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My ex came back again.


mandeelove

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My ex whom I broke up with in March 2016 has come back again. I posted about him a while ago coming back in March 2017 after 6 months NC. It didnt work out too good, though he made it seem he wanted me. We only talked a little. He made it clear the past couldnt be resolved so we had no chance. He then entered into a relationship which he told me nothing about at the time. I found out on facebook. I had a bf too at that time.

 

We both went nc. I tried him a few times in june but no response. Now he reached out a few days ago after 6 months. He sent me a job opening which has to do with my career. I broke nc, saying thanks and i will apply. He then wrote longer emails implying he missed me and re thought everything in his life and feels I was the love of his life, that noone compares to me, etc etc. Hes on a breakup with his gf which he said never gave him feelings like I did. They may or may not try again but he was honest about the whole thing. Something about her being immature. I also told him about my situation that went south after 18 months and that Im not ready to date etc.

 

He wants to talk more and meet but I just dont know. I was very honest and told him I feel hes using me bcuz his new gf went downhill but he assured me hes not. Our relationship was filled with love and i do feel he really loved me. He came back numerous times but it was just too soon or bad timing. I got a bf 3 months after our breakup. He always says Im the greatest love he ever felt. No girl has given him that since us .

 

Well Im hesitant for the obvious reasons. Plus hes in limbo with his ex GF. I did love the guy very deeply but Idk what to do. Hes been texting be daily reminicing on old times and how good we had it. Hes very open but not overly open to the point of fakeness.

 

Weve been broken up almost 2 years now. Something always draws us back in. I feel im a totally better person since then and him too. I dont think hes coming back to reconcile but it does sound like hes thought of it. Ive had strong intuition/signs that hes the one for me .

 

Should I continue talking to him and eventuslly meet up, or cut it off? When i went nc i did feel better and it cut down my addiction to him. Now that hes coming back i do feel excited to hear from him but not in that needy way which I owe to nc.

 

Any opinions on what to do next? I dont want to get hurt again but at the same time I do have desire to speak to him.

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The only reason he contact you was because he's on the rocks with his girlfriend. If she were to change her tune, he'd drop you like he did last time. Cut it off. And make sure the job wasn't at the same company he works for or don't apply. The job opportunity was just a cover for the real reason he contacted you. He already told you that you had no chance with him - so don't give him one

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The only reason he contact you was because he's on the rocks with his girlfriend. If she were to change her tune, he'd drop you like he did last time. Cut it off. And make sure the job wasn't at the same company he works for or don't apply. The job opportunity was just a cover for the real reason he contacted you. He already told you that you had no chance with him - so don't give him one
Thank you! No the job was a totally different field than his.
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The only reason he contact you was because he's on the rocks with his girlfriend. If she were to change her tune, he'd drop you like he did last time. Cut it off. And make sure the job wasn't at the same company he works for or don't apply. The job opportunity was just a cover for the real reason he contacted you. He already told you that you had no chance with him - so don't give him one

 

Bingo.

 

Don't go there again with him, OP. He's not coming back for the right reasons and you are nearly guaranteed to get hurt all over again.

 

EDIT: I browsed your previous threads. Is this the same guy you once caught sexting other women?

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When you have chartered waters NOT together and has to make it on your own, it always, ALWAYS seems better when you look back and imagine a life with him , just use your imagination , do you really want to be back together with him ?
I do feel at times hes the one for me yes.. but dont know how that would work. I am also very experienced in dating and know I never felt that way for anyone. He openly admitted that too about his feelings. So I just dont know .
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Bingo.

 

Don't go there again with him, OP. He's not coming back for the right reasons and you are nearly guaranteed to get hurt all over again.

 

EDIT: I browsed your previous threads. Is this the same guy you once caught sexting other women?

Yes thats the reason we broke up but he was a changed man after that. I just couldnt trust again. It was better off breaking up.
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Yes thats the reason we broke up but he was a changed man after that. I just couldnt trust again. It was better off breaking up.

 

Then this right here is exactly why you should not even entertain the idea of reconciling. Trust issues (rightfully!) and suspect timing and circumstances for his recent return?

 

This is so not worth the risk, girl.

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Then this right here is exactly why you should not even entertain the idea of reconciling. Trust issues (rightfully!) and suspect timing and circumstances for his recent return?

 

This is so not worth the risk, girl.

Yes that is the main question for me...things got rocky with her so he ran to me. Thats why my antenna was up . He sounded genuine though so it makes it hard. Thank you
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You are just going to have to be really careful going BACK to a new relationship. Its just unknown if you can be successful or not on a second try. I would stay away from him and clear your head so you can get a better perspective on things! Good luck Mandeelove.
Thanks and he hasnt said anything about a second try so hes just feeling it out it seems. I am going to keep my distance and see what he does . If he gives up quick then I know he was just putting out feelers bcuz his new gf was no good.....
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I tried reading through your prior posts to get a read on this guy, but the timeline is a bit confusing, as I think he's the one before the 18-month guy who turned out to be a narcissist?

 

Can you clarify the dates for me? When did you start and stop dating? What was the main reason?

