He says he LOVES ME YET.. Porn is in the way. I am ready to LEAVE i CANT THINK

a NEW FRIEND RECOMMENDED me to this site. I never knew this site existed.

I have been living with my boyfriend two years and he was alone for many years. Use of Rum for 25 years . Functional Alcoholic. never in my life did I deal with Alcohol. We met here in the house where I live, because I lost my property and his mom took me in. His mom does not live here. So he came from another County and he came to live here too. and were roommates for 4 months then a relationship started.

A good sweet man, faithful. helpful. and a kind heart. I was alone for a long time so this relationship is good for him being alone so many years and me too.

At first he had porn in a bag, in his room and I thought it was ok. since he was alone a long time. Later as the relationship grew. He got rid of porn.

I thought he did, all was gone from the house. He does not use computers by the way, never learned and he is not interested. Porn is the magazines and later cds. but the cds were gone too.

Lets make this short!. Last Monday, he was going to work and he leaves early 6am. I woke up went running to say goodbye and he was masturbating , knowing I was in bed alone , he has a woman at home. I got so upset. ! He is working away for five days at the KEYS and now I have a feeling this porn issue will come back.

Saturday this past Saturday. was bad! I was at home and he said he was going to do an errand. When he got back I was doing housework etc.. and I could not find him at home. he was outside , driveway , in the car masturbating to magazines.

I am so devastated, heart broken and rejected. Our intimacy is great!!!!! I love him and Is wonderful! I never say no! if I was not available maybe I can understand. but

I cant deal with this!

if I leave I will be broken if I stay I will be too.

help!

One of two things here could be happening.

He might possibly be addicted to the magazines and porn. If that's the case, then he needs counselling to break free from it and be able to form a healthy , trusting intimate relationship with you. He has had so many years of masturbating to both the magazines and the porn, that it could be too hard for him to break.

You could gently talk with him about it and ask him if he is having difficulties stopping this behavior.

Secondly, it might be possible that he is just wanting an orgasm and does not want to put in the work of having sex with someone else. It's not lack of love for you, it's a matter of him just wanting to get to the orgasm and not bothering with anything else.

It happens, and it's not wrong.

It only becomes a problem if he is choosing that over you the majority of the time and is affecting your intimacy.

Since you're not sure which one it is or what is going on inside of his head, it's a good idea to try to talk with him. Not accuse, not make him feel bad, not be too emotional and get upset.

Just sit down and gently talk with him and try to understand what the issue is without getting upset.

Understanding what the problem is and helping him with it, will bring you closer to a solution.

Sherrysher. tears came to my eyes over your response. Thank you. he does not go to bars, I forgot to mention, he does not take drugs, RUM AND COCA COLA is the issue, He drinks at home and a true heart. All his brothers are faithful too. I am sad I am very loving , spiritual I am so broken. I know if I leave I brake down, but if I stay I wlll hurt. He is so true. He works, cooks, does the yard, take care of his mom when she needs him, the dog we have. Something went wrong in his life! His drinking. He is the best man I have had. he is American I am Cuban, but very american.! been here since little. We are both in the 50's. I never had luck, and he is so true. Sunday I stayed in Bed all day I could not move i was so broken! with what happened!. I am very loving and emotional. I need to get strong, I do want him to get help but he wont, very stubborn. I feel he does not love him by doing those things. it is deminishing to my well being, I feel less woman. Also the intimacy is good but he does not have an orgasm and now I know why. is the Porn. I am so sad!

How i my going to waste my last years like this, I am am attractive. I am not ugly... No idea what do to. is good you told me that. But he told me all American males do that! I said " no they dont, not in the driveway! when a man loves he loves his woman...

Again, it is not lack of love for you. It is a type of addiction. He has had many years of this behavior and it's difficult to break.

It is causing a problem for him to form a healthy intimate relationship with an actual woman in real life, but please, try to not take it so personally.

I understand how it can feel personal and how you feel less than, but it's not true. It has more to do with him and what he's gotten used to. It is something he needs to break and to relearn how to have intimacy with someone else. Right now, all he has programmed himself for is to pleasure himself with these substitutions and has done for many years.

He does need counselling to help him view sex differently and view intimacy differently.

It could take some time, as long as he is willing.

It's unfortunate that he is being stubborn, but then he needs to take this seriously if he does not want to lose you.

He needs to make a decision on what matters most to him.

Please don't feel less of a woman, you are not less than.

This is an issue he has created and needs to fix....and it's not you.

