Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 13 of 13

Thread: We're Back Together and Working Things Out

  1. #11
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    170
    Originally Posted by valavoo
    Totally understand. Itís a process! I want to know a couple things, if thatís okay.

    1. How you got through the bad days of missing him?
    2. What do you think changed his mind?
    3. Whatís the hardest/scariest part about this process for you?
    4. What would you say to someone hoping to be in your shoes?
    Of course, I'm happy to tell you my story. Here are the answers.

    1. How you got through the bad days of missing him?

    I did a lot of things that I knew made me feel better, even temporarily. I also did things that I had never done before. For example, I was never the type to text a bunch of people toward the end of the week to ask what they were doing. I reached out to a lot of people so I could fill the weekends surrounded by positive people I wanted to hang out with. Certain weekends, I couldn't find anyone, but then I made sure I was out of the house and out in public, surrounded by people, whether it was at the mall, or coffee shop. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck inside the house. Through this process, I actually grew friendships and new relationships, because these "former" acquaintances were so supportive and happy to help me recover and hang out. That was such a great outcome.

    I honestly also had some suicidal thoughts...mostly because I couldn't bear the pain and heartache anymore. For this, I reached out to a therapist, who helped give me the tools to take it one day at a time. She gave me some tips for dealing with the pain...she talked about making myself feel good using the 5 senses - touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste. She told me to give myself permission to do "pleasurable" things with the 5 senses every time sadness overcame me. It may be temporary, but anything to help ease the pain would make a difference. And they did.

    Lastly, I also made sure that I did not let myself go. I was thinking to myself that if I wanted to find the next love of my life, that I had to make sure I looked good, felt good, and I was doing all of that, not for my ex, but for myself. So I started dressing up nicely, bought makeup, worked out again, everything you can imagine. Secretly, though, I was thinking, I will look fabulous to make him regret not getting back together with me, hahaha.

    2. What do you think changed his mind?
    I honestly don't know, but I think my nonchalance and indifference probably made him think twice. I remember, one time, we were talking about how he thinks he would be single for the rest of his life because his first relationship lasted 4 years and then he was single for 6 years, then he had me, which fell apart after 1.5 years. I told him not to be silly, and that he would find the right woman for him someday, since he was still young. I meant what I said, and at that time, I was still missing him, of course, but he probably was expecting a reaction out of me, and I just was not having it, hahaha.

    We also met in person twice before the "get back together" talk, and the second time, I made sure I looked effortlessly good and that I was positive and bubbly. I did not bring up the negatives of our past relationship, only the good ones, like "Do you remember that time when <insert happy memory here>" and left it at that. I did not beg, I did not plea, I did not cry. I showed strength and independence.

    3. Whatís the hardest/scariest part about this process for you?

    The uncertainty of it all. I'm treating this like a new relationship, to be honest, as if he were a different person. Clearly, the first relationship didn't work out, and so it would be a huge mistake to do a repeat of the old one. So, it's like I'm dating a new guy, testing the waters, taking it slow, seeing where this would go, letting him take the lead....so far, so good.

    4. What would you say to someone hoping to be in your shoes?
    Getting back together may not be possible for everyone. There are certain situations where getting back together is an absolute no-no - if there was cheating involved, abuse, or just overall unhealthy, and toxic relationship, then, clearly, moving on is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know it sounds cliche, but the most important thing is to love and be kind to yourself first. That means being honest with your feelings, and being vulnerable (which I wasn't). Allowing yourself to just feel the pain and go through with it. That also means, not begging, not pleading when your ex tells you no. Being strong, and not being afraid to reach out to people - your friends, or even the folks here at ENA. Most of all, acceptance that you can live without your ex. I think this is key. Because once you're in a position of strength and power, you will be attractive, not just to your ex, but also to the next love of your life.

  2. #12
    Silver Member valavoo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Posts
    439
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by MyLifeMyChoice
    Of course, I'm happy to tell you my story. Here are the answers.

