Conflict with mother - regressing and feeling stupid about it

I had to move back with my family a few years ago because one is ill, and I can help more financially if I live with them and share expenses. So I’m living with my parents in a very small house, but they are not happy people.

My mother and I really trigger each other. Truthfully, she is triggered by nearly everything and everyone. She runs on fear and anxiety, and she harps on stuff constantly and deflects blame. It seems impossible to solve conflicts with her because she plays martyr and goes into blame deflecting mode. I end up sarcastically saying “You’re right, I’m a horrible person and I should just kill myself” to get her to stop. That or a sincere apology won’t even stop her though. Once she is wound up she will harp and harp and harp and keep ranting to herself even if you leave the room. She may also follow you into another room. When younger I’d scream or lock myself the bathroom to get her to stop (not effective of course).

So truthfully, I can be temperamental, but I have chilled considerably over the years. Most people find me incredibly patient and non-reactive now. I practice what I call “radical acceptance”, so that I don’t follow my mom’s pattern of freaking out a lot. I just accept stuff for what it is and try to move to mitigate a situation as best I can. But because my mom has had no self-growth in life, she is still in that pattern of trying to control everything and flipping out when it doesn’t go her way, and it triggers me sometimes. I feel like I regress 10 years and am disappointed in myself.

This morning we had a blow out because I drop her off at work on my way to work, and I was running 20 minutes late. I don’t make excuses for running late, but it’s not arrogance or carelessness. I have the crappiest sense of time, have a body clock at odds with the 9-5 world, and I’m still trying to get a handle on it. This is not a flaw forgiven easily by those who don’t struggle with time, and it’s something I get shamed about frequently, which then adds to my struggle because I lose motivation. I’ll be on time for weeks, then have a bad day and that’s all people notice. Being on time for me is like doing calculus for people who struggle with basic algebra. Because punctuality is simple for most people, they don’t understand how it can be a struggle for others. My strengths in life are always what others aren’t good at, and my flaws are what the are good at, so they have no sympathy nor appreciation for me.

I see glaring personality flaws in others, but know that no matter how much I were to point it out (which I don’t), it won’t change overnight or probably any time soon, even if they strive very hard. My radical acceptance includes taking people as they are and striving to see how some part of them is trying, and often this prove more effective as far as getting better responses from them. I know this means I have to accept that they may endlessly harp on me about my flaws, and it’s hard to be forgiving and understanding when you don’t receive it in return.

My mom, being an extremely fearful person, thinks the world will end if she is 1 minute late, and so she freaked the hell out on me. She started on a tirade. Since I was a child this is how she deals with stuff she doesn’t like in life. It’s hard for me to take her as she is when she goes on a rampage. Probably a lot of my childhood wounds of being invalidated and harped on pop up. I probably haven’t forgiven her for it all because she never drops anything herself. It’s also difficult because she wants people to accept full blame and immediately improve, but she plays a victim in her life, deflects blame and doesn’t make any changes. Clearly, I have to be the first to make a move in the right direction.... I’m just feeling hopeless about getting a more positive reaction from her.

Anyone else struggle as an adult with your mother, and you’re not able to just up and leave and never see them again? Have you been able to successfully overcome getting triggered by her and not regressing during conflict?

I don’t want to fully cut ties with her, but I don’t really know anymore how to avoid or peacefully resolve these conflicts. It’s easy to say “don’t do stuff that ticks her off” but I’m an imperfect human with my own flaws to manage and it’s a lot easier said than done. Part of my frustration is feeling like I have to be perfect in life or people are going to attack me, which tends to make me detach from people. My reaction to that in the past was anger over being shamed, then preemptive rejection of people so they couldn’t shame me. I thought I was mostly over that and then I have an episode like this morning....

As you've noticed, moving in was not a good idea. Not because you don't get along, but because the cycle of regression is predictable. Parents habitually treat their children as children, and it's the move-out that corrects that to a manageable degree. If you want to supplement parent's income, you can send a check or deposit funds. If not, contact your local social services, and see what resources are available to them.

If your motives are to ease your expenses in addition to supplementing theirs, you've completed that failed experiment. I'd find another way to cut my own costs, such as a boarding house or a roommate situation, but bunking with bonkers parents isn't a viable option.

Head high.

Have you ever just put up your hand and told her to stop now because you're not going to accept that kind of verbal attack from her and then left the house?

Time to stop accepting her treatment of you. You are a grown adult now and you have a voice in how people treat you. Start using it without being abusive. Just stop letting her abuse you.

I am not a morning person by any stretch. I am a nightowl. And i am a slow starter in the morning. On a normal day, i would roll out of bed at 10 am if i could. I would never take a job where i have to go in at 6 am or something. I have a crappy sense of time - i tell someone i'll leave in 5 minutes and it turns out to be 15.

But you know what? I had some extremely important doctor appointments with a specialist one week. I had to leave the house at 5:30 to get there when I needed. its not my thing? But you know what? I treated them with the utmost importance. I turned technology off earlier than normal. i went to bed early. I set an alarm. I took a shower the night before. I know i'm slow in the morning, so i set my clothes out, I put everything i needed to bring on the passenger's seat of the car the night before - i set my alarm for half an hour before i should get up because i know i like to hit the snooze and i got the heck there because its important. If i missed i would really be out of luck because i waited so long to get the appointments. I made it so all i had to do was slide on my clothing, put my hair in a ponytail and go. Breakfast was no biggie

because the first day i was doing fasting bloodwork so couldn't eat anyhow.

