clearing the air when you have to go LC? yay or nay?

My boyfriend of a year ended our relationship this past weekend. For a bit of background, we were friends for a long time prior and then a spark set itself off one evening and things took off from there. We always agreed that this was the best relationship that either of had ever been in and everything felt so natural and not forced- almost as if there was no effort needed to make things works as they just came together on their own. We would disagree but never fight and always were able to come to an understanding and communicate our concerns, thoughts, feelings, and needs.

He mentioned early on in our relationship that he was treated for depression about 15 years ago. We were ok as a couple until about a month ago when I started feeling that something was off. We talked about my concern and he confirmed that he didn’t know what his problem was- he was lacking motivation, was tired most of the time, just felt like sitting alone and doing nothing. He assured me it wasn’t me and he just didn’t know what his deal was. That weekend he told me he felt a bit better and talking some things out had helped. I felt that things were at a plateau until last weekend when he came out and said he needed a break as he needs to get himself together- possibly go to the doctor and get blood work and also explore the possibility of depression. I told him I wanted him to do whatever he needed to get himself into a good place and thanked him for being honest about it. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with the word “break” as I felt it implied hope and he replied that he can’t make promises about the future. I offered to pack up the belongings that he had kept at my place and asked him if he would please do the same with mine at his home. He stated that he didn’t know if this was going in that direction yet. I told him again I just want him to get the help he needs. He went on to say that he’s been a crappy boyfriend and things used to be great with us and now it just feels so blah. He stated that he feels that he is abandoning me and I told him to not worry about me and just focus on getting himself together. He left it to me to decide what interaction I want to continue to have with and I advised him I would need time to process this change and I would not be able to give him an answer at this time. He accepted that and asked for a hug and left.

If we could be in the position to go NC I believe that it would be best to allow me to begin to heal. I can not hold onto hope that we will be able to reconcile and have the relationship we used to because I feel that I’m setting myself up for something that most likely will not happen. The catch is we have to work together- I'm not leaving my job and I wouldn't expect him to either. I can WFH three days a week as to limit contact but the other two days, I will have to see him in the office and have some interaction with each other. I’m not eating, not sleeping and I break down in hysterics with no warning. Seeing him in passing or reading his replies to work emails causes me to shake uncontrollably and become nauseous.

This is where I would like to ask all of you kind hearted, empathetic readers who have been through this trauma or whom can relate to my heartache.

1. Do I reach out after a month and advise what my comfort level is? If my therapist and I conclude that I can be social to some extent, do I offer that olive branch? Concern: We have to work together. I can't let all of this just sit out there when I have to interact with him on a continual basis. Right now I can not entertain even an unsolicited text message from him without crying my eyes out.

2. Do I not reach out after a month and advise what my comfort level is? Do I allow things to just die without the follow up I had promised? Do I compromise an awkward interaction in the office of "are you OK?"

3. Do I wait a month and then text him with a, "Hi, I hope you are doing better. I'd like to meet in a neutral place and exchange the remaining personal belongings we still hold. I believe that we need to close out as much of what remains as possible for us to both heal and be as composed in our professional careers as possible."

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I look forward to any advice you can provide.

Why have you chosen this "one month" deadline for each option?

Why have you chosen this "one month" deadline for each option?

One month would be the absolute minimum. Longer is preferential.

. I’m not eating, not sleeping and I break down in hysterics with no warning. Seeing him in passing or reading his replies to work emails causes me to shake uncontrollably and become nauseous.

You're definitely not at all ready to try any kind of contact with him right now, but I'm sure you know that.

I would run it by your therapist. I can tell you that one month isn't enough time for him to deal with his issues, which need to take priority for him.

Personally, I'd only contact him to let him know you'll leave him alone to deal with his issues. He obviously knows where to find you if/when he has taken care of his health.

I believe it's worthless to make a decision now about what to do in a month (or more). What you could do is wait a month and the re evaluate the situation with your therapist and go from there.

And I totally sympathise with the physical reactions coming from just seeing him or looking at emails. I had a similar break up (although I suspect my ex gf issues were not that serious, but she did flag them when breaking up), and it had a huge effect on me too. A couple of days ago I just saw her in her office through the window (we work together too a few days in the week) and it almost gave me a heart attack. Not easy. Anything that pops up related to her gives me shiverings. And it's been one month since NC already.

I hope this goes away for both of us. I think your situation was much better handled, so I think at this stage there's not much you could or should do. You both need seems to be time to go through this difficult time.

I believe it's worthless to make a decision now about what to do in a month (or more). What you could do is wait a month and the re evaluate the situation with your therapist and go from there.

 

And I totally sympathise with the physical reactions coming from just seeing him or looking at emails. I had a similar break up (although I suspect my ex gf issues were not that serious, but she did flag them when breaking up), and it had a huge effect on me too. A couple of days ago I just saw her in her office through the window (we work together too a few days in the week) and it almost gave me a heart attack. Not easy. Anything that pops up related to her gives me shiverings. And it's been one month since NC already.

 

I hope this goes away for both of us. I think your situation was much better handled, so I think at this stage there's not much you could or should do. You both need seems to be time to go through this difficult time.

I’m sorry you are handling the same right now. I also hope that this goes away for both of us- sooner than later.

I would just mail his belongings with a note requesting that he do the same and just be civil if our paths cross in public. Beyond that, I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this quickly. I'd trust that if we were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, he'll either have no trouble contacting me in the future to reconcile, or reconciliation would evolve naturally after our paths cross in the future when we're both on higher ground. Then I'd focus on myself and rebuilding a good life for myself including friends, family, interests, studies and career.

I'd hold off on making any decisions on a future course of action involving contact with this guy or dating anyone else. Higher ground from healing would give me a better perspective on all of that stuff. Heal first, then make choices later.

Head high.

I would just mail his belongings with a note requesting that he do the same and just be civil if our paths cross in public. Beyond that, I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this quickly. I'd trust that if we were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, he'll either have no trouble contacting me in the future to reconcile, or reconciliation would evolve naturally after our paths cross in the future when we're both on higher ground. Then I'd focus on myself and rebuilding a good life for myself including friends, family, interests, studies and career.

 

I'd hold off on making any decisions on a future course of action involving contact with this guy or dating anyone else. Higher ground from healing would give me a better perspective on all of that stuff. Heal first, then make choices later.

 

Head high.

Thank you. I have absolutely no desire to date anyone at this time, him included.

I’ve been successful with LC. I’m in the office today and throwing up in the bathroom after seeing him across the floor.