How much should I find out about his sex life during time apart?

I've was with my ex for 10 years and he broke up with me because he was no longer sure if he ever wanted to have children.

 

After 3 months apart he now says he has realised he made a big mistake, wants to have children but importantly with me.

 

However ,while apart he has slept with other people.

 

Should I find out who those people are and ask questions even though it will hurt. I'm not sure I can accept it and move on unless I do. I might be forever wondering if it is every woman who likes a picture of his on social media...But, is it better to just accept that as as part of his journey he made mistakes and the less I know about it the better?

 

Any experience of this or outsider advice welcome.

I think that if you want to ask questions, then you must be able to handle the truth or leave if what he tells you is more then your sensibilities can handle.

For me , I would know that can of worms would destroy me... but ...not knowing and my imagination filling in the gaps would also destroy me .

oi troll ..leave vulnerable people alone !!!!

You need to know, because your sexual health may be at risk.

And insist he gets tested for STD's.

I don't know what good will come of you knowing. You probably think you feel terrible not knowing so knowing will make it better but I highly doubt it will, the betrayal happened and no matter what you find out it's up to you to decide whether or not you can move past it.

Maybe you've already covered this with him, but what happened in such a short time apart to make him change his mind so drastically? Sorry if that raises any issues that are uncomfortable but in all honesty that was my first reaction when reading your post.

I don't know what good will come of you knowing. You probably think you feel terrible not knowing so knowing will make it better but I highly doubt it will, the betrayal happened and no matter what you find out it's up to you to decide whether or not you can move past it.

 

They were broken up. I don't see it as a "betrayal".

 

OP, do you think knowing the details will make you feel better or worse?

I wouldn't ask. I don't think I'd want to know because it would really bother me. For me, I'd just want a blood test so that I knew he didn't get any diseases during our time apart.

“Man, I’m glad they told me they had sex with (insert number) people! My life is more fulfilled now. ”

 

- Unknown (because no one said it)

Be careful what you wish for!

I don't think it's worthwhile knowing who he slept with, and in his position I'd be uncomfortable admitting to every encounter if there was more than one. What good does it serve?

 

The most I would want to know is how many and whether he used protection. The number might bother me if it's unusually high - 2 or 3 people is understandable in 3 months, especially if he was trying to distract himself from the pain.. 5-6 or more? I'd be wary of someone who went that wild after a breakup, and the issue of whether or not he used protection and is willing to get an STD check would tell me more about whether I can trust him than him spilling the details of his encounters

 

Who the people are is of little importance if he agrees to remove all contact with them

 

I don't think you truly want to know the details, you just want to know whether he's being honest and acting with integrity

I've was with my ex for 10 years and he broke up with me because he was no longer sure if he ever wanted to have children.

 

After 3 months apart he now says he has realised he made a big mistake, wants to have children but importantly with me.

 

However ,while apart he has slept with other people.

 

Should I find out who those people are and ask questions even though it will hurt. I'm not sure I can accept it and move on unless I do. I might be forever wondering if it is every woman who likes a picture of his on social media...But, is it better to just accept that as as part of his journey he made mistakes and the less I know about it the better?

 

Any experience of this or outsider advice welcome.

 

I think the bigger issue is that he interrupted a 10-year relationship in order to sleep with other people. I would be very wary about taking him back on that basis alone. If you insist on going forward in this relationship, make sure he passes all of his STD tests before you sleep with him again. That may mean waiting a couple of months if rapid results tests are not available.

Just get him tested for STD's (although it can show as negative for up to 6 months after the sex) and use protection until then.

 

If you already know he slept with other people, do you really think the number will help?

 

Ask him if you must, but be ready for an absurd number because whatever number it is, you'll be heartbroken again. Although I do agree if he slept with like 20 different women in the span of 3 months, I'd say he's not relationship material, so I guess that's worth the ask.

I think the bigger issue is that he interrupted a 10-year relationship in order to sleep with other people.

Where did you read that? I didn't see that he had broken up with her to sleep with other people but rather because he wasn't sure if he wanted children when he knew she did.

 

I would be very wary about taking him back on that basis alone.

perhaps, IF that is why he broke up with her however... breaking up with her first is a whole lot better then staying with her and sleeping with others.

 

If you insist on going forward in this relationship, make sure he passes all of his STD tests before you sleep with him again. That may mean waiting a couple of months if rapid results tests are not available.

I agree that he should get tested and specifically ask for the herpes blood test because they don't do that one unless you specifically ask for it, apparently.

