Was I raped? I feel so vulnerable emotionally and mentally. How to feel better about yourself?

Earlier this year I lent my hand to a "friend" and offered to help him study for a final exam because he was failing in the class. While we studied we had sex, against my will. We were studying for an intensive engineering grad level course required for undergrad. This is a class that he'd had taken 3xs already and failed. It was the only class between him and his degree. I offered to help him because I truly loved him as a friend. He was commuting 2 hours away to our university to take the class, and balancing work in another city. I felt obliged to help him. Although we were taking the class together, we didnt speak for a whole 3 months into the semester. Previously, I decided to cut contact with him a month before the semester began because of the way he treated me during the time we used to talk and things that I had found out about him which broke my heart. In the beginning of the semester, although I had his number blocked, he begged and pleaded via email for me to associate with him again. ( I knew these were manipulation tactics and that his motive was to continue using me for sex while he dated the woman he truly loved- he didn't know that I already knew of her). Fast forward to the end of the semester after seeing him struggle, I thought to myself that I was being petty and told myself that I needed to be mature and help him because I still truly cared about him. I approached him and and asked how he was doing in the class. We talked a bit and broke the awkward ice we hugged and he kissed me on the forehead and told me he missed me. Over the course of the week nearing finals it seemed back to be back to old times. I was back to encouraging him and trying to help him in the class anyway I could. His grade went from barely a D to a low C but he needed at least a B to graduate. According to our lecturer this was obtainable with hard work. The night before the final exam, he asked if he could come over and study. I worked late nights for a research lab and got off at 2am. He happened to be in town. I was hesitant to study with him reflecting on how he used to use me in the past but after enforcing that it was strictly for studying said it was ok. Within 30 min of studying on the couch, he had manged to pull my skirt off and I was trying to push him off. I kept saying no but he would not stop. Eventually I gave in. When he was done, he packed his notes and headed for the door. I was still shocked but managed to walk him to the door and kind of hug him. I immediately felt a wave of concern. The next day I texted him that I really wanted to focus on the final and that I really believe he can pass! He ignored my texts and during the next class meeting he ignored me as well. I felt so hurt, I balled up and cried in my car when lecture was over. I finally was able to get through to him via text and begged him to explain why he did this to me. I even admitted that I only cared about his success and that I was sorry if I gave him the wrong idea. He basically told me I was extremely sexy, smart and a caring girl but that didn't overlook the fact that I was weak, gullible, and dull. He admitted he was in love with someone else and that I needed to chalk this up as a lesson. Since then I have learned that he treats his current girlfriend like a princess and encourages her and does everything he can to show her he loves her. He even told a mutual friend he plans on marrying her. The times we dated, he didn't do anything but use me for emotional support sex and whatever else he could. I feel so dumb worthless and betrayed I just wish I could understand how men operate to avoid pain like this in the future. I wish I could get over this but I always go on his Instagram and see them together and the way he treats her. He truly loves her. I'm happy for him but just a bit depressed because I am going through things of my own and wish I had someone to love and support me. My friends say I need counseling. Idk how to feel about this tbh.

Let me get this straight...1) you repeatedly kept saying no 2) he pulled off your clothes without your consent and 3) you kept trying to get him off you but gave up because of his forcefullness? Sounds like rape to me through overpowering you. What do you want to do?

If it was me, I would go right to the cops with this one and at least try to get justice for just helping himself. Originally I would have punched him, probably more if I could. Although I am not you. Counseling through your school may be a good idea as well, but he violated you which is a crime. Colleges are starting to do more for their students involved in this kind of rape now, so I wouldn't hesitate with the truth.

Make a police report. Don't let this a hole think he has a right to do this to you and that he has a right to 'teach you a lesson'.

He is a predator with a huge ego and needs to know that what he did was criminal and he can't get away with it.

Yes, it was rape, 100%

He raped you, you said "NO". As soon as you have said that anything sexual beyond that time is forced is he should be charged.

Also am I correct that he is in a relationship?? If so contact his GF and tell her your side of the storey.

Thanks everyone so much, this happened so much earlier this year. I'm afraid if I report it now it would be useless. I guess my main issue is recovering from this. I feel like I should've gotten over this by now but I haven't. He put me through so much over the course of the time I knew him and everytime I decided I couldn't take it anymore and would cut contact with him he would beg for forgiveness. All I did was show genuine love to him yet he just used me. I'm so puzzled with how he could treat me so badly and treat another woman so much better. Especially since I saw first hand for myself how she treats him. Why he had to use me when he loves her? I experience the feeling of not being a priority by friends and family quite a bit and I feel so worthless. He was my first and I don't have many chances to date. Most guys view me as a sex object and are focused more so on sex than dating so I just stay to myself. I wish I could just go on with my life but I'm stumped. I keep trying to figure out how to better myself and not appear so weak. I wish I could make these feelings go away. I feel like I will never open up to anyone again and the thought of sex repulses me and even scares me sometimes... ugh what a life

Sweetheart, don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself. You don’t “just get over” being raped. I was molested as a child and raped as an adult. I am 1000 times better as the result of therapy but this is not something that one forgets or just gets over on your own. I would encourage you to talk to a counsellor who deals in sexual assault.

