Boyfriend Grieving over Loss of His Father While in Navy Boot Camp and A Couple Days Ago, He left me

Hey guys,

So, as you all may now, long distance relationships are hard either way, of course we didn’t start as a long distance relationship until he left for navy boot camp on July 19th, 2017. My boyfriend and I met June 27th, 2017. Everything was PERFECT. We clicked right off the bat. Our relationship was never necessarily typical.. I knew what I was getting into because the first time we hung out he told me everything that was going on in his life. His father, who he was VERY close to, had stage 4 colon cancer and the night that he came out to see me was the night that him and his dad & step mom (who basically raised my boyfriend, his biological mom isn’t in the picture because she was unfit) got into a fight because his dad wanted to stop chemo. (Which he didn’t.) We were always close and inseparable ever since then, we were always spending time together out at his mawmaw’s house, my house, or his! We’ve been on a few dates and we even stayed the night with each other a bunch. I also became a part of his family right off the bat! His mom, step sister’s, brothers, allllll love me! I’ve always been by my boyfriends side no matter what. I am his first real relationship also... Well, eventually, he had to leave for boot camp in Great Lakes, Illinois for 2 months and 3 weeks. We wrote to each other religiously! Even before boot camp, he talked about having a future with me and he also wrote me letters about it. Sadly, in the middle of boot camp, his dad unexpectedly had to go into at home hospice care... He was 46 may I mind you! And my boyfriend had to go on emergency leave.. it took him a couple of days to finally get a plane ride back home. Luckily, he got there in time before his dad passed away.. It’s almost like his dad was waiting on him. I had a close relationship with his dad nearing the end. I knew that my boyfriend wanted me to visit him and talk to him. His dad was the person that I always talked to about everything while my boyfriend was gone... So, I stayed at their house while all of this was going on. At one point, I laid beside his dad who was breathing shallow and basically unresponsive at the time, reminded him that “H” my boyfriend is on his way. I even fell asleep right next to him. I love his dad.. It was a lot for me also.... But nothing in comparison to what much boyfriend feels obviously. A day later, his dad passed away. And a few days went by, and in those days we had the viewing, the funeral, and then my boyfriend had to go back to boot camp. He never really had the chance to grieve about all of this. Fast forward to a few weeks later and his family and I drove alllll the way up to Illinois for his boot camp graduation. I only saw him for that day... Since then, we’ve been living our relationship through FaceTime and phone calls... He then moved to Washington D.C. for ceremonial guard training and has yet had the time to truly grieve since it still is training. It’s basically like boot camp where you can have your phone. All he does is work on his uniform and PT. He wakes up at 5 AM every single day for PT and uniform inspections. My boyfriend becomes severely depressed in the process because a year earlier, he lost his beloved pawpa to the same cancer, in the same way.. Those were the only 2 men he could go and talk to. He’s felt alone ever since they’ve both been gone. He has no one there in D.C. and he has no real friends. I believe that he just needs to come back home (Which he will soon, I think in about a month or so, I don’t onow. He didn’t tell me because he wanted to surprise me!) at first, I was the person he went to to talk about things with. He’s cried to me and we’ve even cried together. But then we started arguing over stupid small things. Most of that was my fault but eventually I stopped. Despite distance, we still had a close relationship. But he began to push me away and doubting himself saying that he doesn’t love himself, he regrets leaving because his dad died, and how he hates who he’s become. He’s changed a lot. And I understand that he’s grieving and everyone has different ways. But a couple days ago, he broke up with me, crying and telling me “how can he love me the way I need to if he can’t love himself”, “I have to heal and I have to do it alone” and he was claiming that he didn’t want to do this and this is one of the hardest things he’s ever done, all while crying and telling me he loves me. Today is his 20th birthday too.. it just breaks my heart that I can’t be there for him physically like he needs. He has no one. And i’ll Admit, “H” doesn’t make the brightest decisions all the time. But his whole family and his life long best friend are all telling me that I should wait for him because they know that he’s so in love with me and that he’s just depressed and doubting himself right now. He’s lost 2 amazing men in his life to cancer in the past couple of years and needs to heal first. They know that this isn’t “H”.. He told me that he wants me to be happy and he doesn’t want to drag me down with all of this anymore. He doesn’t want to hurt me if he can’t be a good boyfriend to me because he’s grieving so much. I love this man to death and i’m Willing to wait for him. I’m already practically a big part of the family and according to everyone, I play a huge role in his life and ive been there for him from the day I’ve met him. Right now, I’m keeping my distance and letting him have his time. I’m getting his best friend to keep him in line and check up on him at the time. Everyone was so surprised with “H’s” actions towards me, but they know it’s grief and depression talking. What do y’all think? Do you think the wait is worth it? I made a promise to him and I want to keep it. I want to prove that when he comes home, I will still be there. His best friend said that he thinks that this is a good idea to stick around his family and wait for him. He thinks that this is one of the challenges that we will face and if I stick around, it proves to H that I really do love him. He’s had a really messed up past too. Facing abandonment with his biological mother, and lots of other things. I don’t want to show him that I’m giving up. I know he didn’t want to do this to me.. I just need the reassurance that this will all be worth it in the end. What do y’all think?

Yeah, the advice you've been given from his family is good advice. Hang in there and see if your bf comes out of his funk. But I was disturbed by the fact that you guys only dated for a month, you've only known him since June, and you've just about moved in with his family. He may be having second thoughts about the relationship and how you're already become his de facto "wife." He really doesn't know you very well and you're already acting like a member of the family. Just an observation.

Do i have the dates right? You only met him THIS year in 2017? If you met in 2015, i would say wait. Three months of no contact won't hurt you. 6 months of you think that he is the man you want to marry. But if it gets to be a year, move on. But since you only have known this guy for FOUR months -- i say - slow the heck down -- you sat on the bed with his DYING FATHER?? that is waaaay way too much involvement. I would not contact him. I would take time to heal in case you don't hear from him ever again and then maybe in a few months - after some soul searching, maybe start to go on casual dates - not casual sex- - but coffee dates/friends first if you think you are over him.

So, as you all may now, long distance relationships are hard either way, of course we didn’t start as a long distance relationship until he left for navy boot camp on July 19th, 2017. My boyfriend and I met June 27th, 2017.

^

Unless I'm missing something, it appears you only knew him for 3 weeks before he left for boot camp. With that being said, you barely know each other, along with not having enough time to form even a true emotional connection.

Either way, if he wants to contact you, he will, and not to sound harsh but the chances of that happening seem to be slim to none, (imo).