You are great ! SherrySher. I know you area so right not to take it personal but I do. Then at times I dont. then it comes back in my head again. He even told me it has nothing to do with me, but How can I believe that. No SherrySher he wont go to counseling I will sit and talk, but he wont! Can I ask you something please! if I sit and talk to him and he says no, that I know he will say no " and he says " I am a jealous woman and that I am crazy" ha ha ha!. But do think I can live like this . ? no I cant.

I want to pack and leave, my lady friend has a huge house, her daughter got married and she has that nice room for me. Leaving him can be two things a) he will miss me and realize, or b) he will say "she will be better without me". is hard to leave him but if he does not get help this will get worst. You are right I taught him how to love again. He was alone in his rum and porn.

this working away issue is killing me he is away five days and two days here on the weekend.! Is awful. I was alone so many years now alone again. and now as I said , his issues will be worst. His heart of gold and the soul is infected. Is so sad! to see people like this. I dont know anymore!

so I now when I go to the market, or whatever he might be using porn, you know how that makes me feel. LIKE nothing!

SherrySher you are either an older wise person or a therapist but your answers did soothe me a bit. I had peanut butter and jelly sandwich at 12:53am ha ha! thats how sad I am . not sad, just drained.

I feel I need to go! If he does not get help and or change, then three years from now what will this be. ? nothing. no kiss, no hugs. At the beginning he was cold and distant, his family is a good family but not affectionate, physically. They help everyone and nice, but not affectionate. I like touching, kissing, hugging. One of the things he does not do is seduce me. like with passion. that right there has killed me as a woman. No Idea anymore. ! but I have broken that a little he is more affectionate but this porn thing being away will not help.

I would give the guy a break. Your intimacy is great, as you say, thus his masturbation is a non-issue. This whole idea of you being upset over the fact that he pleasures himself once in a while is over the top. He and you should feel like you can relieve yourselves every so often without needing to please your partner as well (and, what, you've seen him do this only twice?). Otherwise, resentment will build up on his side.

He doesn't have an issue, you do. I am a woman, but I do pleasure myself without my partners involvement as well. It is actually mentally and physically healthy. If my partner had beef about me doing this while he says he has an otherwise fulfilling sex life, then I would have a serious problem with that. It is my body, not my partner's and as long as his needs are met then they shouldn't act so controlling.

The upset feelings are unjustified and making him change his rights to his own body will negatively affect your relationship eventually. Your worries are all theoretical "what-if's".

Except you also need to take on consideration Yatsue, that her partner is not having orgasm's when they are together, but he is with magazines or porn.

He also told her that he would quit both and is obviously lying to her. What makes it even more hurtful, is that he is running off (such as in the drive way) right when she is home and is available.

Add into it his addictive issues, one already with alcohol and now with porn and magazines.

He also calls her jealous and crazy and is not willing to seek any kind of help.

I think all of those things on combination would be making any woman feel less than and would be hurting.

Op is and has been fair with this man and he does have obvious issues.

Op, I do think you still should try and talk with this man and see if there is any chance for any of these issues between you two to be fixed.

If you're feeling this way, then your feelings matter too and you shouldn't force yourself to stay in a situation where you are not happy.

If it can't be resolved, then you might have to unfortunately consider leaving.

You never say no but how often do you initiate? A man needs to feel wanted too.

Except you also need to take on consideration Yatsue, that her partner is not having orgasm's when they are together, but he is with magazines or porn.

 

He also told her that he would quit both and is obviously lying to her. What makes it even more hurtful, is that he is running off (such as in the drive way) right when she is home and is available.

 

Add into it his addictive issues, one already with alcohol and now with porn and magazines.

 

He also calls her jealous and crazy and is not willing to seek any kind of help.

 

I think all of those things on combination would be making any woman feel less than and would be hurting.

 

Op is and has been fair with this man and he does have obvious issues.

 

Op, I do think you still should try and talk with this man and see if there is any chance for any of these issues between you two to be fixed.

 

If you're feeling this way, then your feelings matter too and you shouldn't force yourself to stay in a situation where you are not happy.

 

If it can't be resolved, then you might have to unfortunately consider leaving.

I never have orgasms with my partner either, in fact no partner I've ever had. Only by myself because it's very difficult to physically get to that point. However, I still have a good sex life with my partner even though I can never orgasm.

He only promised to quit the masturbation because she is upset, not because it is reasonable. He has to resort to hiding it more because he is being unreasonably guilted by his gf. The OP said their intimacy is great otherwise, hence this should be a non-issue and is more focused around controlling when he has his orgasms.

My current partner once tried to force me to try to orgasm in front of him. It was very difficult for me because it requires a lot of concentration and a partner distracts me from achieving an orgasm, as much as I enjoy sex with them, am attracted still, and wish I could. Truth be told, it put me off sex; made me dread sex because of this high expectation. This made sex a high pressure situation, instead of just enjoying each other in our own way. You think he doesn't want to orgasm with his partner and just to himself? That is not the case - I really wish I could but just can't. Something to think about.

