids and family and house and all that stuff you’re not doing it with this guy so it’s time to go . You have to be with someone who wants the same things to be happy .

But how do I do it? I feel so weak, I can't leave him. And I'm sacred tat no one else will love me and that I won't fall in love again. And most of all, that I will never be happy again.

But how do I do it? I feel so weak, I can't leave him. And I'm sacred tat no one else will love me and that I won't fall in love again. And most of all, that I will never be happy again.

This is only fear holding you back there’s nothing that’s really stopping you . People fall in love after love all the time .

Hell, I've just re-read your other thread!

Kathryn, this guy really isn't someone you should be looking to the future with. This relationship is really toxic and is having a terrible effect on your self-esteem, and the more you try to extract signs of caring from him, the angrier he gets.

When you say you don't know what to do with yourself - start by being nice to yourself, pick up interests you may have dropped - whatever - just don't look to him as the source of all the good things in your life. You must know people who make you feel good about yourself - now's the time to seek them out. If you don't feel ready to end the relationship, concentrate instead on living as well as you can, regardless of what he does or does not do.

He isn't someone who's going to fulfil your needs, any of them, and even happy occasions with him seem to end up as dramas.

I'm sacred tat no one else will love me and that I won't fall in love again. And most of all, that I will never be happy again.

Sweetie, you're already very unhappy. Your guy is not showing you the kind of love which would be meaningful to you, and while you stay in this situation you can guarantee that (a) it isn't going to change and (b) that you WON'T fall in love again.

Building up yourself - with professional help if necessary - may give you the confidence to leave this situation and at least give you the possibility of finding someone who will really care about you.

That's certainly not going to happen while you stay with him, and ironically your fears are trapping you in the very situation you're frightened of!

Is there a friend you can talk to today who needs your help? Is there a place you sometimes go volunteer where you can do some extra hours in the next few days? I strongly suggest getting out of your head in some way and as much as possible. Hang in there.

This relationship is really toxic and is having a terrible effect on your self-esteem, and the more you try to extract signs of caring from him, the angrier he gets.

This is exactly what's happening and how I feel

I used to be such a positive, happy person and now I'm just getting more and more depressed and I'm crying almost every day.