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Thread: New Relationship Anxiety/OCD or denial? Thinking about old crush...

  1. #1

    New Relationship Anxiety/OCD or denial? Thinking about old crush...

    I am young male in his 20s. I have begun a new relationship with a girl (known 4 months, official 1 month).

    Prior to this, I dated a girl for 2.5 years which ended bad on both sides and left some scars. I went into a phase of hooking up and talking to multiple girls. During this phase I met 2 girls that I was genuinely interested in. Girl #1 I had a crush on for like 7 months till I forced it and she blew me off, but it was more of a chase, I never really even hung out with, just saw her twice and thought she was super cute. Girl #2 I met and hung out with a few times, we had interest in each other but I was still very much into #1 but was attracted to #2 so we became friends.

    We went on "unofficial dates", like cooking at her house and going out to food spots and stuff. Whenever I was with her, I thought she was cute but we didn't vibe much conversationally. Yet, I was still attracted to her and looked forward to seeing her at clubs, events and always wanted to be around her I guess. Whenever we spent time together, I guess we were so awkward, we never broke the ice much or we just didn't vibe and I wasn't too into it but I still was somehow drawn too her whenever I saw her. Overtime, especially since I was in a phase and never aggressively pursued her, she lost interest or she moved on to speaking with other guys and our conversations, whenever I started them, were minimal and she'd barely respond.

    Fast-forward I meet my current girlfriend. Wasn't initially infatuated with her like i was with Girl #2 physically and my current girlfriend wasn't my typical type (cute, quiet, innocent), but she was super cool. We vibed so much, and she was open to hanging out and we got close overtime and I slowly fell for her. It took some time to open my mind and really appreciate her, but now I find her very attractive and cute and we are literally a perfect fit personality wise. Now I never had that infatuation stage with my current girlfriend but I do know when I see her, I am so happy and everything feels right and I am attracted to her and want to be with her. We progressed and eventually I asked her out and this is when my anxiety started and I thought I had ROCD. The week before asking my current girlfriend out, I saw Girl #2 at a club and had a small relapse in feelings (thoughts) but brushed it off as a joke.

    After asking my current girlfriend out, I showed severe ROCD symptoms cause I felt like I had permanent anxiety in my chest (woke up with it, went to sleep with it, went to the ER once too). I started comparing her to people, remembering how I wasn't as initially attracted to her, thinking about how she wasn't my normal type, thinking if I would've been happier with someone else, being over jealous, etc. All sorts of stupid stuff I did not think about at all till it got serious. Some days I thought this, but more recently I've overcome those thoughts because I realize how beautiful and amazing she is. Now my mind has obsessively latched onto the thought of, oh what if you properly pursued Girl #2, you definitely would've got her and you were so infatuated and drawn to her so maybe you would've been more happy. Knowing these were ROCD symptoms (even though it could just be denial but I will be going to therapy to figure this out), I looked at some techniques and once of them was ERP to face my fears.

    So, I went to an event Girl #2 was at yesterday, and I saw her, I felt awkward (naturally) but that was it. She was attractive but I didn't have any fleeting thoughts of oh, I want her or anything. As drinks were poured, and the night progressed, I was drawn to her in the sense that I could notice her in the crowd, or I watched her as she spoke to people but I wasn't thinking anything else but I still noticed her, which bothered me. We had small talk, and I was hoping to be reminded of how she isn't anything when it comes to how I vibe with my current girlfriend, but the talk didn't amount to much and then I started thinking, I never really got to know this girl. I want to be clear that I don't care for getting with this specific girl in particular, I just hate the thoughts that come to my head, that's it. I imagine things, but I don't think like, oh I wish I was with this other girl. It's just "What If's".

    I am not willing to lose my current girlfriend, and I know this is anxiety, overthinking and stupid. I hope its not denial, but all these issues started only after I got serious. I want to overcome this thought of my crush, and I'll be going to therapy for any other thoughts I have as-well. I think its grass-is-greener, and if I were to pursue this girl, if I get her, I'll more likely realize it wasn't what I fantasized it to be. I KNOW I don't want to pursue this girl, I just hate the thoughts that are in my head. Anyone dealt with this and know how to overcome, or is therapy my best bet to deal with a professional. Current girlfriend knows I have this anxiety and is choosing to stay while I find options for therapy and begin it, I'm just scared it could be denial and I may hurt her.

