Getting serious with much older guy

Hey there everyone, first time poster here. I'll get right to the point, I suppose. Back in the summer I (21) met a guy (42) at my gym and we quickly became friends. We obviously had a strong mutual attraction to one another, and not long after we met we started hooking up. Initially it was just a casual, friends with benefits type deal which was great for me because I had just gotten out of a long term relationship and I'd never had any casual sexual experiences before, so it was good for me to try. Anyway, as time went on we started to see more and more of each other. Rather than just hooking up, we started just hanging out or going on dates. As we've spent more time together my feelings for him have also grown and changed. When we first met I was only really looking for sex, now I feel head over heels for him. I decided to talk to him about it a few weeks ago, and as it turns out he feels the same. He told me that he'd wanted to be in a relationship with me since we met, but that he was worried about the age difference between us. I told him that I wasn't concerned by the age difference and we ended up saying I love you for the first time.

Since then I've been so incredibly happy. We've booked a holiday to spend New Years together in Paris and it's just been so nice to finally be in an 'official' relationship and know that he wants the same things I do. I know that it's fast, but I honestly can't stop thinking about the future with him. I can really see us getting married and having kids, the whole works. However, as I think about the future, I can't help but worry that maybe our age difference is too big. I don't know anyone who's been in a relationship with such a big age gap, so I don't really have anyone to ask for advice. What do you guys think, do you think things can work out in relationships with a very large age gap? Or are my thoughts for the future just wishful thinking?

So the two main issues in age gap relationships, aside from all of the issues that relationships can bring in general (which there are many), I think are 1) being at different life stages and 2) having vast differences in worldview/emotional maturity.

Have you actually checked whether this guy even wants to get married and have kids? If he's still single and without kids at 42, maybe it was never on the cards for him - that's probably a bit more likely than him just not having found "the one".

When you first enter an age gap relationship, it can seem really fulfilling because you're both getting needs met that previous relationships didn't meet - for him, he gets a bit more of the easygoing, less-serious, youthful fun of relationships and for you, emotional maturity and financial stability. But, things can go wrong just like any new relationship. My last age gap relationship, my ex over time I found took me less and less seriously and disrespected my thoughts/opinions often. I think I probably over-relied on him for some things too, and he got tired of playing that father-figure role (that's usually not what older guys go after younger women for). I've seen other issues come up too where family/friends don't approve or bully either partner, and issues to do with financial disparity - for example, the older/wealthier partner might not want to be financially supportive of the younger partner the way that two people who earn roughly equivalent incomes would support each other

But ultimately, you also get issues like that in relationships between people of similar age, and much more. I think the main issues for age gap relationships are, as I said, different life stages and different worldviews

So in regards to whether your relationship can work, I'd think it mature of you to broach the topic of life goals with him in the not-too-distant future. If you're already in an established relationship, checking whether your partner actually wants the same things you want is not jumping the gun if it's important to you. Basically, find out whether he wants marriage/children/whatever else you think will probably be dealbreakers for you

Slow down a bit! Marriage and kids?! How long have you known each other? Just take it easy and smell the flowers.

The bonding sex hormones are talking to you loud and clear.

Honestly, slow down. You have booked a vacation with this man....but do you know where he lives? Do you know if he has been married/has kids? Have you met his friend or a family member yet? What do you have in common aside from sex and working out?

One item left out by Glitterfinger's great post (but mentioned in yours) is the age difference later down the road. 21 years right now, while seemingly a huge gap to many people, might not seem so great to you...right now. And it isn't, as it doesn't impact anything that your are both enjoying. You are obviously young, and he is still young enough to be fun, active, virile, handsome to you, etc.

As the years go by however, certain things will magnify. For every year that passes, certain things will double for you. For instance, in ten years, you'll only be 31...still young in most all the ways, able to easily have/want children, etc. He'll be 52...definitely entering serious late middle age territory. And ten years after than...you're still only 41...still considered fairly young, the age he is now...but suddenly you'll be with a 62 year old who is contemplating retirement, possibly slowing down physically and socially, and simply in a life phase that is far greater apart than it seems now.

Let me tell you, a couple years ago I was in an amazing relationship with a woman 24 years younger. Yes, you read that right. (I was 54, she was 30.) I'm not a creeper kind of guy by any means. We met organically, and simply hit it off big time, as it sounds like you did. That was it, we were inseparable for six months. I was very dubious about the age difference, but as long as it was working, decided to enjoy the relationship. She insisted it was not an issue for her at all, and her actions supported that. She also was confident her family (in another state) would have NO issue with it as long as she was happy. She did talk about wanting a child or two, which believe it or not, I was not opposed to in the least. I looked at it as "I enjoyed earlier in my life what other couldn't while they were raising kids. So I'll do that part now, while they transition to kid-free lives." (I didn't have children).

Fast forward to meeting the family after six months, and the energy was weird...and after that trip, it all blew up. There were other 'reasons' given that don't matter now, but there's no question in my mind that once her family confronted the reality (even though they knew my age...within a couple years) of their daughter with a guy 24 years older...they were not excited about it, and definitely worked quickly to throw sand in the gears.

After a couple years now, I've looked back at it with a clear head and realized that 20+ years is huuuuuuge. What happened if we got married, and had say, 2 children, in the next five years. I'd have been 59 with 2 kids 1-4 years apart. I'd be over 70 when the first one was getting out of high school. Yikes! Meanwhile, when I was, say, 65, she would have only been 41. Physically, our physical differences/etc would be vastly wider than when she was 30 and I was 54. And odds are, we wouldn't make it much further than that, if that far---I'd be single again in my 60s, with 2 kids to pay for, and no wife. Not to sound pessimistic, but odds for a successful marriage are 50/50 at best anyway, without throwing in the age gap issues. That's just reality.

And at 21, your are still REALLY young with so many experiences in front of you.

Here's a test. Next time you are out together, look at him. Then look at a man who is in his early 60s. Could you see yourself with that man? Even though you'll be 20 years older then too, the difference between 21 and 42, and 41 and 62 is much, much wider, in all the ways.

There may be some who will chime in with anecdotes of themselves or someone they know being with a husband of 20+ years older, and how happy they are. But that doesn't mean that is forever either. There are a lot of moving parts.

Lastly, and I am going to generalize here because I don't know either of you--your infatution/feelings/etc for him are more sincere than his are for you. I can tell you first hand that having a girlfriend half his age is a huge vanity thing. I can almost assure you that it is, I lived it, first-hand. Men looked at me with envy, and I LIKED it. Huge confidence builder, and ego-booster. It was incredible. Though over the months, I convinced myself it was more than that and it was true love, yada yada, and don't let a 'number' decide things. But deep down inside...I did worry about the future, and her keeping her attraction as I got older, while she stayed seemingly young.

I was devastated when it ended, but now, a couple years down the road, I'm 57, she's not quite 33, living in a new city, new job, and in an exciting chapter of her life, that deep down I know she deserves to experience, just like I did in my 30s--not spend them with a much older guy who even though I loved her, was also under the influence of a big ego boost. Though she was 30 and could make her own decisions, I had more experience and wisdom, and admit it would have been unfair to her to keep it going long term (had it not broken off when it did). In your case, you have some amazing years to enjoy, in just your twenties! Be very careful losing those, not to mention bring kids into the world, for a relationship that statistically and intuitively, doesn't have great odds of going the (forever) distance.

Lots of thoughts here, but though I'd chime in from a 'been there done that' standpoint, from a man as well.