 

Sexting someone and then becoming a "changed man", and then reaching out to you while he's on the outs with a new girl.....well I'm sorry to say, but that smacks of a narcissist right there. Sounds like he is hoovering you because his new primary supply, this GF, has turned her back on him, so he's reaching out to you with all the wonderful thoughts and promises he knows will reel you back in. Then, when he knows he has you on one string, he'll hoover her back (if he hasn't already). They usually like to keep a few going. Add in the fact that who knows who he's sexting, social media messaging, etc., and we have no idea what his true intentions are.

 

I can see how delightful this all sounds. Ex from a while back returns, professing his undying love! What a great story. Only in the movies.

 

Look, I get how intoxicating this can be. My narc ex from 3 months NC reached out to me this weekend, via text, telling me that his niece's wedding just wasn't the same without me. Boo freaking hoo.

 

What these messages from your guy, and mine, really mean is:

"My new primary supply has gone cold. She has either not turned out to be what I wanted her to be, or I have ticked her off to where she has turned her back on me. In my desperate attempt to maintain my ego, I am reaching out to you. You in?"

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Okay re- read this. This says all you need to know.

You posted this after the break up with this guy

 

03-02-2016

 

I am freeee.

 

I just wanted to vent here... I have had many posts before about my relationship. A man who cheated on me in Sept via sexting... A man who controlled everything from what i wear, what time i should sleep or drink coffee, who I talk to , what I post on media and a man who never let me have say in what he did. He could only control me....I wasnt allowed to ask questions about his day! He said only he tells me what i need to know. !! He controlled sex from how frequent we did it, and how fast i should orgasm. If i didnt orgasm , all hell would break loose. He has told me i couldnt speak about sex and something was very wrong with me if i had a complaint or asked for sex at all. My drive should be his drive ..period..no extras..He judged me for my past and present. Called me terrible names. Made me feel crazy. This man didnt care for my feelings. If i was uncomfortable about social media (where he cheated on me) hed say hes doing what he wants. He rushed the whole healing process of gaining trust. Had to be on his clock....I agreed to things i hated. I became who im not. Waiting on a man? Waiting to see him? For him to call? His rules always......waiting for sex? I lost who i am but thats over a time of slow manipulation. I never thought id ever be in a situation like this but emotion abuse creeps slow. I wanted to write this forum because today we had a fight. He calld me a motherrf**er and of course said I deserved it. He said i caused all the bad in this relationship but i know its not true. Something woke up in me. He said never to call again and i took my phone. Blocked every number he has, blocked on media, and even deleted my medias just to have no way of tracing me. I have finally got strong. I cannot live like that.

I wanted to share this because for any girl going thru this, u can escape it. U have to get rational and know when a man blames u day in and day out its not only u . Its him. I suffered emotional and mental abuse but luckily didnt turn to physical. I def think it could have if time went on. !!! He had that potential....For weeks i felt bad intuitions. I couldnt place my finger on it but something was wrong. I feel alot better now in just a few hours. Its going to be hard to break a cycle of toxicity. Its harder than a normal breakup but i realize u get addicted to the bad . U start to feel worthless so u stay. Especially when u have a man saying hes the best guy ever, girls would be glad to have him !! He should be treated as such!!! U start to believe u should treat him better since hes sooooo great. I was trying to please him. I blew my bank account taking him away or buying nice stuff to show my love. I was very sweet. Nothing worked!!! Its a cycle... That addiction needs to be broken. So im def gonna be lonely but i know im better off alone. If ur miserable in a relationshop, u can be miserable without it. Atleast u have ur dignity. I thank anyone for reading this and hope it speaks to any girl going thru abuse. I didnt want to hear anyone about this being bad but i wish i would have.

 

 

Read it again? Now how do you feel about him?

He's bad news!

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Thanks for finding that, sara-pezzini. It just makes my point even more firm.

 

This guy is a Narcissistic Sociopathic abuser. And before anyone says anything, I know, I know....I'm not a therapist. I just calls 'em like I sees 'em.

True! Thanks everyone, I re read my post too. And it brought back the facts to me. It is all movie like but it cant be real. Or it is, and theres too much baggage from before. But I dont think he is a narcissist. I know i said it back then but my 18th month bf was a true one. Once i met a true one I knew my prior ex wasnt bcuz my prior ex had a hugee heart. He was always loving. He could empathize with any pain etc . But either way he was tough to handle at the time. I do believe he has changed now. Seems way more mature but either way Im going to keep my distance. I did just go thru a breakup with a true narc so kind of vulnerable. This place gave me a snap back to reality though hust now. Thanks guys.
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I dont think he is a narcissist. I know i said it back then but my 18th month bf was a true one. Once i met a true one I knew my prior ex wasnt bcuz my prior ex had a hugee heart. He was always loving. He could empathize with any pain etc . But either way he was tough to handle at the time. I do believe he has changed now. Seems way more mature but either way Im going to keep my distance. I did just go thru a breakup with a true narc so kind of vulnerable. This place gave me a snap back to reality though hust now. Thanks guys.