I also read that he no longer drinks and decreased the porn since they started together, but the porn is coming back (I saw only twice). I don't see the problem on his end. Like I said, everyone should feel free to masturbate once in a while because it is normal and healthy, as long as intimacy is still good (orgasms are not included here).

If a partner wanted to leave just because I couldn't have the big O in front of them and would never let me do it alone, which is the only possible time I can ever, then good riddance! I'd be like, sorry not sorry my body just won't let me

Let me give you my male perspective.

I masturbate since I was 11. I watch porn since I was 17/18 or so. If I met you when I was 50, why would I stop something that I did for 3/4 of my life, that I do in privacy, does not affect our intimacy, etc? Unless off course, I choose to do it for myself... I won't.

If the sex life is fine, if he is caring/loving, etc, why does it matter?

Now, don't get me wrong. When I don't have a partner, I masturbate/porn pretty much every day. Now that I am with my girlfriend, it is more like... 1-2 x per week, and we have sex almost every day (or we get each other off some other way). If I was masturbating every day and neglecting her and our sexual life, then I am sure that she would be unhappy with that. But since that is not a problem, she doesn't care... and I think you shouldn't either.

Always there for him I am very loving and hot blooded. ! Tentative and very loving! he has issues. SherrySher has answered me correctly. he is not a bad person, he would be an incredible catch! if he did not have RUM in his system. He is not a crazy drunk. He is under control with that, very nice and quite, Never loud, no arguments as a matter of fact he hates to argue. he walks away. he likes peace and quite. Laid back guy!. I feel dead inside, lost and unwanted , not sexy and not a woman, there are no words to describe how I feel. Feeling this way takes your enthusiasm away from all!. I don't take pills or meds and drink I am naturally energetic and happy, I fall and get back again, it is my nature.! but I wish I could leave and erase all of this and be just free of worrying for him and now this! If I had a choice, if I had a choice! I rather he drinks and drinks and not the porn.! It is humiliating and awful to my well being. Actually I am a little afraid of being alone again, but yet being here is just toxic. I will miss him , cry, even stay in bed and not move for two days! or whatever! but I feel this is a jail. I love him yet! what is my life going to be in 3 years!

AtitAgain, Ok ! I understand. But when a man loves a woman ( specially 2 years of relationship) when a man wants a woman, let me put it more clear! When a man is "horny" or wants hot sex he has a woman that wants it too. If he is away for 5 days without me then whatever he does with his magazines is fine! I don't want to know!. But if he is here! in the house with me! I don't think is right or even NORMAL attitude to go to the car and masturbate to magazines. I repeat ! if a man is in love and horny! he has the woman.! Is values, is love and wanting that person, not a magazine , cold as ice!

I am not too into porn but if he sees it with me is ok! alone is not right when your woman is right there. We respect opinions and how we feel.!

Yatsue, thank your for participating ! I am not controlling! I want a man that loves, kisses and wants to be horny with me! not a magazine! That is they way it should be in life and a true relationship, at any age! I am hot and sexy and a great faithful woman, but there are values in a relationship. love is one and respect! The best way is pleasure with your loved one! If he wants magazines he can do it when he is away! that is his private world! but not around the driveway when I am right here! It is pretty low I believe! I Love him but also inmaturity is involved. he has not had a stable relationship, he has been alone, fishing, surfing and drinking and working ! no kids!~ Inmaturity and knowing how to meet a womans needs for love is involved!. Is a combination of a little bit of all!

If I have a partner , that is into love and me. if porn is little bit involved it should be between the couple! The only thing that holds me a little back is his values of being faithful of not being with someone else! He is true blue! but in a way to me HIM looking at the magazines is being unfaithful! Why would I look at someones elses body parts or cumming when I have the real thing at home! Everyone of us think different. Thank you

Sherry Sher. yes and thank you so much! yes I will talk to him . I have to talk to him though when I know I can go for sure! I only work commission on properties and I have not been focused. I need $ to move out and be my own again. It will be hard! Also sometimes people without knowing take forgranted of what they have right in front of them. Maybe being here and he knows he has me for sure , it is just another day with her kind of thing! which is sad truly! Not all relationships are like that! I believe in respect and love and that is the way I have always been. Being hot and wanting that person that voice and that smile! I am very romantic and passionate and very sensitive! that makes it all worst! Another woman maybe would have slept with two guys by now. I thought about it and I cant even imagine! I am not capable but is hard to cope with this situation.

Another thing is he comes home after 5 days and just gives me a small kiss. After 5 days I want a man to kiss me and be passionate , seduce me and then we cook and then we eat! No idea, is sad! I want him to be different , and is not there! He loves me like you said, in his own way.! He comes back tomorrow night I wish I had 8 more days alone to clear mind

I will work on me . Focus on me! I don't mention anything to him I act cool! but inside I am dying. I want him happy , in love and healthy.Thats all!

Word vomit aside, you are not really getting the point. There are few men who do not masturbate at all while under the same roof as their partner. Yes, you are there, but it is completely different having sex with a partner vs. masturbation. It is harder to orgasm with a partner, rather than alone by yourself. It has nothing to do with you in any way, but is a physical need. Do you need more sex/intimacy, or just want him to only masturbate out of the house?

His faithfulness shouldn't come into question just because of this. Sure, you can keep thinking this way, but expect to walk a lonely road or settle for someone worse off because you're really narrowing your choices for good partners.

You keep mentioning his affiliation with rum but seems not to be a problem now, rather one that was in the past. Could you please clarify, as it is unclear how much he actually drinks.

He is an alcoholic for 25 years DRINKS AT HOME! CLEAN CUT. MAN.. he has ruined his life! and thanks for the feed back. A person can masturbate etc.. ok fine. is part of the human body, desires, wants.. etc.. but when you have a woman at home and you feel hot .. you get your woman. period!. To me that is not love, to me that was selfish! When I love I love that man, and I want all the time, intimacy, when you love someone or desire. That was low and uncalled for. I truly think also alcohol is a huge part of his behavior sexually, is a combination of all.

Yes he is faithful, but he has issues! Please no matter what you say , when a man loves truly he does not do that period. And you are right in the other hand. out there there is nothing for me, and I can find worst that you are right about. The issue is, it is humiliating and low of a person to do such. he can do it but not when I am here. Tomorrow I am setting the three porn magazines in different positions, if he uses them while I go out. I am done! then he has an issue. We all think different, we need different things. Life is too short for this at least for me I want just to be at ease , not babysit. I do love him but I found it disrespectful.

Sorry to hear it is bothering you much. The thing is that 99.9% of men do that and the other .1% is just lying.

It would be more rude and disrespectful IMO for a guy to just demand and expect sex ANY time of the day, regardless if you are tired, depressed, sick, sad, angry, have a headache etc. etc. etc.

I am getting out of the relationship.! Im done! Im actually going to a hotel this weekend and then planning to leave. ! This Sunday it was great between us and then Monday Morning I find a magazine of his was gone. ! Listen. I know men do that. If hes alone is fine if he is away for 5 days he can do that! but not while I am in the house is disturbing and psychologically damaging. He will not change and I don't want this! It is very hard to leave him. But again,if the relationship was like 15 years even then, don't do it around me! period. !!!

It is damaging, I don't think is normal. When a man is hot . he goes for his woman! not a magazine! that is not normal to me! is sick and cold!

If our sex life was bad then I can understand , but its not! I love sex with him and intimacy, but I don't think is enough. I truly think that when a man is into his woman and plus in love there is no need for this BS.!!!!! I THINK CULTURE AND UP BRINGING HAS TO DO A LOT WITH IT. TOO.

I AM not against porn it is just that is not normal for a man to do such around the house when he has a hot/loving female.

it is sad to leave him but I cant be around here. Its diminishing I don't feel wanted or loved its just psychologically wrong.

After 5 days of being away. ! is just a small kiss! and then his RUM . 5 DAYS im ALONE HERE ... and I want a man to really kiss me hold my face and be more loving! because that is the way I am! expressive and loving

and maybe have intimacy .. but its not the sex. is the actions! hes alcohol takes him over. plus his father was not affectionate.! I go crazy here!. I want him to be more loving.

Its the worst feeling to look at someone and you want them a certain way and they wont change is not in them. Is frustrating.!!!!!

then on top of that the porn! No sorry, I think even though he is 55 intimacy should be more often, specially again , I have to repeat this if hes into you and loves you then desire is there.

but hes a great man, hes a provider, caring verbally, cooks, worries.. but I want it all! all! if not I am leaving and he wont change. Wont try to quit smoking or drinking!

I am just drained. I don't think he know true love really, RUM IS HIS LOVE AND IS VERY VERY SAD!

After 5 days of being away. ! is just a small kiss! and then his RUM . 5 DAYS im ALONE HERE ... and I want a man to really kiss me hold my face and be more loving! because that is the way I am! expressive and loving

 

and maybe have intimacy .. but its not the sex. is the actions! hes alcohol takes him over. plus his father was not affectionate.! I go crazy here!. I want him to be more loving.