I am so sorry this happened to you .

You are also allowing this man to manipulate you. He does not care or love you. How he has treated you and how he has forced himself on you, but then he runs back to his girlfriend, is horrible.

He is using you and you need to find the strength within yourself to get away from him and stay away from him.

Do not let others people horrible behavior define you.

If men treat you badly, even friends and family, it is an issue with who they are, and not you.

Don't compare how he treats other women and how he treats you. He is someone who is capable of rape and whatever behavior he shows to another woman is manipulation. He is not a nice guy.

Have you sought out counselling? If you found the right counselor (and by right, I mean that sometimes you need to go through a few to find one that fits

you), they could help you heal from this and could help you find your self confidence and self esteem again.

Your strength is there, you just need someone to help your find it, and to help you heal from all of this.

I hope you will consider counselling.

How he treated you is just horrible. Manipulation, rape, using for emotional support, abusing the fact that you're a good person who wants to help others - even though you should put your preparation for exams first - and calling you "weak" for it. There's a special place in hell for scumbags like that. And he will never say sorry for it. If you ever be nice to him again, he will abuse it again.

You envy the other girl, but the fact is, in a way you're luckier than her. You had a brief encounter with a monster, and if they get married, she will live with him for years. He's not a good person with a healthy personality. Living with someone like that for years always shatters those who are closest to him. She will be tied to him by children, children that will have someone like that for a father, a bad, manipulative person with no conscience. That messes people up. She will need years of therapy when she realizes whom she married. How he really treats her, once the honeymood period of being extremely nice is over, and it always gets over with people like that. She will notice that not all of the sex that they had was consensual, but she ignored the feeling. She will get to know that he raped many women while he was with her. You had terrible times with him, but now it's over, you're free to heal after it and get to meet better men than him. And the way he will end things with her - because he will manipulate the situation to have the last word and be the one doing the breaking up - will be probably even more cruel than the way he ended things with you. In this sense, you're more lucky than she is. Unless she manages to gets out, too, and he will find himself another victims. The victims like you, for non consensual sex, and the victims like her, for an idealised princess to keep, use for other resources, and abuse in other ways.

If you feel like you need this and that you strong enough, I would still report him, because he will keep raping other women like he did with you. But your wellbeing is the most important thing here, so if you don't want to do it, that's ok too.

Keep seeking counselling and everything that will help you to deal with your pain. It will take time and there will be setbacks, but eventually it gets better and you will feel healed one day. Never be ashamed of what happened to you because you're not the one that should be ashamed.

Statute of limitations for rape is like 7 years from the crime. Meaning, legally a police report would still be valid in this case.

Yes, you absolutely were raped. Please seek support services for this and make a police report if comfortable.

Many states have no SOL on rape. The shortest i think is 3. Many are 30. You have every legal right to press charges, and should in my opinion.

It is Unacceptable.

I suggest you report him as well however: He may have raped you because no means no but because of the following, the chances of him getting convicted are next to none:

I kept saying no but he would not stop. Eventually I gave in. When he was done, he packed his notes and headed for the door. I was still shocked but managed to walk him to the door and kind of hug him.

we didnt speak for a whole 3 months into the semester. Previously, I decided to cut contact with him a month before the semester began because of the way he treated me during the time we used to talk and things that I had found out about him which broke my heart. In the beginning of the semester, although I had his number blocked, he begged and pleaded via email for me to associate with him again. ( I knew these were manipulation tactics and that his motive was to continue using me for sex while he dated the woman he truly loved- he didn't know that I already knew of her).

He's a dirt bag but in order for you to get over this and forgive yourself, you have to stop blaming him by saying he used you. This is because you kept allowing him back to do more of the same thing. That (said without malice) makes you a volunteer for anything that he did (prior to the non-consent in your opening post). If you felt he was using you and you knew he had a girlfriend, you have to ask yourself why you would give him the time of day.

I sincerely hope that you go to your University/college's psychological department and get the counselling you will need to help you to forgive yourself for continuing to let a guy you thought was using you to continue on with you. You will remain in a state of anger if you don't get help in letting it go and the boundaries in place where you won't let your kind nature allow people to take advantage of you. He, IMO should have been left to fail. He is the monster you've painted him to be prior to the incidence this thread is about... that alone is enough to let him sink or swim on his own.

