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Thread: I want to fix my relationship and understand her

  1. #1
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    I want to fix my relationship and understand her

    I am a young man, 26, and my fiancee is 24. She is from a foreign country and most of our friendship/relationship has been long distance, with numerous visits in between to each-others country. We have been friends for close to a decade, and dating for about 3 years. Engaged for 1. She has been in love with me for a long time, and attempted to win me over the course of 6 years, and when I realised her feelings, I gave her a chance. Initially our relationship was more brother/sister, but after her confession of love I grew to love her too.

    We have only had one major incident in our relationship up until now, which involved me being in a relationship with another girl, not realising (Or perhaps being young and stupid and selfish) that my fiancee (then friend) was in love with me. Truthfully this led to the breakup of me and my ex, but realising her real emotions, and after a period apart spent fixing things, we reconnected. She considered my relationship with the other girl "cheating", which I do not./ However I made a huge effort to heal the wounds I"d caused her over the course of the next year or so, and continuing on into our now relationship. This was my big mistake, and one I worked very hard to fix.

    Regardless, we ended up becoming very happy with our visits to each-other being amazing and close to perfect. We still had some troubles as individuals, but we worked hard to overcome any problems and communicated, usually successfully. We were happy. This information is relevant, because recently she came to my country for university, but primarily for me, and our relationship. The first few months were very happy, with only minimal friction (I am a self sufficient student and she is from a rich family, so it was stressful for me to provide for 2 people when her parents were supporting her - this isn't to say she took advantage, but just was not aware of the nature of working to provide for yourself, standard rich kid business)

    Besides standard relationship crap, we only had 1 real fight in the entire time and were mostly happy. And even after this fight, I stepped up my game even further and tried to be the best boyfriend I could, increasing my time spent with her and taking her on more adventures, still while maintaining my busy work/uni schedule, and helping her with her proofreading. That's not to say she didn't try hard too, I think she is a very good girlfriend and I love her very much. I mention this because this girl is very sweet, and special. We have a long history and have overcome many challenges, and I have a box of letters and dozens of videos and thousands of photos that show, clearly, the love we have for eachother.

    However, she started to struggle with her study due to the new challenges and coarseload, and bad influences from her peers (She lived with me on the weekends, but during the uni week she'd live in student accommodation due to it's proximity to the university. I have tried my best to make her happy and feel secure in her new home, teaching her to use the machines here and etiquette, etc. She was even making friends, something my shy girl has struggled to do, and I was/am still very proud of her.

    However, 21 days ago she confessed to me she cheated. She implied heavily it had happened the night before, and with a guy I had specifically asked her to avoid, something I had only done once in my life regarding a super creepy university staff member in her country, who proceeded to sexually assault her. Since she is from East Asia, and is very childlike in her mannerisms (But a brilliant student) I had previously explained to her the concept of infatuation, how it can strain otherwise happy relationships, avoiding people that can present problems or are trying to either take advantage or separate a person from family and friends, and bad influences in general. I know I am sounding a lot like "her dad" or something, but the pure fact is she didn't know these things due to her upbringing.

    Long story short, I love her. I understand people make mistakes, god knows I have in the past. But I want to save this relationship, and she has told me she does too. During the first few days, after she said she "needed space" I was a bit full on, trying to win her back, attempting to romance her, etc. I ended up giving her the space she wanted, only replying to messages instead of sending them, and she ended up messaging me telling me she still loved me, had always loved me, etc. But then still needed more time.

    TO further complicate matters, her mother has been diagnosed with cancer. I have lost my mother to cancer too, and I immediately tried to call her, to see her, to comfort her. Didn't even have ton talk about "us" I said, she could just be in my arms and cry. She didn't want to see me, said she couldn't face me yet. This was before the admission of love, admittedly, but it has also continued with middle of the night messages regarding her mother, straight back into silence. I have dropped off groceries twice to her apartment super just to make sure she's been eating (god knows I'm not) and just generally putting myself out there, but without imposing myself on her space excessively, but communication is infrequent and is making me very painful.