I could have decided that "i am not like the rest of the world" and showed up at the appointment 20 minutes late and they would have told me "sorry" and i would have to pay for the appointment anyhow perhaps.

i WORK AT IT constantly. I have a phone with a calendar and i set alarms all the time about places i am supposed to be, things I am supposed to do.

I can't say "i am not a morning person, i get distracted, i have no sense of time" and act like the world needs to accept my condition -- nope. I just have to WORK at it a LOT more than other people.

I don't think it is a good idea to live with them. But I also think its wrong to think mom has a problem for having a problem being late. Yes, being one minute late is a big deal professionally.

So why not just treat getting to work yourself and getting mom where she needs to go as something important?

Maybe when you take a little more care -- you start planning so you are ten minutes early to everything - mom will see that you are taking pride and won't get on you. And she will have no reason to be upset for making her late - either.

I see glaring personality flaws in others, but know that no matter how much I were to point it out (which I don’t), it won’t change overnight or probably any time soon, even if they strive very hard. My radical acceptance includes taking people as they are and striving to see how some part of them is trying,

Its interest that you say you are into "radical acceptance," but say you see "glaring personality flaws". If you were into acceptance - you would look for the good in people. You would telling us that you have conflict with mom but would have told us the GOOD traits she has as well. It seems that "acceptance" means that people are flawed, and you accept that they won't change, rather than accepting THEM. People CAN change how they act if they want to. Maybe its time to ditch the "radical acceptance" and do as said as above to stop the fighting -- take more pride and care in what you do - and also, when someone is harping on you for no reason - stop listening and stay calm like said above.

@abitbroken

Your response reminds me of my mother. I considered texting her an apology, but this is the exact kind of response I’d get. I’d get a lecture that completely ignores any effort I do make and the apology wouldn’t be enough. She’d have to make sure I feel like a terrible person for having flaws, and I’d better never make a mistake again or it means I wasn’t trying. I’d get a series of practical suggestions hurled at me, despite her life being a crap hole because she doesn’t do what she needs to do half the time.

I could make a list of suggestions telling my mom to stop nagging in life, to stop blowing up out of fear, and tell her what to do instead that’s more effective, that world shouldn’t have to accept this behavior from her, etc. Logically she probably already knows it. Odds she will change are low, and even lower that she would never find it NOT a struggle should she choose to try and change. Having shame and guilt heaped on her and being given condescending advice would likely make it worse, as it’s harder to manage flaws when one is feeling down on themselves. Defense mechanisms really flare up then.

So the implication that I’m not treating something as important and that’s why I run late is simply not true. I have run late to things I deemed extremely important and tried very hard to be on time for and suffered the consequences. The person hurt most is me. I have also been on time for months because I DO get things ready the night before, set three alarms, force myself to try and sleep earlier with relaxing music and candles, etc. Unoriginal advice is not needed nor helpful. The suggestion that I’m not trying is outright insulting, untrue, and I’m sick of it. That’s exactly what we fought about.

The past two months or so I’ve gotten her to work on time the days I take her. Never does she say thank you. And despite my efforts, I do have times where I am human and I fail. Apparantly I don’t deserve forgiveness or understanding for flaws like other people do. I’m not allowed to have flaws, but everyone else in the world is. I accept others are flawed humans and that their weaknesses may not be something I struggle with, and that it’s all too easy to just label them deliberately “bad”. It’s this weird paradox to ask for that same empathy when it’s not their strength to give it, apparently.

You missed the point where my radical acceptance means I see flaws (of course they are seen) but DO choose to focus on the good in people, especially do I see the way they may be trying. Accepting people for who they are means accepting they have flaws, which means you see those flaws. People can change, but you cannot make them, especially not with guilting, shaming, harping or screaming. They have to choose to change. My mother will not let go of trying to control with such methods. I have tried and am trying to let go of it.

Staying calm and saying stop is easier said than done when she will continue on for minutes or hours anyway. She may not let it go for DAYS. That’s the whole problem with the regression thing too. You do mature and learn to handle things very differently, and then family brings the worst out, perhaps because you see how they haven’t changed and how your past behaviors were learned from them. It’s an EMOTIONAL hurdle to get past. Becoming perfect so as not to tick her off is not a long term solution because I will never be perfect. I could never be late again and it will be something else she harps on. I have to learn to not get triggered when she flips out. There’s all this baggage attached so the situation has heavier implications than her getting annoyed over a screw up.

So yes, stay calm - but HOW?

I am thinking of how to move out again, which will require a lot of other big changes I need to give serious consideration to .....and they want a bigger house to accommate other ill and aging family members who need help, and they need my income for that. Right now, I simply can’t afford to live on my own, roommates or not, AND help support them. It’s one or the other. I do feel indebted to them as my family, and that would really be held me against me forever if I just skipped out and didn’t help. It doesn’t sit right with me to do that anyway.

Last time I moved out as an adult, I did so on a whim, and it was not good. Being more strategic takes time though, and I have to learn to cope in the meantime. I don’t believe in cutting people off anyway, unless they’re truly abusive. I don’t consider her abusive, but dysfunctional.

I think I’m just venting now. To clarify, I’m NOT asking for advice on time management. I’m looking to manage conflicts better as an imperfect human where becoming flawless is not an option.