In spite of the straight forwardness of my post, I am truly sorry this has happened to you. I am being straight forward due to the statement below from you and giving you advice on how to recover and that which will keep you safe from dirt-bags like him in the future.

I guess my main issue is recovering from this.

I suggest you report him as well however: He may have raped you because no means no but because of the following, the chances of him getting convicted are next to none: His defence lawyer isn't going to take into account that you were probably in shock when you hugged him goodbye.

I think it's more common than not than when a guy treats a girl like a dirtbag, the girl tries to forge it into a romantic thing by falling in love, caring, well... acting like a human being after sex. Because if she wouldn't, she would have to face the truth of what she was to the guy straightaway. Anyone who works in this area long enough should be experienced enough to know instances like this and be able to sort through the seemingly contradictory data. When I reported my teacher for harassment, I didn't hide the fact that I sent him love letters after his awful seduction, and the person to whom I reported it didn't care for the contradictions, that I was nice to him for a long time until he "rejected me". It was mine word against his in any case, and the school owner said he wouldn't take my word if this was the first instance he heard about, but I was the second woman. They didn't believe the first one, but since I told a similar story to that girl's, they didn't need to hear much else.

In instances like this the best option is to stick to the facts. The hard facts of what happened are the most important. It's best not to care if people listening will believe the story or how they will interpret it - the story is true and the fact are the facts, and they will do with them whatever they want to do. The facts are: he repeatedly made OP do something she didn't want, he used excuses to get to her place, he overpowered her, disrobed her against her will, didn't listen to her "no". Even if she sent him a "thank you" note a day later, the rape would still be as much of a rape.

Pursuing the charges is absolutely the right thing to do. True, the chances of this guy getting convicted are low, but 1) he deserves all the stink this case is gonna put on him, and not reporting it should make it consequence free for him 2) it's the right thing to do 3) they are low because date rape in the house with a friend you care about is harder to prove than a stranger assaulting you in the parking lot, but not because of something OP did was outside of the usual victim etiquette.

I think it's more common than not than when a guy treats a girl like a dirtbag, the girl tries to forge it into a romantic thing by falling in love, caring, well... acting like a human being after sex. Because if she wouldn't, she would have to face the truth of what she was to the guy straightaway. Anyone who works in this area long enough should be experienced enough to know instances like this and be able to sort through the seemingly contradictory data. When I reported my teacher for harassment, I didn't hide the fact that I sent him love letters after his awful seduction, and the person to whom I reported it didn't care for the contradictions, that I was nice to him for a long time, until he "rejected me". It was mine word against his in any case, and he said he wouldn't take my word if this was the first instance he heard about, but I was the second girl. They didn't believe the first one, but since I said a similar story a year later, they didn't need to hear much else.

 

In instances like this the best option is to stick to the facts. The hard facts of what happened are the most important. It's best not to give a sh*t if people listening will believe the story or how they will interpret it - the story is true and the fact are the facts, and they will do with them whatever they want to do. The facts are: he repeatedly made OP do something she didn't want, he used excuses to get to her place, he overpowered her, disrobed her against her will, didn't listen to her "no". Even if she sent him a "thank you" note a day later, the rape would still be as much of a rape.

Pursuing the charges is absolutely the right thing to do. True, the chances of this guy getting convicted are low, but 1) he deserves all the stink this case is gonna put on him, and not reporting it should make it consequence free for him 2) it's the right thing to do 3) they are low because date rape in the house with a friend you care about is harder to prove than a stranger assaulting you in the parking lot, but not because of something OP did was outside of the usual victim etiquette.

She needs to take her personal power back from him and once she does that, she'll forgive herself. She is asking us how she can recover and that is my advice on how she can.

I will say I think it needs to be reported. I have no clue whether it would get a conviction or not . But then at least there’s a paper trail . ( yes, I have stood in court against a family member that sexually assaulted me) It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life . I was 14 and had to stand alone because back in 1980 your parents were not allowed to be in the court room with you . And I will say rape laws are still extremely archaic and so is society’s attitude .