  2. #2
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    This reminds me of something I am going through right now. I work with a guy who reminds me so much of a past crush that I only hung out with a handful of times. One of my biggest regrets in life is telling my past crush that I wasn't ready for a relationship (I was so nervous) even though he was receptive of my interest.

    I definitely get the obsessive thoughts. What triggered them for me was me comparing the guy I work with the the guy I had a crush on. I keep thinking, "what would my life be like if I just pursued a relationship with the guy I had a crush on?"

    I found what really helped me was reaching out to the guy I had a crush on over FB. I sent him a couple messages and he never responded. It just made me realize that if he really cared about having a relationship with me he would have put more effort in during all this time; he didn't.

  3. #3
    Originally Posted by Iio
    This reminds me of something I am going through right now. I work with a guy who reminds me so much of a past crush that I only hung out with a handful of times. One of my biggest regrets in life is telling my past crush that I wasn't ready for a relationship (I was so nervous) even though he was receptive of my interest.

    I definitely get the obsessive thoughts. What triggered them for me was me comparing the guy I work with the the guy I had a crush on. I keep thinking, "what would my life be like if I just pursued a relationship with the guy I had a crush on?"

    I found what really helped me was reaching out to the guy I had a crush on over FB. I sent him a couple messages and he never responded. It just made me realize that if he really cared about having a relationship with me he would have put more effort in during all this time; he didn't.
    Thats smart! Issue is im in a relationship now so how do I message this girl randomly? That would be weird and I would feel guilty. Any thoughts? I know she'd reply but with not much interest.

  4. 11-02-2017, 03:57 PM

  5. #4
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    I just asked him if he knew about a hobby I'm currently interested in. I thought he would be interested too. It was a very vague and non-personal question.

    The last time we talked in person, I made it clear that I liked him, but he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. So, things were quite awkward. I thought if anything, pursuing a friendship with him would have been worthwhile, in order to ease the blow.

    I've read that just being friends with the person you like, allows things to proceed slowly and allow you to see the person's true colours. It's good thing that she would at least reply.

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  7. #5
    I can pursue a friendship...but knowing the past I don't know if that is a good idea.

  8. #6
    Originally Posted by Iio
    I just asked him if he knew about a hobby I'm currently interested in. I thought he would be interested too. It was a very vague and non-personal question.

    The last time we talked in person, I made it clear that I liked him, but he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. So, things were quite awkward. I thought if anything, pursuing a friendship with him would have been worthwhile, in order to ease the blow.

    I've read that just being friends with the person you like, allows things to proceed slowly and allow you to see the person's true colours. It's good thing that she would at least reply.
    I see, I dont want to pursue a relationship with her though since I have a girlfriend now, I just want to rid of this thought. We both never confessed to liking each other at the time, especially since I wasn't ready and I definately can't say that now. Should I still message friendly just to have a convo, if you think that would help?

  9. #7
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    When I keep thinking about my old crush, I like to believe that the reason why is because he is thinking about me too. I wonder why I think about him and think that there is some other worldly reason why he is on my mind; like he is supposed to be there.

    At the end of the day though, I thought critically about it. I compared my fantasy to reality and realized that my beliefs regarding his feelings towards me were wrong; if he cared enough, he would be afraid of losing me in his life. He clearly wasn't.

    There is a possibly that crush #2 MIGHT have feelings for you, especially if she knows that you have moved on and she hasn't. So, you could be sensing her feelings. Regardless, I wouldn't bother messaging her since you don't want a relationship with her and you have a girlfriend.

  10. #8
    Originally Posted by Iio
    When I keep thinking about my old crush, I like to believe that the reason why is because he is thinking about me too. I wonder why I think about him and think that there is some other worldly reason why he is on my mind; like he is supposed to be there.

    At the end of the day though, I thought critically about it. I compared my fantasy to reality and realized that my beliefs regarding his feelings towards me were wrong; if he cared enough, he would be afraid of losing me in his life. He clearly wasn't.

    There is a possibly that crush #2 MIGHT have feelings for you, especially if she knows that you have moved on and she hasn't. So, you could be sensing her feelings. Regardless, I wouldn't bother messaging her since you don't want a relationship with her and you have a girlfriend.
    I guess even if she did have feelings, she clearly isn't afraid to lose me in her life because she hasn't made much an effort to talk to me properly so that could help. Yes I do not want to pursue her, just trying to get her out of my thoughts, and what'ifs.

  11. 11-05-2017, 09:42 AM

  12. #9

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    Hi, I know you posted this in 2017, but I was wondering how itís going now? I am going through a very similar situation.


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