Feel totally worthless

I have written on here before about me and my ex. We were together for 4 years and both 33 and 34. We broke up at Easter after a row. Months of towing and frowing and I found lies unrevalled in it. But I'm so hurt. I'm struggling everyday to eat, sleep have panic attacks and been sick. He's made me feel so worthless and useless that I've even left home and not told any family or friends where I am.

He's made accusations and assumptions at me the lot. None of which are true.

But I can't help it love him and I go to sleep crying and wake up crying. I've been to the doctor, nurse, counciling the lot.

I need to still give him his stuff back and sort our old house bills out. I've tried to be civil and amicable about it for both our sakes. But he just refuses to see me totally and won't give me the time of day at all 😢 After four years I have no closure no nothing.

I need to get this stuff to him and don't know where he now lives. I messaged his friend who I've been in contact whose said alsorts me.

When we first broke up they said he'd been so happy with me happiest they've ever seen him but the rift between his family and I got in the way. He's also started a new career.

Later down the line they'd told me he was moving on and that to give him some space but let it all out about his family and the issues. Which he denied. He just continued to pick holes out of me.

Today I said I needed to give him the stuff and sort the bills. And is there anyway I can get it to him.

They sent me quite a horrible message saying he's moved on, doesn't ever want to see me, I need to get help and so on.

I just don't don't it and I've cried all night 😢 Such a horrible message to me knowing I've lost so much my ex, my nana, my friend to suicide, house nearly my job.

I've been trying to get help to cope but I have no closure.

All night I've cried and just the thought that's he's moved on most likely with someone else after 4 years of being together and living together and I've only seen him briefly twice since the BC and not even talked about what's gone on. 6 months later he's already moved on properly with someone else when we planned our lives together 😢 I don't even know what I did wrong in the relationship bar the rift with his family 😢 No talking about it, lol closure no nothing no chances just nothing.

Then for his friend to say that to me 😢

I can't sleep yet I'm so tired, my health has plummeted. Nothing drastic ever happened like cheating etc.

I know I have to accept it's over and try move on but I can't even think of being with someone else. I feel so utterly lost and have thought of very dark things because i just don't want to be here anymore 😞

Get back to counselling. If your counsellor wasn't helping, find another one. Your complete inability to cope is going to bring you down and ruin your health. Pack his stuff up and send it to a family member of his and they can give it to him. Pay what bills are yours, put his in the box with his stuff to be shipped. You need to learn how to pull up your socks and get yourself together. No guy is worth the hell you are inflicting on yourself and the only one who can start the healing process is you with the assistance of a skilled therapist. Stop crying and get on with getting help.

It looks like you are going to have to get closure here yourself . He is too immature or incapable or decent enough to have given you that . If he is accusing you of stuff that isn’t true then this should not make you feel worthless as you yourself know he is wrong . You need to take your energy back to yourself . This was one chapter of your life but there will be many more chapters when you come out the other side of this . I suggest stop trying to talk to him or his friends or his family as they are not going to give you any closure and they may say nasty things as of course they are going to be on his side . Any contact with them is going to make things worse for you . I suggest focusing on your own friends and family as they can be of support to you . I suggest to forget about his stuff and throw it out even . If he wanted it he should have asked for it or told you what to do with it . He has accused you of things that areny true and Refused to give your closure . Focus on these negatives and any others you can think of as to why this man is not your ideal partner . Dr Lisa marie bobby podcasts are very good . I suggest to listen to them . I recently split with someone who didn’t give me any closure who just ran out of my life . I texted him on several occasions and asked to chat and told him I needed closure etc. I never got it . In one way it has shown me that this man isn’t emotionally mature or able to communicate and he was very selfish in how he broke up with me . I think of this every day when I start reminiscing about the great relationship that we had as it’s only when things aren’t going well that you see some ones true character

Sorry for the double reply but I just read through the rest of your posts or some of them . It is no wonder you feel so bad as this breakup has been dragged out over months and months and you until recently anyways have still bring in touch with him or his friends and still hoping for a reconciliation etc . Until you accept that you are over you will stay in this circle of torture . He seems to be very unkind and nasty in a lot of his recent mails to you and I think you drive 4 hours to meet him and he didn’t turn up etc he continues to blame you for stuff even though you no longer in a relationship. Of course you feel worthless as you continue to give him this power over you . You need to shut him out and his friends and family and all social media etc . Then you need to start grieving for what is gone and that will help move you forward . Based on how he has teased you over the last few months this person has issues and you need to focus on that . You are better than this and letting him have such an impact on you . Only you can make the decision that you want to feel happy again . I can feel your anguish and pain and my heart goes out to you but there are a few small things you can do to make your situation a bit better

I'm just so tired with it all I'm so exhausted. I've been so so ill.

I just don't know exactly what has gone on with him we were both so settled and wanted to get married and have kids and settle down. We were settled bar the fact he was starting a new career which would mean a move which I was going to go with him.

The way he's been since the split is so up and down and it's totally unlike him. He is usually very emotional and very sensitive.

I have no explainations bar from what his friend has told me.

He emailed me last night and said hes not moved on with anyone just moving on with like on his own.

I just feel like I've fully supported him in his career move and he's totally ditched me in the curb taken it as an opportunity to just move away and on and forget everything 😢

I've tried really hard to move on. Started salsa, football and so on. Tried to go see different friends from around the country. Had some grief counciling and so on. He said he wanted to see the happy me back and tried that so much but it seems he was just lying to me 😢