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We're Back Together and Working Things Out


MyLifeMyChoice

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I just wanted to come back to this forum to update my story, since this community has helped me so much throughout my grieving process. As the title says - I'm back with my ex and we decided to work things out, albeit, slowly. We are exclusive with each other, but we are taking things slowly. I don't know where this will lead to, but I do know that we both are committed to have a 2.0 version of our relationship. Our old one didn't work out, so this is definitely going to have to be a different type of relationship.

 

Here's how it went down.

 

So, I sent my ex this long email letting him know exactly what I felt...everything that I felt. I told him that I did want to get back together and was willing to control my tendency to be confrontational because I truly loved him and couldn't stop until he told me to do so. I bared everything - no holds barred. I also told him though that if he was happy with the way things were (staying broken up), then I would respect his decision, but at least I knew that I tried and didn't hold anything back.

 

His response was that even though he missed certain parts of our relationship, that he enjoyed doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and that he wasn't in the mindset to be tied down to anything. He still wanted to be friends and keep the communication lines open because of our history together.

 

Disappointed, I accepted his decision, and took it as the final signal for me to move on. To me, although this hurt so badly, I saw it as a gift. Getting that answer from him was what I needed to move on, and I told him that. Since I'm in my mid-30s, and want to eventually get married and have children, I decided to get on the path of moving on to achieve my goal.

 

The next couple of weeks got hard. I would always miss the times when we lived together, and every weekend, I would just go on a depression spiral, to the point of being suicidal. I immediately sought out counseling so that I could talk about my grief with someone. It was really helpful, and the sessions gave me the tools I needed to ease the emotional pain.

 

I also started going on dates with other men. I wasn't ready, emotionally, and I was open about this to the guys I dated. I also slept with a few men. I know this might sound controversial, but I did that so that I could feel desirable and wanted again. I went on dating apps, received a lot of matches and messages...it helped boost my confidence and self-esteem. Helped take away that though of, "Who's going to want a mid-30s woman now?"

 

I also worked out a lot and started eating healthy again. The last thing I wanted was to be single and let myself go. Sure, I ate a pint of ice cream here and there, but for the most part, I tried to eat healthy. I also started dressing up nicely. I did all these things to make myself feel good about myself....doing things to be kind to myself. I figure, if I don't love myself, how do I expect anyone to love me.

 

All this time, my ex was texting me and keeping in contact with me. I NEVER initiated first. I NEVER begged him to get back together. Even though I was dying inside, I never gave him the opportunity to see my hurt. In fact, every time he contacted me, it would diminish my feelings for him because I kept thinking...breadcrumbs, breadcrumbs...I deserved more than breadcrumbs. He would send me videos of songs he was into lately, he would tell me about his co-workers, his friends whom I've met. It got to the point where I was close to telling him to cut off ties because he was just sharing too much of his life and I didn't care to know about them. We also met up for dinner one time, where he talked about his future plans, and I talked about mine, my job interviews and where I might possibly be after grad school.

 

Then one day, he asked if we could meet up again in person. He said that he had been thinking about our relationship lately and that he was confused as to why we broke up in the first place. We argued a lot, but all he could think of was our good times. He said he missed the affection we had, and I told him I could never be FWBs with him, and that I was not that type of person. Of course, I was thinking that maybe he hadn't been successful in the dating scene, so I was not going to fall right back into this situation unless he really showed it through his actions.

 

So we met in person 2 weeks ago, had dinner, had a great time. He told me he missed me so much, and that he wanted me back and wanted to work things out. I asked him why. He said that he secretly didn't want me to be happy with another guy, because he could make me happy, and we were happy for the most part of our relationship. I kept asking him what he wanted from me, and he said "You. I want you, and nobody else. I want you to be mine again. I want us to be happy together again, only better." I told him I wouldn't be a FWB, and he said, "This wouldn't be like that." I asked him what we would be then, and he said, "We would be in the working out phase. But we wouldn't be dating anyone else. I just want you."

 

So here we are. I'm not in a rush about this, but so far, he's talking the talk and walking the walk. He sends me text messages every day. He bought me some stuff for my new apartment. He told me call him or text him when I'm feeling nervous about the job interviews I had lined up. Or if I just want to talk.

 

Yesterday, we talked about the future. He asked me if I was happy that we were working things out, and I said yes. He said he was happy, too. We both agreed that the old relationship didn't work out, and therefore this new version should be better...it already is. I feel like things are different this time, and while I don't know where we are headed, I do know that we are at least on the same page this time.

 

Time will tell....

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*claps*

 

Awwww! This was a super sweet and realistic story. I really really hope that yours continues working out. You sound like you had a really healthy thought process! It was also really nice of you to come back and share your story. So many people don't.

