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Two dates and a lot of questions, opinions wanted


bbogdanov

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I can say I am relatively new to online dating. I spoke to a girl online more than a month ago. She was very open and talkative. After just a little bit of chatting she agreed for a date, less than 24 hours after our initial conversation.

 

We went out for a slice of pizza, walked in the park, sat on a bench and finished the evening in Starbucks for a cup of hot chocolate. It was very pleasant date, we talked a lot and it felt comfortable. She was curious about me, asked questions and was standing close by me. Eventually we parted ways and I didn't know what to do next. I am terrible at reading signs so I just froze for the next days and didn't reach out at all. I feared rejection and I just hoped she would message me (how stupid of me).

 

A month passed by and I finally decided I've got nothing to lose even though I could look like an idiot and I messaged her to see how she was doing. She was happy to hear from me and I explained to her the situation and why it took me so long to reach out. Maybe not the best thing a man can do (to declare he is a sucker) but anyway... We agreed for a date on the next day.

 

We went out for a dinner at a restaurant. It was the same pleasant feeling like the first date. Everything was going smooth and it felt like we know each other for a long time. After dinner we went out for a walk, got an ice cream, looked at all the shop windows like we're couple for a long time. After some time of bumping into each other and "incidental" touch she just drew her arm through mine and we walked the rest of the night like that. She seemed very happy and started behaving silly and girly, which I liked by the way. The evening ended with us kissing two times and wishing each other well.

 

The next day we messaged a little bit (as well as the previous evening when we got home) and we agreed for a third date. She was even eager to see me the same day but I couldn't so we decided to go out at the end of the week. Now I am about to go on a third date with her but there are a ton of questions in my head and much confusion.

 

- Is it normal for a girl to agree for a date just after a little bit of chatting, less that 24 hours after the initial conversation? Does that indicate some insecurity, lack of interest from men or whatever? As I said I am relatively new to online dating and I don't know how responsive girls are.

- Speaking of insecurity, I am now a ball of insecurity, which happened after my ex left me an year ago. Until then I didn't care about anything but her leaving me damaged my self-esteem a lot and now I feel I am not worthy of a relationship. I am constantly wondering when is she going to message me, will she do it at all, does she like me enough, does the kissing/hugging mean something deeper etc. I need some validation that I am likeable and loveable. I don't know how to fight that?

- I am messaging a couple of other girls from dating sites, nothing serious. Is that a proper thing to do while we are dating? I see she visits the website from time to time so I guess she talks to other men too (I guess it's normal). When/how should we arrange that thing?

- Do I have to ask her questions about her past relationships? We talked a lot about many things but nothing about previous partners. I don't know how long were her relationships, has she ever been unfaithful etc.

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Depending on the site, women have to make the first move. I personally hate texting back and forth with a complete stranger, so I usually try to make a date to meet. Thus far, no seconds for me, so you are doing great! If she was flirty she feels it too. Take your time. Get to know each other through doing fun things together. You do need to feel you are worthy of love again to be successful in any relationship fyi. So do some work internally too. Talk w a therapist if needed. Bringing the best you to a relationship is the responsibility of those who desire one. If that is what you want, get ready to do the hard work. Oh and on dating others, talk about it. If you are casual, then there is no obligation on both sides. I for one am not ready for LTR. So I will make that known to anyone who gets a second date. Talk w her and open up. It is the vulnerability of opening up that draws in closeness. So do that if it is what you seek, and it sounds like you do.

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i think it was a good idea to have a date after 24 hrs. after all, it's a dating site not an interrogation by text site.

she seems keen, so if i were you i would go with the flow of the date. i hope it's a pleasant date again for you.

dont let what happened with your previous relationship jade whatever you may find though. and at the same time don't let your guard down too easy.

from my experiences of online dating there are some genuine people on there. i think it is normal these das until you have the exclusivity talk.

as for asking her questions about her past, why not let her go first.

good luck and i hope you enjoy the 3rd date.

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You are right - it's a dating site but people in my country (women especially) seem to be not so open about dating even given the fact they are in a dating site. I mean - they hesitate, want to spend some days/weeks texting before even thinking about a "real" date, are a little bit puffed up, suspicious and so on. You, in the west, seem to be more open up and enjoy online dating, like it should be... That's why I was wondering if her accepting a date so soon was something to be concerned about, it's just not the norm here. I will try to not let my guard down too easy but I really enjoy her company and don't know what will happen

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TO me is seems like you are trying to find red flags where there aren't any. The more you look, the bigger likelihood you will find something that you could use to not be bothered pursuing a relationship. THis is called self sabotage. Perhaps this means you aren't interested enough yourself?