    1. How you got through the bad days of missing him?

    I did a lot of things that I knew made me feel better, even temporarily. I also did things that I had never done before. For example, I was never the type to text a bunch of people toward the end of the week to ask what they were doing. I reached out to a lot of people so I could fill the weekends surrounded by positive people I wanted to hang out with. Certain weekends, I couldn't find anyone, but then I made sure I was out of the house and out in public, surrounded by people, whether it was at the mall, or coffee shop. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck inside the house. Through this process, I actually grew friendships and new relationships, because these "former" acquaintances were so supportive and happy to help me recover and hang out. That was such a great outcome.

    I honestly also had some suicidal thoughts...mostly because I couldn't bear the pain and heartache anymore. For this, I reached out to a therapist, who helped give me the tools to take it one day at a time. She gave me some tips for dealing with the pain...she talked about making myself feel good using the 5 senses - touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste. She told me to give myself permission to do "pleasurable" things with the 5 senses every time sadness overcame me. It may be temporary, but anything to help ease the pain would make a difference. And they did.

    Lastly, I also made sure that I did not let myself go. I was thinking to myself that if I wanted to find the next love of my life, that I had to make sure I looked good, felt good, and I was doing all of that, not for my ex, but for myself. So I started dressing up nicely, bought makeup, worked out again, everything you can imagine. Secretly, though, I was thinking, I will look fabulous to make him regret not getting back together with me, hahaha.

    2. What do you think changed his mind?
    I honestly don't know, but I think my nonchalance and indifference probably made him think twice. I remember, one time, we were talking about how he thinks he would be single for the rest of his life because his first relationship lasted 4 years and then he was single for 6 years, then he had me, which fell apart after 1.5 years. I told him not to be silly, and that he would find the right woman for him someday, since he was still young. I meant what I said, and at that time, I was still missing him, of course, but he probably was expecting a reaction out of me, and I just was not having it, hahaha.

    We also met in person twice before the "get back together" talk, and the second time, I made sure I looked effortlessly good and that I was positive and bubbly. I did not bring up the negatives of our past relationship, only the good ones, like "Do you remember that time when <insert happy memory here>" and left it at that. I did not beg, I did not plea, I did not cry. I showed strength and independence.

    3. Whatís the hardest/scariest part about this process for you?

    The uncertainty of it all. I'm treating this like a new relationship, to be honest, as if he were a different person. Clearly, the first relationship didn't work out, and so it would be a huge mistake to do a repeat of the old one. So, it's like I'm dating a new guy, testing the waters, taking it slow, seeing where this would go, letting him take the lead....so far, so good.

    4. What would you say to someone hoping to be in your shoes?
    Getting back together may not be possible for everyone. There are certain situations where getting back together is an absolute no-no - if there was cheating involved, abuse, or just overall unhealthy, and toxic relationship, then, clearly, moving on is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know it sounds cliche, but the most important thing is to love and be kind to yourself first. That means being honest with your feelings, and being vulnerable (which I wasn't). Allowing yourself to just feel the pain and go through with it. That also means, not begging, not pleading when your ex tells you no. Being strong, and not being afraid to reach out to people - your friends, or even the folks here at ENA. Most of all, acceptance that you can live without your ex. I think this is key. Because once you're in a position of strength and power, you will be attractive, not just to your ex, but also to the next love of your life.
    Thank you for taking the time to respond to me ;v;

    Honestly one of my biggest difficulties is the idea that there would need to be a platonic meeting before that kind of 'talk'. I don't know if I could handle a slow burn rekindling. I'd rather just kinda get it all out on the table before wasting my time. That's mostly because the whole vulnerability thing you mentioned has me thinking that friendship is nooooot something I could handle with my own.

    Again, thanks for being so kind in coming back and helping other people.

  3. #13
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    170
    I just wanted to get back here again to give an update to this story. So, I graduated from my Masterís which led me to a new job out of state. We did long distance for 8 months. And 4 months ago, he closed the distance and moved to where I am. We live together (again), and itís been really, really good. Just wanted to share something positive to those who may need it :)

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •