Buying my first home!... 1500 miles away from family... Excitement eclipsed by Guilt

I'm a 31 year old guy who has been living away from home since I went away from college. I've been bouncing around major cities for the past decade. Like a good son, I've made it home to visit my wonderful parents about 4-5 times each year. The entire time, my mom has made passive aggressive comments about how I should move back to my hometown, Buffalo NY. She talks about all of the great events starting in Buffalo (fun I could have), industry springing up in Buffalo (jobs I could get), and how "developed" Buffalo is getting (places I could live). These statements are not untrue, but she forces them into every weekly conversation and it's obvious she's trying to get me back there. She never says so outright, but it's an undercurrent we are both aware of.

I've been living in Denver for the past year with my long term SO (not engaged/married, but we will be soon). We are really happy here as it offers the sunshine and activity that our hometowns (Chicago and Buffalo) did not, so we decided we should start looking at homes (so that we can stop wasting money on rent and build some equity). We looked around the city, but realized we wanted a bit more space, and we eventually found a home in a suburb/mountain town. We are really excited. We have not closed, but we are working out the contract now, so it's all but final.

I haven't told my parents yet. I told my mom that we are looking at homes, and she reacted with surprise and feigned interest. "What type of home are you looking for... a home for you and SO or for a family?" She now changes the topic whenever I had bring up the home search. Until now, my mom wasn't too worried about me being away from home, because I hadn't settled down yet. She had been holding out hope that when I settle down, I'd do it in Buffalo.

What makes this even more difficult is that my SO and I travel for work / work from home, so we could live anywhere with our jobs. My mom knows that I could move to Buffalo with my job, and I'm just choosing not to. Worse still is that my younger sister lives about 35mins from my parents. She has a 1-year old son that, as my mom puts it, "only gets to see his grandparents every other week". So, Mom expects to see her grandkids a lot, because she had a tight relationship with my grandma and we saw her many times per week growing up.

Up until now, I have felt like life hasn't started yet. I'm not married, and I have not taken up permanent residence. I have been a 20-something exploring a bunch of different cities. Now that I'm closing on a home, I feel like I am finally "beginning life". I feel a mixture of excitement and joy at the thought of owning a nice home in a great town. I feel guilt and sadness that I'm starting it without the rest of my family.

I really want to make this work. I want to be happy in my new home and community. I want to see my parents often, and I want my parents to see their eventual grandkids often (when they happen in the next couple of years). I even want my mom (who is an interior decorator) to help me with my home. But I feel afraid and guilty to tell them that I'm finally settling down and it isn't in Buffalo.

I also feel guilty that I won't be around to help them with chores around the house as they age, or to drop by on a Sunday evening for dinner. Guilty that all interactions -especially when grandkids enter the picture - will continue to feel orchestrated and "special". I'm not against living it in Buffalo, but my SO largely is (convincing anyone to move to Buffalo to hang with your parents more is not easy...). So, while Buffalo could theoretically happen, it likely won't unless some family issue forces us there.

What is the best way to break this news (that I am excited by, but will crush her)? How do people on this board make long-distance from family work? How do you cope with the guilt?

Guilt is such a wasted emotion. Tell mom in a phone conversation that you have bought a house in your preferred place and that you are excited about it and want her to come see it asap and help you with decorating. Dont let her bring you down. That first convo will be hard for you but you have to remain upbeat and positive. If mom starts to whine, tell her nicely that you've made your deal and will be living in your new city and she can visit as much as she likes (assuming you want her there a lot) and then remain positive in what you say. Dont apologize for your choice, it is your life and you get to live where you want to live.

My mother tried that on me when I moved an hour from her city! I pointed out I wasn't leaving the planet. She wanted it all her way, which was not going to happen. She got used to the whole thing in time, and your mother will too. Dont let her get under your skin. I never felt guilt about moving away, and later on I did move 3 hours away and mother dealt with it.

You phone as often as you like, if mom is computer literate you use Skype to see each other. Stop feeling guilty for wanting to live your life as you see fit.

My mother tried the guilt trip thing on me too!

When I was 25, I was a relatively new hire at my company, and they closed my offices but offered me a position in the newly merged company, 250 miles away. They also offered me a substantial raise, plus moving fees, hotel stay, etc. So, on one hand, I had this job, or I had.....nothing. I took the job, and my mother wouldn't speak to me for weeks. Not only was she not a source of support, she took it so personally, that I had to do it all on my own.

Fast forward 30....yes 30!!! years!! (I'm now 55!), and I'm still in the same city. Best thing I ever did. I made friends my first day here, that I am still friends with today. I've long been a homeowner, and I have a different, but very satisfying, career.

My mother long ago got over it.

Learn from my lesson: Do what feels right for you. Live where you want to live. Buy whatever home you want to buy. Live the life that your mother & father prepared you for, and your mother will have 2 choices: a loving son with a (congrats!!!) lovely GF/soon-to-be-fiance/wife, or.....nada. It's her choice. You're the adult now.

When you are someones child you wave goodbye and know you have the right to go and live your life

when you are someones parent you dread ^^^ that day

I see all sides .