 

So, she said yes to a date a little too quickly, and seems eager even after you left it a month to contact her. I would relax a little and go with it. If you enjoyed each other's company, then just enjoy dating her.

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No, I don't want to purposefully "find" red flags, don't get me wrong. I don't want to self-sabotage myself, I want a serious relationship. It just seems too "easy", too good to be true. Maybe I am now with the wrong mindset which I acquired after my last attempt to be with a girl I liked (you can read my previous posts from the summer) as I spent a lot of time chasing her and all I got was confusion... So now when things seem to happen quick and naturally I am comparing it to my last experience and it feels strange. But I guess that's the way things should happen?? Fluent, easy, pleasant? I hope so. Meanwhile we are going out this evening, so wish me luck

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But I guess that's the way things should happen?? Fluent, easy, pleasant? I hope so. Meanwhile we are going out this evening, so wish me luck

 

That is how it should happen. Good luck.

 

And I know it is easy to compare to bad experiences in the past, but everyone is different. Enjoy.

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I am terrible at reading signs

 

I was about to tell you to stop doing this, but I realized that I do it too. But the ways we do it are different. When I'm interacting with a girl, whether it be online, text messaging, on the phone, or in person, I have a goal in my mind. Obviously, one of my goals is to get to know her, as I am continuously asking myself whether I'm still interested, but as it relates to what I'm talking about, I'm thinking this:

 

Online -> get her number or get her on a date.

 

Text message/phone -> get her on a date.

 

In person -> progress things as far as possible sexually.

 

I don't always accomplish these goals; and I don't consider myself a failure if I don't achieve them, since it can take more than one try to get her number, get her out on a date, have sex with her, etc., but at least I have these goals in mind and everything I do is geared toward accomplishing these goals. That way you won't have problems like this:

 

so I just froze for the next days and didn't reach out at all.

 

So don't look for signs as permission for you to proceed to the next step, but aim to proceed to the next step unless you receive some signs from her that she isn't ready to proceed. Actually, proceed to the next step, i.e., go for the kiss, and see if there's any resistance from her. If you get rejected, you can then back off and try again later.

 

I feared rejection and I just hoped she would message me (how stupid of me).

 

Until you have a girl sufficiently interested in you, she will not pursue you. You will get a feel for this if you interact with enough girls.

 

A month passed by and I finally decided I've got nothing to lose even though I could look like an idiot and I messaged her to see how she was doing. She was happy to hear from me and I explained to her the situation and why it took me so long to reach out. Maybe not the best thing a man can do (to declare he is a sucker) but anyway... We agreed for a date on the next day.

 

Don't wait this long ever again after a positive date/call. Girls have many options and they probably won't be on the market for this long. Plus, you send them the message that you're not interested. It wasn't a bad move to give her the reason why, but don't put yourself in that position by ignoring her.

 

- Is it normal for a girl to agree for a date just after a little bit of chatting, less that 24 hours after the initial conversation? Does that indicate some insecurity, lack of interest from men or whatever? As I said I am relatively new to online dating and I don't know how responsive girls are.

 

They will push to meet you soon if they really like you. You should view this as a gift. It's no negative indication on you.

 

- Speaking of insecurity, I am now a ball of insecurity, which happened after my ex left me an year ago. Until then I didn't care about anything but her leaving me damaged my self-esteem a lot and now I feel I am not worthy of a relationship. I am constantly wondering when is she going to message me, will she do it at all, does she like me enough, does the kissing/hugging mean something deeper etc. I need some validation that I am likeable and loveable. I don't know how to fight that?

 

I know exactly how you feel. This feeling dissipates as you talk to more girls and have more success. You have to endure it until you get through this stage. There's no other way around it.

 

- I am messaging a couple of other girls from dating sites, nothing serious. Is that a proper thing to do while we are dating? I see she visits the website from time to time so I guess she talks to other men too (I guess it's normal). When/how should we arrange that thing?

 

You are casually dating at this point, so it is very proper, and, in my view, necessary, for you to pursue other girls at this time. Until you are in an exclusive relationship, where both of you explicitly agree not to see other people, you should pursue other women.

