When should I tell him about my health issues?

I have been suffering with a chronic health issue for 11 years now. Although I am slowly making progress, I still struggle with pain and fatigue. I am on medication which makes me very sleepy and afternoons are sometimes the worst time for me.

Having said that, I still am looking for that special someone and have lost two boyfriends due to my illness. The last guy seemed very sympathetic and helped me so much by driving me to my appts that were 3 hours away and giving space when I needed it. Eventually, it became too much for him. I was very clear about my health issues upfront before we even met., so he knew what he was getting into.

Right now, I am focusing all my efforts and energy into improving my health, but would like to know what to say or how much to divulge about my health should I meet a real nice guy that I would like to date. Should I be totally and completely honest on the date or on the phone? Or let him in and not divulge too much info and see if he is up for such a challenge. I am so conflicted about this....I would welcome you thoughts and insights!

How old are you - or at least what age range are you in?

What kind of "space" do you need from someone when you have health flare ups. Do you insist on no contact for weeks? What exactly does that look like?

If you are 35 and under, does this health condition make it impossible or not advised to have children? Will this condition shorten your life? Is this condition something that you will eventually be cured from?

I think that you easily fell into the trap of making a boyfriend a caregiver. I would before dating get things in place where you don't have to rely on a boyfriend -- arrange to spend the night when you go to an appointment 3 hours away so you can drive yourself or have a relative agree to help you. If you are sleepy in the afternoons -- are you okay in the evening for dates? Or are you a mornings only person. THere are people who work afternoons - and go in at 2 or 3 or 4 and it wouldn't bother them that you aren't good in the afternoons.

I would tell the person ASAP if it will affect how often you can see the person and whether you need to frequently cancel/reschedule plans. Also if the person likes to be active/athletic he'd probably want to know if you can;t.

I cannot agree more with abitbroken- you need to have caregivers other than a boyfriend. That should be for a total life/death emergency only.

I am 61. I typically need afternoons for myself to nap, as the medication makes me sleepy and helps me cope with the pain. I am fine in the mornings and evenings. I have a very unusual illness and seeing a specialist for treatments. But some days are body slamming days and I never know when they will occur. I have difficulty driving myself because of the fatigue and if I am driving when I have to take my medication which causes sedation, I don't want to put anyone in danger including myself. I am also a full time caregiver which also puts me in a difficult situation because I am the only person who can care for my ailing 91 year old father. It makes dating very difficult, but sick people want to be loved too! I don't let this illness define me....I am still Sue, but with an illness. I can get around well, take my dad to his appts, clean house, prepare light meals, dispense medicine, laundry, grocery shop and more...I just find dating difficult when my guy would like to spend all day together and I need a nap. No, it is not that serious, my condition. I am making baby steps, it is very slow, but still baby steps.....

I was very clear about my health issues upfront before we even met., so he knew what he was getting into.

It also came to my mind that you are looking for someone to rescue you and be YOUR caretaker while you are your fathers caregiver. There is a subtle difference between the two terms.

I'd be upfront about your situation as you were with the gentleman that couldn't handle the reality and if he wants to go forth, don't get yourself too involved emotionally until it's clear that he is okay with your needs.

I do have other people in my life that can drive me to my appts. I would like to be married again someday, but not just anyone. I don't like the word rescued, because I don't see it that way. I can take care of my daily needs, and care for my dad, but my biggest issue is the driving as I never know how I am going to feel from way day to the next. Sick people want to be loved for who they are, just like healthy people. The only difference is, I am still Sue, but with an illness. I know it is a challenge for anyone to undertake, especially because I can't give them a time frame.

Tell him asap

I'd tell him because if you don't he will feel cheated like you were hiding something

I am chronically ill, which I developed in the last 10 years. I totally get you. It makes life hard.

I am also chronically ill. And my disorder makes things like going out to dinner difficult because I almost always have to run to the bathroom immediately or soon after eating to go #2. And not just a simple, normal #2 either, but a loud, huge #2. Not something you want to talk about on a first date.

My illness was just about the only thing my most recent ex was decent about. I ended up badly scarred after surgery and, although he was advised (right in front of me) by his best friend to dump me because he would never tolerate a "scarred" woman, he stayed with me and even cared for me when I wasn't feeling well. Well, until he dumped me for someone else, but I'm sure my illness wasn't a factor.

I haven't really dated since then. Haven't even tried to. I'd have to be very, very comfortable with someone to have them sit there while I spend 15 minutes in the bathroom being ill in a very noticeable way.

Sick people want to be loved for who they are, just like healthy people. The only difference is, I am still Sue, but with an illness.

I know it is a challenge for anyone to undertake, especially because I can't give them a time frame.

This might be an unpopular, cold, & logical approach:

Get them attracted to you enough first: then they'll be willing to overlook it. Should you have chemistry with someone, go through with that and then say "I really want to be honest with you. I have X and I am working on it, is that okay with you? I know we have a connection and so I wanted to be honest with you about everything." People are willing to overlook flaws if they are already interested.

Sue, in your previous thread, you mentioned that a large part of the reason your ex left you is due to finances. The fact that your treatments cost around $900 every 2-3 months, and that you haven't got the money to pay it all. So, in addition to dealing with your illness, he did not feel he could afford it.

This is quite different from just "I have an illness".

Several decades ago, I had a boyfriend who had Crohn's disease. I had never heard of it before. We dated for almost a year, and he ultimately had his intestines removed. We broke up for other reasons but on good terms, and he later met, and married, a beautiful woman and had a son. Here's the thing about him: His illness was secondary. It was just something that got casually mentioned, like, oh by the way, I happen to have this disease, and I will manage it. It was not central to our lives. Of course, it's a major illness, and he went through many surgeries, and there were many cancelled dates, but he chose to, as my dad always said about him, "make lemonade out of lemons".

I believe from your other posts, and forgive me, but it sounds like your illness becomes central to your life. I know that it's an unfortunate thing, and I am completely sympathetic, but it has to be just a part of who you are, not who you are.

Example: I had a first meet last week with a guy who, as it turns out, is a Type I diabetic and wears an insulin pump. It only came up because he mentioned a bike ride he's doing for diabetes awareness, which led to a whole discussion, as my sister's husband is also Type I. Here's the thing: this new guy was simply working it into conversation, not making it about his Type I. Like, I moved here from xyz city, I have xyz siblings, and I happen to be Type I. We went on to discuss many other things, and he never mentioned the Type I again.

So, I think it bears mentioning, but it's not the entire conversation. As in, meet a guy (from online, or wherever), see if you have some chemistry, and as you're getting to know each other, in the course of where you're from, etc., mention that Oh, by the way, I happen to have this illness. But, and here's the most important part: Make sure you don't "live" in it with the new guy. That your illness is yours, and that you've got your treatments under control, and that you are looking for someone to spend your time with. Don't mention the finances, because it's not some new date's business, nor his responsibility.

And I hate to be super blunt, but you will need to figure out a way to fund your treatments prior to trying to find a new guy, as a new guy will not want to hear about the cost of your treatments and have to wonder/worry if that will become his financial burden.

I do have other people in my life that can drive me to my appts. I would like to be married again someday, but not just anyone. I don't like the word rescued, because I don't see it that way. I can take care of my daily needs, and care for my dad, but my biggest issue is the driving as I never know how I am going to feel from way day to the next. Sick people want to be loved for who they are, just like healthy people. The only difference is, I am still Sue, but with an illness. I know it is a challenge for anyone to undertake, especially because I can't give them a time frame.

I think people hear you loud and clear when you say 'sick people want to be loved' of course everyone wants and deserves to be loved. I think you're hitting a snag when you start to treat your boyfriend like a caregiver. Like others have said, dating will be easier if you have all that squared away so a man doesn't fall into that trap. You want a partner not a chauffeur right? You know the reason your last relationship failed because he felt you put too much onto him so the best solution may be to not do that the next time. Good luck

That is precisely how I told him. So, he knew about it going in. I think he broke things off with me because I could not always be available to do the things he

wanted to do, especially during the day, and he worried about the financial cost.

What I mean LHGirl, is how to approach the next person that I am interested in about my health issues. I told him before we even met about my issues and hoped it would not be a deal breaker for him. In the beginning, he was extremely loving, nurturing, accepting and willing to help me in any way he could. Then after 4 months of dating, he said that he was planning our future and would like to know how much I pay my physician every visit. I told him, but I should have pointed out that it won't be forever. I have made alot of progress and getting better, but I didn't. He didn't run away immediately, so I thought things were good and that he could afford my healthcare needs. We talked about marriage in two years after his son graduates college and he is paying for his college out of pocket himself. By then, I expect to be totally well if not at least 80%. I didn't see it coming. He never said it was an issue or concern. So, I am baffled. I feel like our broke up was a combination of my health and the finances. I don't want to scare anyone away bringing it up on the first date, but maybe if there is an interest there, I feel they should be aware of my limitations. Having said that, for now, no dating and I am focusing on my health and getting my health in optimal condition.

so I thought things were good and that he could afford my healthcare needs.

How about this, whomever I "marry", I expect him to be a provider, my protector etc .......but not until then. I would expect anyone I marry to take care of me as I will take care of him. As long as I am single, I pay my own bills especially my healthcare bills.

As long as I am single, I pay my own bills especially my healthcare bills.

Why would that change if you married?

How about this, whomever I "marry", I expect him to be a provider, my protector etc .......but not until then. I would expect anyone I marry to take care of me as I will take care of him. As long as I am single, I pay my own bills especially my healthcare bills.

So- even though you will bring to a marriage far more hefty healthcare bills than typical you would expect him to pay for those if he can't get a job with the right insurance? Does "take care of" include that in your opinion? How are you going to take care of him financially as he is expected to take care of you financially? Would you then get a job too and have someone else care for your father, for example? In your situation I'd give thought to your definition of "take care of" since you have this preexisting condition. Life happens of course and spouses take care of each other when they're sick but this is a bit different since you have this health condition and you will also tell your future person that you can't work because you work at taking care of your father (if that is still the situation).