    I understand her feelings very well and also understand her as a person. I know she is struggling a lot right now, with worries of the future, guilt, shame, fear, fear of failing study, fear of losing her mother, guilt of what she's done and shame. I love her so much, and want to put her feelings first despite this. I have made it clear to her she doesn't "have to be with me" despite fighting for me for so long, but she has repeated she needs time and wants to focus on her uni and her mother, but I know (And she knows too) I can help her with it. I have been her rock for many years, and am extremely adept at predicting her moods and calming her down. She's a bit of a nightmare, but I also trust her completely (Even after this) She also mentioned to me alcohol was involved in the cheating, and as she doesn't drink, is tiny, and is of Chinese descent, that's a trifecta of bad news. That combined with stress and her naievety made it very easy for this guy to take advantage. She's not blameless, but right now that won't help.

    Point is, I still love her and want a future together and she has always loved me even more, despite current behaviour. I know we can fix what has happened, and even be stronger for it. I have booked psychologist appointments for myself and have encouraged her to accompany me, and have also booked a relationship counseling session, but have no idea if she'll come due to the patchy replies and communication on her part.

    Honestly I am going insane, and have tried everything I can to make her know she's loved, supported, that I can be strong for her, that I can be patient, that I can take care of her during this hard time, despite the fact she's done the wrong thing. I know time is the only solution to this now, but waiting is killing me and making it impossible for me to focus on my university studies.

    Please take my word for it that our relationship is happy. I know how much she is suffering right now, and I really want to take care of her. I am so worried. I left her some messages this morning, since I have not heard from her in 4 days explaining a lot of this. I chose my words very carefully, but was a lot firmer than my previous messages. I told her a little of how I feel, about the absurdity of the situation, about her commitments to me, mine to her, about how hard we've both worked and reminded her of our future plans and how happy we make each other, typically. And how we are a team, and work stronger together, which she knows is a fact. I am not trying to pressure her, just asking her to maintain minimal contact during the meantime so I know she's safe, and can start building bridges back together again. I know in my heart, from her own words that she wants to continue this relationship, but in the meantime I just am suffering so much, trying to struggle with my role as both her partner, protector and friend.

    I guess the reason I'm posting here is to insight. For reassurances I can trust her, that women aren't just game players and that my near-decade old view of this girl isn't completely wrong. I guess I'm looking for reassurances that everything will be okay.

    I could get a new GF relatively easily if I even wanted one, but I don't want another one, I want her. I have never given up on her, just like she never gave yup on me when my mother passed away. But this is the hardest thing I've done and I really need support, to help me understand in the meantime.

    Please help me guys. I really need it this time.

  2. #2
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    If anyone has any questions I'll do my best to answer them without compromising to much identifying information.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    My goodness...you sure are putting your full faith in this girl. I hope you're right.

    It seems very one sided to me if you want to know the truth. She cheats but you're the one who has to make it right? You're the one who has to keep chasing after her and even then she is still going quiet on you?

    I know you think you know why she is acting the way she is, or you know why she is doing this or that. But have you ever considered that you could be wrong?
    If she is capable of cheating, she could be capable of not telling you the truth either and she might be seeing another man, which is why the silence from her.

    I am not telling you this for any other reason other than you've got to see it from all sides.
    I don't want to be right about that. I hate being right about someone who is doing someone else wrong, but it truly is something you should consider.

    I think what is off for me from reading this, is how you're the one who is making all the efforts and she doesn't seem bothered.
    I would think that if you meant to her as much as she does to you, then she would be making all these grand romantic gestures to try to keep you after cheating on you.
    Or she would be at least staying in contact and not have you chasing her down all the time.

    It just doesn't sound right, and I am not getting a good vibe about it. I think there's more to the story on her end than she's letting on. And I mean with how she is distancing herself from you.

  4. #4
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    She asked for space only 3 weeks ago.
    And you have not respected her wishes.
    You dropped off food twice to her (she has roommates, sheís not going to starve) , you have booked psychologist appointment and relationship counselling.
    You are still messaging her.