 

- Do I have to ask her questions about her past relationships? We talked a lot about many things but nothing about previous partners. I don't know how long were her relationships, has she ever been unfaithful etc.

 

You can ask her whatever you want, but I usually don't. Not because I'm afraid to ask, but because I don't believe past performance indicates future results. I believe I'm different than any other man she's ever met, so she's going to treat me differently.

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I am looking for a serious relationship, nothing casual, but we've not discussed it. I assume she wants LTR, too, but that's just in my head. I guess I have to ask...

 

It's way too soon for this, or even to be considering a LTR. You barely know her. You need to find out of you like her and you work together before you make this type of commitment. It has to be casual for now. Casual dating is supposed to be fun. Enjoy this part of the experience and only escalate it if you've proven it to each other that you're a good match.

 

As to your second point, I believe all girls are looking for a LTR, so just assume it.

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That's why I was wondering if her accepting a date so soon was something to be concerned about, it's just not the norm here.

 

Nothing to be concerned about.

 

I will try to not let my guard down too easy but I really enjoy her company and don't know what will happen

 

You could sabotage a potentially good thing by not letting your guard down. She will sense this distance and it will make her feel distance. We're guys; we're supposed to be the tough ones who should be as open as possible in order to get the girl to let her guard down as well, as well as absorb the pain if things don't work out.

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No, I don't want to purposefully "find" red flags, don't get me wrong. I don't want to self-sabotage myself, I want a serious relationship.

 

You need to get some experience first so that you have a better idea of what a good match really is. Otherwise you could waste another X number of years on someone who's not meant for you. There is no short-cutting this step of gaining dating experience.

 

It just seems too "easy", too good to be true.

 

I call these lay ups (like in basketball) and they're the best. Accept it for what it is and don't question it or you'll screw it up.

 

Maybe I am now with the wrong mindset which I acquired after my last attempt to be with a girl I liked (you can read my previous posts from the summer) as I spent a lot of time chasing her and all I got was confusion... So now when things seem to happen quick and naturally I am comparing it to my last experience and it feels strange. But I guess that's the way things should happen?? Fluent, easy, pleasant?

 

The last one was a tough one. You probably needed more experience before you could pull that one off. No matter. Although you may not realize it now, you got valuable experience out of it.

 

Unfortunately, you'll realize that the prettier the girl, the more likely she will be like the last one. It's just the way it is.

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Well, our third date went fine but I didn't feel as good as the last time we were together. I enjoyed it but there was something strange about it. I think I felt like we were in a relationship too soon. She behaves like we are a couple but I can as well interpret her actions wrong.

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Perhaps after the third date she was expecting something more, but that's ok.

 

Just remember, if a woman is chasing you, she's not replacing you

 

You could always invite her over for some wine and make a dinner together and then just watch a movie afterwards....

 

also, I wouldn't bring up what the status is of you both. Just focus on having a good time and she willl bring up relationship status when she is ready

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I am looking for a serious relationship, nothing casual, but we've not discussed it. I assume she wants LTR, too, but that's just in my head. I guess I have to ask...

 

You went from this

 

Well, our third date went fine but I didn't feel as good as the last time we were together. I enjoyed it but there was something strange about it. I think I felt like we were in a relationship too soon. She behaves like we are a couple but I can as well interpret her actions wrong.

 

To this....

 

You are so not ready to be dating. You go from self sabotage to WHY WONT YOU LOVE ME?!?! back to self sabotage within hours.

 

Crazy making behavior. The irony is that's what you were so incredibly angry about the last girl doing the same thing to you, saying one thing and doing another. That's super hypocritical man. You treat people how you want to be treated. You either want a relationship or you don't. If you do let it be known, you can follow the advice of game players but it's not 'too soon' to let your intentions be known, unless you want to get caught up with another game player yourself which I really don't think you do.

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You either want a relationship or you don't.

 

Or he could wait to get to know her better before he decides? It doesn't have to be binary.

 

I believe my view is the most balanced: I enjoy casual dating and getting to know new girls. I'm not looking for relationship, but if the right girl came along, I put no limit on what things could turn into.

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Or he could wait to get to know her better before he decides? It doesn't have to be binary.

 

 

But he knows what he wants...

 

 

I am looking for a serious relationship, nothing casual

 

 

I believe my view is the most balanced: I enjoy casual dating and getting to know new girls. I'm not looking for relationship, but if the right girl came along, I put no limit on what things could turn into.