Thank you again everyone for your genuine help! I'm really grateful for your input and concerns and was able to come to some realizations and unveil deeper feelings because of your posts. You have been so very sweet and supportive almost like an extended familiy ❤️! Oh my goodness this is like therapy for me and so helpful. I agree with one poster reflecting on his behavior I think he was very egotistical. I can now feel that he thought that I was not good enough to treat well. That I was just good for sex. I wasn't someone he could see was worth good intentions. But he enjoyed my body. He acted almost as if he was entitled to sex with me. I'm not as hurt about this but am hurt why if he felt this way, why not leave me alone and not constantly harass me and guilt me into giving him attention. Yes someone was able to point out that I may be deep down envious of his new girlfriend. Yes I think I am jaded a bit and tend to compare myself to her subconsciously. How I found out about her, I ran into them in a restaurant. She seemed very sadity and snooty. She constantly disregarded him as they spoke and only held interest when he was talking about what he going to do for her. She was definitely prettier than me and dressed better. She had more sex appeal as well and was rather graceful. The way he looked at her and treated her with care and so gentleman like, was so foreign to me. It was almost as if I was witnessing him in a whole other persona. He confirmed that this was the woman he loved ( now gf) during our last exchange of texts. I feel that leading up to our last encounter he would always take subliminal shots at me indicating that although I had a great body and pretty face that I was subpar in other areas. I feel as if I'm constantly reevaluating myself. This is tormenting and mentally exhausting. I wish I could distract myself from this destructive thought pattern. But lowkey, this has overcome me. Yes the night that he and I studied, I am still very regretful with the way I responded. I was immediately very hurt emotionally after sex because it was almost like deja vu. I tried so hard to prevent being objectified by him once again, yet he took sex from me this time. I knew by the familiar the look in his face that he got what he wanted and had no reason to stay. And my heart sank, I felt degraded and broken way worse than before. Almost like dropping an already cracked iPhone over and over until its destroyed. I had thought to myself we had just reconciled, I had just gathered the strength to began communicating with him again, He wouldn't do this me so soon. I thought maybe my shirt was too tight or somehow it was my fault. When hugging him, I felt like I was almost trying to erase what'd just happened. Like he was still my friend in my eyes I just wanted us to be regular friends again without sex and most of all I wanted him to finally pass the class. (I was deluded at best 🙄 I am naturally a very peaceful person and not confrontational. And also I'm so used to suppressing my emotions, it takes me a while to decode how I really feel. As I think about this now I am so angry and I wish I could take better grasp of my emotions. As one poster mentioned, I have to take responsibility for my actions and establish boundaries. This will protect me in the future. I was naive to have him study with me but I didn't expect him to do what he did either. Some nights I can't sleep because I think of all this... As for reporting him, I know it's socially responsible and I still have the texts of him admitting to and mocking me of the rape but I feel like I'll be putting myself through more grief and not really getting to the root of my problem. Plus I heard him and his girlfriend are currently inseparable and on cloud 9. That would seem like I'm sabotaging his current relationship which I don't feel like I need to do. I don't think he'll rape anyone again.

Thank you so much for your advice ❤️

As for reporting him, I know it's socially responsible and I still have the texts of him admitting to and mocking me of the rape but I feel like I'll be putting myself through more grief and not really getting to the root of my problem.

This is absolutely a valid reason not to go through reporting.

Plus I heard him and his girlfriend are currently inseparable and on cloud 9. That would seem like I'm sabotaging his current relationship which I don't feel like I need to do.

These are absolutely invalid reasons He should have thought about sabotaging his relationship when he did this to you. You have every right to do whatever you want regardless of whatever relationship status he has. It has nothing to do with wishing them happiness or wanting them to break up - it's your right. There are instances when somebody doesn't report rape because they don't want to sabotage their career, good name, break up their family, etc... There's a nice image about this:

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I don't think he'll rape anyone again.

Why? As sad as it is, I think the chances of you being the last - or the first woman, for that matter - whom he treated that way are very small

Anyway, it's shouldn't have to be your responsibility to think what he will or won't do, you just concentrate on what you need to move on.

I wanted to point out that rape is about the assailant having power over a person, not about the victim themself. You have let your guard down after knowing how he was, but that didn't give him the right to do what he did. He gave you no lesson, instead he assaulted you against your will and belittled his atrocious actions by projecting the blame onto you in order to absolve any guilt he may have felt raping you. Another manipulation/power move.

It is correct to watch out for yourself, I know as an almost rape victim who had better instincts/reflexes, but that does not make you at fault for what happened. He did take advantage of you by force. He would have done it to anyone in a similar position and you won't be his last.

I wouldn't worry about any of the negative things he said about you, even though it understandably hurts. Those who are raped do not always act accordingly to how people think they should act, mainly due to the fact that the most common person who follows through with these assaults is someone close to them, which brings their emotions into play and overrules reason.

Your ex "friend" is a terrible person and his statements about you are not true. His thinking is so flawed that anything he says should just be disregarded, as his moral compass is way off. In my opinion, yours is much better. You made a mistake in trusting him, although at least you are a good person. Mean hearted people will say mean things just to make others more miserable than they are, which in a twisted way makes them feel better about themselves.

I recommend you should contact a rape crisis hotline. They are professionals and way more knowledgeable than the general public. They will help you cope in these hard times and be more understanding in a healthy outlook. I wish you the best!