Its the worst feeling to look at someone and you want them a certain way and they wont change is not in them. Is frustrating.!!!!!

then on top of that the porn! No sorry, I think even though he is 55 intimacy should be more often, specially again , I have to repeat this if hes into you and loves you then desire is there.

 

but hes a great man, hes a provider, caring verbally, cooks, worries.. but I want it all! all! if not I am leaving and he wont change. Wont try to quit smoking or drinking!

I am just drained. I don't think he know true love really, RUM IS HIS LOVE AND IS VERY VERY SAD!

You won't change him. If he's never been affectionate, he won't start in his 50's.

I think you are way over the top with the porn issue. You said he can't orgasm with you.

Why is that? That's the real issue here. He can orgasm with porn.

He can put all the work into having sex with you, but he doesn't get his release.

This is what needs to be addressed. Work on this together.

However, given that you say he is an alcoholic, could be why .

Is this what you want? Doesn't sound that great. Your intimacy needs are different.

But realize that nearly everyone is going to have issues and baggage because of the age group you're in.

Why not get a young guy, be a cougar! I feel your passion , it's your culture. You are highly sexual and affectionate.

Lose him and get a guy to fill those needs. Or stay and accept this man for who is. I'm the same way, I can't be with anyone who is not affectionate, and that includes in public. I'm very hands on. I hate cold , non affectionate personalities.

Sorry - if a guy was sitting out in the driveway jerking off to a magazine while i was readily available and FEET away on the other side of the door - i would not be thrilled either. BTW, what if someone walked up to the car, seeing him sitting there and wondering if he needed help? if you can't walk into the house after work happy to see your significant other and have to masturbate to a magazine before walking in the door - that is a big problem. Would you feel wanted?

Hi....

We were together that night he came.. it was the day after he went to the car with the magazine! I am so broken right now. I cant even focus on work it has effected me so much Im ok for a while then it hits me! I need to be away. I need to be away because is the same over and over again. here I am hungry for attention, and love and is not there. He does love me in HIS WAY. but I cant deal anymore. Yesterday he called 5 times I did not answer. I am drained.! there is nothing I can say for him to realize. Also he is giving. he buys everything etc. but not giving with intimacy. Also we have sex we don't make love, he has to learn, there is a big difference!!!!!!!!!! so putting all together is just hurtful and draining. I need to be away. Im renting a room , walking and reading book.s this weekend. alone! to think and I will disappear. Believe me I tried to talk he dosent get it. I don't think is the alcohol that he dosent release in intimacy I think is the porn and he masturbating to it. I cant deal with this. iis. Is not another woman, but it feels like it when he takes the magazine , if you are a woman you understand.

be a cougar!!!!! ha ha ha Sweet Girl 28 that is funny.. ! No I need older guy widowed , and not addictive.! Young guys are just hi and bye..

I will see I need to move and all is so expensive! I live in his house. huge house! I need to plan my going away. step by step. thank you for your reponse.

Also last week he was on the porch sober and I came up to him to seduce him and he said " you are starting this again!" and walked away.... He made it sound as if I do this every day every hour

I felt like a piece of you know what... I cant stand it..

Hi....

We were together that night he came.. it was the day after he went to the car with the magazine! I am so broken right now. I cant even focus on work it has effected me so much Im ok for a while then it hits me! I need to be away. I need to be away because is the same over and over again. here I am hungry for attention, and love and is not there. He does love me in HIS WAY. but I cant deal anymore. Yesterday he called 5 times I did not answer. I am drained.! there is nothing I can say for him to realize. Also he is giving. he buys everything etc. but not giving with intimacy. Also we have sex we don't make love, he has to learn, there is a big difference!!!!!!!!!! so putting all together is just hurtful and draining. I need to be away. Im renting a room , walking and reading book.s this weekend. alone! to think and I will disappear. Believe me I tried to talk he dosent get it. I don't think is the alcohol that he dosent release in intimacy I think is the porn and he masturbating to it. I cant deal with this. iis. Is not another woman, but it feels like it when he takes the magazine , if you are a woman you understand.

be a cougar!!!!! ha ha ha Sweet Girl 28 that is funny.. ! No I need older guy widowed , and not addictive.! Young guys are just hi and bye..

I will see I need to move and all is so expensive! I live in his house. huge house! I need to plan my going away. step by step. thank you for your reponse.

Also last week he was on the porch sober and I came up to him to seduce him and he said " you are starting this again!" and walked away.... He made it sound as if I do this every day every hour

I felt like a piece of you know what... I cant stand it..