 

The OPer has stated many times he is looking for a relationship, I think he possibly has some things to work through first but he is most deffinetely not at the same place as you. Your view is fine for you and works for you, but it's not a catch all.

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Well, our third date went fine but I didn't feel as good as the last time we were together. I enjoyed it but there was something strange about it. I think I felt like we were in a relationship too soon. She behaves like we are a couple but I can as well interpret her actions wrong.

 

Translation: You are not all that into her as unlike the last girl who was difficult and didn't want a relationship with you, this girl is too "easy." Too "comfortable."

 

She is into you and is showing it, so there is no challenge, no "mystery," no excitement. Nothing for you to "work" for or feel inspired by.

 

Not judging you at all, but this is precisely why it is often advised that women play a bit "hard to get" and not make everything so "easy" specifically in early stages.

 

There IS or should be a happy medium here. For both genders.

 

Show interest but not "too" much or "too" soon.

 

But I don't know OP, you were literally obsessed with the last girl who gave you NOTHING but occasional scraps.

 

But you hung in and continued chasing.

 

That may indicate your own issues re commitment and relationships even though you claim to want those things.

 

This girl, whose interest level is clearly very high, is giving you exactly what you say you want, yet it appears you are not quite so intrigued by her now. I can sense it from the tone/energy of your above quoted post. Sort of meh.

 

Something to consider and explore (within yourself). If you don't, you will always struggle with these conflicted feelings of wanting a relationship and pushing it away when it happens.

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I do want a relationship, I'm dating with that in mind. But don't get me wrong, it just feels strange when she does some things... All of you offer the advice of having fun on dates, getting to know the person, enjoying his/her company etc. In other words - let things progress naturally and be yourself. Like I said I enjoyed her company, we kissed on the second date, hugged etc. But three dates doesn't mean we are already an established couple and do things like such. That's what scared me a little bit.

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But three dates doesn't mean we are already an established couple and do things like such. That's what scared me a little bit.

 

Sounds a LOT better than dating a girl who is calling her ex or other guys when you are not together and hooking up with them. Gross.

 

There's nothing that turns me off more than having a nice evening with a girl, spending the night together, and she is out calling her ex and having another 3 dates the following week. That's not the type of girl I'm looking for and it sounds like the girl you are dating is more reserved, normal, and loyal to ya...

 

Also, with my current gf after our first date she knew she wanted to only see me, invited me over to her place two days later....and the following week she was already staying at my place pretty much every single night....The girl is hot and sexy and loyal so I wasn't complaining

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I do want a relationship, I'm dating with that in mind. But don't get me wrong, it just feels strange when she does some things... All of you offer the advice of having fun on dates, getting to know the person, enjoying his/her company etc. In other words - let things progress naturally and be yourself. Like I said I enjoyed her company, we kissed on the second date, hugged etc. But three dates doesn't mean we are already an established couple and do things like such. That's what scared me a little bit.

 

What types of things is she doing that makes you think that SHE thinks you are an established couple?

 

Dude, there is nothing to be ''scared' of, define your boundaries, YOU set the pace.

 

She's moving too quickly?

 

Then slow it down! YOU have a say in this too you know, never allow the woman to run the show. YOU take control.

 

Assuming you like her, do you??? You attracted to her?

 

Feel that chemistry, energy like you did with the last girl who treated you like ****?

 

JMO but it doesn't sound like you do because if you did, you would welcome and enjoy her high interest, instead of being 'scared' of it, and finding fault after three dates.. Which is OK just be honest (within yourself) about that, and her.

 

I understand about not wanting an "instant relationship" but it would be helpful to know what she's doing that causes you to think that.

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1. Yes, it's a good thing to agree to a date fast -- ESPECIALLY with OLD, otherwise it will fade out fast. Not insecurity - it's smart.

 

2. You are insecure. We've all been there. Start working on yourself while you casually date. You should be finding friends hobbies. Upgrade your wardrobe. Get a nice haircut, workout. Do things to make yourself feel better about yourself.

 

3. You are "going on dates" you are not "dating" (you are not exclusive). It's so early that it's alright that you have been messaging others. When shouldnt you arrange exclusivity?When you feel it's right. There is no "right time," except for when you both feel it's the time.

 

4. No, you shouldn't ask about exes unless it comes up naturally in conversation. You can ask about previous relationships, but stay away from the exes themselves. And you shouldn't bring up exes them either probably. I

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