Was I wrong to ask to be romanced a little?

My mom and a good friend of mine have told me I'm not demanding enough w/guys. I'm not materialistic and if I want something, I buy that for myself. When in a relationship, I love spoiling my man, small surprises, travelling to him etc. I did little sweet things for my ex, which he didn't appreciate, that hurt a lot. When he got sick, I brought him the proper OTC medication, but when I got sick, he didn't even feel sorry for me, much less buy me some cough drops. The other day I got very frustrated, although I enjoy doing things for my partner, I'm not gonna do them if the relationship feels like a one sided one. I flat out told him I wanted to be a little spoiled, maybe given a ride back home occasionally (I take the bus to and from his place, an hour each way). We both pay for activities and food, plus he drives me on our dates. He told me he used to do lot for his ex and she took advantage of him, which I understand, but I don't want that to be an excuse for him to not do little things for me. Was I wrong to ask? I kinda wish I was more demanding as I see men bending over backwards for girls that demand quite a bit, but I can never be that way.

I think that you need to dump the bf, and find someone who values you more. He does not respect you, but you are also not respecting yourself.

Stop doing so much. Relationships should be reciprocal. I think that it is awful that that he does not drive you home. I don't understand why you are traveling to see him if he has a car?

Expect more from your partners! Stop being a doormat!

I read some history. He is also not reciprocal to communication. I see that others have also recommended that you find someone else, but you seem to hoe he will change. He will not.

Op, you either accept that you will never get the same from him, or find someone who values you.

Your situation goes way beyond romance, you need to find someone who cares.

I read some history. He is also not reciprocal to communication. I see that others have also recommended that you find someone else, but you seem to hoe he will change. He will not.

 

Op, you either accept that you will never get the same from him, or find someone who values you.

 

Your situation goes way beyond romance, you need to find someone who cares.

Communication has gotten better, we talked through it. I started reciprocating the same amt of communication and he noticed. Thing is the reason why I'm wondering is I want to know he cares about me. He started giving me rides, I take the bus because parking is a challenge for him, so I don't expect him to do it all the time. He treats me very well, always worried about me paying too much on the bill (we go back and forth w/treating). I almost feel like he is holding back due to what happened in the past, I told him that's not an excuse though and I do expect to be respected and for him to go out his way like I will for him.

If things are so great, then why did you create this thread? You just excused away your question. You sound like you are talking about two different people. Which of your scenarios is accurate?

Are you saying that since you first created this thread, the ride situation has dramatically improved? All in a couple of hours of time! Wow!

If you can't be honest with yourself, then you will continue to have these sorts of issues.

No, I don't think it wrong to ask in this situation. He should be meeting you halfway and if you are going the extra mile and he is not, and after you have asked him he still does nothing, then find a bf who does reciprocate. If you don't push from it, then he will keep taking advantage of it.

And his lame excuse that he doesn't because he used to with hi ex and she didn't do anything is just bs. It's not your fault that she did that to him.

Stand up for yourself or walk away.

I never ask my girlfriend to spoil me...I just focus more on doing what I can to make her happy....You are in a relationship to give not get....As soon as you start expecting your partner to do this and that for ya, you will just not be happy....

Now people have different ways of expressing love....Some people give their time, some talk and communicate, some buy little gifts....Just because your partner does not buy gifts or do services etc...maybe doesn't mean he is such a bad guy...he perhaps expresses his feelings in other ways.... like being there for ya when you need him etc...

There is a book called the 5 love languages that is pretty interesting and shows how we all have our own ways of feelings loved etc...

Now that being said, it is suggested to go out on dates at least once a week...Most people don't do that though I have found, but it really helps...

Perhaps, you should go to your partner and say - "Hun, what can I do to make you happy?" Go and try and give since you are in a relationship without expecting anything in return...and then hopefully it will reciprocate...

Honestly, the same advice sticks. Take it or leave it.

Even if I wanted to sympathize a bit more with you, it's difficult with the examples you give. Particularly if you two are an hour a way, I see no reason for him to grab you some cough drops, just as it's a bit eyebrow raising you'd go through the trouble yourself. Is he demanding you do so for him? I've never been one for "taking care" of a dramatically infirmed partner with a cold. I'm all for temporary quarantines so both partners don't have to share a runny nose as I don't find illness particularly romantic.

Also, I'd never expect someone to make a two-hour round trip just to drop me off. What makes parking a "challenge" for him? In any case, either take the bus if it's worth it to you or don't. Him not meeting you half way as far as staying at each others' respective places go is its own argument to have (and even that's conditional on if you live with family or roommates and he doesn't). But expecting a ride home over that distance goes well beyond a reasonable remedy.

Really, and not to say whether he can or can't do better, it sounds like you've got it in your head that spoiling / romancing = sacrificing for your partner, and with the expectation of direct reciprocation. Just one of those on its own is enough for resentment to snowball, let alone both. It might be worth it to analyze your mindset of what it means to contribute to a relationship.

But, again, at the end of the day, if you're finding you aren't getting what you need and find yourself having conversation after conversation to get him to change for you, it's best for you both to move on.

You call him an ex so it's over?

I don't think you were wrong to ask, but I think you'd be wrong to be more demanding. He knows how you feel, and you know how he feels. Demanding more from him will only show that you don't respect his opinion, which you should even if you don't agree with it.

I used to have this issue with an ex of mine. I would do things for him and he would struggle to reciprocate. When I occasionally held it over his head and asked for favours "I did this for you, couldn't you do that for me?!" he would turn around and say "I didn't ask you to do that for me". I thought that was selfish and unfair (maybe it was) but I have to admit, he had a point. And that point was that he's not the kind of person to go out of his way to spoil someone because it simply wasn't something that he felt like doing. There were other issues with him so I was never able to accept him for that. But if your relationship is otherwise good, you have to ask yourself if it's really that important to you that he changes.

Also, it's a little unclear from your post whether you've actually spoiled your current partner, or you spoiled your ex and your ex didn't reciprocate. Have you done things like the medicine etc for your current partner and he wouldn't reciprocate?

I can't help but feel like you need/expect more from your relationship than these guys are willing/able to give you. Personally, I'm not the type to expect to be spoiled. I do bargain though. "If you give me a lift here, I'll buy this thing". Normally that works out fine for me (though not with that particular ex) - I believe relationships should be 50/50. Where that becomes a problem is where you give with the expectation of receiving in return. If you're not happy giving selflessly, then you're not giving for the right reasons, so you still can't justify asking for more in return

Ultimately, if unhappy, find a partner who's more of a giver

My mom and a good friend of mine have told me I'm not demanding enough w/guys. I'm not materialistic and if I want something, I buy that for myself. When in a relationship, I love spoiling my man, small surprises, travelling to him etc. I did little sweet things for my ex, which he didn't appreciate, that hurt a lot. When he got sick, I brought him the proper OTC medication, but when I got sick, he didn't even feel sorry for me, much less buy me some cough drops. The other day I got very frustrated, although I enjoy doing things for my partner, I'm not gonna do them if the relationship feels like a one sided one. I flat out told him I wanted to be a little spoiled, maybe given a ride back home occasionally (I take the bus to and from his place, an hour each way). We both pay for activities and food, plus he drives me on our dates. He told me he used to do lot for his ex and she took advantage of him, which I understand, but I don't want that to be an excuse for him to not do little things for me. Was I wrong to ask? I kinda wish I was more demanding as I see men bending over backwards for girls that demand quite a bit, but I can never be that way.

If you have to demand something, you're with the wrong person. Making demands is never a successful strategy. Find someone that is good to you. That will work better.

I don't think you were wrong to ask, but I think you'd be wrong to be more demanding. He knows how you feel, and you know how he feels. Demanding more from him will only show that you don't respect his opinion, which you should even if you don't agree with it.

 

I used to have this issue with an ex of mine. I would do things for him and he would struggle to reciprocate. When I occasionally held it over his head and asked for favours "I did this for you, couldn't you do that for me?!" he would turn around and say "I didn't ask you to do that for me". I thought that was selfish and unfair (maybe it was) but I have to admit, he had a point. And that point was that he's not the kind of person to go out of his way to spoil someone because it simply wasn't something that he felt like doing. There were other issues with him so I was never able to accept him for that. But if your relationship is otherwise good, you have to ask yourself if it's really that important to you that he changes.

 

Also, it's a little unclear from your post whether you've actually spoiled your current partner, or you spoiled your ex and your ex didn't reciprocate. Have you done things like the medicine etc for your current partner and he wouldn't reciprocate?

 

I can't help but feel like you need/expect more from your relationship than these guys are willing/able to give you. Personally, I'm not the type to expect to be spoiled. I do bargain though. "If you give me a lift here, I'll buy this thing". Normally that works out fine for me (though not with that particular ex) - I believe relationships should be 50/50. Where that becomes a problem is where you give with the expectation of receiving in return. If you're not happy giving selflessly, then you're not giving for the right reasons, so you still can't justify asking for more in return

 

Ultimately, if unhappy, find a partner who's more of a giver

I have never held what I have done for him over his head. He is actually the one who says he is lucky I stay when he had his 2 month crazy work schedule and that I'm willing to take the bus. This actually started coming up a little while ago, where he offered to drop me off at home (pretty early) and I told him that I felt like he was blowing me off. He told me he was worried w/me taking the bus home at night (btw driving takes less time then the bus, maybe 30min-hour round trip). I never brought up that the bus was an issue, just funny he showed concern w/out insisting driving me home. I have done little things here and there for him, bringing him candy and buying small things. I believe things should be 50/50, but they won't always be 100% of the time. I guess its also resentment of his past relationship, as he put up w/a lot from his ex and gave into pretty much all her wants.