Maybe you've already covered this with him, but what happened in such a short time apart to make him change his mind so drastically? Sorry if that raises any issues that are uncomfortable but in all honesty that was my first reaction when reading your post.

 

Absolutely. I'd be more concerned about whether you two are on track to be a long term match than who he slept with.

 

To go 10 years without having children knowing you want them, then for him to break it off saying he doesn't want them , then in 3 months he's back with a different tune - something doesn't sit right for me about that.

Where did you read that? I didn't see that he had broken up with her to sleep with other people but rather because he wasn't sure if he wanted children when he knew she did.

 

I must admit I did make an assumption the same as jibs as well , wondering if this break , although the said reason is because of children , but is it more he wanted to play the field a bit , then come back to what is comfortable ...

STD test to make sure you're clean and that's it. You're just looking for a wound to infect otherwise.

Where did you read that? I didn't see that he had broken up with her to sleep with other people but rather because he wasn't sure if he wanted children when he knew she did.

 

I’m just reading between the lines. How does it take you ten years to figure out that you don’t want children, but only three months to change your mind (again). And oops you happened to sleep with a couple people during those three months— que casualidad!

I’m just reading between the lines. How does it take you ten years to figure out that you don’t want children, but only three months to change your mind (again). And oops you happened to sleep with a couple people during those three months— que casualidad!

 

**Standing ovation and cheering***

**Standing ovation and cheering***

 

*Two thumbs down* lol

 

@Jibralter: Surely you've read where a woman has stayed with a guy that has told her that he's not sure he wants children until her bio clock is nearly run out all the while hoping he changes his mind. For all we know, she's been pressuring him about this. Its also quite common to leave someone because you're unsure of going forward only to quickly realise that you've made a mistake.

 

Op: I see no point putting an assumed scenario into the equation. Go on the facts you have is my suggestion. Have you come to any conclusions since reading your thread?

*Two thumbs down* lol

 

@Jibralter: Surely you've read where a woman has stayed with a guy that has told her that he's not sure he wants children until her bio clock is nearly run out? Its also quite common to leave someone because you're unsure of going forward only to quickly realise that you've made a mistake.

 

Op: I see no point putting an assumed scenario into the equation. Go on the facts you have is my suggestion. Have you come to any conclusions since reading your thread?

 

Well it's nice to look at this thru rose colored glasses but it's really transparent what he did to her.

Break up, sleep around, go back. Had to sew his wild oats before committing.

 

Kudos to him for not just cheating behind her back though.

Well it's nice to look at this thru rose colored glasses but it's really transparent what he did to her.

Break up, sleep around, go back. Had to sew his wild oats before committing.

It's not about rose coloured glass looking, it's about going on the information provided. For all we know, she's been pressuring him about this to the point that he thought he should leave so that she can find someone that wants kids.

 

Kudos to him for not just cheating behind her back though.

Well yes if his motive was to just get some strange but again, we don't know that it was.

 

Perhaps OP can come back in and explain further what led up to his decision to call it quits, if there was any suspect behaviour pointing to him wanting to fool around etc. Until then, I don't see it as helpful to assume such things when she's trying to make a decision about what he did when they were not together.

It's not about rose coloured glass looking, it's about going on the information provided. For all we know, she's been pressuring him about this to the point that he thought he should leave so that she can find someone that wants kids.

 

 

Well yes if his motive was to just get some strange but again, we don't know that it was.

 

Perhaps OP can come back in and explain further what led up to his decision to call it quits, if there was any suspect behaviour pointing to him wanting to fool around etc. Until then, I don't see it as helpful to assume such things when she's trying to make a decision about what he did when they were not together.

 

No need to carry this on. You and I need to agree to disagree.

 

I told her in another post tell him to get tested for STD's so her health isn't at risk.

 

She might have been pressuring him, and rightfully so.

or get off the pot, right? It was 10 years.

It's not about rose coloured glass looking, it's about going on the information provided. For all we know, she's been pressuring him about this to the point that he thought he should leave so that she can find someone that wants kids.

 

 

Well yes if his motive was to just get some strange but again, we don't know that it was.

 

Perhaps OP can come back in and explain further what led up to his decision to call it quits, if there was any suspect behaviour pointing to him wanting to fool around etc. Until then, I don't see it as helpful to assume such things when she's trying to make a decision about what he did when they were not together.

 

yeah that is fair enough ... I would like to know more , cos as I said ...it was my first thought that he had broke up to sleep around then came back once he was done .