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Thread: Don't know what to do with myself :/

  1. #1
    25Kathryn
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    Don't know what to do with myself :/

    I recently posted a thread about my relationship falling apart and me worrying it's getting to late for me to have kids.

    It was my birthday recently and me and my bf spend a lovely day away a day before that but on the next day, my actual birthday, we had a massive argument

    So yes, it looks like my relationship can't be saved it's been a few days now and I feel really low today. He'll be home very late today and I just don't know what to do with myself. I can't focus on work and on anything. Planning to go to the gym after work but it's still a long time and I just feel like my heart will stop beating any minute. Tried going for a run at lunchtime but didn't help. I can't stop thinking about what happened and I feel so lonely now and so horrible.

    I know it will get better with time but I need something that would help me to feel better now as I may not survive until that phase is over

  2. #2
    j.man
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    How did the argument happen? What was it about?

  3. #3
    25Kathryn
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    How did the argument happen? What was it about?
    I had a lovely time the day before and he could see how happy I was. I said thank you several times and was all excited about that. But at some point the next day, I started to feel a bit sad but was trying not to show it too much. But I wasn't quite as bubbly as the day before. I was getting sad because of a mixture of things: because I'm at the point where another b-day means that I'm getting older and just want the time to stop, because a family member passed away and I miss her, even much so on that day, and because even though I was very grateful for the present he got me, I just wanted to feel loved and I was holing for some closeness.

    Now I know that man think that if they gave me a present, they ticked that box and they automatically scored like 1,000 brownie points but it doesn't work like this. All I needed and was hoping for was a nice hug and to hear that he loves me but I knew I couldn't count on him saying that. And I haven't heard that for a long time now so hoped that at least on my b-day he would make and effort to say it. But obviously he doesn't feel love towards me so it made me sad. And even though I didn't want to talk about that and was trying my best to simply enjoy the day, he just kept digging and digging and when I finally told him what I was missing, he went livid and kept saying how ungrateful I was.

  4. #4
    ~Seraphim ~
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    People say love in different ways . There are different expressions of love . For instance for my husband love is acts of service . While he does say I love you his expressions of love come in going to work ,making meals ,doing laundry and other menial tasks that's how he says I love you . But his means of supporting us is his big expression of I love you .

    Maybe the both of you don't understand how the other says I love you . You want it say it in words and he does it in a different way .

  5. #5
    25Kathryn
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Maybe the both of you don't understand how the other says I love you . You want it say it in words and he does it in a different way .
    I understand what you are saying but the thing is that he used to say it a lot, so yes, it was also his way of showing love - by saying it.
    When we started to argue, he shouted at me that I shouldn't expect him to say that he loves me if he doesn't feel like it because we are arguing so much. So here you go, he doesn't love me

  6. #6
    ~Seraphim ~
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    [QUOTE=25Kathryn;6908264]I understand what you are saying but the thing is that he used to say it a lot, so yes, it was also his way of showing love - by saying it.
    When we started to argue, he shouted at me that I shouldn't expect him to say that he loves me if he doesn't feel like it because we are arguing so much. So here you go, he doesn't love me

    No ,it says he's frustrated by all the arguing why are you guys always arguing ?

  7. #7
    j.man
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    There's also a difference between not actually loving someone and conditions not exactly being conducive to throwing the L word out there on a whim. As Victoria alludes, there's no real sense in showering someone with affection when things are looking and feeling toxic.

  8. #8
    25Kathryn
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    No ,it says he's frustrated by all the arguing why are you guys always arguing ?
    About different things. Guess we have different expectations of what this relationship should look like.
    As I see it, he wants peace and quite, which is what I want too, but it means that I ave to sacrifice everything for him and he's never even compromising. It's more like: you want this relationship to work so you need to give everything up and forget about all your dreams and about what people normally expect from a relationship. So either he has everything his way or, if I want to have something for myself as well, we argue.

    I'm sad and frustrated as well. And don't know what to do any more.

  9. #9
    25Kathryn
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    There's also a difference between not actually loving someone and conditions not exactly being conducive to throwing the L word out there on a whim. As Victoria alludes, there's no real sense in showering someone with affection when things are looking and feeling toxic.
    So what should I do... is the only solution to forget about the whole relationship thing?

  10. #10
    Andrina
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    What if you'd said: "I need a hug. I'm thinking about the family member who passed and feeling sad." Would he have given you a hug? Unless he's cold as ice, I'm sure he would've, and then you could've said. "Thank you. That makes me feel so much better." Those positive words would've given him positive reinforcement to repeat the behavior.

    People can't read your mind. Ask for what you want. If it's reasonable and they care, they will give you what you want. If they don't care, yes, it's time to move on.

    I don't know about your past history, but just reading this, it sounds like you expect your needs won't be fulfilled and you mope to signal your disappointment to your man, and then he gets irritated because he was clueless of what you wanted and now he feels less than for not reading your mind and being around someone in a bad mood.

    I don't know how you phrase things, but if you say, "you never . . ." instead of "I'd like it if you . . . " then you haven't mastered the best way to get what you want. Instead of accusing, ask for what you want. Maybe certain behaviors don't come naturally to him or he hasn't witnessed the behavior you seek from his own parents. You have to let him know what you want in a mellow tone, and like I said, if he cares he will want to please you. If he doesn't, walk away.

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