I relocated from my hometown (40 plus years there) almost 10 years ago because of my husband's job. I completely understand why you want to live where you live -and am familiar with both Denver and Buffalo. The only thing I would consider is that if you start a family you won't have family nearby to help. That proved difficult for me at times, living so far away. Even if I had stayed our parents were elderly by the time we had kids but still it would have helped and yes I did feel badly that they didn't get to see their grandson as often as I would have liked.

With all due respect, it sounds like your mom will complain and guilt trip no matter what you do. Is that accurate?

Some people are like that. She's complaining about your sibling who lives 35 min away. And guilt tripping you.

Guilt is such a wasted emotion. Tell mom in a phone conversation that you have bought a house in your preferred place and that you are excited about it and want her to come see it asap and help you with decorating. Dont let her bring you down. That first convo will be hard for you but you have to remain upbeat and positive. If mom starts to whine, tell her nicely that you've made your deal and will be living in your new city and she can visit as much as she likes (assuming you want her there a lot) and then remain positive in what you say. Dont apologize for your choice, it is your life and you get to live where you want to live.

Thank you - this really resonates and I should apply it to more than this situation, i.e. not feeling guilty for my life and preference. I absolutely do want them to visit a lot.

My mother tried the guilt trip thing on me too!

 

When I was 25, I was a relatively new hire at my company, and they closed my offices but offered me a position in the newly merged company, 250 miles away. They also offered me a substantial raise, plus moving fees, hotel stay, etc. So, on one hand, I had this job, or I had.....nothing. I took the job, and my mother wouldn't speak to me for weeks. Not only was she not a source of support, she took it so personally, that I had to do it all on my own.

 

Fast forward 30....yes 30!!! years!! (I'm now 55!), and I'm still in the same city. Best thing I ever did. I made friends my first day here, that I am still friends with today. I've long been a homeowner, and I have a different, but very satisfying, career.

 

My mother long ago got over it.

 

Learn from my lesson: Do what feels right for you. Live where you want to live. Buy whatever home you want to buy. Live the life that your mother & father prepared you for, and your mother will have 2 choices: a loving son with a (congrats!!!) lovely GF/soon-to-be-fiance/wife, or.....nada. It's her choice. You're the adult now.

Thank you, it's nice to hear others' war stories with a similar situation How has this worked for you? How often do you see family, and who is doing all of the traveling? Were you close before.. are you as close now?

When you are someones child you wave goodbye and know you have the right to go and live your life

 

when you are someones parent you dread ^^^ that day

 

I see all sides .

Thank you for helping me to see the "mom" side in this. Part of my conundrum is I want to remain close to her. I do not want to leave her in the dust saying "it's my life and I'll live how I want." Yes, that's true, but I'd really like her to be happy, and us to remain a close family as well.

I relocated from my hometown (40 plus years there) almost 10 years ago because of my husband's job. I completely understand why you want to live where you live -and am familiar with both Denver and Buffalo. The only thing I would consider is that if you start a family you won't have family nearby to help. That proved difficult for me at times, living so far away. Even if I had stayed our parents were elderly by the time we had kids but still it would have helped and yes I did feel badly that they didn't get to see their grandson as often as I would have liked.

It's true - I will miss free babysitting. The SO's parents are close to retirement and thinking about Denver as well, so that would help. How do you stay in touch with them and keep them connected to a growing grandson?

With all due respect, it sounds like your mom will complain and guilt trip no matter what you do. Is that accurate?

Some people are like that. She's complaining about your sibling who lives 35 min away. And guilt tripping you.

Bingo. I don't think there will ever be enough grandkid time with them, due to how much grandkid time they gave my grandparents. They set a really high bar to live up to, but it's the measuring stick they will be using, i.e. "Grandparents should get to babysit every weekend, and I only see mine every couple of month."

So as far as keeping in touch it was hard. I used to speak to my MIL every other day or so (she passed away 4 years ago ) and we would see them a few months out of the year from when he was a newborn till age 6. My father in law passed away right after my son turned 7 and my dad passed away a few months later. Our parents all lived within a few miles of each other (coincidence) so we managed to see them all when we visited for those few months. Now that we go to our hometown less it is hard. And you really feel it especially if, like our parents, they're not on the computer and don't skype, etc. A lot of my friends skype with their parents/the grandparents.

That is great news about Denver and that they might retire there. I really didn't mean to discourage or dissuade you and I'm sorry she's trying to make you feel badly/guilty.

Thank you, it's nice to hear others' war stories with a similar situation How has this worked for you? How often do you see family, and who is doing all of the traveling? Were you close before.. are you as close now?

It has actually been very good for us, and we get along better, and are closer, than we were when I lived there.

We see each other maybe 5-6 times a year, maybe more? I lose count. It's a relatively easy drive. The only reason it's less now is that my parents just can't do the drive here anymore, so it's up to me to go there. My sister & her family still live there, and my brother & his family live where I live. So we all get along, and all see each other fairly often.

Re: My mother. She had to just get over it. My brother ended up living here....he was actually here before me for graduate school, and he stayed, and ended up raising his family here. So my mother, well, she had 2 choices: get over it and get along, or lose contact with 2 of her kids and their families. She wisely chose to just get along, and her grandkids do love her.

We are far enough apart that there is a ton less friction than living in the same city, but close enough that it's not too difficult a trip.

And looking back, it was one of the best things I ever did in my life, as it became a pivotal growth point for me. I think it will be for you too.