How about this, whomever I "marry", I expect him to be a provider, my protector etc .......but not until then. I would expect anyone I marry to take care of me as I will take care of him. As long as I am single, I pay my own bills especially my healthcare bills.

You have every right to hold those views and search for a man who matches those views but please recognize how hard it will be. I'll be brutally honest, I would not marry a man knowing I had to take on large financial obligations so I wouldn't blame a man for feeling the same. Again, I'm not saying your views are wrong, you're just asking a whole lot of a potential partner and not everyone is going to be willing to take you on. I'd be honest and upfront and be prepared for whatever outcomes the truth brings.

How about this, whomever I "marry", I expect him to be a provider, my protector etc .......but not until then. I would expect anyone I marry to take care of me as I will take care of him. As long as I am single, I pay my own bills especially my healthcare bills.

Warning: Brutally blunt, brutally honest post ahead:

Sue, I am in your age range. I'm a 55 year-old woman, dating men in your age range.

You know what men in our age range want? They want to have fun. They have spent a lifetime married to someone where the sex died a long time ago, the passion faded many moons ago, the responsibilities mounted, there might have been issues with the kids, their careers may not have taken off as they originally planned, and their finances might be stretched.

Add to this, they are looking at retirement. How are they going to afford it? How are they going to spend it? Taking on yet more responsibilities, yet having less fun? Nuh uh.

Here's what men in the 55-68 year range want:

First of all, they actually want a woman in their age range! I'm as shocked as anyone. But they really do like dating women who "get" their pop culture references, and have many of the same music memories as they do.

They want a woman who is done with her past, and has moved forward. She's done with her marriage, she's raised her kids, she's past whatever bitterness any of these issues caused.

They want a woman who is financially independent. There, I said it. It's true.

They want a woman who will go with the flow, doing all sorts of fun activities. I cannot tell you how many men are so jazzed that I actually enjoy sporting events.

They want a woman who is available to go whenever, wherever. I am still working full-time, and I cannot tell you how many men actually want a woman to be able to take off on a random weekday to do a fun activity. My friend is now in a dilemma with a guy who wants to take her to concerts, movies, etc., almost every weeknight, and she just can't because of work. He's 59, and he's still got so much energy.

They are tired of all the responsibilities, both mental and financial. They feel like.....hey, I've done it all already, I've raised my kids/paid for my house/done my job. Now it's time to do ME.

So, going in with the attitude that your future husband will not only help take care of you physically, but will foot the bill financially.....well Sue, that's a tall order.

My advice? Don't date now. Get your health in order, and your finances in order, and take care of your dad.

When you are ready to figure out what you can bring to a man, not just what a man can bring to you.....well then, you'll be ready to date.

LH Girl, thank you. You said it so well. I was especially going to add that while of course you like everyone is entitled to search for "love" - now is not the time to search for it in the form of a long term relationship leading to marriage. Date - sure - in a casual sense where you do fun activities together that work with both your schedules and are free to date others, have sex if you want to (or not).

I did have to laugh at a 59 year old "having so much energy" - of course they do!! My mother is 82 and power walks daily, goes to various activities with her friends, etc. She just visited friends and relatives in another state where women in their 90s were doing the same thing.

What is disturbing to me is you say "i am the only one who can take care of dad" and "i have an illness that's rare" to make it like you are uniquely suffering above and beyond anyone else.

I doubt if its true - you may be the only one in your family who has a situation where dad could live with you, but i doubt if you are the only one who can take care of him. His insurance may cover some type of respite care like a home health worker who could come in to give you a break periodically, or you could set up a schedule online and once a week have a different family member sign up to come sit with dad so you can go out or do a part time job - they wouldn't have to bathe him or do wound care - just visit and make sure he doesn't fall, doesn't try to turn on the stove and doesn't leave and take care of basic stuff for him. If he or you are a member of a church, sometimes people visit parishioners with baked goods or to drive them to do errands, etc.

I am sure there is a support group for your illness or other people out there you can connect with to see what worked for them to make things easier - eating differently, timing medications, etc.

You take care of dad AND have chronic illnesses (you say its so rare but i bet its not as rare as you think), so those are two things that would prevent you from being able to focus on someone else.

I think that you should try to find a way to increase your income so you can cover your medical bills instead of looking for a "provider". It could be that you check in on an elderly neighbor in the mornings, you pet sit, you come up with something you can do at home, etc., or you work somewhere part time where its only mornings - like a breakfast cafe, etc.

The only thing that might work for you without doing those things might be finding someone else who has a chronic illness....misery loves company and there are a lot of people who take pleasure in complaining to eachother all day about their medications and illnesses or find a guy with serious white knight syndrome who is wealthy.

I recommend meetup groups to perhaps make more friends with people in general so you have friendship love at this point until you meet someone special.

Mom used to say "every pot has a lid." You will find your lid when you come across someone that accepts your disability.

That brought a tear to my eye ...every pot has a lid ...aww

And the fact that it is a mumism