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Good luck, I hope the two of you work hard on your communication and conflict resolution skills. It sounds like you can really make a long term, happy union out of this if you learn how to talk to one another before resentment festers.

 

I wish you many happy anniversaries together.

 

Thank you so much! Yes, communication is key!

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*claps*

 

Awwww! This was a super sweet and realistic story. I really really hope that yours continues working out. You sound like you had a really healthy thought process! It was also really nice of you to come back and share your story. So many people don't.

 

Thank you! I hope this is the last "phase" that I come here. It's been a long journey. I wish nothing but the best for everyone!

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Great story. Hope it becomes better than before. How long did it take him to come around by the way? And were u still social media friends?

 

Thank you!

 

We broke up mid May, NC for 1.5 months, talked for 1 month, got into an "argument" and NC for 1.5 weeks, then have been in communication for 1.5 months. I deleted him as a friend on FB and Snapchat in May. We're not social media friends because that causes a lot of drama. So far, so good!

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May I ask some of those annoying questions most people ask when someone posts a story like yours?

 

Not sure what those annoying questions are, but yes! I'm curious to hear. I'm still navigating things with this "getting back together" phase, so it's not like it's happily ever after...unless we actually get married.

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Not sure what those annoying questions are, but yes! I'm curious to hear. I'm still navigating things with this "getting back together" phase, so it's not like it's happily ever after...unless we actually get married.

 

Totally understand. It’s a process! I want to know a couple things, if that’s okay.

 

1. How you got through the bad days of missing him?

2. What do you think changed his mind?

3. What’s the hardest/scariest part about this process for you?

4. What would you say to someone hoping to be in your shoes?

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Totally understand. It’s a process! I want to know a couple things, if that’s okay.

 

1. How you got through the bad days of missing him?

2. What do you think changed his mind?

3. What’s the hardest/scariest part about this process for you?

4. What would you say to someone hoping to be in your shoes?

 

Of course, I'm happy to tell you my story. Here are the answers.

 

1. How you got through the bad days of missing him?

 

I did a lot of things that I knew made me feel better, even temporarily. I also did things that I had never done before. For example, I was never the type to text a bunch of people toward the end of the week to ask what they were doing. I reached out to a lot of people so I could fill the weekends surrounded by positive people I wanted to hang out with. Certain weekends, I couldn't find anyone, but then I made sure I was out of the house and out in public, surrounded by people, whether it was at the mall, or coffee shop. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck inside the house. Through this process, I actually grew friendships and new relationships, because these "former" acquaintances were so supportive and happy to help me recover and hang out. That was such a great outcome.

 

I honestly also had some suicidal thoughts...mostly because I couldn't bear the pain and heartache anymore. For this, I reached out to a therapist, who helped give me the tools to take it one day at a time. She gave me some tips for dealing with the pain...she talked about making myself feel good using the 5 senses - touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste. She told me to give myself permission to do "pleasurable" things with the 5 senses every time sadness overcame me. It may be temporary, but anything to help ease the pain would make a difference. And they did.

 

Lastly, I also made sure that I did not let myself go. I was thinking to myself that if I wanted to find the next love of my life, that I had to make sure I looked good, felt good, and I was doing all of that, not for my ex, but for myself. So I started dressing up nicely, bought makeup, worked out again, everything you can imagine. Secretly, though, I was thinking, I will look fabulous to make him regret not getting back together with me, hahaha.

 

2. What do you think changed his mind?

I honestly don't know, but I think my nonchalance and indifference probably made him think twice. I remember, one time, we were talking about how he thinks he would be single for the rest of his life because his first relationship lasted 4 years and then he was single for 6 years, then he had me, which fell apart after 1.5 years. I told him not to be silly, and that he would find the right woman for him someday, since he was still young. I meant what I said, and at that time, I was still missing him, of course, but he probably was expecting a reaction out of me, and I just was not having it, hahaha.

 

We also met in person twice before the "get back together" talk, and the second time, I made sure I looked effortlessly good and that I was positive and bubbly. I did not bring up the negatives of our past relationship, only the good ones, like "Do you remember that time when " and left it at that. I did not beg, I did not plea, I did not cry. I showed strength and independence.

 

3. What’s the hardest/scariest part about this process for you?

 

The uncertainty of it all. I'm treating this like a new relationship, to be honest, as if he were a different person. Clearly, the first relationship didn't work out, and so it would be a huge mistake to do a repeat of the old one. So, it's like I'm dating a new guy, testing the waters, taking it slow, seeing where this would go, letting him take the lead....so far, so good.

 

4. What would you say to someone hoping to be in your shoes?

Getting back together may not be possible for everyone. There are certain situations where getting back together is an absolute no-no - if there was cheating involved, abuse, or just overall unhealthy, and toxic relationship, then, clearly, moving on is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know it sounds cliche, but the most important thing is to love and be kind to yourself first. That means being honest with your feelings, and being vulnerable (which I wasn't). Allowing yourself to just feel the pain and go through with it. That also means, not begging, not pleading when your ex tells you no. Being strong, and not being afraid to reach out to people - your friends, or even the folks here at ENA. Most of all, acceptance that you can live without your ex. I think this is key. Because once you're in a position of strength and power, you will be attractive, not just to your ex, but also to the next love of your life.

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Of course, I'm happy to tell you my story. Here are the answers.

 

1. How you got through the bad days of missing him?

 

I did a lot of things that I knew made me feel better, even temporarily. I also did things that I had never done before. For example, I was never the type to text a bunch of people toward the end of the week to ask what they were doing. I reached out to a lot of people so I could fill the weekends surrounded by positive people I wanted to hang out with. Certain weekends, I couldn't find anyone, but then I made sure I was out of the house and out in public, surrounded by people, whether it was at the mall, or coffee shop. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck inside the house. Through this process, I actually grew friendships and new relationships, because these "former" acquaintances were so supportive and happy to help me recover and hang out. That was such a great outcome.

 

I honestly also had some suicidal thoughts...mostly because I couldn't bear the pain and heartache anymore. For this, I reached out to a therapist, who helped give me the tools to take it one day at a time. She gave me some tips for dealing with the pain...she talked about making myself feel good using the 5 senses - touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste. She told me to give myself permission to do "pleasurable" things with the 5 senses every time sadness overcame me. It may be temporary, but anything to help ease the pain would make a difference. And they did.

 

Lastly, I also made sure that I did not let myself go. I was thinking to myself that if I wanted to find the next love of my life, that I had to make sure I looked good, felt good, and I was doing all of that, not for my ex, but for myself. So I started dressing up nicely, bought makeup, worked out again, everything you can imagine. Secretly, though, I was thinking, I will look fabulous to make him regret not getting back together with me, hahaha.

 

2. What do you think changed his mind?

I honestly don't know, but I think my nonchalance and indifference probably made him think twice. I remember, one time, we were talking about how he thinks he would be single for the rest of his life because his first relationship lasted 4 years and then he was single for 6 years, then he had me, which fell apart after 1.5 years. I told him not to be silly, and that he would find the right woman for him someday, since he was still young. I meant what I said, and at that time, I was still missing him, of course, but he probably was expecting a reaction out of me, and I just was not having it, hahaha.

 

We also met in person twice before the "get back together" talk, and the second time, I made sure I looked effortlessly good and that I was positive and bubbly. I did not bring up the negatives of our past relationship, only the good ones, like "Do you remember that time when " and left it at that. I did not beg, I did not plea, I did not cry. I showed strength and independence.

 

3. What’s the hardest/scariest part about this process for you?

 

The uncertainty of it all. I'm treating this like a new relationship, to be honest, as if he were a different person. Clearly, the first relationship didn't work out, and so it would be a huge mistake to do a repeat of the old one. So, it's like I'm dating a new guy, testing the waters, taking it slow, seeing where this would go, letting him take the lead....so far, so good.

 

4. What would you say to someone hoping to be in your shoes?

Getting back together may not be possible for everyone. There are certain situations where getting back together is an absolute no-no - if there was cheating involved, abuse, or just overall unhealthy, and toxic relationship, then, clearly, moving on is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know it sounds cliche, but the most important thing is to love and be kind to yourself first. That means being honest with your feelings, and being vulnerable (which I wasn't). Allowing yourself to just feel the pain and go through with it. That also means, not begging, not pleading when your ex tells you no. Being strong, and not being afraid to reach out to people - your friends, or even the folks here at ENA. Most of all, acceptance that you can live without your ex. I think this is key. Because once you're in a position of strength and power, you will be attractive, not just to your ex, but also to the next love of your life.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me ;v;

 

Honestly one of my biggest difficulties is the idea that there would need to be a platonic meeting before that kind of 'talk'. I don't know if I could handle a slow burn rekindling. I'd rather just kinda get it all out on the table before wasting my time. That's mostly because the whole vulnerability thing you mentioned has me thinking that friendship is nooooot something I could handle with my own.

 

Again, thanks for being so kind in coming back and helping other people.

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  • 1 year later...

I just wanted to get back here again to give an update to this story. So, I graduated from my Master’s which led me to a new job out of state. We did long distance for 8 months. And 4 months ago, he closed the distance and moved to where I am. We live together (again), and it’s been really, really good. Just wanted to share something positive to those who may need it :)

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