 

Actually, everything you say about him points to narc. Even that he was "so loving", which is a shield narcs can use to make it seem like they are such great people. My ex, too, was "so loving and wonderful", and I really thought he was empathetic. You know what a loving an empathetic guy never does? Sext someone else. Make you feel like you're one inch tall for wearing something he doesn't like. Make you beg for sex, or give you a hard time if you don't orgasm.

 

I'm pointing this out because something, somewhere in your life led you to these guys. You repeated a pattern.

 

Dig deep in your past.....was there anyone in your life who had any of these bad qualities? A parent perhaps?

 

There is something drawing you to the abuse, to the familiar. If you're not in therapy, it could really help figure out where this is coming from, so you can break the pattern.

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Actually, everything you say about him points to narc. Even that he was "so loving", which is a shield narcs can use to make it seem like they are such great people. My ex, too, was "so loving and wonderful", and I really thought he was empathetic. You know what a loving an empathetic guy never does? Sext someone else. Make you feel like you're one inch tall for wearing something he doesn't like. Make you beg for sex, or give you a hard time if you don't orgasm.

 

I'm pointing this out because something, somewhere in your life led you to these guys. You repeated a pattern.

 

Dig deep in your past.....was there anyone in your life who had any of these bad qualities? A parent perhaps?

 

There is something drawing you to the abuse, to the familiar. If you're not in therapy, it could really help figure out where this is coming from, so you can break the pattern.

I think Im just really bad at noticing red flags or I see them and go ahead anyway. Im not sure. I had a prerty good childhood and loving parents so I really dont know but Im sure therapy would help.

 

I didnt know they can fake love for long because he always had love. It never stopped or formed into devaluing, and when he comes back its still all love and concern. Its never all about him. Its all about me in our convos.

 

My last bf never had empathy, not even in the early stages. He came on strong for a week, then the rest of the relationship was coldness and it only got worse. He was never there for me. Never listened. Id cry and he turn away. The other guy was there for me. I got sick during that time and had some deaths in the family. He really was there for me. Even today he makes sure my family is ok. I dont think a narc can keep it going so long like that .

 

Either way though lol not the guy for me. It isnt right to be so controlling and jealous. He had his abusive ways, narc or not.

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But he wasn't "all loving" or empathetic. An all-loving guy wouldn't give you a hard time about what you're wearing. Or how you are sexually. That's devaluing.

 

Called you terrible names. That's devaluing.

 

Gave you the silent treatment constantly. That's a major red flag.

 

And it was all about him: he wanted sex the way he wanted it, and you had to submit. He gave you a bad time if you didn't orgasm, because that hurts his ego. He wanted to control social media. He cheated.

 

Look, you can paint him all you want....he's a narc, and he's abusive.

 

The reason I keep harping on this is that it seems that you're trying so hard to believe this "changed man" is now so wonderful. I'm just trying to help you see these flags so you won't get hurt again.

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But he wasn't "all loving" or empathetic. An all-loving guy wouldn't give you a hard time about what you're wearing. Or how you are sexually. That's devaluing.

 

Called you terrible names. That's devaluing.

 

Gave you the silent treatment constantly. That's a major red flag.

 

And it was all about him: he wanted sex the way he wanted it, and you had to submit. He gave you a bad time if you didn't orgasm, because that hurts his ego. He wanted to control social media. He cheated.

 

Look, you can paint him all you want....he's a narc, and he's abusive.

 

The reason I keep harping on this is that it seems that you're trying so hard to believe this "changed man" is now so wonderful. I'm just trying to help you see these flags so you won't get hurt again.

Thank you and you are right. Its all facts. It blind sided me that he texted me after all these months and after he was happy with a new girl. I didnt expect it. He started talking about the good moments which had me feeling good. But I am not going to take him back and I dont even think its what hes trying to do. Its prob an ego thing bcuz the honeymoon wore off with her.

 

I appreciate you helping. I reslly have no intention of starting up again. I guess it just felt good to read those emails but going back would be dumb so Im creating my distance. He and I only emailed since Wednesday. I will easily go back to nc. We havent hung out or anything. No harm no foul.

Like I said before too, the nc was very helpful for 6-7 months. It broke my obsession to him. I feel like I could never fall in that cycle again. Nc really works! Yes I answered him but it was a nonchalant thing, not a desparate thing like in the past.

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My ex .. coming back in March 2017 after 6 months NC

 

How is it possible for him to come back if you were NC?

 

NC is deleting and blocking his phone number. Blocking on social media. Blocking on email.

 

Sounds to me you always want to leave the door open and never really went NC.

 

This boy has bad news all over him. Sorry to be blunt, but you are letting your heart / loneliness rule your life

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How is it possible for him to come back if you were NC?

 

NC is deleting and blocking his phone number. Blocking on social media. Blocking on email.

 

Sounds to me you always want to leave the door open and never really went NC.

 

This boy has bad news all over him. Sorry to be blunt, but you are letting your heart / loneliness rule your life

I did go NC on all areas and he was blocked. He sent me an email on an email address I dont even use and happen to check. It was on there. And I answered to say thanks about sending the job info. So i broke nc which was my mistake. But i was full nc . No social media , and blocked him everywhere. I really forgot about that email.
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