    And yet you say you can be strong and patient? You have displayed much signs of doing that?

    She cheated on you before she knew of her motherís cancer diagnosis. She wanted space then , she still does now.

    Sorry to hear about your mother.
    Realise that people react differently to these things. Some want to talk about it non stop others want to not talk about it at all. Or not yet.

    You have only known each other superficially for the majority of the time.
    When each other is mostly on best behaviour (on holidays etc) without daily stressors.

    Long distance relationships rarely work out and when the distance is removed , thatís when you truly find out compatibility.

    She is young and likely moved from living with her parents to finding some freedom.
    And it sounds like she is exploring and enjoying that.
    Whereas not much has changed for you. Except that she is now local and ďrealĒ

    I think you need to take a giant step back, cancel the appointments YOU made without discussion with her and wait.
    Give it a couple of weeks before contacting her.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    She asked for space only 3 weeks ago.
    And you have not respected her wishes.
    You dropped off food twice to her (she has roommates, sheís not going to starve) , you have booked psychologist appointment and relationship counselling.
    You are still messaging her.

    And yet you say you can be strong and patient? You have displayed much signs of doing that?

    She cheated on you before she knew of her motherís cancer diagnosis. She wanted space then , she still does now.

    Sorry to hear about your mother.
    Realise that people react differently to these things. Some want to talk about it non stop others want to not talk about it at all. Or not yet.

    You have only known each other superficially for the majority of the time.
    When each other is mostly on best behaviour (on holidays etc) without daily stressors.

    Long distance relationships rarely work out and when the distance is removed , thatís when you truly find out compatibility.

    She is young and likely moved from living with her parents to finding some freedom.
    And it sounds like she is exploring and enjoying that.
    Whereas not much has changed for you. Except that she is now local and ďrealĒ

    I think you need to take a giant step back, cancel the appointments YOU made without discussion with her and wait.
    Give it a couple of weeks before contacting her.

    The psychologist and relationship counsellor is for me. I asked in advance if hypothetically they would see her, if she was willing. The relationship counsellor is so I can gain a better understanding on her mindset and maybe understand some of the trouble she is going through, but of course she is also invited if she is willing.

    The girl is struggling a lot right now, despite the fact she wronged me I want her to know she is not alone. I am giving her space, and have primarily only responded to her messages. I am doing my best in a bad situation, but you have to understand this is the kind of girl you marry. She has worked very hard over the years to win me, and she did not give up on me when my mother was sick.

    Alcohol was also involved in the cheating, and although it doesn't make it right, it does make it understandable especially given the extreme pressure she is under. I am trying to give her space, but I am not abandoning her completely, simply because I understand what it's like to do the wrong thing and hurt someone you love.

    I did it myself, unintentionally a long time ago - it wasn't cheating, but it did hurt someone.

    It's a bad place to be and you feel very alone and with no way out. I miss her very much though, and just want to take care of her. I am stuck in a difficult place of not knowing what to do, she'll say one thing about loving me and wanting to fix things and then go silent again. I am trying to be patient, and put her first despite her mistake regardless. But it is very hard. She agreed to marry me, and we have a big life plan together. I understand people make mistakes but it's how you deal with them that matters. I hope we can still recover what we were, and improve even more on what we are now.

    And regarding 3 weeks, after how long we've known eachother and the relationship we have, 3 weeks is a lifetime. And if she "needs space" she needs to stop waking me at 3am to talk about her mum, only to vanish the second I offer solutions or offer to come see her and hold her so she can cry, etc. We were a happy couple until this happened, and best friends. I am so hurt and confused, but also trying to understand

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    My goodness...you sure are putting your full faith in this girl. I hope you're right.

    It seems very one sided to me if you want to know the truth. She cheats but you're the one who has to make it right? You're the one who has to keep chasing after her and even then she is still going quiet on you?

    I know you think you know why she is acting the way she is, or you know why she is doing this or that. But have you ever considered that you could be wrong?
    If she is capable of cheating, she could be capable of not telling you the truth either and she might be seeing another man, which is why the silence from her.

    I am not telling you this for any other reason other than you've got to see it from all sides.
    I don't want to be right about that. I hate being right about someone who is doing someone else wrong, but it truly is something you should consider.

    I think what is off for me from reading this, is how you're the one who is making all the efforts and she doesn't seem bothered.
    I would think that if you meant to her as much as she does to you, then she would be making all these grand romantic gestures to try to keep you after cheating on you.
    Or she would be at least staying in contact and not have you chasing her down all the time.

    It just doesn't sound right, and I am not getting a good vibe about it. I think there's more to the story on her end than she's letting on. And I mean with how she is distancing herself from you.
    There might be, and that thought is heartbreaking. Please take my word for it, I am a good boyfriend and I have done my best to treat her good, over time and when we are together. I know she loves me too. The poster below might be right, and she might be exploring her new freedoms, but she lived alone on campus in her home country for a long time before we dated, and during, and never enjoyed the party lifestyle or alcohol, having tried it and not enjoyed it. She is a very sweet girl, and I think she has made a big mistake and doesn't know how to deal with it. She is also dealing with other stresses too, including her mother and uni.

    I told her if she wants to break up she has to be honest with me. After 8 years of friendship she owes me that much. I don't really know what is going on, and it's so far from her usual self it's a bit scary. It's half killed me honestly, and even now I'm typing on this forum instead of studying, but I am trying hard to build myself back up for when she's finally ready to communicate. I think love is worth fighting for, and to me, love is loving someone even when they don't love themselves.

    I'm not just a foolish boy, I have a lot of evidence of her feelings being real, and I don't think people can just change like flicking a switch. But of course, it's not what I think that matters here.

  8. #7
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    You canít actually include the stress re her mother because her cheating precluded that!

    Iím not suggesting you are a bad person or that she is.

    The relationship shifted from a long term fantasy to reality and the reality is that it didnít live up to the fantasy.
    And thatís what happens. Iím sorry you feel you invested so much time into it to not reap any reward, butís that the risk that comes with a gamble. Long distance is always a gamble and rarely pays out.

    Sorry!

  9. #8
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    I believe in her.

    And I'm worried about her. But I will give her space. Let her come to me. That way it's her choice.

    Although I really don't enjoy games inside relationships, I even made a promise when we started dating that I wouldn't play any. I know it's famous last words, but this girl is different. I could get a new girlfriend without too much trouble, I even have 2 female friends attempting to push in right now, but I don't want anyone else. She fought for me for a long time, and she's got me now - I'm hers.

    But you're right about long distance, although we were happy during the initial 3 months with minimal arguing etc, uni stress exacerbated everything. Plus I think we both fell into the trap of assuming once we were together, everything would be perfect - which of course just simply isn't reality. Truthfully the reason I initially fell in love with her, was her love and devotion for me was so strong I felt it deserved to be rewarded, and tried my best to love her too, which was obviously successful.

    In the meantime though, do you have any advice on how to take my mind off her? I have never struggled this much with willpower related problems before, and despite having had both breakups and been cheated on once before (And dealing with them okay) I am ashamed to say I am not really dealing with this well internally. Even now I have a large degree of pain inside my sternum. I thought I was stronger than this regarding emotional problems, but then again, it was never her before. I really want to save my uni and the appointments I have booked aren't coming soon enough

  10. #9
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    There is no real good advice on taking your mind off of her. Everything is basically time gated, meaning you do one thing for a few hours or not even a few hours and then when you are not doing anything, your mind will be on her. So you will have to continuously do something to get your mind off of her. Some activities while involving close friends and if you have a close family then doing those things will take care of your mind while doing them. Even just casual dating another woman would take your mind off of her, even if you have no intention of long term relationship, which we all know that is basically what a rebound is. However that dating act alone gives you hours out of a day not thinking about your current fiance. Also dating usually happens at night, it takes care of those nights when you feel lonely as well.

    As far your story, I hate to really say it and someone else already commented on it. You are doing all the work to get her to straighten up, she is not making any effort to make sure that you do not just leave. Seems wrong to me there. In reality you shouldn't have to work at all everything she is doing you should be doing while everything you are doing she should be doing.

    After she cheated on you and confessed to you, she asked for space...... Most of us know what it means when a girl asks for space. She needs time to think about what she did at the same time to figure out if her feelings for that guy was just a one time thing or something more. Sad to say, to figure that out she will need time with him. That is the reality and it's something no one wants to hear. Assume the worst and while she is taking time with him to figure things out, do not be the guy sitting around just moping and waiting for her. Do the same, go out on dates with the woman that wants to push for your attention, because I am sure 99% that she is doing the same with the guy she cheated on you with and it is not just the one time thing if she asked for space.

    Stop contacting her period. There is no need, she made it clear she doesn't want to communicate with you right now. So just communicate with other woman. While dating these other woman it is your time to figure out if you really want to be with your fiance. I don't think you even thought about that in depth yet. There are plenty of woman out there that could be a far better match and with better loyalty.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by 1tym
    There is no real good advice on taking your mind off of her. Everything is basically time gated, meaning you do one thing for a few hours or not even a few hours and then when you are not doing anything, your mind will be on her. So you will have to continuously do something to get your mind off of her. Some activities while involving close friends and if you have a close family then doing those things will take care of your mind while doing them. Even just casual dating another woman would take your mind off of her, even if you have no intention of long term relationship, which we all know that is basically what a rebound is. However that dating act alone gives you hours out of a day not thinking about your current fiance. Also dating usually happens at night, it takes care of those nights when you feel lonely as well.

    As far your story, I hate to really say it and someone else already commented on it. You are doing all the work to get her to straighten up, she is not making any effort to make sure that you do not just leave. Seems wrong to me there. In reality you shouldn't have to work at all everything she is doing you should be doing while everything you are doing she should be doing.

    After she cheated on you and confessed to you, she asked for space...... Most of us know what it means when a girl asks for space. She needs time to think about what she did at the same time to figure out if her feelings for that guy was just a one time thing or something more. Sad to say, to figure that out she will need time with him. That is the reality and it's something no one wants to hear. Assume the worst and while she is taking time with him to figure things out, do not be the guy sitting around just moping and waiting for her. Do the same, go out on dates with the woman that wants to push for your attention, because I am sure 99% that she is doing the same with the guy she cheated on you with and it is not just the one time thing if she asked for space.

    Stop contacting her period. There is no need, she made it clear she doesn't want to communicate with you right now. So just communicate with other woman. While dating these other woman it is your time to figure out if you really want to be with your fiance. I don't think you even thought about that in depth yet. There are plenty of woman out there that could be a far better match and with better loyalty.
    If she is dating this guy (Which I genuinely doubt, given her disgust at herself and the fact she was plied with alcohol - she even expressed anxiety in even hanging out with her friends at a karaoke place) he will use her and throw her away. I am not even entirely sure it was consensual, but... I don't know. Do I even want it to be? What a terrible thought, the alternative. I saw his Facebook, he is a complete party guy. No intention of commitment. I don't know how I'd react to that, her putting me on ice and trying to come back after "trying" someone new, if that does end up being the case. Especially since it took me many years to get her to the stage she was, where she was comfortable in social situations and not so shy. I don't know if I can, or want to "fix" her twice.

    I have hung out with a few female friends in the meantime, but I didn't want to take any home. I just don't... want them. I have done the whole casual sex thing. It's a destructive pattern of behaviour I exhibit between breakups. I need to take this time to work on myself. If she doesn't return it's her loss - I can promise she won't find another man offering what I offer who will also put up with her particular brand of bull, especially given she has no history with them. She is not always the easiest person to deal with, and very particular. I have grown to love that about her but it used to drive me insane, and it'll be worse on others.

    I really love her though. I know I keep saying that like a mantra, but it's true. She's really done a number on me hey.

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